My thoughts drifted throughout the day. Mom was going to need me, or at least I wanted her to. Having her live with me was almost like paying her back for helping me with Josh. In a few months Josh would be leaving for school and I wasn’t sure how would I cope with his absence. And then there was Isaac – I was really starting to like him and questioned whether it was too soon to be falling in love again.
Sheila pulled up in front of the house as I was turning into my driveway. I could hear Whitney Houston singing You Give Good Love even though her windows were up.
“I thought you had to get Shae?” I asked as she was getting out of her car.
“Doug said he would get her.” Sheila continued to sing as she walked down the driveway and in the door.
I took her coat. “That sounds like a song from the heart!”
Sheila stopped singing. “Girl, it’s been years. It better be.” We laughed and headed for the living room.
“So you had a nice time in Cleveland?” I kicked my shoes off and we settled on the couch.
“I didn’t get to see much of Cleveland, but the Bryant family really liked me!”
Sheila told me about meeting the rest of Doug’s family. His mother was disappointed they hadn’t joined them for Thanksgiving so the family reconvened for dinner on Saturday. Sheila met both sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, his two brothers and his sister.
“So, what’s the deal with Isaac?” She asked, changing the subject from her to me.
I admitted really liking him and not being ready to deal with those feelings. I told her about Josh’s reaction to seeing Isaac hold me, which let me know he wasn’t ready for me to be in another relationship either. Before Sheila could respond I changed the subject. I told her about my mom not wanting to move to Pittsburgh and the guilt I felt about not knowing how to help her get through her grief.
We talked about Josh and Sydney going to college, the prom, Sydney’s spring musical and Shae’s basketball season.
“Syd’s trying out for the witch in Into The Woods,” Sheila said over coffee.
“Into what?”
“Into The Woods. It combines a bunch of fairy tales into one story.”
“Why does she want to be the witch?”
“It’s a singing part.” Sheila smiled, stirring her coffee.
As usual, we bragged about our children. Josh was starting on the basketball team and doing well in school. Shae was selected to play with the High School All Stars, which was an honor for a freshman. She was also thinking about trying out for the spring musical at her school.
“You know we’re really blessed,” Sheila said taking a cookie from my plate. “We have good kids.”
Sheila hosted Christmas dinner at her house to introduce her parents to Doug’s parents. Andrea spent Christmas with Harvey’s family and Alicia stayed in Raleigh. Isaac joined Josh and me for dinner. He was going to be in Atlanta on business during the first week of January and Josh and I were bringing in the New Year in LA.
Just as he had done the year before, Josh left my present by the coffee maker on Christmas morning. It was a beautiful heart pendant on a gold chain. As he matured he was becoming sentimental, like Jason.
“Merry Christmas, Mom,” I said holding the phone on my shoulder as I started the coffee maker.
“Merry Christmas, darling!” I could hear Mahalia Jackson singing Silent Night in the background.
“Are you going to church this morning?”
“Well, of course I am. Joey is playing and Stephanie is singing. You’re really going to miss it,” she said in one breath. Mom sounded happy and that made me smile.
“I’m sure it’s going to be nice. Send me a tape.”
“I’ll have Deacon Wendell get that off to you after the holiday. Where’s my Joshua?” She asked changing the subject.
“He’s still sleeping.”
“Kiss him for me and wish him Merry Christmas.”
“Did you get our packages?” I asked hoping the gifts had arrived.
“Yes and I put them under the tree. I won’t let Joey open anything until after church today.” Mom had not changed. No gifts were ever opened until after church.
The Singleton’s were next on my call list, then Alicia, Rhonda, Denise, Elaine and Maureen. Adrienne would be my first call after church. It was only five o’clock in the morning in Los Angeles.
“Merry Christmas best mother in the whole wide world,” Josh said kissing me on the forehead as I hung up the phone with Maureen. “Thanks so much.”
“You’re supposed to say you didn’t have to so I can take it back.”
“No way,” he said holding the Shaquille O’Neal jersey up in front of himself.
“You deserve it,” I said hugging him. “I love you, Josh.”
“I love you too, Mom. Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas to you from me, your grandparents, your godmother, your aunts, uncles, cousins, distant relatives, neighbors, friends from daycare . . .”
“Mom,” he cut me off. “You’re getting a little carried away. Can I get you some more coffee?”
“Boy, go get dressed.”
“Can I still take the car?” He paused midway up the steps.
“And how will I get to church?”
“Mr. Isaac said he was coming to get you.”
“Oh really?”
Josh smiled and continued up the steps singing Oh Christmas Tree.
13
Josh and I arrived at LAX on December twenty-seventh at noon. My body was tired because we were up at five o’clock to have breakfast with Isaac before we left. He would be gone until January seventh.
Jason and I celebrated our second anniversary in California and I promised myself on the plane that I wouldn't cry when we visited Disney Land. Jason wanted to bring Josh when he was old enough to appreciate it. We had planned to visit for Josh’s sixteenth birthday.
“Yoo hoo.” I heard Maureen’s infamous call and noticed them at the end of the ramp as we exited the plane.
“Hey girl,” I said hugging Maureen as Adrienne hugged Josh. “We made it, we’re really here!”
Adrienne hugged me. “How was the flight?”
“She slept the whole way,” Josh volunteered.
“Where’s your crew?” I asked Maureen, looking around for Ellis and the kids.
“Scott took them back to the house and we hung around here waiting for you guys.”
The kids greeted us at the door and Chase couldn’t wait to show Josh his new Game Boy. Scott prepared a wonderful brunch, but we decided to open presents before eating. Mom Singleton called to make sure we arrived safely, which reminded me to call my mom and Sheila.
Our first two days were spent at Disney Land and we spent the third day sightseeing. On the other days Josh hung out with Scott and Ellis playing basketball and watching karate movies. We spent most of our leisure time in the kitchen talking.
We brought in the New Year at the New Jerusalem Baptist Church. After service, we fried fish on the grill and sat on the deck to watch the sun rise.
On our last evening at Adrienne’s we watched Sisters In The Name of Love with Gladys Knight, Patti LaBelle and Dionne Warwick. I was Gladys, Maureen was Patti and Adrienne was Dionne as we sang along with them. I Know I’ll Never Love This Way Again could have been written by me about Jason.
Six days was not nearly enough time. We reaffirmed our promise to keep in touch and I invited everyone to Josh’s graduation. As we had done before, we all cried at the airport. As the plane took off, I thanked Jason for leaving me with a wonderful family.
Andrea met us at the airport along with snow. The storm was just beginning and I hoped it would develop into a snow day.
“I’m not going to ask if you had a nice time because I know you did,” Andrea said as we inched along the parkway. “Did your in-laws go, too?”
“No.”
“I had a good time,” Josh interrupted. “I could live without snow. Ma
ybe I’ll move to California.” He looked at me anticipating a response. “Maybe I’ll go to UCLA or USC.”
“That would be nice.” I turned to look at him. “Maybe you should see if there’s still time to apply.”
“You know you don’t want me to go that far.” He nudged my shoulder.
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t miss you.” I winked at Andrea.
“That’s a long way,” Andrea told him. “You would only be able to come home once a year.”
Josh was silent for a moment. Determined to have the last word he stated, “I could handle that.”
Andrea filled me in on the details of her Christmas with Harvey’s family. They were home for the New Year and Corey had gone to the Seven Springs Ski Resort with his basketball team for the weekend.
Snow had accumulated in my driveway and along the front walk. Josh made tracks by dragging his feet and his suitcase. He and Jason used to play in the snow.
Josh retreated to his room with the chemistry book that never left his suitcase in LA. I settled on the couch in my robe with the telephone. There were two messages on the machine, Isaac and Sheila. I called Sheila first.
“Hey girl,” I said happy to hear her voice. “What’s doing?”
“Hey Dani, I’m glad you’re back!”
“It’s good to be home, but I could have stayed a few extra months until after winter.”
“Well you must have brought the snow because the weather was in the forties until today.” Sheila had that maternal, matter-of-fact tone.
We talked for over an hour catching up on the past week. In spite of Sheila’s reservations, both sets of parents seemed to get along and her mom exchanged numbers with Doug’s mother.
“So when’s the wedding?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Sheila sighed. “We did talk about it last night. I don’t want to rush into anything and I think we should wait until after I meet his kids. It’s important that everyone get along.”
“More important than you and Doug being happy?”
“Never thought about it that way, but kids can ruin a good thing.”
“Only if you let them,” I cut her off. “And it’s not like you guys have babies. Your kids are 14 and 18 and his kids are 19, 21 and 23.”
“I just want this to be right, for everyone. I never thought about being in another relationship since. . .”
“Girl, don’t go there,” I cut her off, again. “Just because old slick dog Sly left you, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy. I’ll bet he’s happy, doing his thing – why should you suffer?”
“Yeah, I know. I just can’t take another heart ache.” Sheila almost whispered. “I know I can’t take that.”
I understood what she meant. My own heartaches had me so frightened that the next one would wipe me out. It left me doubting if it was worth entering into another relationship – the possibility of it ending in failure, or by death, made me question if I wanted to take the chance on love again. My own inhibitions made me a hypocrite in my attempt to encourage her. Sheila had taken the risk to fall in love with Doug, a risk I was dodging – especially with Isaac.
He was the next person I called. He didn’t answer the hotel phone so I left him a message. It was a little after three in the morning when the buzz of the television woke me. My body rebelled at the thought of going upstairs and I gave in to sleeping on the couch.
The principal, Dr. Fleming, circled the article about the governor’s position on charter schools and left it on my desk. Andrea called while I was reading it and suggested we attend the conference on writing proposals for charter schools. Isaac called hoping to catch me before I got busy and the secretary, Ms. White, slipped me a note about meeting with Dr. Fleming at ten o’clock. I had only been in the building for twenty minutes. Just as I predicted, the start of my day indicated how the rest of the day was going to go. By four-thirty I was glad to be going home. I was mentally exhausted.
The Snow Ball was two weeks away and Josh was excited about driving my new Jeep. The weather hadn’t been too bad and I hoped it wouldn’t snow again, at least not until after the dance. Josh continued to mature into a gentleman and had taken care of ordering his tux and a corsage for Sydney without any prompting from me. I was grateful because I had forgotten about it.
“He’s really graduating,” I said out loud as I stirred the spaghetti sauce. It didn’t seem like it had been that long. I still remembered dreading having to tell my mother I was pregnant.
The ringing phone interrupted my thoughts. It was Isaac. His flight would be in at six-forty Friday evening. In spite of the rush hour traffic, I agreed to pick him up. On Saturday, his parents were having a Dr. King celebration at their church and he wanted us to go with him to meet them. His dad was one of the speakers.
“So what does Saturday look like?”
“Good,” I said slowly. “I’m not sure if Josh is free.”
“If I have to settle for just one, I’m okay with it being you.” He knew what to say to make me smile.
“So what have you told your parents about me?”
“Just that you are their future daughter-in-law.”
“What did you say?”
“I’m kidding, just kidding,” he tried to reassure me. “I told them you were a good friend.”
Isaac’s parents were pleasant. They didn’t make me feel on the spot or like I was being inspected. I liked them. The King Memorial program was also nice and I wished Josh had come. Isaac’s dad marched with Dr. King in Washington and was able to tell firsthand about the events of that day. It was a moving historical account of a time when African Americans were bound together by the hopes and dreams of a brighter future. It made me more aware of making sure Josh was knowledgeable about the impact of our history on America.
“I imagine I’ll be seeing you again.” Mrs. Turner smiled as she hugged me.
“Thank you so much for dinner.” I hugged her back, ignoring her comment. “Very nice meeting you,” I said hugging Mr. Turner.
Isaac and I rode in silence for about ten minutes.
“That wasn’t so bad,” he finally said.
“No.” I smiled at him. “It actually wasn’t and I had a nice time.”
“I’m glad.” He took my hand. “I wanted you to have a nice time.”
“And to meet your parents,” I stated sarcastically.
“I knew they’d like you.”
Isaac proceeded to tell me about Tina, the girlfriend he lived with for eight years. They moved in with each other after graduating from the University of Dayton and rationalized they could save money by sharing expenses. After about a year they talked about getting married, but never made definitive plans. Three years into the arrangement, Tina had an abortion because she didn’t want to have a baby before getting married. Four years later, she was pregnant again and they planned a Christmas wedding after the baby was born. Isaiah was born June 24, 1988 at 5:03 a.m. He lived for seven weeks and died of SIDS. Six months later Isaac came home to a note from Tina stating that she needed a change. Isaac regretted never marrying her. He said he really loved her and believed they could have worked through the pain of losing the baby.
Isaac moved back to New Kensington before he met Harvey at a job fair. After scheduling an interview, Harvey invited him to the Men’s Bible Study at The Sanctuary. Ten years had passed since Isaac started working at Mellon Bank, moved to Pittsburgh and joined The Sanctuary. He admitted that giving his life to Christ literally saved him. He was desperate and very angry after his break up with Tina and had started going to the bar after work to drown his sorrow.
Isaac hadn’t seen Tina since the day she left him. However, last Thanksgiving he saw her cousin who told him that Tina was married and living in New Orleans.
I felt compelled to share something about my past with Isaac, but I kept it brief. Jason and I went to graduate school together, fell in love and married after I graduated. We shared a wonderful marriage and I only moved to Pittsburgh
because Columbus didn’t feel like home anymore. I also admitted feeling guilty about going out with him because it had only been two years since Jason died.
“How long do you think you should be the grieving widow?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you think Jason would have wanted you to be alone for the rest of your life?”
“No.” I answered honestly. “He loved me too much for that.”
“I can see why.” Isaac put his fingers between mine and we held hands the rest of the way home.
Nineteen ninety-nine started well and I finally believed that I was going to be okay. I thought about Nana and her wisdom seeds. Joy, love, happiness and peace – I had experienced all of them, but they weren’t mine. Life kept snatching them away from me. I believed God kept me and provided for me and I wanted to learn to trust Him for everything, just like Nana talked about. The guest soloist on Sunday sang I Won’t Complain and it brought tears to my eyes because that was my song. I had had some weary days and sleepless nights, but when I thought about it, really thought about it, all of my good days truly outweighed the bad ones.
Josh wasn’t accepted at USC and realized his sophomore grades probably did him in. My therapeutic mom-talk was prepared when he announced his decision to attend Johnson C. Smith. I was excited for him and glad his senior year was going to be a memorable one. His senior Snow Ball was on the Gateway Clipper and, in spite of the cold, Josh said he enjoyed it better than the first one. He was serving on the Yearbook committee and looking forward to having the pictures he had taken included – or published, as he called it.
His basketball team was in first place in their division. Josh was excited about the Senior Recognition Day game and invited the Salvation Soldiers. Andrea, Sheila and I sat in front of them and made them promise to cheer along with us. Josh’s team was playing to keep their first place title and the game was intense from the jump ball.
At the start of the third quarter, Josh went up for a rebound and came down crooked. His expression confirmed that he was in pain and Isaac held my arm to keep me from running onto the court. Time seemed to stand still and I could feel my heart beating. The coach sauntered over to Josh and then motioned for the referee. It seemed like forever before they carried him off the court. Mr. Frazier, the Assistant Coach, motioned for me to come down on the floor. He suspected Josh’s ankle might be fractured and paramedics were taking him to the hospital.
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