A Convenient Arrangement

by Maggie Marr

  Damn. She wouldn’t change his mind. Nope. No matter how hard he might fall for Gwen, his feelings for her weren’t going to change his vision for the future. A vision that included a child-free existence.

  Gwen glanced over from her spot beside Mrs. Bello. She smiled, but he saw a hint of something other than joy in her eyes. A sad knowing in her expression. He guessed his expression mirrored hers. Introducing their relationship to his family and her friends had added a weight, and was forcing them to confront a multitude of facts they’d conveniently avoided. Their family and friends had pointed out the obvious differences in lifestyle between them, and now those differences were impossible to ignore. He and Gwen couldn’t avoid talking about their future much longer. Now that the entire family was involved, avoidance was impossible.

  Chapter 16

  Three days. She hadn’t seen Leo in three days, the longest amount of time they’d been apart since they started dating. She blamed work, both hers and his, but work wasn’t the entire reason for their absence from each other’s lives over the last seventy-two hours. Sure, he had final tweaks on his new app to worry about, and she had final tweaks on the launch party for the app to settle, not to mention meetings on the Vanderpelk wedding plus a myriad of other events in various stages. Yes, Gwen could plausibly blame work. Such an easy excuse, for anything really, but especially useful as the reason why she and Leo hadn’t seen each other in three days. But it wouldn’t be completely accurate.

  That absence was about to end. He’d called, and she’d texted, and they’d agreed on dinner at her place. She stood at the stove, stirring a pot of andouille sausage gumbo, a favorite she loved on a cold winter night. Tonight was cold, and it was still technically winter, but most of all she feared that before the evening ended, her life, and everything else would be far more cold and lonely.

  Gwen had seen fear in Leo’s eyes two times now, and she didn’t believe there’d be a third time. The first had been at Aubrey’s baby shower. She’d nuzzled a baby blanket, thinking of the day when such a blanket would be for her own baby. Gwen wouldn’t apologize for that, why should she? She had always wanted to be a mother; in her opinion, motherhood was one of the great perks of being a woman. When she’d looked up from that blissful moment, she’d witnessed the near-terror on Leo’s face. Not long after, he’d fled the party without a good-bye.

  Gwen splashed hot sauce into the gumbo and took a taste. Almost ready. The second time had been this past Sunday, while his brothers had been grilling him in the living room. Her gaze had met his, and the look in his eyes then had been doubt and fear. Not over her, exactly. She didn’t believe that Leo doubted his feelings for her. No, instead, he doubted that the type of life he wanted matched the type of life Gwen desired.

  She had the same doubts.

  Yes, tonight was good-bye. Not an end filled with recriminations and anger, but an end filled with tears. She wouldn’t ask him to give up the life he desired. She cared for him too deeply to even ask, any more than he would ask her to give up what she wanted in life. So adult. So grown up. So why did her heart ache like a that of a child who’d just lost her puppy?

  A knock, followed by the faint sound of his voice. “Gwen?”

  She hurried to the front door, her body tightening with his tone and tenor. The only man who could make her body turn to jelly simply with the sound of his voice. Yes, there would be no other Leo Travati in her life, not ever.

  She opened the door. “Hey,” she said softly. Her lips curled into a tiny smile that didn’t reach her eyes. There he stood, a beautiful man. A big beautiful man with gorgeous eyes, a wonderfully wicked smile, a booming laugh, and hands…my goodness, hands that knew how to make her tremble with want.

  Leo bent forward and kissed her. She closed her eyes and savored the feeling of his body close to hers, his lips on hers, his arm around her waist. She absorbed every bit of this moment, because Gwen knew that soon there would be no more moments like this.

  “I brought wine.” He held up a bottle that she instantly recognized had to cost more than her rent.

  She took the wine from him. “Nice bottle.”

  “Got it the last time I was in France. Dinner smells good. What is it?”

  “Sausage gumbo and fresh bread.”

  Leo’s eyes widened. “Seriously? You made gumbo and bread?”

  Gwen smiled and nodded.

  “Is there anything you can’t do?”

  She didn’t let her smile waver. “Nope.” Except keep you. The words flew through Gwen’s mind, and she pressed her lips together tightly, afraid that she might blurt them out. Not yet. Not now. Let them have one more meal together. A few more moments filled with smiles, and laughter, and kisses. Then, after their meal, then, let them have the conversation about the future that they wouldn’t be sharing. Leo met her eyes wordlessly, and Gwen could see he understood, he acquiesced. He too knew, that tonight, for them, would be the end.

  *

  “This was a great meal.” Leo picked up her bowl and his and carried them to the kitchen. Crumbs, all that remained of her homemade loaf of bread, littered the tiny dining table. “Perfect for a cold night.” He scrubbed the soup bowls and put them in the dishwasher and Gwen carried the rest of the plates to the kitchen counter. They silently loaded the dishwasher. She tossed in a pod of dishwashing detergent, twisted the dial, and the machine started softly humming.

  Leo leaned against the counter on the other side of the sink. He looked relaxed and casual, a tiny smile hovered about his lips, but the growing tension of their unspoken conversation filled the space between them.

  “We should talk,” Gwen said, breaking the silence. Leo nodded. He leaned forward and put his arm around her waist. They walked through her apartment to the couch. He pulled her down beside him and put his arm around her shoulders.

  “I think…” Leo’s eyes, those gorgeous brown eyes, searched her face. “I’m concerned we want different things.”

  Gwen’s heart bounded into a sprinter’s pace. He’d just put her own thoughts, that had raced around her brain for the last three days, into words. “I think so too.”

  “You’re not a convenient arrangement. You’ve never been a convenient arrangement, I need you to know that. You mean much more than that to me, but…” Leo’s words drifted off, as though he realized once he spoke the words that came next, the end between them was inevitable.

  Gwen sighed. “You don’t want to get married. You don’t see yourself with a family. You don’t want to be a father. The future you want doesn’t hold those things.”

  “No,” Leo hesitated. “It’s not that I don’t want to get married—”

  “You just don’t see yourself married to me.”

  “It’s not even that. I love you.” He touched his fingertips to her hair. “I know my feelings. I could see us married. Not tonight, but maybe someday. And hell, Gwen, I never ever thought I’d picture myself married to anyone. It’s just…” He bit his bottom lip. “As much as I can envision a permanent future with you, I can’t…I can’t see myself with…kids.”

  Gwen swallowed. Leo Travati could see himself married to her—maybe. Picture his life forever entwined with hers, perhaps…So what was he offering her? The possibility of a potential happily-ever-after as long as there were no children involved?

  “I can’t…” Leo shook his head. “I can’t guarantee anything right now, other than I know I won’t ever want kids.”

  Gwen nodded. “But I do.”

  Leo caressed her cheek. “And you do.”

  Heat welled up behind her eyes. Her heart twisted, and a giant lump lodged in her throat.

  “You’ll make a great mom someday, Gwen, I know you will.”

  Horrible big ugly tears leaked from her eyes, and she turned away from Leo. She didn’t want him to see her cry. How silly. He hadn’t proposed. He hadn’t guaranteed a future. He’d merely told her what she’d already known, that he didn’t want children. So why all the emotion?
/>   Maybe she’d hoped. Maybe she’d thought…for a minute…a second…that loving her, being with her, spending time with her, was enough for him to change his vision of his future. No. Of course that was never going to happen. She wiped her eyes and took a big breath. No more tears.

  “Okay, well, I think—”

  “I should go,” Leo said. He rose to his feet and so did she. “I…I’m sorry, I…Gwen, I do love you.”

  Her eyes burned with the effort of keeping her tears back, and she fought to keep her bottom lip from trembling. Leo loved her and she loved him. He loved her in the only way that he could, but that love was limited. She couldn’t accept those limits and have the type of life she’d always wanted.

  “I know,” she whispered. She tried to put a smile on her face, but it was tight and most likely crooked. Her mask of nonchalance was impossible to wear. She couldn’t pretend that everything was okay, and that Leo’s words, his good-bye, their ending wasn’t shredding her heart. She tried, dammit, but the tears still flooded her eyes and pain speared her chest.

  Leo leaned down and wrapped his arms around her now, pulled her close. She inhaled his scent, knowing that this sad little hug, would be the last time she touched him with the intimacy of a lover. His scent would never again cling to her sheets, her clothes, her skin. As soon as Leo closed the door behind him, their intimacy would no longer be a part of her life. Gone, as though their affair had never happened, as though it were merely a dream that had fleetingly been in her life and passed. Except it wasn’t, and now all his family and her best friends knew.

  “Gwen,” he whispered into her hair. “My God, I wish I could be the man you need. I love you.”

  But you can, she wanted to yell. With a few simple words and some bravery he could. Her heart hurt with the knowledge that he didn’t want to try, that he was willing to let her go instead of braving his fears. She stepped away from him, looked up into his face, his jaw still close to hers. That beautiful face with the full lips and that look of love and yet his face was no longer her lover’s face. Already a distance grew between them, a silence like a hard living thing that wouldn’t let her say what she wanted, wouldn’t let her reach out and tell him all her hopes and dreams for the future she truly wanted to share with him.

  He bent down and his lips were on hers. This would be their final kiss, the last one between them, the kiss she would remember on dark nights when she felt alone and afraid that she’d made a mistake, let the love of her life go because she wanted more than he could give. His mouth grew insistent, his breathing heavy. He pulled her closer and she let him. His tongue slid into her mouth and probed, lighting her entire body with a fire and a sadness that seared this moment upon her soul. Yes, it would be this kiss, their final kiss, and the kiss at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve that started it all that she would take with her, that she would remember when she let herself think of Leo and what they’d had together.

  The heat of him, the hard planes of his body against hers, the overwhelming desire she had for Leo made her breasts heavy with want. She’d played with fire. She’d known who Leo was and how he was before she’d ever kissed him. He’d been honest with her from the beginning, but she’d been less than honest with herself.

  It took every ounce of her strength to pull away from him, to tilt her head back and look into his eyes. Those brown eyes with flecks of gold. Eyes she’d always remember. “I love you too,” Gwen said. She summoned the strength to continue. She needed to say this, needed him to know. “But I want you for more than just now, I want you for forever. And yes, I want everything that goes with that—a marriage, a family, and children. You’ve never lied about what you wanted, but then again, neither have I.”

  Leo nodded. He swallowed. The heat between them still there, but fading under the chill of the ever-widening distance between them.

  Leo leaned forward and touched his forehead to hers, just as he had on New Year’s Eve. “I’m sorry, if I was ever…if that life was ever going to be mine…I would…” His gaze lasered onto hers. “Gwen, I’d want that life with you.”

  Again the crooked and sad smile. What pathetic words those were, the sorriest kind of consolation prize. But she’d take them. She’d hold them close to her heart, clutched in her hand, especially when she saw news on the gossip pages, as she inevitably would, of Leo with his latest convenient arrangement.

  “I should go.”

  The words ripped through her soul. She wanted to ask him to stay, to tell him she would be okay, that she could do what he wanted, be what he needed instead of a woman who wanted a ring and kids and the whole package. But that would be a lie to herself and a lie to him. They stood together, each of them loath to surrender the other. His hands finally dropped from her shoulders, and she stepped back from his embrace. And with that, the magic of their brief time together slipped away on a brisk March wind. She was again Gwen, single and alone, and he was Leo, the most eligible bachelor in the world. She walked silently behind him toward the door.

  “I… Let me know if you need anything.” As though he didn’t know what else to say. What she needed, he couldn’t provide. “I love you, Gwen.” His hands rose, as if to embrace her once more, but then he dropped to his sides. He grabbed his coat. One final look filled with a longing and a sadness then the door closed behind him.

  “I love you, too,” she whispered.

  Chapter 17

  “Man, you look like shit.” Justin dropped the rubber ball to the court.

  “Thanks.” The sarcasm was automatic, but Leo knew his brother was right.

  Justin slammed the ball into the wall and Leo’s rubber soles squeaked on the wooden floor as he raced to return the shot. He stumbled and Justin easily scored the point.

  “Playing like shit, too.” Justin bounced the ball and turned back toward his brother. “Which is okay with me, because this is game point.”

  Leo bent forward. He couldn’t keep his mind in the game. He’d hoped this match would distract him from his thoughts of Gwen. Two weeks. Two weeks, and he’d yet to go three minutes without his mind wandering to Gwen. His brother wiping the floor with him didn’t seem to be helping.

  Justin served and the ball whizzed right by Leo, well within his reach, and yet his racquet missed by a mile.

  “Finished.” Justin headed toward the doorway without his normal victory salute or brotherly ribbing. He had to know that he didn’t have a worthy opponent in Leo today. “Is this weak-ass showing because you’ve been spending too much time with Gwen?”

  Leo hadn’t mentioned his and Gwen’s decision to his brothers. He guessed by Justin’s question, Gwen hadn’t said anything to the estrogen-mafia either.

  Leo’s throat tightened. “We…”—he scrubbed a towel over his face—“Gwen and I decided we’d be better apart.”

  Justin’s head popped up. “You put us all through that Sunday dinner and then you call it quits?”

  “Didn’t realize this was your relationship.” Leo shoved the towel into his bag.

  “Once you brought the relationship into the open, then it became all of ours, yes. You’re so smart and yet…how do you not know this?”

  “Funny.” Leo picked up his bag and walked toward the door on the far side of the court.

  “Seriously, stop. Did you break her heart? Was this because—”

  Leo’s chest tightened. He didn’t want to discuss this with Justin, he didn’t want to talk about Gwen with anyone. “This was a mutual decision. There were no other parties involved. We simply want different things.”

  “She wants children and you don’t.”

  Leo’s eyes narrowed. Justin’s words sounded so cut and dried. Was it really that simple? He didn’t think so. Children were a big responsibility, huge. They changed your entire life. There was mess and crying and poop and no leaving and damn, he simply didn’t want or need any of that. But then there would be Gwen too…holding his baby, being the mother of his children. Leo shook his head.
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br />   What the hell? He couldn’t believe he was even thinking about it. No. No kids.

  “That’s not all of it, but a big part.”

  “Really? There’s more? Like what?” Justin picked up his sports bag and ambled toward Leo, a smug smile on his face. “Gwen seems pretty damn perfect for you in almost every way. So what are the other problems?”

  “None of your damn business,” Leo grumbled. “She’s not my usual type.”

  “Oh, you mean the vapid overindulged high-maintenance ladies from before? The ones you had to develop a ‘convenient arrangement’ with so they wouldn’t show up on your doorstep at four a.m. screaming obscenities?”

  Leo bristled.

  “Yeah, I can completely understand why you’d want to go back to that, instead you know, someone real, with a heart and organic body parts.”

  “Enough. We made the decision. We’re done.” Leo said the words, and yet, his heart ached. He wouldn’t admit it to Justin or anyone else but Justin was right…completely right. But to give up his entire vision of his future for Gwen? No. Just no. He couldn’t sell himself short like that, he wouldn’t. He’d watched his dad spend every moment of his life trying to take care of all of them and grow old in the process.

  “Fair enough. Your life, your decision. Even when you make the wrong one.” Justin exited the court.

  Such a first-born, always trying to get the last word, as though big brother knew everything. Leo followed Justin off the court slowly. Except maybe this time, Justin did.

  *

  Work was a refuge. Gwen wanted to curl up into a tiny ball around Mr. Mouse, pull her covers over her head, and never leave her apartment again, or at least until this horrid empty feeling in the pit of her stomach disappeared, but she couldn’t and wouldn’t wallow. Deadlines, and clients, and work loomed, and thank God, really, she had work to do, because otherwise she might be unshowered and stuffing Oreos into her mouth all day long.