The team made the playoffs – Josh would be a spectator. The fracture to his ankle would keep him on the bench for the rest of the season. This would have been Josh’s first time playing in a championship game. He would have to watch from the bench wearing his warm-up.
Sydney was selected to play the witch in Into The Woods and she was ecstatic. She was hoping to add another Adam Wade Award, this time for Best Actress in a Lead Role. The Youth Leadership Team was very supportive and planned to attend her opening night performance. Josh dreaded having to go wearing his cast.
Shae received the MVP Award in the High School All Star Tournament and was featured on the front cover of the February Community Digest. Shae was only in the ninth grade and colleges were already interested. The Girls High team reigned as state champs for the third consecutive year and Shae was the only starter that wasn’t graduating. This was her shining moment. She had felt like she was in Sydney’s shadow for so long but had found her niche. Sheila mailed a copy of the magazine to Sylvester hoping he would, at least, send flowers. He sent carnations. Doug gave her roses.
March was a mixed bag of emotions. Two years had passed since Jason’s untimely death. Doug surprised Sheila by asking to marry her at the Single’s Fellowship. Sydney was very happy, but Shae remained somewhat somber. I suspected it might be more of losing the spotlight rather than her disapproval. Doug was particularly fond of Shae and it made her happy that he attended all of her games.
The following Saturday we went bowling to celebrate Sheila and Doug’s engagement. Isaac was noticeably quiet and not his usual self.
“What’s the matter?” I asked as we were driving back to my house. “Is everything okay?”
He wouldn’t look at me. “It’s complicated.”
“What’s complicated?” I hated that word. It always indicated a problem.
“They offered me the VP position at the bank,” he said without smiling.
“Well, that’s great.” I was hesitant because he didn’t seem happy.
“The position is in Atlanta.” His response echoed in my head.
“Atlanta?”
He replied without looking at me. “Yeah, Atlanta.”
I wanted to tell him I was happy for him – the words wouldn’t come. We rode in silence until he turned onto Sonny Street.
He pulled into my driveway. “It’s an opportunity of a life time. I wish it would have come six months ago, then this wouldn’t be so hard.”
He took my hand. I couldn’t look at him. Tears were swelling in my eyes and I didn’t want to cry. I had that suffocating feeling again. There was no air and I couldn’t move to open the door.
He turned my face towards his. “Please say something.”
“I’m happy for you,” I managed to say before the tears began to flow. “Really, I am. I know this is something you’ve wanted.”
We sat in the car for what seemed like an hour and I listened to him talk. I searched my mind to remember some of the wisdom seeds, but drew blanks. One thing was for sure, my heart was breaking – again.
Two weeks later I threw a going away party for Isaac at my house. Sheila and Andrea helped me get through the evening – I was fine until after everyone left. Isaac was in the living room with Josh and I was putting the last of the dishes away when the reality of him leaving the next day hit. Had I brought this on myself? Would he have stayed if I had been honest about my feelings? “God,” I sighed out loud, “does life ever get easy?”
Isaac came in the kitchen and stood behind me. “Thank you.”
“It’s the least I could do.”
“I’ve avoided talking about us over this past week.” He took the dishtowel from me. “I was never sure of the possibilities. I know you need time, what I don’t know is how much.”
“I don’t either.”
Isaac pulled me into his arms and hugged me. Hard as I tried not to cry, the tears came. I had no words.
Monday morning was hard. There would be no call from Isaac. I forced myself to get out of bed and go to work. Staying at home would have been counter-productive and I was tired of crying. It was a little late to be thinking about admitting my feelings for Isaac, he was gone.
Andrea’s advice was to depend on God, grow spiritually, focus on myself and my own spiritual development. It sounded good, but my heart wasn’t listening. Sheila’s advice was to keep hope alive.
“It’s not over till the fat lady sings,” was her favorite cliché.
Josh and I spent Easter with the Singleton’s. We arrived in Ann Arbor Saturday afternoon and I was pleasantly surprised that Adrienne, Maureen and their families were also there. It was good seeing everyone. I worked hard to not think about Isaac. I also hoped that no one would ask about him and they didn’t.
Isaac’s message was the first one on my answering machine when we returned on Sunday night. I called him before taking off my coat. He was settled in his apartment and invited me to visit him. I said yes and agreed to come the following weekend.
“You miss him don’t you?” Josh asked after I told him about my trip.
“Yeah, I do.”
“I want you to be happy, Mom,” he said going upstairs. “Have a nice time in Atlanta.”
“You’re the best son in the world,” I yelled up behind him.
“Of course I am.”
Isaac was at the gate and hugged me when I got off the plane. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too,” I said glad to be in his arms again.
We spent Saturday sightseeing. I was anticipating and dreading going back to his apartment to talk about us that evening. The inevitable came after dinner.
“I’ve been thinking about you.” He put on a Luther Vandross CD before joining me on the couch.
“Well, that’s good.” I smiled. “I’ve thought a lot about you, too.”
“I was hoping we could stay friends and keep in touch.” He kissed me and pulled me into his arms. “I was also wondering where we can go from here?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
We talked about seeing each other at least monthly. He told me to think about opportunities in Atlanta and I reminded him that I had just purchased a house. The evening was filled with a myriad of emotions. We finally admitted to each other, and ourselves, that Atlanta was a long way from Pittsburgh. Neither of us wanted to commit to a long distance relationship. He kissed me, again, as if it were to leave a lasting impression. I knew it would, and somewhere deep inside of me I wished we could have another chance.
On Sunday, we went to breakfast and then to the eight o’clock church service. My plane was departing at noon. I was leaving Atlanta and Isaac. We would be friends and all the maybes would remain unknown. The memories were all good and would temporarily suffice to sustain me.
Sheila met me at the airport and couldn’t wait to tell me that she and Doug set a wedding date for July 2000. Then she wanted to know about my visit. I cried and admitted that whatever had started was over. We stopped at Baskin Robbins for Banana Splits and went to Sheila’s to watch Waiting To Exhale.
I began praying that God would help me understand His will for my life. Andrea had given me a book by Max Lucado, When God Doesn’t Seem to Make Sense, and I became engrossed in it.
“Life is a spiritual journey,” Andrea reminded me. “God will bring you to the point of trusting Him, how you get there is determined by the road you choose. It can be the long way or the short way.”
“Well of course I want to go the most direct route,” I told her, trying not to sound sarcastic.
“Then trust Him. Be confident in His ability to take care of you and provide for you.”
Andrea seemed so wise. If only I had gleaned half of her faith!
Joshua and Sydney went to each other’s proms just as they planned. Sydney wore lilac to her prom and the red dress that she wore to the Adam Wade Awards to Josh’s prom. It was an intense two weeks between the two of them.
Josh wa
s graduating from high school and going away to college. This was a milestone I wished Jason could have shared in. As I watched Josh receive his diploma, I smiled knowing Jason was watching, too. He would have been proud and I hoped Josh knew that.
The week after the kids graduated, Sheila and I rented a large shelter in Schenley Park for a celebratory picnic. Between the two families we were expecting eighty people. My mom, the Singletons and Isaac came in for graduation and stayed for the party. Joey’s family, Noah’s family, Maureen’s family, Adrienne’s family, Rhonda’s family, Denise and Elaine joined us for the party. Sheila’s parents, grandparents, her brother’s family, Doug, his parents and his kids were there, too. Sylvester promised to come but did his usual no show and sent flowers. We were in the park until almost ten o’clock and we cleaned up in the dark.
I hated having to spoil a great weekend by talking with Mom about selling the house, but it was a necessary discussion before she left Pittsburgh. On Monday morning I brought it up while we had coffee.
“Mom, we need to talk about you being in the house by yourself.”
“I’m going to sell the house,” she said pouring her second cup.
“Are you coming to live with me?”
“No baby, it gets too cold. I’m old. I need warm weather all year long. Your father and I talked about moving to Florida one day.”
“Oh,” I said. “I didn’t know that. So what are you going to do?”
“Joseph and Stephanie invited me to come with them to Virginia. It’s closer to Florida than Smithtown.” She smiled and took my hand. “It’s not that I don’t want to live with you, and I appreciate the offer, but I told Joseph I would come there after the house sold.”
My feelings were hurt. Selfishly, I wanted my mother to live with me. Jason was gone, Isaac was gone and Josh was leaving.
“That’s great Mom.” I lied, pretending to be happy for her. I busied myself with my banana nut muffin and was relieved when Josh came into the dining room.
I was apprehensive about Josh leaving at the end of August, and the summer went faster than I wanted it to. Josh and Syd worked at the church summer camp as Head Counselors; Shae went to basketball camp and won her second MVP in the summer tournament at the Y; Sheila was excited about planning her wedding; and my mother was going to Hampton to live with Joey. I was missing Jason – this was supposed to be our time. I also spent too much time thinking about Isaac and the what ifs.
Josh talked about being ready for college and the anticipation of living in Charlotte. He saved most of his pay because he planned to buy a car if he could get a job when he got to school. I never told him that I hoped he couldn’t find a job. His tuition and housing were secure from money Jason left him and focusing on his classes was paramount.
I cried myself to sleep the night before Josh and I drove to Charlotte. The morning greeted me with a clear blue sky, bright sunshine, a headache and my son whistling as he stuffed every tee shirt he owned into his suitcase. Isaac called while we were loading the car to tell Josh good-bye and to ask, again, if I wanted him to drive back with me. He had asked repeatedly, and I repeatedly thanked him and said no. Our calls were now weekly and more routine than anything else. I wasn’t sure if, like me, he was trying to move on or if he had met someone else.
Most of my reservations about leaving Josh at school were resolved before we left Pittsburgh. Although he wasn’t exactly sure of what he wanted to do, he knew he wanted to work with computers. When I asked about Syd, his reply was the same as it had been for the past two years, “we’re just really good friends.” Every time I pressed and asked if he liked her more than that he would merely smile and state, “I think so.”
Josh slept almost all the way to Charlotte. He only took off his headphones to go to the bathroom and to sing along with Steve Wonder’s Greatest Hits.
Move in day on a college campus is a timeless event. The crowds, the smiles and the tears were the same as they had been when my parents dropped me off at Penn State. The one blaring difference was that this time most of the students were with a mother and not their parents.
Before I was satisfied with the set up of Josh’s room, he was telling me to get on the road to Raleigh.
“I’ll be okay, Mom,” he said as we walked to the car. “You need to get on the road. It’s getting late.”
“It’s a straight shot,” I assured him. “I’ll be fine.”
“Mom, thanks for everything.” He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” I said hugging him, not wanting to let go. “Jason would be so proud.” I turned his face to mine. “He’s watching.” I pointed to the sky.
I stayed at Alicia’s for three days. Going for a swim before breakfast was addictive and I didn’t want to leave. Dennis was right, part of me wanted to stay close to Josh. I knew Josh needed space to spread his wings and fly. It was the going home part that I dreaded. I was going home alone.
14
Loneliness engulfed me the first few weeks after Joshua left. As my own self-therapy, to help me shed the empty nest syndrome, I began keeping a journal in September of 1999. I prayed more often, too, and started getting up a half-hour earlier. There was something about talking to God in the quiet of the morning that comforted me.
While the weather was still warm I enjoyed my prayer time and coffee on the enclosure. After finishing the book Andrea gave me, I began studying Joseph. His journey did not seem to make sense. He didn’t deserve being sold by his brothers, being lied on by Potiphar’s wife or going to prison. While suffering, Joseph had no idea that God was setting him up for a position of authority. Although he couldn’t see the end, he remained faithful to God and never doubted Him. I needed to be more like Joseph. I couldn’t see the end and I often felt victimized by my circumstances. I needed greater faith to trust that God was preparing me for something beyond what I could imagine. I began to pray for faith.
Andrea and I finalized our proposal outline for a charter school and received overwhelming support from members of the church. With much encouragement from Sheila, I applied to the Principal Certification Program at Indiana University of Pennsylvania. It was something I had contemplated for over a year. In submitting my application I promised myself I wouldn’t back out if accepted.
During each weekly phone call Josh reported that he was doing well and enjoying college. I made plans for Thanksgiving and reminded Josh that we would be going to Ann Arbor to be with the Singleton’s.
As usual, the autumn leaves carpeted my lawn. October was my favorite month, but with Josh being away there was no one to rake the leaves. Sheila and Doug finalized their wedding plans and confirmed their honeymoon in Acapulco. Shae finally admitted to being excited for her mom. Sheila believed she was more excited about being in the wedding.
It was the second week of October when Sheila went to Raleigh on business and I agreed to keep Shae. I welcomed the company and, as promised, attended both of Shae’s exhibition games. The Youth & Young Adult Gospel Explosion at the Rodman Street Baptist Church concluded our week’s adventure on Friday night.
As I pulled in Sheila’s driveway after the concert, I noticed the Escalade parked in front of her house.
Shae’s tone immediately changed from bubbly to indifferent. “That’s my dad’s car.”
“How do you know?”
“See the Smurf in the back window – he collects them.”
Shae was hesitant and waited for me to get out of my car. We walked to the door in silence.
Sheila’s voice was almost a shrill as we came in the front door. “You can’t just stop by when you’re in town and expect everyone to be happy to see you!”
“You still have a nasty attitude and you’re still angry that our relationship didn’t work.” His voice was strangely familiar.
“Don’t fool yourself! I’m ecstatic that you left and grateful you left me with two wonderful girls and not AIDS. You’re just a whore with MD behind your name.
” Sheila’s voice was quivering.
“Mom.” Shae interrupted them, peeking her head into the kitchen.
I stood in the hallway, not wanting to interfere, but knowing Sheila would need to talk when this was over.
“Hey baby girl.”
I knew that voice.
“Hi, Dad.” Shae’s voice was solemn.
“Do I at least get a hug?”
It couldn’t be. My mind began to race. Sheila’s from Washington, PA. She used to live in Philly, not Harrisburg. Henderson is such a common name. Her ex-husband’s name is Sylvester. I walked into the kitchen to let Sheila know I’d be at home if she needed me. Before he even turned around I knew it was him. “Greg?” I managed to say with the last of the air in my lungs. My mind went blank and the air was suddenly sucked out of the room just as it had been nineteen years ago.
“You know him?” Sheila’s eyes got big and her head snapped back.
I couldn’t answer. The sight of him triggered memories of that day in his living room. Again, I couldn’t breathe or speak.
Sheila walked toward me. “Dani, are you okay?”
“I gotta go, call me,” was all I could say as I ran out the door. I drove home in complete shock. Those old skeletons were coming out of hibernation and taunting me. My dad was right and I could still hear his words, “skeletons only hide in the closet – they never go away and they always get tired of hiding.”
Forty-five minutes later Sheila was at my door. I dreaded my every footstep. I would have to tell her. Part of me wished Greg already had.
“Girl, what’s going on?” She asked as I opened the door.
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