Bittersweet: Can she rebuild her life?

by Lyz Kelley

  He blew out his concern. “You coming to the hospital?”

  She shook her head. “Don't think so. But I’ll check on Ellie and make sure she’s taken care of.”

  A numbing sensation crossed his chest. “Leza? What are you not saying?”

  Movement drew her attention down the alley. That, or she looked away to avoid his scrutiny. He reached for her hand. “Hey. Talk to me.”

  “I thought I could do this,” she shook her head. “After Sam was killed, I swore I would never date anyone in the line of fire. Then you came along.” She shook her head. “I tried convincing myself dating a uniform would be okay.” Her sadness met his. “Everyone I've ever loved has died.” She swallowed hard. “Tonight reminded me why I can’t date you. Being friends is going to be hard enough.”

  “Hey. I’m not gone. I’ll heal.”

  “What about next time?” She lasered in on his face. “What happens the next time a guy pulls a gun on you?”

  “I can’t worry about the next time.”

  “I know you can’t, and shouldn’t. But I don’t want to watch you put on your vest, strap on your gun and walk out the door. I can be your friend, but don’t ask me to be more.”

  He reached for her hand, but she pulled away. “I don’t understand. You, more than anyone, understand what it's like to be in the field.”

  “That’s why I can’t. The feelings I have for you now will grow over time, and I can't let them.”

  She backed away when the paramedics wheeled a cart to his side.

  “I’ll let Chase and Ashley know you're at Rocky Mountain Urgent Care as soon as I’ve given my statement and been released.”

  El. His heart jerked.

  What if something worse had happened tonight and he couldn’t take care of her?

  She’d have lost everyone she’d ever known. Who would take care of her?

  Thank God he didn't have to answer that question today.

  In six weeks, he’d be good as new.

  He leaned forward to see past the paramedics, but Leza had faded into the background.

  The searing pain in his foot was overwhelmed by the ache in his heart. The odd swirling in his chest he recognized as love.

  Love. Yes, I love her, damnit. Doesn’t she realize helping people is my calling? My duty? It’s who I am.

  She had to understand, at least a little. Like him, she had served her country. Then protected this town, like he was doing.

  He would work something out with Leza, because he needed her in his life.

  She could walk away now, but he wouldn't let her walk away forever.

  Once Heath was lifted to the stretcher, Baker showed up again. The big man placed a hand on his shoulder. “We got you covered. Relax. You concentrate on you and getting fixed up, and we’ll take care of the rest.”

  Heath nodded and allowed the EMTs to roll him into the ambulance.

  His foot would heal, but dammit she just might shred his heart.

  Chapter 19

  “Owww,” Heath yelled and launched forward in the leather recliner and reached for his leg. Pain blasted from his toes straight to his head. He tried to breathe through it, closing his eyes against the agony.

  El’s eyes widened, and her cheeks splotched red. “Sorry.”

  Her voice broke, and Gunther trotted across the room to give her some puppy love.

  Since Heath had gotten home from the hospital, El barely left his side. Her teacher had reported that she'd stopped answering questions in class, and sat alone at recess. Both Ashley and Chase had told him she asked every day for reassurances that he'd be okay.

  “It’s okay, El, and I'm okay.” She looked at him like she didn't believe him. “Why don’t you grab a book and I'll read you a story?”

  “You don’t have to.” The sad little face crushed his heart.

  If only he could read her mind.

  He took a long, patient breath. “I’d like to. So how about it?”

  She retrieved the book she’d been reading off the coffee table, and handed him the eight by ten hardcover.

  “Come around on this side,” He motioned to the side away from his foot, and opened an arm, guiding her in. “Go slowly.”

  He circled her waist and scooted her closer to him. El curled against his side, then touched his whiskers. “Are you sure you're not going to die?”

  He took a long, lingering breath. “I'm very sure. The doctor says I'll be good to go in six weeks. Would you like us to buy a calendar so we can check off the days together?”

  The slight nod of her head helped. A little.

  He clenched his fist against the waves of agony, which were thankfully diminishing.

  He refused to take the meds for fear of getting addicted, so he was struggling with the pain and lack of sleep, but he didn’t want El to bear the brunt of his short fuse.

  He tightened his arm around her shoulder. “The doc says I can start my physical therapy in another week.”

  She didn't respond, only picked at a spot on his sweatpants.

  She nuzzled in under his arm. “Were you bad?”

  Bad? Where did that come from? “Why do you think I was bad?”

  “When I walked Gunther yesterday, I asked Leza to come over. She said she didn’t think visiting was a good idea.” From his shirt, El picked up a breadcrumb left over from lunch and fed the nugget to Gunther. “Did you send her away?”

  Nope. I got shot and she freaked.

  “I didn’t send her away. Leza has a lot going on, that’s all. Neither of us did anything wrong.” He pumped up the conviction in his statement to help her believe, even if he didn’t.

  Her rejection still stung.

  Leza had refused him again, without giving their relationship a chance. He took the rejection personally. Way too personally.

  El wrinkled her nose. “I think you should kiss her.”

  He coughed and pounded on his chest. “Kiss her?”

  “Yes. Jonny, one of the smart boys at school, said when his dad kisses his mom, she giggles. He’s always getting the questions the teacher asks right, so he must know something.”

  Kissing Leza sounded great, but he didn’t think she’d giggle. In fact, the last time he kissed her she'd made little mewling sounds that he loved.

  “You’re pretty smart.” He tickled her side, and she kicked out and nailed his foot.

  He froze, the four-letter words ready to blast out of his mouth.

  “Oops.”

  “El,” he cracked one eye open, “again, not your fault.”

  El’s deflated look mirrored how he felt. His squashed heart limped along, lifeless and hurt.

  “But it is my fault. If I wasn’t here, I bet Leza would come to see you.”

  “If you weren’t here, I’d still be in the Marines.”

  Her face instantly blanked, and she collapsed inward. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Me and my big mouth.

  “El. Look at me.”

  She refused and rolled tighter into a ball.

  He pressed his cheek to the top of her head. “We’ve talked about this, El. Your mom’s death is not your fault. Leza’s decision to not come over has nothing to do with you, either. You can’t take responsibility for what happens beyond your control.”

  “If I hadn’t stopped at Cara’s house to play with her new puppy, then maybe I would have gotten home in time to give Mom her inhaler. I didn't want her to take a forever nap. I miss her.”

  “I miss her too, Squirt.”

  He rested his cheek on top of her head and pulled her closer to his side.

  Last night, El explained she believed Zoe would wake up and wouldn’t know where to look for them. That’s why El wanted to make sure he didn’t fall into a deep sleep like her mom.

  “Remember when we talked about you coming to live with me?”

  El’s chin quivered. “You said you could never replace mom, that things would be different, but you would be there to take care of me.”

  “That’s ri
ght. Your mom loved you so much. If she had a choice, I know she would have wanted to stay with you. She loved you with her whole heart. And so do I.”

  “No, you don’t.” She traced a finger around the baseball on his T-shirt. “You love Leza. I can tell. She’s part of your heart too.”

  Well, hell. As a mini replica of her mom, El could see through his BS to the core of his soul.

  He rubbed his chest to ease the ache.

  “Yeah, I love Leza too, Squirt.” He tapped her nose. “But there is room for both of you in my heart. Don’t ever think otherwise.”

  “Will you marry her?”

  He tugged at his shirt collar, waiting for the beads of sweat to pop on his forehead over where this conversation might be going. “Maybe someday, but not anytime soon.”

  “Anna wanted to marry the bad prince in Frozen. He wasn’t nice. Then she met Kristoff. He was much nicer-er-er. She was smart, too. She waited until she found a good one.”

  Great. Now I'm a cartoon character. Heath might have laughed if El hadn’t been comparing his life to a cartoon. He didn’t want to wait. If he waited, another dude might snatch her up, and the jealous thought didn’t sit well on the practical or impractical side.

  For him, she was perfection, with the tiniest flaw. The false notion that if she loved him he’d leave her or somehow die.

  Everyone died eventually. He just needed to convince her he’d be around for awhile.

  “You should tell her you love her, but I wouldn’t recommend yelling at her.”

  “Yelling? I don’t yell.”

  “Yes you do. You yell at me all the time when you're scared or worried something might happen to me. Don’t yell at Leza. You may be scared, but I don’t think she’ll like it.”

  “Tell you what. I won't yell at Leza, and I'll work on not being scared. I don’t ever want you to worry that I might not love you anymore.”

  She placed a hand on either side of his mouth. “I love you, Heath.”

  He ran his knuckles over her cheek. “I will always love you, no matter what, Squirt.”

  Gunther pushed his muscled torso against Heath’s leg. “Looks like Gunther needs to go out. Can you take him, El?”

  “As long as there are no elk outside.” She gently crawled off his lap. “Last time he ran after them, and I thought he’d be eaten by the big one with horns.”

  “Elk don’t eat meat, El. Do you mean poked or kicked?”

  “I’m not sure. He put his head down, snorted, then made this weird screeching sound.”

  His hands clenched to his side. Man. Not good. He should be looking after El, not the other way around.

  “El, listen to me. If Gunther ever goes after an elk, you come tell me. Don’t try to save the dog.”

  “But I love Gunther.”

  “I know. But promise me. Gunther is faster and stronger than you think. He’ll run away and come back to you on his own.”

  “Okay,” she said in a voice way too small and hesitant to be believed. He had to trust his message was received, and reinforced his intent to be there for her.

  “After you take Gunther out, I’ll read you the story.” He held up the hardbound book.

  Her eyes sparkled like one of her glittery art projects.

  “Be back in a minute.” She raced for the door, tugged on her coat, and grabbed Gunther’s leash. “Can we bake cookies today? You said we could bake cookies on Saturday. Today’s Saturday, right?”

  “Right. Today is Saturday, and cookie baking day.” Thank heavens for premade cookie dough. “And tomorrow Ashley will take you to the library for arts and crafts hour.”

  “Yippie. I hope we paint again. I like painting.” El snapped the leash to Gunther’s collar. “Come on, boy. We’re going for a squirt and a dump, and then we’ll make cookies and read stories. I’ll let you lick the spoon if you’re good,” she said as the door closed behind her.

  A squirt and a dump. Oy.

  He had to be careful around the little sponge.

  Some days, she was too smart.

  He liked her suggestion of kissing Leza. But he’d keep his feelings under wraps for now, because what else could he do?

  Being busted up didn’t help. He’d have to run fast to catch Leza.

  ’Cause she was running like hell and going nowhere fast.

  Chapter 20

  Heath rolled over when he heard his name being called.

  He blinked several times to clear the medicated fog. Around 2 a.m. he couldn't stand the pain anymore and took a pill that drove him down blackout drive.

  Unfamiliar, heavy footsteps on the stairs made Heath shove the covers aside.

  “Heath,” his shoulders relaxed when he recognized the deep voice.

  “Chaser. In here.” His bedroom door opened slowly. He ran his hands down his face. “Man, those pain pills kicked my ass.” Heath blinked several times to clear the numbness.

  “When you didn’t answer your phone, I got worried.”

  He grabbed his cell and noted the missed calls. “Sorry, man.”

  He lifted his leg with the medical boot and swung his foot to the floor. “Give me a minute. I’ll get El ready for class.”

  “Um…” Chase tugged on his ear. “El’s not in her room, and there’s no sign of Gunther, either.”

  What? That’s odd.

  Typically he awoke to the sounds of cartoons or singing. He heard neither.

  Heath ran his hands over his head, trying to wake up. “I’ll check the yard. I bet she took Gunther for a bio break.”

  “No, I’ll check. The look on your face says you’ll do a face-plant on those stairs if you don’t put some cold water on your face first.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  He struggled into the only pair of pants that would fit over his boot and wobbled to the bathroom, did his business, then checked El’s room.

  She'd made her bed, and her backpack sat on the floor next to her drawing table. He lumbered to the top of the stairs next, noting Gunther’s missing leash.

  Panic weaseled into his chest, but training and discipline kept the fear at bay. He pulled on a sweatshirt and made it halfway down the stairs before Chase returned.

  The empty space around Chase flicked on the panic switch.

  “You didn’t find her?”

  “She’s not outside.”

  Where in the hell could she be?

  He leaned his hip against the railing and shot off a text to his next door neighbor. “Leza, is El with you?”

  A second later a text reply came. “No. Problem?”

  “She’s miss…” He clenched his hand into a fist to stop his hands from shaking so he could finish keying in the message.

  “I’m coming over.”

  Chase stood at the bottom of the steps staring at him. “Well?”

  “I thought El might have gone next door. She’s not at Leza’s either.” Heath shoved his fingers through his hair and pulled to clear the remains of the fog. “I should have never taken those meds.”

  “Dude. Beating yourself up is not helpful.” Chase’s gaze traveled around the room. “Where else could she have gone?”

  Heath hobbled down the rest of the stairs. “Gunther’s leash is missing. Maybe he got loose. I told her to let him go if he spotted a deer or an elk. I didn't want her hurt by trying to hold on. She loves that dog. My guess is Gunther spotted an animal, or he slipped his collar and went for a run, and she went after him.”

  “That means she can’t be far.” Chase added a hopeful upbeat.

  “Let’s hope so. I’ll call the department to see if there are extra guys who can help search. Then I’ll grab my coat and come with you.”

  “No you won’t,” Leza said from the porch. “You know it’s protocol for a relative to stay at the house in case she comes home. Besides, you're in no condition to search.”

  Her beautiful eyes met his. He wanted to object, but he couldn't. She was right.

  “I can't sit here and do nothing.”
>
  Leza stared at him for a moment, then brushed past Chase. “Fine. Let’s set you up at the table. Do you have a map of the area?”

  “There’s a hunting and walking trail map in the drawer to the right of the sink.”

  “Good.” She walked to the kitchen. “I’ll lay them out so we can make a game plan.”

  Yeah, but finding El wasn’t a game. He couldn’t lose El. He just couldn’t.

  Heath seized on what he could do, and do well: planning. He slid into the kitchen chair and held his head to think.

  “Hey,” she gave him a nudge. “We’ll find her. Where’s the charger for your phone?”

  He pointed at his backpack. “Over there.”

  Within seconds, a charger, pens, maps, and anything else Leza thought he might need appeared on the table.

  “Did I hear you say Gunther was with her?”

  “I think so. El mentioned him chasing after a deer or elk the other day. She’d never leave the yard without good reason.”

  Leza biting her lip—a sign she was holding her thoughts back.

  El had an independent streak, proven by the fact she disappeared in restaurants, grocery stores, or to visit neighbors without telling him.

  He slid the map closer. “What do you think? A three-mile radius?”

  Leza studied the map. “How long has she been missing?”

  Heath gulped down a giant wad of deserved guilt. He pressed fingertips to his temples. “I don’t know. She normally gets up around six.”

  “That's two hours.”

  “An average adult walks maybe three miles an hour, so my guess is she’s within maybe a four or five-mile radius.”

  Chase clasped his shoulder. “Hey, buddy. We’ll find her. We have time before the snowstorm hits.”

  His stomach did a nosedive and a belly flop. “Shit. I forgot about the storm.”

  “Let’s focus on a five-mile radius.” Leza taped her finger on the map. “You call everyone you can think of and have them search Hunters Hill Lane and Hounds Tooth trail. Chase and I will start here and search the game trails leading over to Red Fox Road.”