Forbidden (Addicted to You Book 2)

by Flatman, NJ

  She didn’t love him. I knew that. She didn’t look at him the way she had looked at me. That’s the one thing I didn’t doubt. When you’ve seen a look like that— eyes that were filled with a love that strong— you recognized it. And she didn’t have it. So whatever the fuck part he played in her life— she was not in love with him.

  She didn’t have it for me either when we’d sat at dinner. But it was different then. She didn’t have any look really. She was blank. Like she’d been erased and was waiting to start over. But she did look at me. That fucker barely got a glance from her. He was there with her. Somehow making her comfortable. But she didn’t love him. Hell, she probably barely liked him.

  So then what was it? Loneliness? Money? I didn’t know. I just knew it wasn’t anything like what we’d had.

  I felt myself beginning to break as the water poured over my head. I wasn’t sure I could make it through this. Had she felt this way when I’d left her? The clenching in my chest increased at the thought. I’d hurt her like this. No wonder she was with the loser now.

  The water cooled down— signaling I’d been in the shower far longer than half an hour. Had I washed? Did I use soap? Shampoo? Fuck. I’d been lost in thought. I didn’t have a clue.

  I didn’t much care anymore. Did it matter? No one was going to be lying in my arms. No one would know. Lord knows Kevin wasn’t gonna notice nastiness or mess. Fucking addict.

  I toweled off and slipped on my shorts. Avery had always liked them. I think she really just liked me in them. The thought made me smile. God damn it. She was gone.

  Kevin was still screaming at the TV when I went out. Fuck him. I didn’t need that shit. I grabbed a beer and headed to my room. His room. The room I was in. Guess it was time to find my own place again. Our apartment wasn’t gonna be there.

  Grabbing my phone I looked at it— hoping— praying— wishing I’d see a message or missed call. Nothing. It was just blank. Like my life. Like Avery’s face.

  I thought about calling Colby. Making sure she’d gotten home. But I couldn’t make myself. She was just a reminder. Besides, she was probably already shacked up with some one for the evening. Colby did things her way. She healed the way she needed to heal.

  I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. Knowing the truth left me with no hope. What now? Sit and stare at the walls? I thought about calling Stu or Trev. Going to hang out. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want to.

  I had no one. There was nowhere to be. No one to call. I was alone. Just like when Jamie’d left. Only worse. Because this one I didn’t want to feel. I couldn’t handle it. I needed her.

  “Sorry I’m a dick,” Kevin’s words startled me. I didn’t hear him walk up. I looked up at him.

  “That’s an apology fifteen years in the making,” I laughed.

  “Better late the never bro’.”

  “I guess.”

  “What happened?” he walked in and sat on the bed. I knew I wasn’t getting rid of him until I spilled the story. “Not there?”

  “She’s there.”

  “Didn’t get to see her?”

  “No,” I shook my head. “We saw her.”

  “Oh” I could tell Kevin was confused. If I’d seen her, why was I this miserable.

  “Saw her and Luke.” I felt like the comment should be enough. But he didn’t think so.

  “Who the fuck’s Luke?”

  “Dunno Kev,” I answered. “She lives with him.”

  “Holy fuck balls,” his comment would have normally made me laugh, but not this time. It wasn’t funny. Nothing was funny.

  “She doesn’t love him.”

  “She say that?”

  “She didn’t say much,” I admitted. “Very quiet. Very— not her. But I could tell.”

  “I’d argue,” he began, “but you know her look of love.”

  “Yep.”

  “Didn’t wanna come back huh?” he seemed to wait a bit to answer the question.

  “Guess not.”

  I sat there, feeling as numb as she had looked. I wasn’t sure what to do. I felt like I wasn’t really there. I didn’t want to be there. I saw Kevin staring at me— worried that I wasn’t okay— but it was like I was outside of myself watching.

  “What’d she say?”

  “Nothing Kev,” I snapped. “She barely spoke. Her eyes were— distant. Her face looked — hopeless I guess. I don’t know. It was like Avery wasn’t there. Her body was, but it wasn’t her.”

  “But she was with him?”

  “Yes. She lives there. Huge house. He’s got some bucks. But she didn’t touch him. Barely looked at him. But then she wouldn’t go to dinner unless he came.”

  “She’s not a money chick right?”

  “Hell no. Not Avery.”

  “How’d she meet him?” Kevin was doing the twenty questions game and I wanted to reach out and smack him.

  “Colby said at a party—something they went to when she was still there.”

  “And you’re sure they aren’t— well— you know,” Kevin didn’t want to say it.

  “Pretty sure. Like 99.9 percent sure.”

  “Dude do drugs?” he asked randomly.

  “What? What the fuck? Kevin I’m talking about Avery. Not new party friends I can hook you up with!”

  He pissed me off. That would be the only fucking part he cared about. Was the guy cool enough to do fucking drugs? Kevin was predictable to a scary degree.

  “Fuck you Spence!” he yelled. “Thinkin’ the fuckin’ worst of me.”

  “Well what the fuck else could that mean? Not your typical what was he like kinda question brother!” I was being mean and I knew it, but I was pissed.

  “That maybe that’s your answer. She doesn’t give a fuck about the money. She doesn’t want the guy. Maybe she’s on drugs and he’s the one givin’ em to her.”

  I couldn’t stop from laughing. Kevin was dumb as shit.

  “No way. Not Avery” I kept laughing. “Jesus. She’d never…”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Why the hell would you ask something like that?” I was still laughing. “She’s so damned innocent I doubt she’s even smoked and if she did she sure as hell didn’t inhale.”

  “Ya said she’s distant. Vacant. No emotion. Sounds like fuckin’ drugs to me.”

  “Nah,” I blew it off. “Not Avery. Besides— she didn’t have the look.”

  “The look of what?”

  “The look you have right now. The look of— “

  “Ice?” he asked, using his favorite slang term for his drug of choice.

  “Yea, I guess.”

  “Maybe she’s not on ice,” He shook his head. “There’s a fuck load of drugs out there bro’. But what you say— sounds like fuckin’ drugs.”

  “Not Avery. Never.”

  “Okay. Just an idea.” He backed off. Good thing. I was getting annoyed.

  “Stupid one,” I laughed again. “She just doesn’t want me man.”

  Saying it out loud made it real. I felt the tears and sank my head into my hands. I hated the way this felt. I could hear the voices.

  “Who would love you? You’re worthless.”

  The pain overwhelmed me and I let myself cave. Yea I was a man. No I didn’t want to be weak. Yes I was gonna let myself. I was hurt and I’d let myself be hurt. Chugging the beer, I let the tears fall.

  “It’s hopeless Kev,” I told him, three beers into the heart break. “Love. It’s fucked up. It hurts. Funny thing is— I was gonna tell her. Everything. I was gonna explain.”

  “I know what will make it feel better” He smiled. “At least for now”

  “I’m good.”

  “Okay,” he didn’t push. “If ya need me— well ya know where I am”

  With that Kevin got up and walked out of the room. He was wrong. Avery wasn’t on drugs. They didn’t make you sad. They made you happy. Something I’d kill for in that moment. Happiness.

  Kevin had it. I could easily go in there and do a l
ittle. I didn’t have to have a habit. Just a little line. Enough to make the pain go away. At least long enough for me to relax.

  The temptation pulled at my insides. I wanted it. I needed it. Nothing was going to make me feel better except that. Well and Avery coming home. She didn’t. So that wasn’t an option.

  I stood up. Avery gave up. What did it matter anymore?

  I walked towards the door of the room, resigning myself that I was going to cave for the first time in years. I was going to go back to the only thing that’d help me through this. At least that was the plan. But then my phone went off. It was a text. I could hear it, but I couldn’t find it.

  Hope filled my body. Was it Avery? Maybe she was texting to tell me she changed her mind. I didn’t know. But I knew that I had to find my fucking phone. Any interest in the drugs passed as I searched to see who was texting, praying with everything in me that it’d be her.

  Chapter 26

  “What’s that?” Avery’s eyes grew wide as I pulled out the bag I’d brought home.

  “Just a little celebration” I’d pulled the bottle from the bag. It wasn’t anything special. Just a bottle of rum and a coke. But it was her favorite brand. Something we didn’t have often.

  “Pizza and liquor?” she asked. “What’s the occasion?”

  “I got a promotion at work,” I shrugged. “No big deal.”

  “No big deal? Spence—” she ran up and wrapped her arms around me. “That’s amazing. I’m so proud of you!”

  “Well the pay only goes up a quarter per hour,” I told her the down side. “But I get benefits and vacation.” Twisting the cap off the bottle, I grabbed a couple of fast food cups from the cabinet. “And my own office.”

  “That’s great!” her enthusiasm wasn’t fake. She was really that happy for me. As we grabbed our drinks and pizza, making our way to the broken couch, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was.

  She put a movie in and I sat back and waited on her to join me. I was content. I was happy. Life was everything I’d wanted. That’s all that mattered.

  As she lost herself in the story we watched I sat back and thought about everything. Kevin had made it through the coma and had very few complications from the heart attack or stroke. Dr. Jenison had said he was the luckiest man she’d ever met. She was certain he’d been on the verge of death and would at the very best scenario wake up a vegetable.

  He’d had a change of heart. Finally, he’d been scared. At his request, they’d transferred him to an intense rehab center. Not his first trip for help, but what we both hoped was going to be his last. I needed my brother— I loved him— but knowing he was okay and ready to change had pushed me to go back to the one I needed most. Avery.

  I never wanted to see her the way she looked when she saw me at the door. Scared. Hurt. Betrayed. She didn’t trust me and I hated myself for that.

  My intention had never been to ask her to move in together. I only wanted her to take me back. To still love me. To need me in her life. But the way she looked at me had killed me. I needed to see her back to the happy and trusting girl I’d met. The one that had little confidence, but yet a lot of it at the same time. So the words popped out. I just had to say them.

  Truth was I was terrified of the idea. Living with her. Sharing life. Hell I was terrified of everything. That was a big commitment. The bitch hadn’t liked the idea. Tried to tell her I’d leave. Wonder what she’d have thought that night— seeing me sitting there happier than I’d ever been?

  Looking at apartments I knew we couldn’t afford much. So when we’d walked in to the one we ended up choosing— it had been a disappointment. We’d both been lucky with our places and this one was dingy and sad looking. That’s what made me create the story about how great it’d be. I romanticized what made it so dreary. Avery fell in love immediately and we’d moved in within a couple of weeks.

  Nothing was perfect, but living with her had been damned near close. I couldn’t find anything that compared to waking up and seeing her smile when she looked at me. She even tried to cook dinner sometimes— failing miserably but working hard all the same.

  When the boss had given me the promotion a couple of buddies at work had wanted to take me out. I’d refused their offer, saying maybe another time. They’d laughed and called me whipped— asking if she had my balls in her purse. I didn’t care.

  I couldn’t think of anything better than celebrating with her. I knew she’d be almost as excited as I was. I’d worked at that company for a long time and nobody had ever given me credit for anything. Finally, I felt like I was getting somewhere.

  Sometimes we’d laid on that mattress and contemplated life and our dreams. She wanted a house someday. In the suburbs. Not the one her parents lived in. Just a small middle class suburb. I laughed at the idea of me ever being middle class. I’d grown up wealthy and lived in poverty— or pretty damned close. I wondered if Avery would hate me if she knew I’d turned down money? If she knew I’d disowned my parents?

  I’d told her a few things about life. Not the big ones. Just the ones that mattered. She knew I was raised by an aunt. I told her that my parents had mental issues. It wasn’t entirely false. Ma was bipolar. That’s what the doctors called it.

  She refused medication, insisting that alcohol was better. But it made her mean. Violent. Abusive. I didn’t give a damn what name they put on it. She was a hateful and vindictive bitch. But for Avery’s sake— I only shared the mental issues part.

  Pops— he was just ignorant. To me his mental issues were worse. Because there was nothing fucking wrong with him. But he didn’t give a shit either.

  Fuck them both.

  Kevin I’d laid the groundwork on. I told her was dealing with childhood shit. It was true, right? Besides— he was in rehab. He’d scared himself straight. He wasn’t gonna do anything else. Soon she’d get to spend time with him and know my brother. That’s what mattered, right? He was my only real family other than Dee and Bill.

  A few glasses in and I saw her yawn, leaning against my arm and resting her head. I pulled her in closer and just held her. Life was right where I wanted it to be. For the first time— everything was going my way.

  “I’m sleepy,” she mentioned as the movie faded into credits.

  Avery never tolerated liquor well. Within minutes of me leading her to the bed, she was asleep. Her body pressed against mine, the smell of coconut filling my nostrils. I wrapped my arms around her and just lay there holding her while she slept. It was my favorite time of night.

  Don’t get me wrong. I loved sex with her. It was perfect. Seriously. No other girl had ever made me feel like she did. But that wasn’t my favorite thing. Just lying there, in the dark, holding her close to me and knowing she was mine— that was what I wanted for the rest of my life.

  I couldn’t fall asleep. Too much excitement had happened that day. I wish I had. I wish I’d fallen asleep and never heard my phone. That I’d never seen the text. I wish I could go back and have never made the choice I made that night.

  Bro, call me. Please. 911.

  It was Kevin. I wasn’t sure how he’d managed to text me. He was in rehab. He wasn’t supposed to have access to his phone. He certainly wasn’t supposed to be texting and communicating with people at damn near midnight.

  I got out of bed quietly, moving my arm from under her head so gently she wouldn’t notice. She was out. I doubted anything would wake her up. But I wanted to be sure.

  “How are you texting?” It was the first thing I thought to say.

  “I’m out.” The words hit me like a blow to the face. He was out? How? He had a good month left.

  “What?”

  “I was doing so well. They let me out.” He sounded pleased with himself.

  “At midnight?” I asked, still unsure why I had to call him.

  “No,” he tried to laugh, but I heard him gasp for air. “Yesterday.”

  “And you are just now telling me?”

  The room started to sp
in. I knew. He had been out for more than a day and was just now calling. He hadn’t scared himself at all. He had left that place and went right back to it. He was high.

  “I’m sorry,” he offered, both of us knowing what he was apologizing for.

  “What do you want Kev?” my voice was hard, rigid. I didn’t want to have this conversation.