Radiate

by Gibson, Marley

  Cars whirl past me on the highway, some honking, others flashing their lights.

  Here I sit.

  All alone.

  My hazard lights flash red outside the car, illuminating my emotional emergency.

  Swimming in tears and angst, dampening my uniform.

  Death grip on the steering wheel, I know I’ve got to keep going.

  Forging ahead.

  Continuing.

  I have to.

  I must.

  I will.

  But not until the racking sobs ease or at least ebb.

  This is my final release.

  A long time coming.

  The light turns green. A Jeep behind me honks its horn.

  I wave at it and then swipe the tears off my cheeks.

  It’s done. The crying jag, that is.

  I can move forward now.

  This is the fifth time that I cry—and it’s going to be my last.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  A friend drops their plans when you’re in trouble, shares joy in your accomplishments, feels sad when you’re in pain. A friend encourages your dreams and offers advice—but when you don’t follow it, they still respect and love you.

  —Doris Wild Helmering

  I turn the car onto the highway and make it through all of the green lights of the fast food strip to head toward my house. I opt against meeting up with everyone at the Burger Barn. What’s the point? So Daniel and his friends can ridicule the bald chick? So I can watch as he scouts out whom he’ll take to homecoming instead of me? No, thanks. I’m hot, tired, angry, spent. I just want to go home, curl up with Leeny on the couch, and eat ice cream.

  Yeah, I definitely have an appetite for some ice cream... which is good.

  The music from the CD player is cranked, a strong techno beat that helps drown out the instant replay of the showdown with Daniel that my mind loves to cue up every second. I focus on the 808 beat, the whir of the synthesizers, and the repetitive keyboard riff. When I pull into the driveway, I shut the car off and sit for a while, absorbing the musical flow around me, seeping into my veins, and re-energizing me.

  My melodious therapy is interrupted when my BlackBerry goes off. It’s Lora.

  WHERE R U?

  @ HOME

  Y?

  DON’T WANT 2 TALK @ IT

  HAYLEY!

  DANIEL BROKE UP W/ME. OK?

  Y?

  BCUZ HE’S A DUCK

  A DUCK? LIKE QUACK?

  A DICK!

  WHAT DID HE DO 2 U?

  WILL TELL U L8R.

  COME HANG OUT

  DON’T WANT 2

  WANT ME 2 COME OVER?

  THAT’S SWEET

  I MEAN IT

  NO, I’M GOOD HAVE FUN

  U SURE?

  YEP :)

  HUGS

  C U 2MORROW HOMECOMING QUEEN

  RIGHT! IN MY DREAMS

  TTYL

  A knock on the driver’s window scares hell and four dollars out of me.

  I don’t know which one of us jumps more, Gabriel or me.

  Rolling the window down, I snark at my friend. “You scared the shit out of me!”

  He smiles. “If your music weren’t so loud, you would’ve heard me.”

  “Thank you, Nan,” I say when he sounds like my mother. I peer into my rearview mirror and see Gabriel’s car parked in front of my house. Did he follow me here from the bonfire? Oh God, did he hear me screaming at Daniel?

  I get out of the car and shove my pompoms at him.

  “These don’t really match my outfit, Hay,” he says jokingly.

  Jerking open the back door, I reach for my crutches. “Look, I sort of hate all guys right now.”

  “I didn’t do anything to you.”

  “Doesn’t matter. Your species did.”

  A final tear escapes from my lashes. Gabriel’s not dumb. He reaches out with his thumb and slides it away. “I overheard the whole thing. You can talk to me, you know?”

  I push his hand away and downplay the incident. “Nothing to talk about. Just another day in the life of Hayley Matthews.”

  He stops me with his hands on both of my shoulders, forcing me to look him in the eyes.

  “Listen, Hayley. There’s nothing funny about judging someone because of something they have absolutely no control over.”

  I don’t blink and neither does he. His words are said so firmly and with such conviction.

  My brows crease. “Are you speaking from experience?”

  He lifts his shoulders up and down, giving me a typical boy shrug. I roll my eyes at him and say, “You know, when I’m in charge of this world, boys won’t be allowed to answer pointed questions with shrugs.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t ask pointed questions,” he says, and then smiles. “Do you need help getting everything into the house?”

  “Like me?” I ask as I place the crutches under my arms.

  “Like your bag and your cheerleader crap.”

  Adjusting my purse on my shoulder, I ease the crutches forward onto the rock path to the front door.

  “You don’t need those anymore, Hayley,” he says.

  I glance at the silver poms still in his grasp. “I’ll need them tomorrow night,” I say.

  “No, Hay. I mean the crutches. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are.”

  Boy, is that an understatement.

  Oh, he means physically . . .

  “You’ve been totally awesome to me. All of the workouts on the weights and exercises you’ve been giving me have really worked.”

  His smile beams out at me as we walk together toward my house. “Give yourself credit, Hayley. You could have bitched, moaned, and complained. But you didn’t.”

  “Thanks, Gabe. I mean, Gabriel.”

  “It’s okay. Old habit... right?”

  The moonlight—or maybe it’s just a streetlight—shimmers in his dark hair, or what there is of it. Gabriel’s really been there for me when others haven’t been. He hasn’t treated me with kid gloves or mollycoddled me. Rather, he’s treated me just the same: kidding with me, teasing me, and picking on me in a friendly way. There’s always been a kindness and connection between us since we were kids and watched out for each other. It’s nice to see some things don’t change.

  “I’m sorry Daniel turned out to be such a dick,” he says. “Can’t say I’m surprised, though. Jocks, you know.”

  This time, I shrug, breaking my own rule. “It is what it is,” I say, trying to convince myself with the words. “He couldn’t deal. Plain and simple.”

  “He’s an ass, then.”

  I giggle, because I have no tears left. Even if I did, I wouldn’t shed another one for number eleven. Not when a true friend is in my presence. “Hey, Gabriel, I’ve got an idea.”

  “What’s that?” he asks, looking down at me.

  “Do you want to go to homecoming together? You know, as friends... to hang out and have fun.”

  He thinks for a moment, and I pray he won’t shoot me down, too.

  Then he says, “I wasn’t really planning on going to the dance—”

  “That’s okay, I understand if you don’t—”

  “But why not? Sounds like a good time.”

  I straighten, and I’m sure there’s a look of surprise on my face. “Seriously?”

  Gabriel drags his hand across my head. “Sure thing, peach fuzz.”

  A welcomed bubble of laughter rips from my throat. “Awesome, see you then.”

  Gabriel opens the front door for me and waits until I’m in before closing it behind me. He stops right before it clicks and then jerks it back to him. “Hayley, don’t beat yourself up over that asshole. He’s not worth your tears.”

  The door closes between us, and I smile. He’s absolutely right. Daniel’s not worth my tears. I’m still having ice cream and kitty cuddle time, though.

  ***

  Friday morning, I file to the stadium with the rest of the school to watch the ann
ouncement of this year’s homecoming court. I don’t really have anyone to sit with because all of my cheerleading friends will be on the field with their escorts.

  “Hayley!” I hear someone call out. “Come sit with me.”

  It’s Shelly, whom I haven’t hung out with in forever.

  “Your hair is really starting to come in,” she says, and then stops herself. “I’m sorry.”

  I take a seat next to her on the bleacher. “Sorry for what? It is starting to come in.”

  “I hate what you’ve had to go through, Hayley. I mean, you worked your ass off practicing and stuff to make the varsity squad, and then... wow, like, cancer.”

  A weak smile crosses my lips. “Wow. Like, cancer, is right.”

  “Do you know how you got it?”

  “Not really,” I say. “I’ve got an appointment in Birmingham next week, so maybe I’ll find out more.”

  Shelly lays her hand on my arm. “You’ve handled it in a cool way. Everyone says so,” she tells me.

  “You don’t have to say that, Shell.”

  “I’m serious. Mom and Dad have commented to me about how freakin’ awesome it is that you’re down there cheering.”

  My cheeks warm, and I don’t know how to handle the compliment. Fortunately, Gabriel bounds down the steps at just that moment and plops down next to me. “Can I join y’all?”

  The ceremony starts, and, one by one, the homecoming nominees are escorted down the concrete steps and out onto the football field. Freshmen to the far left. Sophomores to the far right. Juniors to the immediate left. Seniors to the immediate right. Parents and family members crowd the stands as Bryan Cousin, the SGA president, acts as emcee, introducing all the candidates for the homecoming court.

  When everyone is in place and all the digital pictures snapped for the yearbook and posterity’s sake, Bryan makes the announcement.

  “This year’s freshman attendant is... Stephanie Keller.”

  I watch my fellow cheerleader, Madison, slump a bit when her classmate’s name is called, and then she claps heartily. I don’t really know Stephanie that well, other than knowing her big sister, Sarah, is the band’s drum major.

  “The sophomore attendant is... Samantha Fowler.”

  “Whoooohooo!” I shout out to my squad mate. I hear Samantha’s squeal from the football field as she steps forward to join Stephanie and her escort.

  “Junior attendant this year is... Ashleigh Bentley.”

  Gabriel, Shelly, and I clap hard. “Way to go, Ashleigh!” I cheer out.

  Gabriel leans over and whispers. “Are we going to have to endure Chloe as our queen?”

  Shelly answers before I can. “Oh, honey, she already is the queen—the queen bitch.”

  I snicker and then elbow both of them.

  Bryan’s voice echoes out, “Our senior attendant is... Chloe Bradenton.”

  Whoa!

  I don’t know who’s more surprised—Chloe or the entire freaking student body.

  Moving slowly, Chloe fakes a smile and steps up to join the other homecoming court members. For a moment, I feel sorry for her as her face totally falls flat despite her attempt to grin and bear it. Someone like Chloe dreams of being the homecoming queen... and why not? She’s the cheerleader captain and Ms. Popularity, though not as much as she thought, apparently. Right now, I’m sure she’s feeling pretty shitty on the inside.

  To her credit, though, Chloe shakes it off and beams out a perfect grin to the student body.

  Shelly puts her hands together in mock prayer. “There is a God!”

  “Be nice.” I elbow her again, not believing I’m taking up for Chloe.

  “So, who’s gonna be the queen?” Gabriel asks.

  “Shhh!” I cross my fingers on both hands and then cross my arms in front of me. There’s one person who’s most deserving.

  Bryan says, “And this year’s homecoming queen is... Lora Russell.”

  Everyone cheers, and I stand up to start the ovation. Lora bursts into tears. Chloe claps politely enough when Lora joins the other winners. Samantha and Ashleigh attack hug her; then Chloe joins in reluctantly.

  I seize my crutches and do my best to push past all the people crushing the homecoming court to congratulate them. I hug Samantha and Ashleigh and shout out congrats to Stephanie Keller.

  “Huge congrats, Chloe,” I say with a genuine smile.

  “Thanks,” she says, and then turns to accept a hug from her partner, Melanie. I do honestly believe this might be the first time in Chloe’s life she didn’t get what she wanted.

  At some point, we all have to learn that life isn’t fair.

  “Coming through... coming through . . .” I say, scooting through the crowd surrounding my partner. Lora sees me and wraps her arms around me. “I am soooooo damn proud of you!”

  “I can’t believe I beat Chloe,” Lora whispers to me. “You think they miscounted?”

  Shaking my head, I say, “Get over it! You are the homecoming queen.”

  “Oh my God, I am!”

  Lora’s mother and Uncle Ross press through the crowd. Her mom, Lorraine, has tears streaming down her cheeks. Ross hands her a small packet of tissues he must have brought for the occasion.

  “Oh, Mom! I’m shocked.”

  “I’m not, sweetie,” Miss Lorraine says as they hug.

  Ross stands next to me and leans on my shoulder. “Will we ever be able to talk to her again?” he teases.

  “I don’t know,” I say in agreement. “You know what they say rhinestones do to a girl.”

  Lora laughs and pokes at Ross and me. “Y’allllllll!”

  Ross steps forward, and his niece hugs him with all her might until he screeches in pain. “Damn, girl, that’s a tight grip you’ve got there.”

  Lora pulls back. “Did I really hug you that hard?”

  He twists his waist a bit and presses at his ribs. “Yeah, I’m wicked sore under my ribs.”

  His sister chimes in. “I’m sure it’s from one of your many adventures. Did you know Ross is headed down to Barbados to go zip lining?”

  He stops rubbing his side and shrugs. Ugh, another shrugging boy. This is a man, though, and he’s totally amazing. “You have no fear of anything, do you?” I ask.

  “What’s to fear?” he asks as if it’s the most ridiculous question he’s ever heard. Then again, the man climbs mountains, jumps out of airplanes, and goes zip lining. “Life’s an adventure to be lived to the fullest. You know that, Hayley.”

  I snicker. “I guess I’m learning that.” One day, when I’m grown up, I want to be just like Ross Scott.

  “Uncle Ross,” Lora interrupts, “after your ribs heal from my hug, will you escort me tonight during the halftime ceremony?”

  Miss Lorraine’s eyes fill with tears. Ross puts his hand to his chest and beams at my friend. “I would be completely honored, sweetie.”

  ***

  Later that afternoon, I’m dressed in the navy blue uniform with the silver and white trim on the skirt and the tank top. It’s time for the homecoming parade through Maxwell.

  The Shriners in their fezzes have their go-carts lined up at the front, and the fire truck is around the corner to bring up the rear. The Maxwell State University band joins the parade, as well as all of the little girls currently enrolled in Miss Kathy’s Dance Academy. The PHS Marching Patriots lead the parade with our majorettes decked out and the color guard sporting new silver flags. The parade also consists of the entrants into the grocery cart display, and Smith’s Tractor Company pulling a flatbed truck with hay on it that the football team rides on. There are three convertibles that hold the five homecoming attendants: Stephanie and Samantha together in one; Ashleigh and Chloe in another; and Lora in the last car wearing a red sash with the words “Homecoming Queen” spelled out on it in sparkly letters. She won’t get her crown until halftime of the game tonight.

  Tara steps up next to me. “She certainly didn’t waste any time swooping into your territory.”
<
br />   “Who?”

  “Who else? The runner-up.”

  I glance around and then see Chloe over by the flatbed where Daniel is sitting up front with his long legs dangling off. She’s laughing up his way and slanting her body toward him. He doesn’t seem to mind at all as he returns a smile at her.

  “She can have him,” I say to my friend. “I told him to ‘go away’ last night.”

  Tara seems impressed. “Well, Hannah said Daniel asked Chloe to homecoming.”

  “I thought she was dating that Delta Theta Psi at Maxwell State.”

  “I think he transferred to UT Chattanooga.”

  “Whatever. Really... I don’t care.” She’s got plenty of hair that Daniel can play with. In fact, rumor around school is she wears extensions, so she can probably give him a few he can take home and play with.

  Mean Hayley . . . mean. Not my usual style. I guess the bitter taste is still in my mouth from last night’s encounter.

  “You’re better off,” Tara says, and then hugs my shoulder.

  I guess Lora was right when she said Chloe was jealous I was with Daniel. She can totally have him. The bitch and the dick—a perfect match.

  I turn my attention back to the fun activity at hand. It’s homecoming. It’s a parade. It’s a celebration. And I intend to enjoy every minute of it. Sure, I’ve marched in this parade with the band the last three years, but this is different. People will actually see me. My parents won’t have to count over three rows, six people deep.

  Before climbing into the convertible that awaits her, Chloe steps away from her flirting to address the eight of us who will be leading the cheers tonight, since we’ve lost four girls to the homecoming court.