Jason cooked dinner on New Year’s Eve and we went to church with friends to bring in the New Year. Elaine was now living with her boyfriend, Tyrone, and they invited us to a midnight brunch after service. But, by the time church service ended, I asked Jason if we could just go back to my apartment. Josh was asleep and it was going to be crowded and noisy at Elaine’s. I called her and we took a rain check.
I made coffee while Jason put Josh in the bed. We settled on the couch listening to Grover Washington, Jr. Jason had told me about himself and I assumed it was my turn. It was uncomfortable, but I wanted him to know me. I shared with him about keeping to myself as a kid, growing up in the Allen household and my brothers. My memories of Nana brought tears to my eyes and I told him about the wisdom seeds. We both laughed when I told him about the Allen Thanksgiving catastrophe. Then I told him about Greg.
“I loved him,” I admitted feeling embarrassed. “I never felt that way about anyone before him. I believed he loved me, too. I thought we were going to get married.” Jason was staring at me and the shame I felt retelling the story made it difficult to look at him. “I found out I was pregnant after my internship ended. When I told him, thinking he would marry me, he told me he was already married and wanted me to have an abortion.” The tears wouldn’t stop and Jason wiped my face with his hand. “He left me to raise this baby alone. I was a fool.”
Jason pulled me into his arms. “We all make mistakes. We make mistakes and we move on.”
It felt good to hear him say that and I hoped he really meant it. I told him about Rhonda, Andrea and Alicia and how I treasured my relationships with them. In the middle of my sentence, Jason got up to change the tape. He put on Reasons by Earth, Wind and Fire and pulled me to my feet to dance with him. Then he kissed me. Again and again.
“Let’s play that again.” He smiled when the song was over. “You’re a good dancer.”
“You’re a good kisser,” I teased him, “and I don’t need a song.”
We sat snuggled on the couch, listening to music and watched the sun rise. That was the first sunrise we shared, January 1, 1983.
8
My new position as a Graduate Assistant in the Advising Center allowed me to spend more time with Josh. I was picking him up from the daycare at four-thirty instead of six, we were eating dinner by six-thirty and Josh was getting in bed by eight. That gave me the evening to study and to spend time with Jason. By the end of January we were studying together every day and spending weekends together. Sometimes Elaine or Denise would baby-sit so Jason and I could have a real date.
Time seemed to move quickly and in March Jason began interviewing. It seemed that he only talked about jobs in other cities and I was afraid he would relocate after graduation. My feelings for Jason were more intense than I was willing to admit to myself or anyone else. Indecisiveness was reigning over my life because I didn’t know if I should take summer classes or go home to Smithtown to visit for three weeks. I was willing to stay just to be with Jason if he was going to be in Columbus. School was secondary.
Jason had gone home for the weekend to help his sister, Maureen, move to Detroit. It was the first Saturday we hadn’t spent together – I really didn’t mind because I didn’t feel well and knew I wouldn’t be good company. Elaine took Josh to a birthday party and I went to the campus library to pick up some materials on school law.
“Danielle,” I heard my name called. “Hey Danielle,” she repeated while hugging me. “Are you here for the conference?”
“No,” I smiled trying to remember her name. “I’m a student.”
“Grad school?”
“Yeah, first year,” I added realizing who she was.
“So how’s life? I thought you’d stay in Smithtown forever.”
“Just out here trying to spread my wings and fly.”
“I hear you studied a little more than books in undergrad. I still keep in touch with Kathleen – she told me you had a baby,” she said all in one breath.
“His name is Joshua.”
“So what about his dad?”
“We’re not together – I’m in this by myself.” I tried not to sound pathetic.
“Well good for you, girl!” Her tone sounded almost patronizing. “I never thought I’d see the day when you would do something so radical. Is the good Reverend still speaking to you?”
“Of course,” I smiled. “My parents are doing just fine.”
“Well, I’m at the Holiday Inn, here’s my number.” She scribbled on the back of a business card. “Give me a call. We can have a drink or do dinner. I’m here until Monday.”
I read the card as she closed the door of the cab – Lisa Gayle, Editor, New York Times. It didn’t surprise me. She always had a way with words. Lisa was the smartest girl in the class, the entire class. She told everyone she would be Valedictorian when we were in the eighth grade and I’m sure she was. She always wanted to be philosophical about God and I had no answers to her many questions on things I never thought about. Was Jesus black or white? Who taught fish to swim and birds to fly? How did the writers of the Bible know God inspired them? Why did Satan get mad at God and turn against Him? Where exactly is Heaven?
Lisa was attending a writer’s conference at Ohio State. I hadn’t seen her since the tenth grade when her family moved to New York. I was shocked she even remembered my name.
My body ached and I was miserable by the time I got home later that afternoon. I was asleep when Elaine dropped Josh off at six – he was wide-awake and full of sugar. I curled up on the floor in the living room so Josh could play in front of the television. After he fell asleep I took more Nyquil and hoped I would hear him if he woke up.
By Monday morning I felt like I had been hit by a truck. After taking Josh to the daycare I went back home to get some sleep. I set my alarm for three o’clock and wrapped myself in a blanket. The knock on the door woke me at two-thirty.
“Didn’t mean to intrude,” Jason smiled as I opened the door. “I thought we were meeting for lunch?”
“I have the flu or something. I feel like crap.” He followed me into the living room and I plopped down on the couch.
“Why didn’t you call me, Dani? I didn’t call last night because it was late. Do you need anything?”
“Would you get Josh from daycare?”
“No problem.” He folded his jacket over the back of the couch. “I’ll take care of him for the evening so you can get some rest.”
“I can’t ask you to do that.”
“Then don’t ask, I volunteer.”
Jason made me a cup of hot tea with honey and lemon and sent me to bed. I don’t remember drinking the tea. It was nine o’clock when I woke up. Josh and Jason were asleep on the couch. There were toys everywhere.
“What are you doing?” He whispered as I was putting toys in Josh’s toy box.
“I just came to check on you and Josh,” I tried to smile. “I’ll put him in the bed.”
“No, he’s fine,” Jason said getting up from the couch. “He’s been bathed and fed. We were just spending a little time getting to know each other.”
“Jason, thank you so much.” I was mindful not to get too close to him. “Were you able to get any work done?”
“Here, sit down.” He motioned for me to sit on the couch. “Let me put him in the bed and I’ll make you another cup of tea.”
Jason held me and stroked my hair. At six-twenty the next morning he was still holding me. I got up to start the coffee maker. School Law was not a class to miss and I needed to put in a few hours in the Advising Center. I jumped in the shower and tried to wash off all the Vicks I had rubbed on myself. Thinking about sleeping in Jason’s arms made me smile. I was standing at the kitchen sink wrapped in my robe when Jason woke up.
“I know that was a horrible night’s sleep,” I said as he stretched, still in his jeans and sweatshirt from yesterday.
“It felt good to hold you.” He hugged me. “Do you feel better?”
&n
bsp; “Sleeping in your arms made me feel better.”
He kissed my cheek. “That doesn’t have to be the last time.”
I handed him a cup of coffee. “Half and half is in the fridge, sugar’s in the middle container.”
Jason left to get ready for the day and I woke Josh for breakfast. I didn’t completely feel better, but I felt good inside.
I came to appreciate being a Graduate Assistant even though it was financially limiting. Jason helped by bringing dinner over, cooking at his place or taking us out to eat. Although I never told him, Jason seemed to know I was struggling financially. He offered, several times, to assist me with paying for daycare, however, my pride and fear of needing him made me decline.
The weather was putting up a good fight to hold off spring. It was April, but had been snowing off and on all day. We decided against going out for pizza and opted to celebrate Josh’s birthday with his favorite – hotdogs.
We put on party hats while we sang happy birthday. Josh was more interested in opening the brightly wrapped gifts than eating cake. Mom sent two outfits and signed the card from her and my dad. Alicia and Andrea sent a Sesame Street comforter with matching curtains for his room. I used the JC Penney gift certificate from Rhonda to buy Josh several summer outfits. Elaine gave him two books, A Snowy Day and Teddy Bear What Will You Wear? and Denise gave him a container of Lego blocks. Jason bought him a Tonka truck and an Ohio State sweatshirt.
It was almost nine o’clock before Josh went to bed. Jason gave him a bath while I cleaned up and did the dishes.
I was waiting for the teapot to boil and watching a car struggle to get down the street when Jason came out of Josh’s room.
“Snow is pretty, but I’m afraid to drive in it.”
“What else are you afraid of?” He turned off the television and sat on the kitchen stool.
“Jason, I’m afraid of us.” I was mindful to keep my voice down because Josh wasn’t asleep yet.
“What exactly are you afraid of?” He sounded genuinely concerned.
I turned off the teakettle and intentionally sat on the couch instead of sitting on the stool next to him. “Us. This. Sometimes I feel like we’re playing family. Josh is getting so attached to you. I heard him call you daddy. I have to think about him.”
“Is this about Josh or is it about you?” He sat next to me on the couch and took my hand.
I didn’t answer.
“I’m not playing Dani. I think about you and Josh all the time. I’d like to move forward.”
“What do you mean when you say move forward?”
“I think we’re good together. I’d like for this to be serious. Where do you see us going?” He had a way of putting it back on me and I hated it.
“I want to make sure I don’t get hurt again.”
“Life gives no guarantees.” He turned my face toward him. “I don’t ever plan to hurt you or Josh.”
I smiled and he kissed me. When he tried to pull back, I kissed him because I didn’t know how else to respond.
“My sister is getting married in two weeks,” he said playing with my fingers, “and I’d like you and Josh to come home with me.”
My throat went dry. I was nervous, no I was petrified. He had already been married and I already had a baby. What would his parents think of me? The more I thought about meeting his family, the more my stomach knotted.
“Jason, I’m afraid,” I repeated getting up from the couch not wanting to look at him. I turned the teakettle back on.
His tone changed. “What do you mean afraid?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said, still afraid to look at him. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?” His voice was agitated. “That’s lame and it’s not enough. What’s going on, Dani?”
Numb, and angry with myself, I had no words. I was staring out the kitchen window and Jason was standing behind me.
“Why are you stringing me on? It’s been three months and you still change the subject when I want to talk about us. I’ve given you time. Are you still in love with Greg?”
“No,” I whimpered, “it’s not that at all.”
“Well, what is it? I keep trying! I’m doing everything I can. You seem happy. You don’t seem to mind perpetrating as a happy family. Is it only an act?”
I wanted to answer, but I didn’t know what to say.
“I’ve told my family I want them to meet the woman of my dreams. I thought that was you. Is it?”
“Jason it’s complicated,” I said finally looking at him.
“What’s more complicated than me loving you and you keeping me at a distance? You think you’re the only one who’s been hurt? My heart’s been broken before Dani – it wasn’t you who was unfaithful to me. You happen to be the one I want to start over with. You and Joshua. I can’t force you Dani, what’s it going to be? No more games.”
I had never seen him angry before.
“Or, is it that you’re still in love with Greg? Are you waiting for him to come back riding on a white horse to sweep you off your feet and carry you off to his castle? Will you be waiting if he does?”
His eyebrows met and his words were cutting. I should have refuted his allegations. I stood motionless, fighting back tears and wishing he would stop staring at me waiting for a response. No words would come. My mind raced and searched for something to say. He was right. He loved me and I was pushing him away. The room became hot and the air seemed to thin out.
“I’ll tell you what,” he finally said walking away from me, “let me know when you stop waiting.”
He got his coat and went into Josh’s room. He kissed him and told him goodbye. He never said good-bye to him – it was always goodnight or I’ll see you later. He came out of the room and walked out the door. I wanted to run after him and beg him not to leave. Unable to speak or move, I listened as he walked down each step outside my door. The teapot was whistling and I didn’t realize I was crying until Joshua hugged me around my legs. “Don’t cry Mommy,” he said smiling at me. “Don’t cry.”
I put Josh back to bed and called Denise. She volunteered to come over before I asked.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Denise was on a roll as I opened the door. “You get a man, a good one at that, and you just let him walk away. You’re crazy, you need help!”
“This is not why I called you,” I interrupted her.
“I know why you called,” she continued. “You called because you just can’t believe how stupid that was. Girl he loves you, he loves your son, his nails are clean, his shoes are polished, he’s never been in a gang or in jail, he doesn’t have diamond studs in his front teeth, he can spell your name and you don’t have to correct his love letters!”
“Okay, okay I’m stupid!” The tears came and I slumped to the floor. “What’s wrong with me?”
“You’ve seen Cinderella one time too many and you still feel guilty.” Denise’s voice was calmer as she sat down next to me. “Dani, Greg is not coming back for you and he doesn’t care about Josh. He’s probably drowning himself in a bottle somewhere hoping you never show up with this baby.”
I buried my face in my hands and tried to keep from hyperventilating. Her words were like salt in an open wound.
Denise put her arm around me. “Girl, you gotta move on. I know you love Jason. Stop fighting it. Tell me you don’t love him.” She was smiling.
“He makes me laugh. He’s comfortable. Josh really likes him.”
“Do you love him?” Denise was persistent. “I think you love him.”
“I think I do too,” I confessed. “But I think I blew it.”
“So what are you going to do?” Denise took the dishtowel out of my hand and stood to finish drying the dishes.
“I don’t know. Any suggestions?”
She smiled. “You could start by calling him and admitting it was temporary insanity.”
“Do you think he’d come to dinner? I could make smothered pork chops, his favorit
e.”
“Girl, if you act right, it won’t matter what you make for dinner!”
After Denise left it took me almost an hour to find the box of stationary Mom gave me for Christmas. I typed a formal dinner invitation so I could mail it the following morning.
You are cordially invited
to be the honored guest of Danielle Allen
who requests the opportunity to apologize
and have dinner.
Your favorite meal is being served
Saturday evening at 6:30.
Denise had plans for Saturday evening so Elaine and Tyrone agreed to baby-sit. I dropped Josh off at three o’clock and went home to start cooking. By five o’clock I convinced myself Jason wouldn’t come. He avoided me on campus and hadn’t called all week.
The doorbell rang at five minutes after six. I closed my eyes, paused and took a deep breath before opening the door.
“I’m so sorry,” I announced. “I’ve been foolish, well actually stupid. I’m very sorry.”
He wouldn’t look at me. “Can I come in or do I have to stand out here?”
“Of course you can. You’re the guest of honor.”
“Where’s Josh?” He walked past me looking for the usual sign of toys.
“Elaine and Tyrone are babysitting.”
He put his coat over the back of the couch.
I picked it up and hung it in the closet. “I need to talk to you.”
“I’ve missed Josh. I was looking forward to seeing him.” He was ignoring me.
I went into the kitchen. “He’s missed you, too. And so have I.”
“Have you really?” He joined me in the kitchen.
“I turned off the green beans and looked him in the eyes. “Yes, I really have.”
“How much?” He finally smiled.
I kissed him lightly on his lips.
Jason pulled me toward him and kissed me. He held me tight and close, like our bodies would mesh. “I really, really do love you. This has been the longest and worst week of my life.”
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