Purrfect Crime

by Nic Saint

  “What about parasites?” asked Odelia. “Or ticks?”

  “He’s perfectly fine—they both are,” the doctor assured Odelia. “But like I said, Max is too fat and Dooley is too skinny. So you’re going to have to put them both on a diet.”

  And thus ended our annual visit to the vet. Dooley was going to have to eat more and me… less. Bummer! Then again, it could have been worse. We could have suffered from any of the diseases listed in Vena’s waiting room. Or… ticks. And as we rode back home with Odelia, I shivered when I thought of Shanille. There would be no more choir practice for a while. At least until I was reasonably sure that Vena had taken care of our conductor’s tick problem. Brrrr!

  Chapter 10

  Odelia thought it was a little awkward to go the gym in the middle of a murder investigation, especially since she’d already spent so much time with the cats at Vena’s, but a promise was a promise. She and Chase had decided to be gym buddies and there was no way she was going to weasel out now.

  She’d dumped her gym gear into the pickup before she set out for the vet, and now parked her car in front of the gym, which was located in a strip mall just outside of town. The same strip mall housed what had once been The Vitamin King, a health food store operated by Donovan Rubb, who’d used it to sell drugs and other illegal substances beneath the counter. Since Rubb was busted, the store now housed a nail salon, and not a bad one either.

  She let the cats out of the car. They could use some fresh air after the ordeal they’d gone through at the hands of Vena. They’d taken it well, she thought, all things considered, and she had to resist the urge to buy them both a treat. No more junk food. From now on, they were going on a strict diet, Dooley to bulk up and Max to slim down.

  She slung her gym bag over her shoulder and walked up to Triple Platinum Gym. It was rumored that some of the celebrities that visited the Hamptons trained here, or at least the ones who didn’t have a private gym installed at their multi-million-dollar mansions. She looked up when the roar of a motorcycle sounded behind her, and a leather-clad biker rode up on a powerful machine. He waved at her so she waved back, wondering if this could be Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio, ready to lift some weights. When the biker removed his helmet and shook out his shoulder-length hair, however, a smile curled up her lips.

  “Hey, Chase. You certainly know how to make an entrance.”

  He directed a cheeky grin at her, his eyes smiling. “Thanks. So are you ready for the workout from hell?”

  “I’m ready for a workout, without the hell. I haven’t been to the gym in years,” she reminded him, “so go easy on me, will you?”

  “Sure thing, babe,” he growled and stepped from his machine.

  She frowned. When had he started calling her babe? Maybe since they’d started kissing as if it was a regular thing?

  He walked up to her and bent over, planting a wet smooch on her lips that made her stomach perform a double flip. Then he pulled her against his black leather jacket and repeated the procedure, only this time putting some tongue into play. When he finally released her, she thought she heard tweety-birds singing in a nearby tree. It could have been her imagination.

  “Let’s go, babe,” he said, slinging an arm around her and directing her inside.

  The gym was crowded, its patrons the usual mix of hot-looking trim chicks and equally hot-looking buff dudes. People were grunting as they hoisted stacks of iron while others were shedding what could have been their body weight in sweat as they raced an imaginary opponent on the stationary bike while watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians on the overhead TV screens. Loud rock music was blaring, the sound mixing with that of the TV screens, and somewhere near the back the Hells Angels seemed to be holding a convention, as pony-tailed middle-aged men were encouraging other pony-tailed middle-aged men to put in ‘one more rep, Rudy!’ Odelia smiled. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed the club.

  She said goodbye to Chase as she headed into the locker room and when she re-emerged, dressed in obligatory skintight lycra in the prerequisite loud colors, she saw that Chase had already reserved a station for them. It was the cable pulley machine for the back, and Chase was pulling down on the wide iron bar, the muscles in his back well-defined. She expelled an involuntary gasp. The man was huge! Dressed in a tank top and biker shorts, he was also exceedingly hot, and she had to resist the urge to stare at his pronounced front bump.

  “You started without me,” she said as she walked up.

  He grinned and let the weights fall down on the stack with a loud clanging sound. “Just a few warmup reps. So what do you wanna do?”

  “I thought about limiting myself to the cross trainer today. Start building up that cardiovascular endurance again.”

  “Or we could do some weight training first, and then finish off the session with some cardio.”

  She shrugged. She wasn’t exactly a pro at this kind of stuff, and he definitely had more experience. “Have you been doing this long?”

  “I started when I was sixteen, so you might say that’s a long time. My dad used to take me to the gym. I was a skinny kid and he thought I could use some bulking up. And since I was also a shy kid I was being bullied a lot and he figured some weight training might help with that as well.”

  “And did it help?”

  “It did. Most bullies are cowards. They don’t like to pick on guys that are bigger than them. And it didn’t take me long to get a lot bigger. Of course I had a strong incentive. These days I just do it to stay healthy and strong.”

  “So no ambitions to compete?” she asked, pointing at a poster announcing an upcoming bodybuilding competition.

  “Hell, no,” he said with a laugh. “To be absolutely honest I’m not sure it’s entirely healthy to do this stuff professionally. It’s a completely different ballgame.”

  “It sure is,” she said as she watched a guy as big as a house pose in front of the mirror. With his veins popping and his muscles clearly visible beneath his skin, he looked a little scary. ”So what did you have in mind, coach?”

  “Sit yourself down, little lady,” he said with a drawl, “and I’ll tell you exactly what I have in mind.”

  So she sat down, and after he’d changed the pin in the stack, she grabbed the handles and pulled down hard. It took her some time to get into the groove again, but then she remembered this had always been one of her favorite machines, and soon she could feel her blood pumping and her heart pounding. It was a great feeling and she gave Chase a grateful smile. “This feels good!”

  “Of course it does.”

  She wiped her sweat with her towel and they headed for the next machine, this time focusing on chest muscles. And as they walked from machine to machine, doing a full back and chest workout, she said, “There’s been a lot of rumors going around.”

  “Oh? About what?”

  “About us.”

  Chase was lying on a low bench, pressing two dumbbells up in a lateral motion. “Us, huh?”

  “Yep,” she said as casually as possible.

  “And what are they saying?”

  “Well, ‘they’ seem to think we’re in a hurry to tie the knot.”

  “And is there a reason for all this hurry?” he asked with a grunt as he lowered the dumbbells.

  “They think I’m pregnant and wouldn’t like to walk down the aisle with a baby bump.”

  He grinned as he sat upright, toweling his face. “Pregnant, huh? What do you know?”

  “Yeah. It came as something of a surprise, to be honest.”

  “Not to me.”

  “It doesn’t?”

  “Nope. I think when you take into consideration how those two lovebirds have been behaving—kissing any chance they get—it’s hardly surprising an accident would happen. And a shotgun wedding is the only way to go to spare the parents the embarrassment.”

  “Those two lovebirds, huh?”

  “Yep.”

  “Kissing all over town.”

  �
�That’s right.”

  “Strange. As far as I know they haven’t even gone on their first date yet, not to mention that she is not aware of the way he feels about her as he hasn’t said a peep.”

  “Not a peep, huh?”

  “Not a single squeak.”

  “What if I were to tell you that he figures all those times he joined her for dinner at her parents’ place counted as so many dates? And that the reason he hasn’t told her how he feels is that he didn’t want to rush into things?”

  “I’m sure she doesn’t count a dinner at her folks as a date, seeing how she didn’t even invite him but he more or less was her uncle’s plus-one. And as for rushing into things, he should keep in mind that she’s perfectly capable of telling him when she’s feeling rushed and so far she’s feeling anything but rushed. Quite the opposite. She’s starting to wonder if he has any feelings for her at all.”

  They stared at each other for a moment, then Chase took out his water bottle and quaffed deeply. “You know what?” he asked when he was done. “I think you’re right. Tagging along as your uncle’s plus-one doesn’t constitute a date. So why don’t I ask you out on a proper date right here, right now? Odelia Poole? Will you join me for dinner and a movie?”

  She smiled. “I’ll think about it.”

  “Why, you…” He made a grab for her but she deftly avoided his hands and fluttered off with a giggle. When she looked back, he was chasing her, a playful expression on his face. She squealed and darted away towards the back of the gym, stared after by the troop of Hells Angels, who seemed to enjoy the spectacle, judging from their loud cheers.

  She flew out the back door and found herself in a small courtyard, where some old iron barbells and benches stood, probably used by the most hardcore fitness fanatics. As it was, the courtyard was empty, and as she searched around for an escape route, Chase was already upon her. He swept her up in his arms, and then kissed her deeply. She went under and gave herself up to his passionate embrace. There was nothing equivocal about his kisses this time. The man might not be great with words but his lips still told her everything she needed to know. As did his hands, which quickly roamed to places they’d never roamed before. And she wouldn’t have minded if he lay her down on one of the benches right now and had his way with her, if not a choir of voices suddenly alerted her to the fact that they were no longer alone.

  “Why are Chase and Odelia fighting?” asked Dooley.

  “They’re not fighting, Dooley,” said Max. “They’re kissing.”

  “Kissing? But then why are his hands all over her?”

  “That’s all part of the ritual. Humans who like each other touch each other all over.”

  “Gran likes Odelia but I’ve never seen her touch her like this.”

  “I think it’s romantic,” Harriet gushed. “The most romantic thing I’ve ever seen.”

  “I think it’s disgusting,” said Brutus in his gruff voice.

  “Brutus! It’s love!”

  “It’s a lot of bodily fluids going into a lot of weird places. It’s unhygienic is what it is.”

  “Brutus! You’re a brute!”

  With extreme regret, Odelia extricated herself from Chase. It was a little hard to be caught up in the moment with this Greek choir commenting on her every move.

  “Something wrong?” asked Chase, his face flushed.

  She gestured with her head to the four cats, who sat on top of the wall looking down at them.

  “That’s just a bunch of cats, babe.”

  “That’s a bunch of my cats.”

  He looked again and did a double take. “Christ, you’re right. What are they doing here?”

  “I took Max and Dooley to the vet. Brutus and Harriet must have wandered off on their own.” She could hardly explain to Chase how the foursome was eager to solve the murder of Donna Bruce. She sat upright, pushing at her blond bob and adjusting her top, which had slid down with a little help from Chase.

  Chase looked like he wanted to chase the cats away, but managed to resist the urge. He cleared his throat. “So what about that date, huh?”

  “I would love to,” she said gratefully.

  He smiled broadly. “Then it’s a date. Oh, and Odelia?”

  “Mh?”

  He fixed her with an intent look. “I like you. I like you a lot.”

  She returned his smile and took his face in her hands. “I like you, Chase. Very much.”

  And then they kissed again, only a little less exuberantly than before, but no less heartfelt.

  “Aah,” Harriet gushed.

  “Ugh,” Brutus groaned.

  Chapter 11

  We all rode home with Odelia. She was very chirpy after her time spent at the gym. I thought it probably had something to do with hormones. When humans work out, they release something called endorphins in their brains, which make them feel happy. Or it might be all the kissing and groping she was doing with Chase. If this kept up, she’d soon have babies, which is something that tends to happen when humans kiss a lot. Female humans suddenly have baby humans. I have to admit I was not looking forward to that at all. I kinda liked the arrangement we had right now: me, Odelia and Dooley had a great thing going here. We didn’t need another little human to come in and ruining everything. Not to mention that Chase would move in and seriously cramp up our style.

  Odelia was so happy she had a stupid grin on her face all the way home, and didn’t say a word.

  “So what did you find out about the murderer?” I finally asked, deciding that someone had to take things in hand and steer them on the right track again.

  “Huh?” asked Odelia, snapping out of whatever daydream she was living.

  “The Donna thing? We are still trying to find out who killed that poor woman, aren’t we?”

  Odelia looked at Harriet, whose turn it was to ride shotgun, the three of us ensconced on the backseat. “What have you found out so far, Harriet?”

  Harriet seemed taken aback. She probably hadn’t expected that leading an investigation was going to involve actual, you know, leading an investigation. “I, um…” she began, darting a desperate look at Brutus. But that big lug wasn’t much help either, as he just sat there, lost in thought. Probably still trying to get the image of Odelia and Chase out of his mind. I didn’t blame him. Watching humans smooch is a traumatic experience.

  “Um…” Harriet repeated. Then she seemed to get an idea, judging from the way her furry face suddenly lit up with what might be termed the light of intelligence. Though it might also have been gas. “We could do an Internet search!” she exclaimed.

  Odelia’s eyebrows rose. “An Internet search?”

  “Yeah. Donna Bruce was an Internet entrepreneur, so there’s bound to be a lot of stuff about her on the Internet.”

  “Oh, I’m sure there is,” said Odelia, though she sounded a little disappointed. When you have four feline sleuths at your disposal, an Internet search isn’t exactly what you’re looking for. She probably could do all the Internet searches she wanted to do herself. But being the good sport that she was, she smiled at Harriet and said, “Knock yourself out, honey.”

  Harriet beamed, directing a triumphant look at me. I held up my paw, claw up, in a sign of appreciation, but under my breath I told Dooley, “What a chump.”

  “Huh?” asked Dooley, waking up from a stupor.

  “Harriet is going to do an Internet search on Donna. She hopes to find the killer that way,” I told him, just in case he hadn’t been following the conversation, which obviously he hadn’t. “And Odelia thinks it’s just the way to go.”

  “And isn’t it?”

  “Of course not. What are we going to find on the Internet that will lead us to the killer? I mean, it’s not as if whoever murdered Donna posted a message online announcing the fact. Nobody is that dumb.”

  “Right,” said Dooley, descending into his stupor again.

  I frowned at him. “What’s the matter with you? You’re awfully quiet all of a su
dden.”

  Dooley nodded. ”Right,” he muttered, clearly not listening to a word I said.

  I gave him a nudge. “Hey. What’s going on with you?”

  He looked up. “Mh? Oh. I was just thinking is all.”

  That immediately had me worried. When Dooley starts thinking, it’s bad news, as his cerebral capacity is too limited to allow for more than the occasional fleeting thought about food. It was obvious he was overtaxing his brain in a way that could prove detrimental. “Thinking about what?”

  “Do you think Odelia and Chase are going to be married?” he asked finally.

  “Yes, I do,” I said, understanding dawning. He’d been thinking along the same lines I had.

  “I mean, what with all that kissing that was going on back there… The next step is usually that they get married, right?”

  “I’m afraid so,” I said with a sigh.

  “So who’s going to give Odelia away?” he asked. “I know she’ll probably ask you, seeing as that you’re her cat and all, but I consider myself her cat, too, and I love her a lot, so I would like to be considered for the honor as well.”

  I looked up sharply. “That’s what you’re worried about?!”

  He nodded sheepishly. “You’re my best friend, Max, but giving Odelia away would be like a dream come true. And since I figure she’s not the type to get married more than once, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so…”

  I rolled my eyes. I saw what was going on. Marge was a big fan of the Hallmark Channel, and Dooley must have caught a lot of those slushy romantic movies lately, and gotten the idea in his head he was supposed to give away the bride or something. “Look, Dooley,” I said, wondering how to launch into this without upsetting him. “The thing is that in this tradition it’s not the woman’s cat who gives her away. At least not to my knowledge.”

  He frowned. “But I thought it was the one who loved her the most who gave her away? And there’s no one who loves Odelia more than me.”

  “Well, I love Odelia a lot.”

  “Oh, I know that. But I love her more.”