Fries Alive

by David Baldacci

  “Put a cork in it, you munchkin, before I use you for a shish-kabob.” She pointed her sword menacingly at Howie, who fell backward, cowering. “Wait until I tell Dad what I saw, Freddy.”

  Freddy looked at her smugly. “Who cares? Tell dad anything you want. I’ll be famous and rich and you won’t.” Freddy grabbed Howie, and they took off running to the woods.

  A stunned Nancy looked after them. “Victory still shall be mine,” she proclaimed, and then swung her sword up, accidentally conked her head, and knocked herself out.

  CHAPTER7

  CURLY RUNS THE BASES

  The Fries had run a long way through the woods and then stopped for a rest. When they finally started walking again, they came to a point where the trail branched off in three separate directions.

  “Okay,” began Theodore, “Wally, you and Ziggy go that way.” He pointed to the right. “Curly, you and Si and Meese go that way.” He pointed to his left. “And I’ll head straight. If anyone finds a place where we all can hide, come and get the others.”

  “That is, like, a fabulous idea, Theodore,” said Wally. “Why, if you keep coming up with stuff like that, you’ll almost be as smart as me.”

  “I doubt I will ever attain your relatively unpretentious level of intellectual ability, Wally,” replied Theodore.

  Wally slapped Theodore on the back, almost knocking off his glasses. “Ahh, blue guy, you just never know.”

  Ten minutes later Freddy and Howie reached the spot where the trail branched off. “Okay, Howie,” said Freddy, “you go to the left, and I’ll go to the right. Then we’ll meet back here and if we haven’t found them we’ll both go down the center trail.”

  The boys sprinted off in separate directions.

  After they had walked a while, Si, Meese, and Curly came to a clearing where there was a road. They headed down the road for a bit until they heard some sounds coming from up ahead.

  Si said, “I bet that right up ahead is the greatest thing in the whole world, and it’s just waiting for us.”

  “I think we should go crawl under a rock,” said Meese. “It’s no more than we deserve.”

  “Why are you so negative all the time? Geez, it could start to get a Fry down, even a happy one like me,” replied Si.

  “I’m not negative,” said Meese huffily, “I just know nothing but absolute destruction is waiting around the corner for me. So why deny it?”

  “Five bucks says that right up there is something incredibly fun,” challenged Si.

  “You don’t have five dollars. You don’t even have pockets,” Meese shot back.

  Si bent down and picked something up. He showed them a five dollar bill. “Lucky is as lucky does. Okay, put your money where your pout is. Five bucks.”

  “I don’t have any money,” wailed Meese. “And besides, I’d just lose.”

  “Okay, I’ll bet you a buck and I’ll lend you the money.”

  “Well, okay, but I’m sure this is going to be a total disaster.”

  “Just be prepared to pay up when you lose.” He glanced over at Curly, who had stretched up high and was looking for the source of the sounds they were hearing.

  “Right, Curly?” asked Si.

  “Idon’tknow,Ihopeso,becauseIdon’twanttogetintotrouble,” mumbled Curly.

  “See, even Curly agrees with me,” proclaimed Si happily. “Let’s go.”

  They rounded the bend in the road. Off to the left was a baseball field. Two teams were playing and a bunch of people were in the stands watching and cheering.

  “Oh, goody,” said Si. “A game. See, I told you. What fun. Come on!”

  “ButFreddysaidnottoletanyoneseeus,” mumbled Curly.

  “See, Curly wants to have fun too,” said Si. He dragged Meese along, and Curly reluctantly followed.

  Right about the time they got to the field, the batter hit a long fly ball over the left field fence. Without thinking, Curly uncoiled, went up twenty feet in the air, and caught the ball. He looked apprehensively at Si and Meese.

  “Great catch, Curly,” shouted Si. “Here, throw me the ball.”

  Curly tossed it to him. Si climbed the fence and waved the ball in the air, bopping Meese in the nose with the ball twice.

  “Give me that!” shouted Meese angrily, and he made a grab for the ball.

  “Hey, okay, let’s play takeaway,” said Si gleefully.

  “We’re attached to each other, you moron,” shot back Meese. “Even if I take it away, you’ll still have it.”

  “Uhguysyoubetterlookwhat’shappening’cause-Idon’tthinkit’stoogood,” mumbled Curly frantically.

  “What was that, Curly?” asked Si.

  “We’reinbigtrouble!” Curly mumbled, and he pointed at something.

  Si and Meese stopped fighting over the ball and looked where Curly was pointing. All the baseball players and all the people in the stands were running at them, and they didn’t look very happy. In fact, they looked like they might do the Fries bodily harm if they could just get to them.

  Meese did the only thing he could think of. He started to bawl.

  “No time for crying. Happy foot, don’t fail me now,” yelped Si as he tossed the ball to Curly and took off running, pulling Meese along.

  Curly caught the ball and started to run after Si and Meese. But then he saw another person running at him. He didn’t recognize that it was Howie. He uncoiled to his full height, turned, and ran past all the people coming at him.

  Astonished, the crowd turned and chased him. Curly ran around the bases and the crowd followed. But he was so fast that he kept passing them. But he did so politely and always said, “Excusemepardonmecomingthroughthanks,” and tipped his ball cap to the ladies.

  Finally the people finally ran out of breath and stopped. Curly turned to face the crowd.

  “Give me the ball,” said one of the ballplayers.

  “Yeah, throw it here,” called out another player.

  “No, give it to me,” shouted a kid in the crowd.

  Confused, Curly threw the ball way, way up in the air. When it came back down it was headed right for the crowd.

  “I’ve got it!” yelled one ballplayer.

  But another cried out, “No, I’ve got it!”

  Then another and another and another screamed, “No, I’ve got the ball!”

  All of the ballplayers collided with each other and collapsed in a big pile. Then the fans started after the ball and smacked into each other. By the time the ball landed, there was no one left standing to catch it.

  Meanwhile, Howie had reached Curly, grabbed him by the hand, and they both disappeared into the woods. When the crowd untangled themselves, they were just left scratching their heads, wondering if they all had really just seen what they thought they had.

  Back in the woods, Howie, Si, Meese, and Curly caught their breath.

  “So what happened back there, Curly?” asked Howie.

  Motioning with his hands, Curly mumbled, “Iranaroundincirclesuntiltheygottiredandthen.” He drew in a breath, and continued, “Ithrewtheballandtheyalltriedtocatchitand,” he took another breath,“theyallfelldownandandIranawayandhereIam.”

  “That’s what I like about you, Curly, you’re a Fry of few words,” said Si.

  Meese reached over and grabbed the five dollars out of Si’s hand.

  “What are you doing?” cried Si.

  “I won the bet.”

  “But it was only for a dollar.”

  “We almost got killed. That’s worth at least five bucks.”

  “But that was a lot of fun back there! You can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy that.”

  “Oh, shut up, mister happy foot!” snapped Meese.

  “Come on, guys,” interrupted Howie, “we need to find Freddy!”

  CHAPTER8

  TOO MANY PIES

  As Wally and Ziggy headed down the trail, Wally stopped and sniffed the air.

  “Blueberries,” he said after a long whiff. “And strawberries. And now I smel
l raspberries, and blackberries, and pumpkin, and apple and -”

  Ziggy interrupted. “Look up there.” Situated in a big field was a large brick building with twin chimneys out of which smoke was pouring.

  “It’s the Pookesville Pie Factory,” observed Ziggy, pointing at the sign over the door.

  Wally almost fainted. “Pies! That’s my favorite finger food. Come on, Ziggy.”

  “Wait a minute. We came into the woods to hide. Freddy said not to let anyone see us. We can’t go in there.”

  “Not to worry, little papoosie, it’s, uh, lunch-time, so everybody will be out eating.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “It’s a food thing – you’ll just have to trust me. Come on.”

  Wally put Ziggy on his broad shoulders and sped toward the building. They slipped in the back door and looked around. Wally’s big eyes grew even larger. The room was as large as a football field. There were big ovens at one end and lots of tables set up on the floor. And on each table there were dozens of different pies.

  “Quick, Ziggy, pinch me, I must be dreaming,” said Wally. Ziggy did as he was told. “Ouch,” yelped Wally. “See, I told you, nobody here. All right, little Fry guy, you wait here while old Wally scouts out the place.”

  “Remember, Wally, those pies don’t belong to us, so don’t eat them.”

  “Eat them! Ziggy, what kind of Fry do you think I am?”

  “A big, hungry one.”

  “Oh, I smell gooseberry.”

  Ziggy hid in the corner while Wally sneaked – to the extent that a large purple Fry can actually sneak anywhere – up to one of the tables and took a long sniff.

  “Pumpkin,” he said in a long, hungry moan. “My ninth favorite pie of all time. I could eat it all day.” He started to stick his plump finger in one of the pies when he saw Ziggy staring at him.

  “No, Wally. Be strong,” cautioned the yellow Fry.

  “If only I weren’t so weak from hunger,” he moaned.

  He went farther down the row of tables so that Ziggy couldn’t see him.

  “Getting weak… resistance falling… feel food frenzy coming on,” Wally said in halting words. He picked up one of the pies and held it under his nose.

  “Wally!” scolded Ziggy, who had followed him.

  “Aw, come on, Zig. They have so many pies. They won’t even miss it.”

  Ziggy thought about it. “Well, okay, I guess. But only one bite.”

  “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!” Wally looked around. “But which one? Apple…? Or blueberry…? Pumpkin…? Or banana cream over there…? And there’s strawberry. Yum, I love strawberry. Oh, there’s Key lime over there. Me LOVE Key lime. I want them all. Can’t decide, mind failing, resistance nearly gone, must try and stop… but…”

  As he was talking Wally’s eyes started spinning and his tongue started wagging like a big, thirsty dog. His fingers were bending and unbending and his belly was heaving up and down.

  “Uh, Wally, are you okay?” asked Ziggy.

  Right at that moment, Freddy ran panting into the pie factory and saw Wally and Ziggy.

  “Just fine, little papoosie. Wally’s just… just… just… FFFFFFIIIINNNNEEEE!”

  “No!” yelled Freddy. “Don’t!”

  Ziggy saw it coming too and ducked just in time. Wally opened his mouth as wide as he could and took one humongous breath. All of sudden there was an enormous suction force in the room. The tables started to quiver and the windows rattled and the tablecloths started whipping around.

  Then the first pie flew off the table and was sucked right into Wally’s gaping mouth. Another pie – a key lime – zipped right through the air, followed by several others. Then the whole table of key limes followed. And then the apples, and banana creams, and raspberries… and within barely a minute every pie in the place was now in Wally’s bulging mouth. The purple Fry was now so large that his belly touched one wall and his butt the other.

  Hearing the commotion, the pie factory workers ran out of another room and were immediately caught in the suction. They grabbed onto pipes that ran along the wall so they wouldn’t end up in Wally’s mouth too. When Wally finally closed his mouth and gave a huge swallow, the suction stopped and the workers fell to the floor.

  Ziggy stared at his purple friend with his huge eyes. “Wally, look what you did. I said just one bite!”

  “Well, it was only one bite. There was just a lot in it.”

  “Hey, you!” shouted one of the workers, pointing at Wally and Ziggy.

  “Wally, Ziggy!” yelled Freddy. “Run, guys!” He ducked down before the man saw him.

  “Oh boy, time to head out, little papoosie,” said Wally.

  “But we have to stay here and explain all this,” countered Ziggy. “I’m sure they’ll understand.”

  Wally stared at the men as they picked up chairs and sticks and came at them like junkyard dogs circling an intruder.

  “We’ll write ’em a letter instead,” hissed Freddy. “Come on!”

  But now they were surrounded. As Wally shrank back, one of the workers came forward holding a stick.

  “Okay, what’s your name?” the worker called out to Ziggy.

  Ziggy’s little face scrunched up into something very frightening.

  “MY NAME IS ZIGGY!” he screamed so loudly that the force of air coming out of his mouth knocked the stick out of the man’s hand. But in his excitement Ziggy bumped his head against a table and his arms, legs, and face immediately fell off.

  All the workers screamed at this horrible sight and fled the room.

  Wally looked at most of Ziggy lying on the floor. “Wow, little papoosie, that was really cool. How’d you do that?”

  Ziggy’s mouth moved from where it was on the floor. “I don’t know. And how do I put myself back together?”

  Freddy ran up, kicked Ziggy in the butt, and all his parts sprang back up and reattached themselves.

  “Sorry, Ziggy, I didn’t have time to tell you about that special feature of yours. I thought, you know, it would be kind of funny.”

  “Hey, how’d you do that?” asked Wally.

  “Relative theory of magnetic conductivity and reverse polarity phenomenon.”

  “That would’ve been my guess,” concluded Wally.

  Freddy said, “Now let’s get out of here before they come back.”

  They ran out as fast as they could go, which wasn’t all that fast since Wally was so much bigger now.

  Once outside they hurried into the woods, but Wally slowed down and then stopped. He let out a burp so loud that five squirrels fell out of a tree and three deer roaming nearby fainted from sheer terror. “Not feeling too good,” complained Wally.

  “Well, I guess so. You just ate four hundred pies!” exclaimed Ziggy.

  “Four hundred? You sure? Seemed closer to two-fifty. OOOOHHHH! Be right back,” mumbled Wally. He ran behind some trees. Freddy and Ziggy heard a bunch of disgusting sounds, and when Wally came back he was normal size – at least for a huge purple thing.

  “Feel better?” asked Freddy.

  “Lots,” he said with a big smile and rubbed his hands together. “So, we had dessert. What say we grab a little lunch?”

  Freddy could only stare at the big purple guy. Then he walked off, shaking his head while Ziggy followed him, doing the very same thing.

  They came back to where the trails branched off and found Howie, Curly, and Si and Meese waiting for them there.

  “Where’s Theodore?” asked a frantic Freddy.

  Curly pointed down the center path. “Hewentthataway.”

  Freddy paled. “But that leads to downtown Pookesville!”

  “Oh boy!” exclaimed Howie. “That isn’t good.”

  “All of you just stay here,” yelled Freddy, and he ran as fast as he could toward downtown Pookesville.

  CHAPTER9

  THE POOKESVILLE CHESS MATCH

  Theodore had walked until he reached the downtown area of Pookesvil
le. Keeping out of sight as Freddy had instructed, he arrived in the very center of town. Here there was a park with a brick courtyard, a few bushes and trees, and a statue of Captain Peter Pookes. The captain was a Civil War veteran who had founded the town when he got lost from his regiment, wandered around, built a shack, and then refused to leave, as founders of towns often do. There were about four hundred pigeons currently sitting on his statue. Pigeons loved Captain Pookes.

  Two very old men were sitting on a park bench playing chess next to Captain Pookes. Theodore loved chess, and forgetting Freddy’s warning to remain hidden, he walked over. Theodore stared over the old men’s stooped shoulders and quickly sized up the match.

  He said, “Let me see, rook to F-five would be the most advantageous, I believe.”

  Neither of the old men even bothered to look up. One of them grumbled, “There’s a chess master in every crowd.” Both men cackled. But Theodore did note that the old guy playing with the black pieces made that very move.

  The old guy playing with the white pieces laughed and said, “That’ll cost you, Jasper. You made a big blunder there, you old coot.” He moved his white bishop forward.

  “All right, Jasper,” said Theodore, studying the board, “Now, knight to D-three, and we have discovered check.”

  “Heh-heh, Charlie,” said Jasper, “Looks like I’m gonna kick your skinny little hiney-butt this time.”

  “This can’t be!” cried out Charlie as he stared at the board. Neither of them had even looked at Theodore. “There’s gotta be a way out.”

  “Unfortunately, there isn’t,” said Theodore. “I would surrender with all due haste and humility.”

  Charlie kept staring at the board, looking for an escape. Finally, realizing the situation was hopeless, he slowly laid down his king in a show of defeat.

  “Yee-ha!” shouted Jasper. “Checkmate, you old coot, you. First time in thirty years. All right, pay up, fifty cents, right in my hot little hand.”

  Charlie pulled out the coins and gave them to Jasper. “Okay, but next time, put him in check, all right?” Charlie looked up at Theodore and froze. “ALIEN!” he screamed.