Wisdom Seeds

by Patrice Johnson

  “You look good.” I smiled as he admired himself in the mirror. Josh was now six foot two and filling out. The tux looked like it had been made for him.

  “I don’t like the shoes,” he replied looking down.

  “You look wonderful and handsome. Let’s go so you’re not late. It’s already five-thirty.”

  “Uncle Harvey isn’t picking us up until six-fifteen,” he said looking at his watch.

  “We need picture time,” I smiled.

  After a quick lesson in placing a corsage on Sydney’s wrist, we left for Sheila’s.

  Sydney descended the stairs into the living room like a princess. She wore a royal blue satin gown trimmed in sequins with silver accessories. She and Josh blushed as they tried to inconspicuously stare at each other.

  “You know you like him,” Shae blurted out, as only a little sister could, in the middle of picture taking.

  “Mom,” Sydney sighed, “get your daughter.”

  “Mom, she really does like Josh,” Shae stated in her defense. “She’s just afraid to tell him.”

  Josh pretended not to hear Shae’s comments. “My uncle’s here,” he said trying to rescue the moment.

  “Let’s go!” Sydney grabbed her coat and walked toward the door.

  “One more picture,” I said motioning them to pose.

  “Mom,” Josh smiled with clenched teeth. “Just one more.”

  I stood in the door and watched the car drive down the street.

  “Want some coffee?” Sheila asked.

  “Yeah, that sounds good.”

  “It sounds real good,” Shae added.

  “Does that mean you’d like hot chocolate?” Sheila asked her.

  Shae nodded, peeking into the kitchen.

  “And how come you didn’t go to the Snowball?” I asked the giggling thirteen-year-old.

  She responded with a straight face. “Mom wouldn’t let me.”

  “Oh, and why not?”

  “She said I was too young.”

  “Well maybe next year.”

  “This is Sydney’s second one. Last year she went with TJ.”

  “Shae,” Sheila interrupted her. “TMI.”

  Shae immediately stopped talking and excused herself to her room.

  “TMI?” I whispered to Sheila.

  “Too much information,” she whispered trying not to laugh. “That’s our cue when she’s talking too much.”

  Sheila poured coffee and we talked until midnight.

  Sheila began attending the Women’s Ministry meetings with me in February. The plain language Bible Alicia gave me for Christmas was helpful as we studied the Word of God together. I was working on not being angry with God and was able to sincerely thank Him for giving me Jason and allowing me to experience joy, love, happiness and peace. I was working at trusting Him, and believing He could get me through this thing called life. I was also working on eradicating the weeds that were choking the wisdom seeds.

  The Women’s Ministry challenge was to pray every day for thirty minutes. I often thought of Jason during my prayer time and found it difficult to concentrate for the entire half-hour. I wondered if Jason was happy with my decision to sell the house and move to Pittsburgh. I wondered if he thought I was in search of Greg or if he knew that I was trying to start over. I hoped he had met Nana and they were both watching me. No one would ever replace Jason and I prayed he would always know that.

  Time stood still on the morning of March seventh. Only a year had passed since my life stood in limbo as I watched Jason’s life slip away. In retrospect, I realized that God had been gracious to Jason. He only suffered painfully for about three weeks and his last three days were the worst. His pain was more in knowing his life would be cut short and he wouldn’t get to do everything he had planned.

  The smell of frying bacon greeted me and, at first, I thought I was dreaming. Josh hugged me when I came into the kitchen.

  “Morning Mom.”

  “Good morning,” I said hugging him. “To what do I owe this surprise?”

  Josh didn’t respond.

  I poured my coffee and exhaled. “I still miss him.” The words brought tears to my eyes and I closed them to keep from crying.

  “Me, too.” Josh removed the bacon from the pan. He turned to face me. “We don’t talk about my dad anymore.”

  I had no words. He was right. In trying to help Josh get on with his life I stopped talking about Jason. We hadn’t talked about him since Christmas.

  “I’m sorry.” I turned his face toward me. “We should always talk about him. I think about him all the time. I just want you to be able to move on and not live in the past.”

  “So you were listening when we went to see that counselor?” He smiled and poured two glasses of orange juice. “I’m moving on, but I don’t ever want to forget.”

  “I could never forget Jason.” I let my tears flow freely as my mind reminisced. “He was the love of my life and he will always have a piece of my heart.”

  While Josh fixed our plates I put Stevie Wonder’s Greatest Hits in the cassette player. Jason loved Stevie Wonder and had given Josh the tapes on his last Christmas. We ate Jason’s favorite breakfast while Stevie serenaded us.

  Sheila and I joined the Singles Ministry when it started the second Saturday in March. We were initially reluctant because we didn’t want to participate in a dating service. However, the focus of the Singles Ministry was fellowship, not matchmaking. Although I was the only widow, there were others who had been deserted and betrayed, others who were hurting. We were a group of adults getting together for fun and fellowship and studying God’s Word on being single and living Holy.

  The Singles Ministry was co-facilitated by Jennifer. Her character exemplified her faith and she believed everything in her life was a blessing from God. She reminded me of Andrea.

  Jennifer shared her testimony at our first meeting. Two weeks before her wedding, her fiancé decided he didn’t want to get married. Six months later he eloped with her cousin. “He wasn’t for me and I couldn’t see it.” She spoke confidently. “God knows my whole life and even though I stopped listening to Him, He made sure I didn’t make the mistake. Did it hurt? Yes. Was I angry? Yes. Did I hate them? Yes. I wanted to hate them forever, but God wouldn’t let me. He reminded me of my past and of His forgiveness. He reminded me of His grace and mercy toward me. It is by His grace that I have been able to forgive them. Now, don’t misunderstand me, God didn’t say be a doormat or let others abuse you, so my relationship with them is not close. But, I no longer wish them harm or ill will. I don’t let hate consume me, instead I focus on the blessings God has yet revealed for my life.”

  Forgiveness. That was the hardest for me. It was easy to believe in a loving God who sent His only Son as the perfect sacrifice for my sins so I could be a joint heir and have eternal life. It was easy to believe I could go to Heaven, sit at the feet of Jesus, walk the streets of gold, and see Jason and Nana. It was even easy to believe I could live forever in glory with no fears and no heartaches. But forgiveness was easier to receive than give. I was thankful for God’s forgiveness, yet having much difficulty forgiving others. To be honest, I was still angry with my dad for loving the church more than he loved us. I was angry that Jason and Nana left me when I needed them and some place down in me, I hated Greg.

  After the meeting I looked up three scriptures on forgiveness. I wrote them on index cards and put them in my purse.

  And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor,

  and though I give my body to be burned, but have not

  love, it profits me nothing. I Corinthians 13:3

  If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive

  us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

  I John 1:9

  Then the master, after he had called him, said to him,

  ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt

  because you begged me. Should you not also have had
>
  compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had

  pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered

  him to the torturers until he should pay all that was

  due to him. So my heavenly Father also will do to

  you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive

  his brother his trespasses. Matthew 18:32-35

  These scriptures would help me as I embarked on my journey to forgive others. I had yet to learn that my ability to forgive others would help me forgive myself, too.

  Josh and I joined Sheila and Shae for the opening night performance of The Wiz. Sydney was playing Glenda, the good witch.

  “She is awesome,” I said to Sheila after the curtain calls. “Her dad is really missing out if he doesn’t come see this.”

  “He always promises to come,” Sheila started to say before being interrupted by Shae.

  “Then he makes an excuse and just sends flowers.”

  “Shae!” Sheila was irritated.

  “He never sent me any flowers,” Shae whined.

  I walked away so they could talk privately.

  When Sheila called the following Monday evening her voice confirmed that something was wrong. I volunteered to cook dinner and invited her over. She said she’d be by after dropping Sydney off at the school.

  “What’s going on?” I asked as I opened door.

  She didn’t answer, but looked at Shae. I took my cue to save the questions for later and invited them in. Shae asked if she could go to Josh’s room to play his video game and I said yes.

  “Just the game,” Sheila added. “Don’t get into Josh’s things!”

  I waited for Shae to disappear up the steps. “Girl, what’s going on?”

  “Shae was suspended from school.”

  “What happened?” I asked, turning the chicken in the frying pan.

  “The principal said she got into an argument with a girl named Yvette before school started this morning. When they went to lunch the argument resumed and ended up in a fight.”

  I took the last of the chicken out of the frying pan and sat next to her at the table. “What were they fighting about?”

  “Shae’s story is that the girl was telling kids on the school bus that she was gay because she’s a good basketball player. When the girl kept repeating it, Shae slapped her.”

  “Have you ever seen her angry and lashing out before?”

  Sheila was silent for a moment and then admitted, “It’s jealousy.”

  “Jealousy?” Her response shocked me.

  “It’s been brewing for a while. She doesn’t feel like Sylvester loves her and she doesn’t know how to deal with Syd getting flowers all the time.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Sheila was fighting back tears and spoke slowly. “Every time Sylvester sends Sydney flowers or calls and talks longer to Syd than he does to her, it’s a problem. Shae is so angry about his refusal to be involved with her like he is with Sydney and the acting out has progressed to this. Shae’s been called gay before and usually responds by telling the person that everyone should be happy. She was angry because Sylvester called this morning and told Syd he was sending flowers. Sylvester’s never seen Shae dance or play basketball. And, he’s never sent her flowers.”

  “Have you guys talked to anyone about it?”

  She covered her face with her hands and tried to cry quietly. “No, I’ve never told anyone. It’s embarrassing. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

  I gave her a napkin to wipe her face and hugged her. “Girl, it’s not your fault. Do you want me to talk to Shae?”

  “I’m not sure. I don’t know how she’ll respond.”

  “I can get her one day this week and we’ll talk.”

  My heart ached for Sheila. As a neophyte at helping adults cope with pain, I wasn’t sure of what to say.

  Sheila told me about the pain she’d silently carried for years. Her marriage to Sylvester was complicated from the start, but she stuck with it until she caught him having an affair. They separated for a year and, as Sheila put it, reconciled to make Shae. When she told him she was pregnant, he said he hadn’t been back that long and wasn’t sure the baby was his. Sheila packed up Sydney and left the next day for her parent’s house.

  “Sylvester’s involvement with the girls has never been more than minimal but it was always more with Sydney than with Shae.” She wiped her eyes with the napkin.

  “Do you really think he doubts Shae is his?”

  “I don’t know what he thinks. I know it’s easier to be distant and send flowers with a note than to have a relationship with your children. Syd relishes even the slightest attention from him; anything he does becomes enough even though she wishes for more. Shae is more demanding and would require him to communicate with her and he doesn’t want to do that.”

  We talked until eight-thirty and never ate dinner. I wrapped some chicken in foil for Sheila to take with her and gave her a warm wash cloth to wipe her face. Her red, puffy eyes were evidence she had been crying – Shae never mentioned it.

  “Call me when you get settled. See you later Shae.” I waved as they were leaving.

  Josh came around the corner as they were getting in the car.

  “Bye, Ms. Dani.” Shae waved and smiled. “Bye Loser,” she yelled at Josh.

  “Brat,” he yelled at her. “See ya Ms. Sheila.”

  Josh kissed me on the cheek as he came in the door. “Umm, chicken. Fried chicken.” He walked past me to the kitchen.

  “Wash your hands!”

  “I’m just looking.”

  The phone rang and Josh made a mad dash for it. Answering it was out of my domain once he came home. He broke his neck to get it before the first ring stopped. I assumed it was Sydney.

  I was drowning my chicken wing in hot sauce when Josh came into the dining room. “Is Ms. Sheila okay?” He was so direct, just like Jason.

  “She’ll be fine. The potato salad is in the green bowl.” I changed the subject, hoping he wouldn’t ask any more questions.

  He took his plate, a Mountain Dew and his trigonometry textbook to his favorite spot on the couch in front of the television. At one-thirty I woke him to get in the bed.

  Sheila called me at work to let me know she and the girls talked until almost three o’clock and were at home. She said everyone felt better and thanked me for being a listening ear.

  “That’s what friends are for.” It felt good to finally be able to say that since it had been said to me so many times before.

  “I appreciate you,” she said. “And I want you to know that.”

  “Two are better than one,” I told her. “That’s an African proverb.”

  We made plans to go to the grand opening of Jennifer’s hair salon the following Saturday and then to see Sydney’s final performance. Sheila said Shae planned to give roses to Sydney after the show. I thought that was a good sign.

  11

  Spring break came before the weather got warm and I planned to spend the week doing nothing. My job was in the process of expanding and we would be adding the ninth grade and an additional one hundred and fifty students in the fall. I was bringing work home at least three days a week and promised myself I wouldn’t look at any of it during the break.

  My parents had plans and declined my invitation to visit. Andrea was going to Raleigh to visit Alicia, and Sheila was spending a few days with her parents. Josh was going on the Black College Tour over the Easter break. I would be alone for the first time since Jason died.

  We joined Sheila’s family for an early Easter dinner on Saturday. Her brother, Raymond, Jr., and his family were also visiting for the weekend. Sheila’s nephew and Josh spent the afternoon talking about basketball. Later that evening Josh went to the movies with John and Danny. After dropping him off, I went to a gospel concert at Rodman Street Baptist Church – their choir was directed by one of the teachers at Turner School.

  I waited until the bus drove off f
or the college tour and didn’t get home until after one in the morning. When my alarm clock rang at six-fifteen Monday morning I jumped up thinking I had to go to work. After pressing the snooze button for the third time, I realized school was closed. My body needed at least another three hours of sleep. I made a mental note to call Andrea to make sure they arrived back safely and I also wanted to make sure the Women’s Ministry was still meeting on Saturday.

  Sheila invited me to spend Monday at her house – I declined so Shae could have her mom to herself. My plans for the week included finding a house and I was scheduled to see the first three on Monday afternoon. I concluded the day watching Beaches and eating Chinese food. Beaches was my favorite movie.

  Sheila and Shae joined me for dinner on Tuesday and we went to the mall after we ate. On Wednesday we went to Bible Study and on Thursday Sheila came with me to look at the other three houses. The second house was still my favorite and I convinced Mrs. Crosby, the real estate agent, to take us there so Sheila could see it. The house was on Sonny Street – a quiet one block, tree lined street with brick houses. It was completely residential and most of the original homeowners still occupied the homes.

  The three-bedroom ranch had a finished basement and an integral garage. It was big enough for me and Josh, and small enough that it wouldn’t be too big when Josh left for college. The owner, Mrs. Adams, was recently widowed and was going to live with her daughter in Tulsa. She was trying to have the house sold by July. I was ready to make an offer on the house until Sheila suggested I look at a few more. Reluctantly, I agreed.

  On Friday, I thought about the house on Sonny Street all day.

  All the kids were sleepy when they got off the bus Saturday morning. Josh moaned of having a good time, even though the trip was very structured. Between doing his schoolwork, the evening Bible Study, and visiting the schools, there really wasn’t much down time. I took Josh home before heading to the church for the Women’s Ministry meeting.

  “He went straight to bed, didn’t he?” Sheila asked as we met at the door. “So did Syd.”

  “What school did she talk about?”

  “Tennessee.”