Winter Hearts

by A. E. Radley

  That was a new little twist, but Nat reminded herself that if Jess didn’t want to move with her parents, she would have dug in her heels. “You’re right. I guess she loves this place too much. And I have to say, I love this place and I love her for loving it.”

  It was now or never. The only way she was going to salvage this failure of a dinner was to do something drastic, something she’d planned to do anyway. It’d certainly change the mood, one way or the other.

  “In fact,” Nat said, rising from her chair and dabbing her mouth with her napkin, “I’ve given a lot of thought to how I feel about Jess and being here, and I want to say something.”

  Jess leaned back in her chair, eyes wide, and set her fork down on her plate. “Nat,” she drawled, “what the heck are you doing?”

  “Just this.” Nat dug into the pocket of her jeans for the small white box. “One of the reasons I invited your parents here was because they ought to see this. I want to ask you a very important question.”

  The tell-tale pop of the box opening was followed by a sharp gasp. Jess pressed both hands over her mouth as Nat knelt in front of her.

  “Jessica May Morgan, I love you and I’ve been in love with you since the moment we met. I know you popped the question a year ago, but we’ve waited because we wanted to make sure your parents could be a part of this. And I wanted to give you this, anyway, so will you marry me?”

  CHAPTER 5

  “Well, your fiancée has some sense of timing.” Mrs. Morgan put a pot roast in the shopping cart, then peered at a rack of ribs on the lower shelf of the refrigerated case.

  “I’ll say.” Jess glanced down at the ring sparkling on her finger.

  A diamond ring on her finger.

  Holy crap.

  Pretty things didn’t usually turn her head but, damn, this stone was a stunner. Even prettier than the one she’d given Nat last Christmas, the one she hardly ever wore because farm life was too rough and messy to make it practical.

  “You know,” she said, tearing her gaze away from the diamond’s miniature rainbow refractions, “you don’t need to do this for us.”

  “I always liked making Christmas dinner for you kids.” Mrs. Morgan hesitated and then turned back to Jess, mouth compressed in a grim line. “Anyway, I’m here and it’s the least I can do. Natalie has already been such a gracious hostess, and I can tell she enjoys doing it. Now, let me take a turn.”

  It seemed strange to think of her mother being a guest in her own home. Her parents still owned the house, at least in part. “It’s your home, too, Mom,” Jess pointed out.

  “No. Not anymore, and it hasn’t been for quite some time. I think it suits you and Natalie, though.”

  They continued to stroll along the supermarket aisles, the cool air almost as uncomfortable as the winter wind whipping at the trees outside. Jess jammed her hands in her coat pockets and glanced up at the fluorescent lights. They made everything in the store look sharp and all-too-real. Like the pain that knifed through her when she thought of losing her brother so many years ago.

  “I wouldn’t want you here if it hurts,” she said.

  “It doesn’t matter where I am. It never stops hurting.”

  “So why did you leave?” She stopped in the middle of the aisle, hoping her mother would do the same. Hoping she’d get some acknowledgment that her parents’ decision had been the wrong one. Because even though she’d graduated high school, Jess simply wasn’t prepared to live on her own at the time.

  Her mother halted, knuckles going white as she gripped the handle of the shopping cart. Christmas music jingled merrily from a speaker somewhere above them, a mockery of Jess’s feelings as she confronted all the pain that’d collected inside her for nearly fifteen years.

  “I couldn’t think of a better way of alleviating the pain of losing a child, except to leave the place where it happened. This town has too many memories attached to it.”

  “But some of those are good memories,” Jess argued. “Like how Jeremy graduated as valedictorian and won all those football championships. People still think of him as a local hero, in a way, and talk about how much they miss him.”

  “Which is exactly why I left.” Mrs. Morgan’s voice rose before cracking on the last word. “Do you think I want to hear, day after day, about how wonderful my son was? That wouldn’t bring him back, Jessica. All it would do is remind me that I had someone amazing and then I lost him too soon.”

  Cold anger surged through Jess, an irrational emotion, but one she couldn’t subdue. “So, what – because you lost a son, that meant I needed to lose my parents? I lost someone too, Mom. Jeremy wasn’t just your son. He was my brother. And then you left, taking all of that love away with you. I was only nineteen when you decided to go. I still needed you. Why did we let it get to a point where I couldn’t even tell you I was engaged? Why did we let this happen?”

  She pulled her hands from her pockets and pressed her palms together in a pleading gesture, one she knew wouldn’t move her mother. Even when she was a kid, she’d never been able to sway her mother in an argument. It’d always been futile to try. Still, she couldn’t stop the anger and despair from spilling from her now.

  “I needed you, because I was in pain, too. Realizing you couldn’t stand to be here didn’t make things better for me. It made everything worse. That need has been with me for going on fifteen years and that’s time we can never get back.”

  That same implacable expression remained on her mother’s face. “You could have come with us. We wanted you to.”

  “But I didn’t want to. Our lives and all the memories have always been here. Unlike you, I wasn’t about to run away from it all. Who would be here to honor Jeremy’s memory or visit his grave if I did that, huh?” Jess dropped her hands, now clenching them into fists at her sides. “And I do that, Mom, at least every season. I’m the one stopping at his grave, leaving him flowers, talking to him about how much I miss him, while you ran away. How long are you going to run away from him and me? How long?”

  By now, Jess knew she was crying there in the middle of the grocery store, but she didn’t care. Every customer in the store could have heard her, and it still didn’t matter. All that mattered was she finally told the woman in front of her how she felt, to the mocking tune of some jaunty holiday song that made her want to scream.

  Mrs. Morgan simply resumed pushing the cart down the aisle. “You seem to have found someone to give you the love we’ve apparently withheld from you.”

  “Yeah, I did. I don’t suppose you’re going to come to the wedding?”

  “I’ll be there, because I do love you, Jessica, and it hurts that you’d think otherwise, just like it hurts that you waited for a year to tell me about Natalie. You know I would have been happy for you.” Her mother seemed to ignore her as Jess wiped the tears off her face. Instead of even looking at her daughter, she leaned over to inspect a pack of dark chocolate that was on sale. “She’s a good woman, probably the kind you need to take care of you since you’re apparently so fragile.”

  “Wow, Mom, really?” Jess almost couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She knew about Nat’s horrible grandmother, but her own parents had always been pretty down to earth. This intolerant attitude of her mother’s hurt beyond belief.

  “All I’m saying is maybe you need to get away from all of this more than you realize.”

  Jess folded her arms, then scratched her cheek against the shoulder of her winter coat. This conversation was going nowhere, which was probably what she should have expected after fifteen years of distance. “How can you even say that?”

  Her mother picked up the dark chocolate, set it in the shopping cart and then glared at her. “I’m not the one crying in a grocery store, am I?”

  CHAPTER 6

  Something in the way Jess moved stiffly through the house set Nat’s nerves on edge. She reached out to take Jess into her arms before she could stalk out of their bedroom. It wasn’t that she believed that hugs co
uld solve anything, but her fiancée certainly looked like she could use one.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” she asked, reaching up to brush the waves of dark hair away from Jess’s face.

  Lips pressed together in a mutinous expression, Jess just stared at her. Nat knew she was probably trying to figure out what to say without causing a huge scene, what with her parents in the house. It wasn’t easy, Nat knew, to deal with family sometimes. Her own daunting socialite of a grandmother was living proof of that.

  But Nat held tight to Jess and waited patiently for an explanation.

  “I tried to have a talk with my mother,” Jess finally muttered. “It did not go well.”

  “Oh crap, I’m sorry. Do you want to sit down?” She gestured to the bed. “I could close the door and we can talk.”

  “No.” The way Jess’s voice wavered broke Nat’s heart. “I just want to work, if that’s okay with you.”

  “Of course it is. Go on.” Nat tightened her hands for a moment as she briefly considered pushing the subject, and then released Jess. At the very least, she wanted Jess to know she was there for her.

  As soon as Jess left the room, Nat dug into her bag and pulled out the other item she’d been waiting to share with the family. This was, she knew, her last-ditch effort to make something positive happen. At this point, she also knew she wasn’t healing Jess or her family.

  She was pushing them. The only problem was, this might be the one thing that pushed them over the top.

  But they needed it, one way or the other. It’d take a gesture of radical love to get them to realize each of them had to do the same for one another. So, Nat took the item downstairs and set it on the coffee table. They’d know what it was soon enough.

  Darkness fell early, as usual for this time of year. The family had eaten and Nat rose to clear the plates. The multicolored lights of the Christmas tree glowed just beyond the kitchen, in the living room. Last year, it’d been the scene of laughter and joy, with Kate and Joe, and their family. Now, the very idea of going in there left Nat’s stomach rebelling against the delicious meal they’d just eaten.

  “I was thinking,” Nat said as she rinsed her plate, “that we could watch a holiday special together. It seems like it would be a nice way to spend the evening.”

  When no one spoke, Nat wondered if they’d even heard her. Jess looked miserable, her mouth pulled down in a frown and her gaze far away. Her mother had the exact same expression. Like mother, like daughter, Nat thought.

  It was Mr. Morgan who said, “Why not? I’ve always liked those holiday movies.”

  Even though they looked like they were being dragged off to perform manual labor or, worse, work on a chain gang, both Jess and Mrs. Morgan followed Nat and Mr. Morgan into the living room after Nat finished clearing the table.

  She knelt in front of the television, reached back to the coffee table, and scooped the Blu-ray into her hand. A cold sense of dread settled in her belly and, for a moment, the panic froze her in place. This push she’d been so sure they needed might be too much. It might ruin any chance of Jess getting the family she deserved.

  Or it might, Nat thought, be exactly what they need.

  Before anything could sway her from her wild optimism, she shoved the Blu-ray into the player, turned on the television, and scrambled back toward the sofa.

  As she wedged herself between Jess and the arm of the couch, the screen flashed a picture of the entire Morgan family – Jess and Jeremy, flanked by their parents – and selections for chapters. Before anyone could protest, Nat selected “Play All.”

  The compilation video started with baby Jeremy, home movies put together by the archive company downtown. Nat hazarded a glance at everyone in the room. Jess sat, open-mouthed and staring, while her mother’s lips were twisted as if she might cry. Her father’s face looked stoic, yet tears shined in his eyes as the movie showed Mrs. Morgan in the hospital bed, holding the infant.

  The Blu-ray played on, showing Jeremy reaching for the camera, taking his first wobbly steps, then at his first birthday. Still, no one said a word, but Nat could hear their breathing just under the dialogue and chatter on the video. Jess had gone completely still, while her parents’ breaths were uneven, wet with unshed tears.

  Soon, it was Jess who also showed up in the home movies, but the focus remained mostly on Jeremy. Nat hadn’t asked them to put together everything. She’d just selected very specific segments, piecing their lives together.

  There was Jeremy with his first car, looking proud as he leaned back against it, arms folded. His dark hair was a little too long in front, falling over his eyebrows. Behind the camera, Nat could hear his mother urging him to get it cut.

  “No way, Mom!” he called back playfully, then resumed posing against the car. “I look cool. Let it go.”

  Then Jess could be heard just off-camera, saying, “Your car looks cool, but you look like a loser in it.”

  And then Jeremy was tackling her, capturing her in a headlock as both the seventeen-year-old and thirteen-year-old giggled. “Can’t you send her back to the kid factory, Mom?” Jeremy asked, even though he was grinning.

  “Ha, no, you go back!” Jess responded, nudging his arm with her small, ineffectual fist.

  “What the hell is this?” Now it was Mrs. Morgan speaking. Only, it wasn’t the one behind the camera. It was the one sitting on the other side of Jess, there in the living room, taut features illuminated by the Christmas lights.

  Nat raised the remote to pause the video. “Look, you had a great son,” she said, turning to face the Morgans, “and you’ve got one heck of an amazing daughter, too. All I’m asking is that you come together to remember Jeremy, as well as the fact that you still have Jess. Why is that too much to ask of you?”

  Mrs. Morgan gaped at her wordlessly before pushing herself up off the sofa and fleeing. Her steps thumping up the stairs, followed by the slamming of a door.

  The next sound – the slapping of hands against knees – startled Nat, who jumped and looked at Mr. Morgan. “Well,” he said, “that’s done, then.” He rose from the chair and went upstairs, following his wife.

  When Nat moved her gaze to Jess, she drew back. The way her fiancée glared at her, Nat could only think of Mr. Morgan’s sentiment. And then Jess launched herself up off the sofa, hurried through the kitchen, and out the back door.

  “So,” Nat muttered to herself, “I guess that is done.”

  CHAPTER 7

  Jess didn’t think she’d ever stop crying. At least there was no one to see her in the greenhouse as she let it all go. It was the one place she could get away from everyone and let her feelings out.

  When she thought she was done crying, a fresh wave of tears overtook her. Folding in on herself, she crouched there in the dirt, between the rows of plants, gasping for breath. It didn’t seem like the tears would ever stop, but they finally did, which left her blinking blearily at her surroundings.

  “Okay,” she said to herself, sucking in a deep breath. “Okay. It’ll be okay.”

  “Jess?” The tentative voice sounded full of pain, and Jess wondered how she could find it in her heart to care after seeing the awful surprise Nat had sprung on her and her parents.

  But she did care. Perhaps more than she wanted to say. She pushed herself to her feet, still wiping her eyes with her fists. “I’m here,” she answered.

  “Good. Or, not good, because that wasn’t my intention.”

  When Jess blinked everything back into view, she saw Nat standing just inside the greenhouse, coat, scarf, and gloves all on, and arms wrapped around herself. In the dim glow from one of the exterior motion sensor house lights, Nat’s face was a mask of misery.

  “I just wanted all of you to see how much you loved each other as a family, you know?”

  “I know,” Jess answered, her voice still high and thin. She cleared her throat, swallowing tears and goodness knew what else. “That wasn’t exactly what I wanted for Christmas, though. My own speci
al engagement ring would have been enough. Maybe even setting a date, because I really would like to lock this thing we have down, though preferably not with you inviting my parents behind my back.”

  Somehow, that statement broke the ice. Nat let out snorting laughter, followed by Jess. Within moments, they were leaning against each other, gasping for breath. Only, this time, it was because they’d shared a moment of joy – not pain.

  “Gosh, I needed that,” Nat said, still chuckling as she finally straightened.

  “Me too.” Heaving a deep sigh, Jess shook her head and said, “What you’re doing isn’t going to work on my family. My parents have just spent too long trying to forget and no amount of confrontation is going to change that. I think the best thing we can do is respect their wishes when it comes to how they deal with Jeremy’s death.”

  Nat reached out and plucked at the sleeve of her coat. “Do you want to tell me about him? I mean, I have some idea from the photos and the home movies, and I know you visit his grave often, though you’ve never asked me along. Just curious. Only if you want to talk about him, of course.”

  Sucking in her breath through her teeth, Jess finally grinned and asked, “How much time do you have?”

  “All night. All my life. All the time you need.” Nat blinked and for a brief moment, Jess thought there might be tears again. But her fiancée just stood there, watching her, waiting patiently. Like she had ever since they’d realized they belonged together. That was Nat, patience incarnate, another thing Jess appreciated about her.

  “Okay, well, he was hilarious. He turned pretty much everything into a joke. Very typical big brother and his whole big man on campus image at our high school was well deserved. He was nice to everyone. It didn’t matter which social group they were in. And then there was his work. He wanted to be a lawyer, you know, except he had his heart set on doing something in the non-profit sector. Toss in his glory days on the football team and making valedictorian and, well…”