“Yes, Nanny-B, er, Nancy?”
“Our float for the Founders’ Day parade’s been destroyed.”
“What! I can’t believe it.”
“It’s true, Dad. Freddy did it. He’s snapped this time, he really has. It’s sad, very sad. Come on, I’ll show you.”
They raced to the barn and Nancy triumphantly threw open the door. “See?”
Alfred stared for a long moment and then exclaimed, “This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
Nancy hadn’t looked yet. “I know, it’s awful, isn’t it? I’ll be happy to accept his allowance while he’s in solitary confinement… what!” Nancy looked at the float in disbelief. “But it’s all changed. It’s… it’s the Burger Castle. Where’s the Vroom shake? Where’s the balcony where I’m going to deliver my Shakespeare monologues?”
Her father smiled. “You are quite the actress. You really did surprise me.”
“Uh, that’s right, Dad. You know how I love surprises. In fact, I’m going upstairs right now to surprise Freddy. I’m sure he’ll love it too.”
She stomped off to go find her brother and cream him.
After she left, Alfred saw the blueprints that Freddy and Theodore had drawn on the wall. He started rubbing his very sharp chin. “I wonder,” he said.
CHAPTER14
HOWIE KAPOWIE SPILLS THE BEANS
Howie Kapowie was walking home from the store later that day when he was ambushed by Adam Spanker and his gang. They dangled him upside down and stuffed grass in his nose. Adam balled his huge, lumpy fists in front of Howie’s upside-down face. “Tell me what you saw at Funky’s place, or else.”
“Nothing, I swear,” wailed Howie as he blew grass out of his nose.
Adam grabbed Howie by his shirt. “I know that goofball’s involved with all the crazy stuff that’s happened. And you know about it. Now talk!”
“I know nothing!” shouted Howie.
Adam rubbed his four chins and studied the situation. “If you don’t talk I’ll make you give me the answers to all the tests in school.”
“I already do!” said Howie.
“Oh yeah. Hmmm. I know. I’ll break your bike in half.”
“I don’t care!”
“You don’t?”
“No, because I don’t have a bike.”
“I’ll steal your cat then.”
“I’m allergic to them.”
“I’ll take your dog.”
“I’m allergic to slobber too.”
“I’ll smash your computer.”
“I use my dad’s.”
“I’ll break your glasses.”
“My mom’s an eye doctor. I get ’em by the dozen. And besides, I’m loyal to Freddy. Nothing you can threaten will break me.” Howie started to laugh crazily. “You don’t know who you’re dealing with. A Kapowie never gives in. Never!”
One of Adam’s bully friends whispered something to him. Adam started smiling. “Right. I’m glad I thought of that.” He turned to Howie. “All right, if you don’t talk, I’ll make sure that you never, ever get another cheese cube to eat so long as you live.”
“I’ll tell you everything,” said Howie Kapowie.
CHAPTER15
THE ATTACK OF THE SPANKER GANG
Later that same night, after Freddy got home from working at the Burger Castle, he hustled to his lab to see the Fries. A storm had blown in and it had started to rain, so Freddy hurried along the path to the barn where his lab was hidden. Suddenly, something flew out of the dark and stung his arm.
“Yeow!” he yelled, and rubbed his arm, his fingers getting all sticky from something. “What the -”
“You’re completely surrounded, Funkhouser,” a voice boomed out. “Your butt is mine.”
Freddy’s spirits plummeted as he watched Adam Spanker and his gang rise up from behind a knoll, paintball guns in hand.
“What do you want?” Freddy called out fearfully.
“I want your freaky friends. I’m gonna turn ’em in and collect that big reward.”
“You better get off my property before I call my dad.”
Bam! Another paintball bullet hit him in the leg. It really hurt, but Freddy bit his lip and didn’t cry out.
Adam laughed. “Like your dad scares me. He’s as crazy as you.”
“Don’t you call my dad names!” said Freddy hotly.
Bam. Another shot in the other leg. Freddy felt like crying now, but he didn’t. Never, ever let the enemy see you cry, he told himself.
“I’m waiting, Funky.”
Freddy thought quickly. Suddenly he had a plan. It just might work, because Adam was like a T-rex – big body but little brain.
“Okay,” Freddy said, “I give up. I can see there’s no way out this time. But we have to go to my laboratory. It’s over there.” Freddy pointed to a large building down the path a bit. “Follow me.”
“Okay, but no funny stuff. I’ll be watching.”
Freddy started walking toward one of the big barns as Spanker and his gang followed. When he got to the barn door, Freddy called out, “Okay, it’s right in here.”
“This better not be a trick, or you’ll be really sorry,” threatened Adam.
“It’s not. You guys win. You’re too tough for me.” He went inside and the others followed.
“Okay, where are your freaky friends?” demanded Adam.
“They’re hiding right over there,” answered Freddy. He pointed at a large pen where a pig was laying in the muck. Freddy said, “I’ll get them. They’re kind of shy.”
He went over, undid the latch on the gate to the pigpen, and suddenly smacked the pig on the rump. It squealed and took off running right at Adam and his gang. They all screamed and scattered as the big pig bore down on them.
While Adam and his gang were running away, Freddy grabbed a small wagon that was sitting next to the wall, pulled it through two loose boards at one end of the barn, and hurried over to a dirt path that ran to his laboratory. He pushed the wagon as fast as he could and then jumped on and flew down the dirt path.
Right about that time Adam and his gang burst out from the barn, shouting after him. Freddy felt paintball bullets whiz by his head. One of them hit his wagon. The rain was falling harder again, but Freddy didn’t care. He heard Adam and his gang running after him, but he was going so fast they weren’t gaining at all. He reached the barn, tripped the secret entrance, and fell through the trapdoor into his lab, landing in the pile of hay.
“Fries, it’s me, Freddy.”
All the Fries quickly assembled in front of him.
“What’s wrong, Freddy?” asked Ziggy. “You look awful.”
Freddy said, “Okay, here’s the deal. Adam Spanker and his gang are heading this way and they’re armed and dangerous. They’ve hit me three times, but nothing vital. When they attack, we’ll pretend to fight them off and then we’ll let them come inside. I’ve been working on some new inventions and modifying some of dad’s old ones. So once Spanker and his gang get in here, we’ll pulverize ’em.”
“Wow, sounds like a lot of fun,” said Si.
“We’re all doomed,” whined Meese. “And it’ll all be your fault, Si.”
“My fault! How could it be my fault?” asked Si.
“Because everything bad that happens to me is always your fault.”
Freddy’s phone rang. “Yeah?” he said.
“It’s Howie.”
“What’s the password?”
“Adam Spanker sucks his thumb.”
Freddy hit the button, and there was a scream as Howie landed in the pile of hay.
He jumped up quickly. “The Spanker gang tortured me and made me spill the beans on the Fries.”
“I know, Howie. They’re about to attack.”
“I would’ve been here earlier but they tied me to a tree. I just got loose. Come on, we better get out of here.”
“No, I’m going to stay and fight,” declared Freddy.
“But we�
�ve always run from Adam Spanker, ever since kindergarten.”
“I’m tired of running from him.”
“But we’ve always thought that. So what’s changed?” asked Howie.
Freddy looked at the Fries. “What’s changed is we’re not alone anymore, Howie. We have friends who’ll fight right beside us. Won’t you, guys?”
All the Fries stepped forward. “Let’s kick some Spanker butt,” yelled Wally.
“Okay, guys, listen up, here’s the plan,” Freddy said.
CHAPTER16
FRIES VS. GUYS
When Adam and his gang reached the barn, he held up his hand for them to stop. He spoke into his walkie-talkie. “Have Big Benny ready just in case.” He looked at his men. “Watch out for tricks,” he warned.
They aimed their paintball guns and looked around. Suddenly they heard a sound, and something hit Adam in the arm. He reached down and picked it up. It was a pebble. He laughed. “This is all he has? We’ll destroy ’em. Come on guys, charge!”
As they rushed forward a few more pebbles flew at them, but did no damage.
Adam laughed, “Funky, you are, like, so dead.”
They reached the door to the barn, pulled it open, and raced inside. They looked around, their paintball guns pointing in all directions.
“All right, Funky, you better come out or else,” shouted Adam.
Suddenly bright lights came on everywhere, and Freddy appeared at the top of the hayloft. “Don’t come any closer,” he said in a quivering voice.
“Or what?” sneered Adam. “You gonna hit me with another pebble? Ohhh, owww, you’re killing me. Please stop.” The gang all laughed.
They all stopped laughing when they saw Freddy jump from the hayloft, but before he hit the ground he shot upward, right to the ceiling and hovered over them. Then Howie Kapowie came zooming out and hovered over them too. They both were wearing antigravity belts that Freddy’s dad had invented that allowed them to fly.
“I’ll give you five seconds to give up or else,” said Freddy.
The gang looked up at them nervously but Adam sneered, “Or else what?”
Freddy held up his arm where the seed shooter was attached. Howie had one on too.
Adam belly-laughed. “Ooohh, you’re gonna hit me with some tomato seeds; I can hardly stand the pain. Okay, guys, let’s blow them out of the sky.”
“Time’s up,” shouted Freddy. He looked at Howie and said, “Ready, aim, fire.”
Freddy and Howie shot right at the gang. Tiny seeds shot out of the shooter, but as soon as they did, they swelled into something bigger. Far bigger.
“Owww!” yelled Adam as a pineapple hit him in the chest, knocking him on his butt.
“YOW!” cried another gang member next to him as an eggplant nailed him in the ear.
“Uggh!” said another bully as a fat pumpkin split open on his head.
The Spanker gang was being hit from all sides by a barrage of large fruit and vegetables as Howie and Freddy whizzed around the barn, shooting point blank.
“This is so much cooler than tomato seeds,” yelled Howie as he hit Adam in the butt with a twelve-pound watermelon, sending him headfirst into a pile of old cow poop.
“It took me a couple of days to come up with the process to shrink all this stuff so it’d fit in the seed shooters, but it was sure worth it,” said a smiling Freddy.
Within seconds the gang lay groaning on the floor of the barn. Freddy and Howie landed in front of them. Adam sat up and stared at them furiously. “You twerps are gonna pay for this. Come on, guys, charge!”
Adam and his gang rose up and sprinted toward Howie and Freddy. The two looked at each other and smiled. “Ready?” said Freddy.
“Ready, roger will-co, over and out, and Adam Spanker sucks both his thumbs,” yelled Howie.
Freddy and Howie pulled the Jelly Leggers – which were small silver gadgets – out of their pockets, aimed, and fired at the legs of Adam and his gang. Instantly the boys all started walking crazy, their knees knocking together, their feet flopping around, like they had no bones in them.
Finally, they all fell down and flopped around on the floor like fish on a beach.
“Gotta love the old Jelly Legger,” said Freddy.
“What is this stuff, magic?” screamed Adam.
“No, something far more powerful,” said Freddy. “The human brain.”
The jelly-leg effect finally wore off.
“Come on, men,” shouted Adam. They surged forward after Freddy and Howie.
“You’ll never catch us,” taunted Freddy. He and Howie raced off.
“Spread out,” ordered Adam. “We’ll try and outflank ’em.”
As he was sneaking through the barn, Adam got on his walkie-talkie. “Is Big Benny in place? Good. Wait until I give the signal. And get a hold of my Dad and tell him to get over here fast.”
One of the gang turned the corner and stopped when he saw a pair of eyes peeking out from the hay.
“All right, come out of there,” he ordered.
The small lump of hay rose up and walked toward him.
The boy pointed his paintball gun and laughed, “It must be little Howie Kapowie.”
Suddenly the hay flew off and there was a yellow head that was swelling up like a balloon being pumped full of air. Ziggy let out an ear-splitting scream, “AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!”
“That doesn’t scare me,” sneered the boy.
“Oh,” said Ziggy in his tiny voice. “How about this?” He smacked himself on the head and his face, arms, and legs fell off.
The boy screamed and shot away so fast he ran right out of his shoes.
“Uh, guys,” said Ziggy’s mouth as it lay on the floor. “I need some help over here.”
Another boy poked through some straw and then froze when he saw a pair of red feet. Suddenly out of the straw popped Si with a big smile. “Hey, you looking at me?” he said, laughing.
Then Si disappeared and Meese popped up with his droopy face. “Hey, you looking at me?” he whined.
The boy’s eyes grew bigger and bigger. Then both Si and Meese jumped in front of him and yelled, “RRRROOOOAAAARRRR.”
The boy turned and ran.
Two other gang members got the jump on Curly.
“OkaycatchmeifyoucanbutIdon’thinkyoucansothere,” mumbled Curly.
The two boys looked at each other. “Huh?” they both said.
Curly started running and they chased him. Curly looked back at them and started uncurling as he ran in circles while the boys tried to keep up. He was running so fast that the top of him came around behind the boys while the rest of him was still in front of them. He picked them up, running faster and faster in circles. Finally, Curly stopped and put the boys down. They were so dizzy they both fell over in a daze.
Another boy came face-to-face with Theodore. He pointed his paintball gun at him. “Hold it right there,” ordered the kid.
“Young man,” said Theodore in his deep, intellectual voice, “I seriously doubt that your parents would approve of this most distasteful conduct.”
“What’d you say?” said the boy.
“Let me put it this way. In the grand scheme of things, what does your membership in this ‘gang’ do for your long-term prospects of getting a good education and finding gainful employment and becoming a productive member of society?”
“Huh?” exclaimed the boy. He aimed his paintball gun.
“Now I know you don’t really want to shoot me with paint.”
“Yes I do.”
“Well, then you leave me no choice. I’ll apologize in advance.”
Right before the kid pulled the trigger, Theodore stuck his finger in the barrel. The paintball gun fired backward and covered the boy in blue paint.
“A particularly beautiful shade, if I do say so myself,” observed Theodore.
Meanwhile, Adam sneaked up behind Freddy, and pointed his paintball gun at him. “Hands up, Funkhouser. Now call all your freaky friends ou
t here. I can’t wait to march them into the police station. I’ll be a hero.”
Instead of surrendering, Freddy shot into the air using his anti-gravity flight belt.
“You can’t catch me, Spanker,” laughed Freddy. “Whoops!” Freddy suddenly veered to the left and then to the right. He banged against one of the walls and then zoomed straight to the ceiling and slammed into it before he soared straight down.
“AAAHHHHH! Dad, I thought you fixed the flight belts,” screamed Freddy as he plummeted. Howie was on the ground taking aim at Adam Spanker with his Jelly Legger when Freddy crashed into him, and both boys fell to the hay-piled floor. When they looked up, they saw Adam Spanker staring at them, his paintball gun pointed at them.
“Now, I’ve got you two dorks!”
Adam couldn’t see it, but rising up behind him was something very big and very purple.
Freddy, who could see this, said, “Uh, Adam, I think you might want to get out of here.” Freddy pointed behind Adam.
Adam slowly turned, and his eyes grew huge. Wally was standing there staring at him. He was so big his head was touching the barn’s ceiling. He bent down so he was eye-to-eye with Adam and started sniffing him.
“Do you have any food?”
“NNN-OOOO,” stammered a terrified Adam.
“Too bad, because that means I’m gonna have to EAT YOU!” Wally opened his enormous mouth.
Adam let out the loudest bloodcurdling scream that Freddy had ever heard and ran out of the barn so fast that he left most of his clothes behind. As they watched him, Si said, “Hey, he’s wearing pink underwear.”
Freddy turned to Wally. “Thanks, Wally.”
“No problem, little dude.”
Curly mumbled, “UhguysIthinkwehaveabig problemrightbehindus.”
They all turned around and stared at what was coming right at them.
“Now you and your freaky friends are gonna get yours, Funky,” yelled Adam Spanker. “Meet Big Benny.”
Spanker’s gang was rolling in the biggest paintball cannon that Freddy had ever seen.
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