by Erica Woods
“Ruarc, I . . .” She drew in a deep breath and met my gaze head on. “I’m so sorry.” The bright sheen in her eyes made me expel a harsh breath. Pain radiated off her, her pale face a mask of misery.
But she didn’t cry.
Almost worse.
Seeing the shine in those eyes and knowing she was doing her damned best not to let a single tear fall . . .
I swore under my breath, torn between the need to comfort my little human and the need to teach Jason a lesson.
She won’t feel better until she understands.
My instincts screamed at me to stay, to take care of my mate. But the logical part of me—the tiny spark that was shrinking in direct correlation to my growing need to kill—knew I had to deal with Jason first. Then we could both talk to Hope. It was the only way.
Still. Couldn’t leave her like this.
“It’s fine.” I tried to modulate my voice. Make it soothing. But the gravelly sound that came out was hoarse and raspy. Ugly. Like I was. “I’ll fix it.”
Her eyes widened, then they filled with tears, causing her to look away. Misery was etched across her beautiful face, giving her a haunted look.
When she didn’t reply—her convulsive swallowing made me think she couldn’t—I could no longer hold myself back. With two long strides she was in grabbing distance. My arm shot out, pulling her tight against me.
Small. She was so small. Her head only reached my chest.
Gotta be careful.
Her body was too frail. One wrong move and I could seriously harm her.
The feeling of responsibility, of pride that she trusted me enough for this, and that she was mine—mine to cherish, mine to protect—was overwhelming.
Hugging her with one arm, I used the other to palm the back of her head and tilt her face. “Don’t worry,” I growled. With my throat as dry as bones, no other type of sound was possible. “It’ll be okay.”
Not knowing what else to say, I brushed a quick kiss over her forehead. Jason’s lingering scent brought forth a surge of jealous rage, but I smothered it before it could tear another snarl out of me.
Doesn’t matter. Jason is pack.
If I kept telling myself that, eventually the rage had to fade. Or at least soften around the edges.
In danger of being swept away by Hope—her scent, her vulnerability, her battered heart—I released her so I could find Jason.
Her choked cry ripped me apart.
Fuck!
That sound . . . Like a burning silver knife to the gut. Like acid raining on my insides. Like every bone in my body being pulled out and put back together—a little more crooked, a little more damaged than before.
Without looking back I rushed from the room, certain one more sound of pain, one request from her would make me stay. Even though I knew I shouldn’t.
Had to find Jason. Needed him to help explain to Hope.
After I beat the shit out of him.
Baring my teeth in a grim smile, I headed to the kitchen.
46
HOPE
It took me several miserable minutes to stop staring at the empty space where Ruarc had been. The look in his eyes when I’d told him . . .
My stomach cramped with an empty, gut-wrenching feeling that made me want to vomit.
The surge of fury that had morphed his face into a savage grimace had been bad enough, but before that, right before the rage flooded in, I’d seen something worse. Something much worse.
A flash of pain.
I closed my eyes and dropped my head into my hands.
I’d hurt him. My beautiful, amazing, proud warrior. I’d hurt him. And hurting him made me feel like the lowest of the low. Like scum.
Hunter scum.
I brushed damp hair away from my face. My hands shook.
Knowing he’d never look at me the same way again, that the tender, protective look that was somehow both soft and savage with possessive fury all at the same time was lost forever . . .
Hollow. That was how I felt. Hollow and lost and so empty I feared a strong wind could carry me away.
He’d said he’d be right back . . .
I glanced at the closed door. Why would he bother? I wouldn’t have come back for me. I’d betrayed him, I’d kissed another man. I’d—
The door flew open and banged against the wall. A dark shape sailed through the air, landing in a crumpled heap against the wall on the opposite side.
“J-Jason?”
The shape on the floor unfolded. A battered face turned to me, flashing a lopsided smile that showed teeth coated with red smudges. “Fancy seeing you here, love.”
Oh my god! It took me several tries to blink back my tears. This is all my fault.
I shuffled forward, wanting nothing more than to run to Jason and make sure he was all right, but a peek over my shoulder stopped me in my tracks.
Ruarc closed the door behind him with a thunderous scowl. Bulging muscles played under the skin of his strong arms where they lay crossed over his chest. “Owes you an explanation,” he growled, jerking his chin at Jason.
I turned back to Jason, feeling my stomach roll uneasily. If I went to him, would Ruarc see it as another betrayal? Would he hurt?
My gaze roamed over Jason’s form. One eye swollen shut. A split lip. A bruised cheek. Dark marks covering his throat.
Had Ruarc strangled him?
I took a hesitant step toward the battered man on the floor and glanced at Ruarc. His forbidding, silver eyes tracked my every move like a true predator, but other than that, he gave no indication of his feelings.
I finally got close enough to kneel in front of Jason, my hands hovering above him, afraid to touch, to hurt. “Are you . . . are you okay?”
“Peachy keen,” he said with a grin. His gaze moved over my shoulder to Ruarc, and when he looked back at me, his grin had disappeared. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I should have made more of an effort to explain, and I shouldn’t have kissed you.” My heart sank. “I should have waited for Ruarc before taking that step.”
“W-waited for Ruarc?”
Behind me, Ruarc huffed and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, “Dumb pup.”
“Waited for Ruarc,” Jason confirmed. A hissing breath passed over his split bottom lip when he pushed himself into a sitting position. He got settled with his back against the wall, one leg raised and bent at the knee. “Lycan relationships aren’t like human ones, love. They’re a bit more complicated.” He touched his lips. Frowned. “Multiple mates, remember?”
The breath I’d been about to exhale got stuck in my throat.
Multiple mates.
But . . . “I’m not lycan,” I reminded them—as if they could forget. “Lucien said your males share because there aren’t enough females. Lycan females. I’m . . . human.”
Ruarc grumbled a curse under his breath. “Doesn’t matter.”
“But—”
“Perfect as you are,” he said gruffly.
Tears pricked at my eyes where normally I would have smiled.
You betrayed him.
I could barely stand to lift my eyes and meet his gaze, but when I did, I saw no recrimination. No disgust and no hatred. Only something tender.
Then he turned to Jason and bared his teeth. “Continue.”
Jason spread his hands in a ‘what can you do’ gesture. “We both like you, love. Obviously.”
A strange numbness tingled in the tips of my fingers. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Couldn’t bring myself to believe it was true. First Ruarc and now Jason?
What is so special about me?
Nothing. At least nothing good.
Unaware of the dark place my thoughts had gone, Jason continued, “And we want to be with you. Both of us.”
“Why?”
Jason’s expression darkened at the disgust he no doubt heard in my voice. “For so many reasons, but before we get into that, let me explain why what I did was wrong.”
“It wa
sn’t . . .” I bit my lip. “It wasn’t just your fault.”
Ruarc scoffed. “Was his fault.” A dark glare in Jason’s direction, one that seemed to say, ‘are you gonna get to it or do I have to beat it out of you?’
“We’ve always known we might share a female,” Jason said. “Not only because there’s so few lycan females, but because if there’s ever any trouble, we’d know the other members of our pack would die to protect our mate. A very important consideration when you live in a world as fraught with violence as we do.”
Jason tilted his head and studied me. A slow smile tugged on his split lip, causing a droplet of blood to spill down his chin. Before I could think, I reached out and caught the glistening moisture on the pad of my index finger.
“I’m sorry you got hurt because of me,” I whispered.
Since I’d arrived here, I’d caused so much friction.
“Not your fault,” Ruarc growled. “Pup’s an idiot.”
The ‘pup’ flashed me a rueful smile. “He’s right, love. Ruarc had sort of claimed you—”
With a savage snarl, Ruarc moved from his position by the door and crouched in front of Jason. The look on his face . . .
Primal fear kicked me in the chest, and for a moment, I forgot that the male in front of us was one who’d never hurt me.
Ruarc’s lips peeled away to show two rows of sharp, glistening teeth. “Sort of?” he hissed.
Jason met Ruarc’s furious glare with a small grin. Either he was oblivious to the danger he was in, or he didn’t care. “Well . . . maybe more than sort of,” he admitted with a shrug and a wink my way. But then his expression sobered. “I should have talked to you first, mate.”
Ruarc grunted in agreement and moved behind me. Strong arms came around my waist and—
I flew through the air and landed safely in his lap. Burying his nose in my neck, he inhaled. “Smell good.”
“Ruarc, I’m . . . I’m so sorry.”
He hugged me closer. “Nothing to be sorry about, a chuisle.”
“But—”
“Nothing.”
Engulfed by his warmth, I relaxed for the first time since kissing Jason. I felt safe. Protected. Cared for.
Ruarc nuzzled at my jawline, and I tilted my head back to stare up at the man I’d done nothing to deserve. “Thank you.”
The way his eyes softened, it was possible he knew I wasn’t really thanking him for accepting my apology, but for being him. For taking the time to understand, and for not leaving me when he’d had a good reason to.
The sound of Jason clearing his throat was followed by a hoarse chuckle when Ruarc’s head whipped up and skewered Jason with a glare.
“Relax, old man,” Jason joked. His fingers felt around the bruises on his neck, brows lowering in a wince when he touched a tender spot.
“Hurting, pup?”
“I’ve had worse.”
Even though Jason was still smiling, I felt a twinge of discomfort. “Will you be okay, Jason?”
Ruarc snorted.
“No, love. I am doomed to carry Ruarc’s necklace of bruises for the rest of my life.”
My wide eyes bounced between them until I noticed the twitch at the end of Ruarc’s lip.
“Very funny,” I muttered.
“I thought so too.” Jason turned his head, eyes landing on the bed. “Should we get more comfortable? The floor is not helping my bruises.”
Ruarc stiffened. “No.”
With a roll of his eyes and a slight wince, Jason relented. “Fine. You hog the bed and leave me to contend with the hard floor..”
A satisfied grunt from the man exploring my neck with distracting lips.
Jason rolled his eyes again before settling back against the wall and spearing me with a too-serious look. “We didn’t have a set agreement to share or anything—god only knows wolves are too mercurial to decide something like that before they find their mate.” He shot Ruarc a meaningful look and got a teeth-baring, scary smile in return. “But maybe . . . maybe sometime in the future? Yeah. The thought had occurred.”
It had?
“Problem is, sometimes a member of a pack will meet someone on his own. Now, normally, males will court whoever they please as long as the female isn’t officially mated, but it can cause a lot of friction within a pack—us being territorial assholes, and all that.” He flashed a grin that was both charming and self-deprecating. “And this is when dealing with lycan, females, mind you.”
Ruarc grumbled, but I barely heard it. My mind was busy digesting.
“Point is, you’re human. I should’ve gotten Ruarc’s permission first, and then I should’ve waited for him to explain everything to you before I made a move.” His voice lowered. “I fucked up.”
My heart clenched. “Jason . . . It wasn’t your—”
“It was,” he said harshly. “It was my fault. Not only did I fail to do what was right, I left you thinking you’d betrayed Ruarc.” His expression darkened, leaving very little of the Jason I knew behind. “I left while you cried.”
Ruarc stiffened. A slight tremor worked its way through his body, but he didn’t make a sound. His head remained bent over my neck, but his mouth was still. No longer exploring.
Although I felt the seething anger rolling off him, the alarm I’d normally feel was missing. Not because his anger wasn’t scary—it was—but because my brain had chosen that moment to unravel the threads Jason had dangled in front of me.
Share. Multiple mates. Pack.
They hadn’t had a set agreement yet, but . . .
“You mean . . .” The rest got stuck in my throat. I swallowed and tried again. “You mean I should mate with everyone in your pack?”
Was mating . . . sex?
The shudder that went through me made Ruarc stiffen. “No,” he growled at the same time Jason said, “Not exactly.”
The male at my back was all hard muscles, tension making him rigid. With a deadly low tone, he repeated, “No.”
Jason waved away Ruarc’s objection. “It means that everything is up to you, love. If they are interested in you, they may court you. But you are not obligated to be with them. You can say no,” he added in a gentle voice.
I took a deep breath to shore up my courage. “Is mating . . . does it mean . . . sex?” I whispered, and immediately felt my face go flaming hot.
You can’t even say it without blushing.
I looked down.
“Of course not.” Jason reached out to pat my hand. Before he could make contact, Ruarc jerked me back with a ripping snarl.
“Ignore him,” Jason said, grinning. “Us males can be a bit . . . possessive. And no, mating does not mean sex. Although,” he added with a wiggle of his brows, “sex is a fun part of it.”
Heat flooded my belly while dread spiraled down my spine.
The two opposing sensations clashed, became entangled, warred while lightning struck and thunder boomed. Until finally they settled side by side in an uncomfortable stalemate. Waiting for the other to retreat.
And one did.
The head shrank, burned out when no new fuel urged it to burn hotter, and all that was left was the dread.
The idea of sex was . . . terrifying.
Images of the Hunters and their evil taunts swam up from a sea of ugly memories. Their cruel mocking. The horrifying threats. The painful grip on my inner thighs as they spread me open to ‘look’ as they called it.
They’d never actually penetrated me, but they’d left a mark on my soul nonetheless.
“Jason!” Ruarc snapped.
Blinking, I glanced over at Jason, took in his ashen face and wide eyes, and wondered what the hell kind of scary glare Ruarc was aiming his way.
But Jason wasn’t looking at Ruarc. He was staring at me.
“Sorry, love,” he said, and his voice held a note I didn’t recognize. A dangerous undertone broken by a scraping, hoarse edge. “A mate is kind of like a wife. Or husband. Only there is no such thing as divorce. Onc
e you have chosen your mate—or mates—that’s it.”
Longing pierced my heart; left me torn open and bleeding.
If it wasn’t for the fact that death stalked me and that the guys would hate me if they knew what I’d done, I might have gotten some silly fantasy in my head about Ruarc and me riding off into the sunset together.
Maybe even with Jason by our side.
“So there’s some kind of ceremony?”
Ruarc grunted in the affirmative, earning a sharp look from Jason.
Did Ruarc . . . did he want that with me? Some of the things he’d said, the way acted around me . . . it almost sounded as if he looked at me as a potential mate.
But that’s ridiculous, right?
“What . . . what does all this mean?” I asked, wringing my hands in my lap.
This time when Jason grinned at me, his injured eye opened.
He was already healing.
“It means, love, that both Ruarc and I want a relationship with you. It means that if we are as suited together as we believe, we could eventually become mated.” His eyes glinted dangerously. “If you would have us, that is.”
The sound of my heart beating was too loud. Could they hear it? “B-both of you?”
Jason gave me a slow nod, eyes glued to my face as he waited for my reaction.
I gave none.
I was completely frozen.
A burst of pure happiness shot through my soul and I felt light. So very light. But then apprehension set in, and with it, the world came crashing back down.
The Hunters.
Always the Hunters.
I would never be safe as long as they were alive, and neither would anyone associated with me.
And if not the Hunters, then me. The monster who’d destroyed my life so thoroughly that I still hadn’t found all the pieces. And even if I did, I was too warped now, too broken and misshapen to ever fit them back together.
I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t stay.
But can you give them up?
Everything inside me locked up tight.
The thought of never seeing them again, of letting them move on and find a proper mate—a lycan mate—sent daggers slicing at my heart until only ribbons of torn muscle remained.