A Lethal Legacy

by P. C. Zick

  He went to San Francisco for the summer and found life there disturbing. Everyone was openly gay, and that almost made him more uncomfortable than hiding. He kept looking over his shoulder when he was with a man always waiting to be caught. He decided to come back to his home turf and try to live the single life.

  He didn't say which lifestyle he would pursue, and I didn't press the issue. And without a wife, it didn't matter what he decided to do as long as he was happy with himself and his choices.

  I did notice that he continued to rub his thumb and forefinger together. Often he had hangnails that bled. This nervous habit became even more pronounced when his father came anywhere near him. At least he was talking to me again, and I hoped his nervousness would soon disappear.

  Within a few months, Gary established himself with General Motors as an advertising rep. He moved to the Detroit suburb of Dearborn in November, ready to begin a new life with only the sadness and uncertainty of his daughter's well-being standing in the way of his contentment and freedom.

  "So that's what really happened," Kristina said when I finished telling her about the end of her parents' marriage.

  "I thought Gary explained it."

  "He gave me the sanitized version. Thanks for being so honest, Ed. I do appreciate that." She gave me a quick peck on the cheek.

  "Now how did your marriage end and how did my father ever end up marrying Miss America for God's sake?" she asked.

  "That story is for another time. I need to get some sleep tonight. Tomorrow will not be an easy day."

  His loneliness surrounded him like a shroud protecting him from the family who tried to break into his disguise. He sat alone at the table while the others around him did not notice his dis-ease with himself and them. They didn't even notice that he was alone.

  CHAPTER NINE

  I lay in the bed of the spare bedroom after Kristina left and wondered how I would tell Claire and Philip the news about their only child, a child who had managed to never live up to their expectations for very long. His second marriage to Elizabeth had been a temporary salve, but, of course, it hadn't lasted.

  My thoughts turned to Kristina and her genuine grief over Gary's illness. She exposed her raw feelings to me that afternoon, needing confirmation that she had been loved at some point in her life. I hoped I gave her some comfort.

  And it was a comfort to me to know that she suffered at the thought of losing Gary also. She left several hours before, and now I remembered her sweetness and sadness. I could have held her all night like that, just the two of us facing the unknown together. As I remembered how fragile she had been just a few hours before, I began to drift off to sleep.

  As if in a dream, Kristina was beside me in the bed. I sensed her presence before I felt her hardened nipples pressing into my back as she formed a spoon with my body. For a long moment, I lay there in the state between wakefulness and sleep enjoying the pleasant sensations of another human body joining with mine.

  I finally realized it wasn't a dream when I felt her hands pressing and exploring my back, then my chest. I was barely breathing, not sure how to respond, but not wanting it to stop. Then the hands lowered themselves to the waistband of my shorts. Her fingers began exploring regions of my body that became fully awakened at her touch.

  "Kristina," I moaned as I rolled over to make sure this was not an apparition.

  "Ed, I need you, I need to feel you inside me, please. I've wanted this for so long and so have you." She continued to speak in a soft, low voice as her hands performed their magic. "We need each other, especially now."

  The sleep of only moments ago began to wear away, although I performed the task of pulling off my shorts still in a dreamlike state. I sought her out with my lips and hands that easily found their destination in the dark.

  " Kristina, we have to stop," I said as I continued to press myself against her while a part of my mind attempted to disengage unsuccessfully. However, my passion for her, and my need for another human being at this point were too powerful for me to fight any longer. I was crushed by the waves of emotion that began washing over me the minute she touched me. The fog rolled over me and lost me in its thickness.

  "No, we don't have to stop, Eddie. Love me, please love me," she said in her angelic voice. She reached one hand to caress my cheek.

  She was so vulnerable, and she needed me. I reached for her, and I forgot everything else as I pushed myself on top of her. I forgot my promise to Gary as I gave myself over completely to the pleasure of this creature beneath me, still begging me to love her.

  When I woke in the morning, she was gone, and if not for her scent still upon my pillow, I might have thought I'd been dreaming. But as I remembered the way we had clung to one another as if to an inner tube in a lonely sea, I knew it had not been a dream. I knew that I had compromised something within myself the night before and with that knowledge, the enormity of the act hit me full force. I let everyone down. I even forgot to get the condom out of my pant's pocket before I lost myself inside of her.

  With a dread and sickening feeling at the pit of my stomach, I showered and prepared for the day and my long drive back to Ocala to face my aunt and uncle. I had to tell them their only child was dying, while deep inside of me, I knew I was the one who had died sometime during the night and a new, not improved Ed, stood before the bathroom mirror trying not to shake while I shaved away the night's stubble.

  By the time I hit I-10, I began sorting through the events of the night before. I hadn't pursued her; she came willingly to my bed, I told myself as I drove faster and faster to put distance between myself and Kristina. I also knew in my heart that I was the older one who should have stopped what occurred in that bed in the middle of the night. It didn't matter that we both were seeking some sort of solace in the midst of an intense grief. I felt hopelessly lost as I drove east.

  Ever since my move to Florida, I had been going either to the Atlantic coast or the Gulf when the time came to recharge my batteries. Whether the middle of winter or in the heat of the summer, I would throw a few things in the car and head to the place that would provide me with what I needed most.

  The Atlantic made me feel alive with the large waves and coquina beaches of north Florida. Even in the rain, I would walk the beach feeling a part of nature, an insignificant part, at best, but at least a part of the forces that make up the universe. It is necessary to feel the sense of forces larger than oneself to remain humble. I would write sketches or scribble feeble attempts at poetry or fill journal pages when I came back to my rental place of choice. I felt a sense of freedom from the struggles of my life and those around me.

  The Gulf, on the other hand, with its flat white beaches and cool soothing ripples of baby waves gave me a sense of calm and peacefulness, which allowed me to forget for a short while the failed marriages and relationships of my life. It always amazed me when people said they felt safe and secure to talk to me because I made them feel important. It certainly hadn't made either Allison or Kelsey feel safe. I guess most women don't like those characteristics in a husband.

  So on this journey back to my newly adopted home with the currents of my family's life resting in my shaky hands, I knew I needed the solace that the Gulf of Mexico might bring me before I faced the hurricane named Philip.

  I got off I-10 and headed south for my favorite winter haunt, St. George Island in Apalachicola Bay. I decided to spend two nights there before heading home. I spoke briefly to Rick at the last rest area. He told me the doctor visited that morning and given Gary some new medications that seemed to relieve some of his pain and allowed him to even eat a little. When I mentioned to Rick that I might stop for a short respite on the island, he encouraged me and assured me that my news for Gary's parents could wait an extra day.

  I felt my shoulders relaxing as I drove over the four-mile bridge connecting the barrier island of St. George with the mainland of Florida. It was dark as I approached the Buccaneer Inn, but the sign assured me that ther
e was a vacancy. After a long walk on the beach, I headed to Harry A's on the bay side for a few beers and a game of pool with one of the locals.

  I spent the next day walking the beach, sitting on the balcony of my beach front room, and writing about the illness that stood poised ready to take Gary. I thought about his comments over the years about his demons. Now they had a name, and they came from hell. The self-inflicted wounds on his fingers now manifested themselves all over his body.

  I walked the beach leaving deep footprints in the sand. When I turned around to head back to the Inn, the tide began its journey back into shore and my footprints disappeared as if I had never been there at all.

  When the sun set that night, I remembered the sunset of two days ago when Kris and I attempted to comfort one another. I wondered if she could be watching the same sunset in New Orleans, and just as quickly as the thought had come, I shoved it from my mind forcing it back into the dark depths where it belonged. The time had come to forget about myself and concentrate on what lay ahead of me tomorrow. I couldn't face Gary's death, his parents, and my descent into hell all in one day.

  Instead, I thought back to the memories that Kristina had evoked two nights before when I told her about meeting Kelsey. When I thought of my second marriage, I couldn't help but remember Gary's second marriage to Elizabeth and his temporary attempt to make his father proud of him.

  Kelsey finished her degree in 1972 and then immediately began as an account executive with Domino's. She loved the camaraderie of her colleagues, and even I had to admit that some of the social gatherings were fun. Volleyball became a corporate favorite, as well as the competitive softball rivalry between the different divisions within the company.

  During the summer, I finished a rough draft of a novel about the horrors of growing up homosexual in America. Gary's character, very well disguised as a star athlete during high school and college, ended up differently than its prototype. My fictional character finally comes to terms with his homosexuality and becomes openly gay by the end. In the novel, the turbulent years between 1967 and 1971 serve as a backdrop, creating a metaphor for the turmoil within the main character's life.

  By 1972, Gary's life had not followed the same pattern. In fact, he did everything he could to bury his true feelings in order to be accepted. Mostly he wanted acceptance from his father, but I grew tired of telling him that Philip Townsend would never accept him no matter what he did. Gary tried to prove me wrong when he began a romantic relationship with a beauty queen.

  When they met, early in 1973, Elizabeth Jackson had just won the title of Miss Michigan as Kalamazoo's entry, and Gary had been working at GM for six months. Gary's department was considering using Elizabeth for a series of ads for the Impala, and Gary met her to set up the final contract. He later told me they liked one another instantly and became friends over several long lunches. Once I met Elizabeth, I could easily understand the friendship. However, I still worried about his intentions and motives as the relationship developed.

  When the partnership between Miss Michigan and GM was announced, Gary asked Elizabeth if he could escort her to the cocktail party that would launch the new campaign. Soon after, they began dating whenever Elizabeth was in town or whenever they landed in the same town together since Gary traveled quite a bit with his job, too.

  Elizabeth was probably the most active Miss Michigan ever. Gary once told me, "Elizabeth has her eyes on the big prize. She's determined to be Miss America and nothing, not even me, comes before that."

  I tried several times to talk with Gary seriously. I watched as he picked at his finger. The rawness of that wound showed me he was trying to shut out his innermost feelings and me. So I decided, as I always did, that I just needed to be his friend. Any attempt on my part to help him sort through the complications of his life, and he would cut all contact with me as he had done before when I tried to scratch beneath his carefully constructed veneer.

  By this time, I had met Elizabeth several times and liked her. I always thought of beauty queens as being rather shallow, but I soon found that Elizabeth had substantive goals.

  "Please, don't ever call me 'the beauty queen'," she told me the first time we met.

  "Why not?" I asked.

  "I'm preparing for the Miss America competition like it's a job. In fact, I hope it leads to many jobs for me as an actress. Do you know how much money is awarded in scholarships alone?"

  "I hadn't really thought about it," I said.

  "No, you wouldn't have reason to think about it would you." She laughed. "It's enough to fund my entire college education, if I want and allow me a comfortable life. With the contacts and endorsements alone, I could walk right into a career in television or modeling when the year is over. I want it all, even if it means I have to put on those stupid bathing suits and parade down the runway like a mannequin. It will all be worth it."

  "Elizabeth, if determination can win this contest then you're sure to come in first," I said.

  "Tell me about your wife, Ed. When do I get to meet her?" Elizabeth asked.

  "Ed, that reminds me, Mom and Dad want us to all come over for dinner Friday night. Can you and Kelsey make it?" Gary asked.

  "Sure, I think so. But let me ask Kelsey. So I guess, Elizabeth, if she can make it, you'll meet her Friday night at Claire and Philip's. By the way, have you met them yet?"

  "Oh, yes. I just love Claire. She's so sweet. Philip's very nice, too, and just as handsome as his son." Elizabeth winked at Gary and reached over and squeezed his hand. Her hand momentarily covered his open sore. Gary picked up his drink with the other hand and took a long sip.

  Of course, Aunt Claire and Uncle Philip were thrilled with Gary's new girlfriend. When he told them, they both seemed to have forgiven him for sending Pam and Kristina away. Although Claire never blamed Gary openly, he told me he sensed from his mother's questions after the divorce that she secretly thought he should have been a better husband and father.

  Claire would ask, "Why didn't you hire help for Kristina so Pam wasn't so overburdened?" or "I wonder what would have happened if you had moved back to Ann Arbor before Pam left?" leaving Gary with the feeling that if he had only done something more, he could have salvaged his marriage. He knew rationally that nothing would have saved it; but children don't think rationally when parents place blame. I always sensed that his mother's insidious remarks wounded him more than his father's blatant attacks on his manhood because his mother had always supported him no matter what. In fairness to Claire, she had no idea the amount of power wrapped up in her seemingly simple questions.

  I also had a feeling that Philip would behave himself around Elizabeth since she was a no-nonsense kind of girl. She wasn't a flirt and wouldn't tolerate any touching or hugging from him, and Philip probably knew it. I never heard him belittle Gary in front of Elizabeth. He must have sensed that this woman would stand up to him.

  At dinner the following Friday, even Kelsey, who had laughed when she heard about Gary's new girlfriend, found herself attracted to Elizabeth's easy-going style. She put Kelsey at ease immediately by asking about Domino's and Tom Monahan. Kelsey wasted no time regaling her with stories about the growing company.

  In September of 1973, Gary went to Atlantic City with Elizabeth's parents for pageant week. He wasn't allowed to be alone with Elizabeth, according to the Miss America guidelines, but he was invited to all of the events and watched her win Miss Congeniality and Best Overall Talent with her tap dance version of "If My Friends Could See Me Now."

  Gary called his parents the night before the pageant telling them that the scuttlebutt around the pageant put Elizabeth at the top of the list for winning the whole thing. He said he didn't want to jinx anything, but everyone was very hopeful and excited.

  Kelsey and I watched the pageant with Mom and Dad at Claire and Philip's house trying to catch a glimpse of Gary in the audience without success.

  "Look at her, Claire. She's going to win; no one else can touch her now," Phi
lip said during the talent competition. "She can't miss."

  "That's the prettiest girl in the world, that's for sure," Claire said as she raised her glass of wine for a refill.

  Even my father, usually quiet and disdainful of Philip's boasting, couldn't help but enter into the celebration.

  "Gary got himself a real little beauty there, didn't he?" Stanley said. "Almost as beautiful as our own sweet Kelsey here."

  "Thanks, Dad." Kelsey reached over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I think I'll leave the beauty pageanting to Elizabeth though. I'll stick to selling pizzas." Kelsey picked up a piece of pizza with pepperoni and put her head back. She stuffed a huge bite in her mouth in a very unqueen-like motion.

  We rooted and cheered for Elizabeth all through the show, and when the audience stood on their feet after her performance, we knew she had the title. We hooted and booed when the other contestants came on the screen.

  "Miss Kentucky might as well pack her bags and get on the train right now," Claire shouted when she appeared on stage with her batons.

  "And the new Miss America for 1974 is Miss Michigan, Elizabeth Jackson." Bert Parks crowned her, and she began the walk unsteadily down the long runway. We missed most of it because we were jumping up and hugging one another as if we had won it ourselves. Philip opened the chilled bottles of champagne, and as we drank toast after toast, we had no idea what lay in store for the newly crowned Miss America.

  In actuality, Gary didn't see much of her during the next year. However, he would fly to meet her in different cities, and occasionally she would come home. Those visits left them little time alone because everyone in her hometown of Kalamazoo, and even the whole state of Michigan, claimed her time. I often wondered if Elizabeth ever suspected that something might be missing in their relationship. I began to assume that because of her schedule, she might not notice anything amiss in Gary's behavior. They had so little time alone, that intimacies were probably rare if nonexistent.