Howie took a step back. “This doesn’t look good, Freddy.”
“I’m gonna cover you and your whole farm with a really special kind of paint, Funky: the kind that stinks and doesn’t come off for at least a month,” crowed Adam.
“I’m not afraid of you, Spanker,” retorted Freddy.
“Oh yeah, why not?”
Wally answered. “Duh, because you’re wearing pink underwear, dude.”
Freddy, Howie, and the Fries all laughed.
Adam turned red. “Well, you won’t be laughing for long. He turned to the gang members operating the cannon. “Ready?”
“No!” shouted Howie, who backed away.
“Aim,” said Adam.
“Cease and desist immediately,” commanded Theodore, but he backed up too.
To protect the others, Freddy threw himself in front of the cannon. But then he felt something grab him and toss him out of the way. He landed in the hay and opened his eyes right as Adam yelled…
“Fire!”
Big Benny roared and the huge paint cannonball exploded out and… and…
“NOOO!” Freddy yelled.
The cannonball flew right into Wally’s enormous mouth. Everyone, including Adam and his gang, stood wide-eyed.
Wally stood straight up, took an enormous swallow, and they all heard the cannonball clunk right into his belly. Everyone kept watching as Wally smiled really big.
“MMMM. Me love whatever it was I just swallowed.”
But then he gave a little shiver and his eyes crossed and he put a hand to his mouth.
“Uhh, Wally, are you okay?” asked Freddy.
“Not feeling too good, little dude.”
Then there was an enormous explosion inside Wally’s belly and it expanded six feet out in all directions.
“OOOOHHHH,” said Wally. He bent over, rubbing his huge belly. “Feeling kind of like when I ate all those pies.”
Freddy looked at Adam and his gang, who were still frozen, staring at Wally.
“Wally, you remember what made you feel better that time…?”
“Good idea, little dudee-rudee. I know just where you’re coming from.”
Wally stood straight up, opened his huge mouth so that it was at least six feet wide, and aimed right at Adam and his gang.
Freddy yelled, “Fire!”
Compared to what came out of Wally’s mouth at that instant, Big Benny seemed like a pop gun.
The entire Spanker gang screamed as one when the brown, sticky goop hit them so hard it blew them across the barn. They landed six feet off the floor and stuck against a wall, groaning and moaning. The entire barn stank!
“Boy, do I feel better,” said Wally.
Freddy and his friends cheered triumphantly. But this was cut short by a shrill sound that drowned out their celebration.
Police sirens!
CHAPTER17
PURPULIS ENORMOSIS
“Omigosh,” cried Freddy. He peeked out the door and saw the red lights of the police car heading to the farm. “We’ve gotta get out of here.” Freddy kicked Ziggy in the butt and he sprang back together. They all ran out into the rain and sprint-ed to the woods.
They finally stopped to catch their breath. The rain was pouring harder and harder, bouncing off them like beads. Freddy said, “Curly, go up and take a look.”
Curly stretched up for a look around but quickly collapsed back down.
“Lightsinthewoodscomingthiswaybettergo,” he mumbled.
“They’re after us, keep moving,” Freddy translated.
They raced through the trees and then broke into the clear. Freddy stopped dead in his tracks. The Fries did too.
“This indeed presents a considerable conundrum,” said Theodore.
“You took the word right out of my mouth,” said Wally.
“What word?” asked Ziggy.
“Coconutdumdum,” Wally answered.
The raging river was blocking their escape.
“I’ve never seen it this bad,” said Howie. “It must be all the rain. I bet the river’s pouring over the dam.”
“Is there a way around it?” squeaked Ziggy, wiping the rain out of his big eyes.
“No,” answered Freddy.
“Well, do we have to cross it?” asked Si. “I bet there’s a swell hotel right on this side of the river if we just head that way.” He pointed to the right.
“The only thing that way,” said Freddy, “is the dam. And we can’t go to the left because Chief Spanker’s back there. We’re trapped.”
Freddy looked at Curly. “How close are they?”
Curly stretched up in the air and then came back down. “Rightbehindus,” he mumbled.
“Oh, that’s just great,” said Freddy angrily. “Now they’re gonna find us and then they’ll arrest my dad because they’ll think he lied when he said he didn’t know anything about you Fries.”
Theodore said, “Freddy, it’ll be okay. We’ll think of something; at least I think we will.”
“Yeah,” added Si, “and when we do it’ll be something terrific, you can bet on it, kid. Right, Meese?”
“They’re going to put us all in jail and throw away the key,” moaned Meese. “We’ll never breathe free air again.”
“I can’t believe I messed up so badly,” said Freddy. He started to sniffle and rub his eyes. Howie put his arm around his friend and started to sniffle too. “Well, at least it’ll be over soon,” added Freddy tearfully.
The footsteps grew closer. They could see the beams of the flashlights cutting through the trees.
And then Wally rose up and asked, “Hey, kid, you wanna get out of here?”
Freddy looked up, bewildered.
“What are you talking about, Wally? It’s hopeless,” said Theodore. “Even I can’t think of anything.”
“Well, I can.”
“We can’t eat our way out of this,” said Ziggy. “So what can you do?”
Wally looked very determined. “They don’t call me purpulis enormosis for nothing, little papoosie.”
Wally opened his mouth and took a huge breath. Rain, leaves, and parts of trees were sucked in, and then the big purple Fry started to grow and grow and grow some more. Then he lay on the ground and started widening and flattening out. Then he curled up the edges of himself.
When he was done he said, “Okay, Theodore, stand right here -” Wally pointed to a spot that was near his flattened head “- and stretch yourself as high as you can.”
Theodore did so.
“Okay, Ziggy, make yourself really wide and climb up on Theodore’s shoulders.”
“I don’t think I can, Wally.”
“Sure you can. All Fries based on nanotechnology can morph,” said Wally.
Ziggy took a deep breath, held it, and immediately started getting very flat and very wide, like a big yellow blanket.
“Okay, Curly, wrap one end of yourself around Ziggy and Theodore so they’re held together, and then hook your other end to both my arms, like this.” Wally motioned what he intended Curly to do. The green Fry quickly did so.
“Okay, Si and Meese, over here.” Wally pointed to a spot near the rear of his flattened body. “Okay, stick your legs in my belly button, but no tickling.” Si and Meese stuck their legs through the hole and they popped out the other side of the flattened Wally. Then the purple Fry tightened his belly button around their waist. “Now hold up your hands.”
Freddy and Howie were still trying to figure what Wally was up to.
“Okay, you two,” said Wally, pointing at Freddy and Howie. “Come here and take a hold of Si and Meese’s arms. Now, Si and Meese, when Freddy and Howie move your arms one way you move your legs the other way. Got it?”
“Got it!” they both said. Si and Meese looked at each other in surprise.
“Hey,” exclaimed Si, “that’s the first time we’ve ever agreed on anything.”
Meese looked almost happy but then quickly turned gloomy. “I’m sure it’ll never happ
en again.”
“Wally, what are you doing?” said Freddy as he looked around at all the Fries in these very weird positions.
“I bet you can guess, little dude.”
Freddy thought for a moment and then it hit him. “We’re a boat!”
“You got it,” said Wally.
Freddy said excitedly, “You’re the hull, Theodore’s the mast, Ziggy’s the sail, Curly’s the rigging, and Si and Meese are the rudder and ship wheel.”
“And you’re the captain and Howie’s your first mate.” Wally looked over his little boat and crew. “Okay, boys, here we GO!”
He lunged forward into the water. They were instantly swept downstream. Wally’s face was barely out of the water. He looked up ahead. “Hard to port,” he called out to Freddy and Howie. “That’s to the left.”
“Got it,” said Freddy, and he and Howie turned Si and Meese’s arm hard to the left. Si and Meese pushed their legs, which acted as the rudder, to the right and the boat moved to the left.
“Now to starboard,” shouted Wally over the noise of the rain and pounding water.
The boys turned the wheel to the right. Si and Meese moved their legs to the left and the boat turned to the right.
“Hey, Wally,” said Freddy, “how did you know how to make a boat and steer it?”
“There was a picture of one in the book you brought. And I… well, I accidentally ate some of the pages, so I guess it seeped into my brain.”
“Which book?” asked Theodore.
“Something called Moby Dick. About a big fish.”
“Oh my,” said Theodore. “Wally, do you know that you devoured a true masterpiece of American literature?”
“Hey, I only eat the best, blue dude.”
“Wally,” cried out Howie, “we’re heading right for the dam!”
“Well, shiver me timbers and don’t poop on me poopdeck,” yelled Wally. “Avast there ya swine, hoist the mainsail, batten down the hatches, rig the jig, mop the slop.”
“That line is assuredly not in Moby Dick,” said Theodore severely.
“Hey, the story needed some jazzing up,” replied Wally.
“Wally, the dam is really getting close,” yelled Freddy. As he looked up ahead he saw that the river had gotten so high that the water was pouring over the top of the dam.
“Uh, Freddy,” said Wally, “what exactly is a dam?”
Theodore answered instead. “A dam is typically an enormous wall built out of concrete that is used to hold back huge quantities of water for myriad purposes.”
Freddy added, “And if we go over it, we’ll be plunged hundreds of feet down into a raging abyss of water and rocks.”
“Clear something up for me, Freddio,” said Wally. “Is this plunging-into-the-abyss-thing bad?”
“YES!”
Si said, “Well, I’ve always wanted to plunge into an abyss of raging water and rock. Sounds exciting.”
Meese bopped him on the head.
“See,” added Si, “Meese thinks so too.”
“OhIthinkwe’reallabouttodie,” mumbled Curly as he looked ahead.
Wally said, “Okay, I guess we’re gonna have to go ahead and barely escape with our lives.” He took a deep breath and yelled out, “Hard to port! And I mean really hard!”
Freddy, Howie, Si, and Meese pulled with all their strength, but the current was so strong that they kept right on heading toward the dam.
“This doesn’t look good,” cried out Howie as he saw the water pouring over the dam. He pulled out all his cheese cubes and ate them. “Now at least I can die happy.”
Theodore saw the big tree sticking over the river and, using his enormous microchip brain, came up with a plan.
“Wally,” yelled Theodore, “grab that big tree now!”
Wally morphed out an arm, snagged the tree, and the purple Fry boat shot out of the water and into the air.
“Hold on, everybody,” shouted Theodore.
They flew across the surface of the water, heading right for the dam. Wally’s arm stretched and stretched. They sailed in the air over the dam, but right as Wally’s arm was about to snap off, he leaned to the left as hard as he could and they swung around and crashed onto the other side of the river. The boat came apart, and everybody just lay there.
Finally Freddy said, “Wally, you saved us. You’re a hero.”
Wally didn’t say anything. They all looked at him lying there, staring at the sky.
“Uh, Wally, are you okay?” asked Freddy.
“Got a problem, little dude,” he said.
“Are you hurt?”
“Nope. Bigger problem than that.”
“So what is it?” asked Freddy anxiously.
“I’m not hungry,” said Wally quietly, at least quietly for him – it was sort of at the level of a dinner gong. “All that work, and I’ve got no appetite.”
“Well, you did eat Moby Dick,” said Theodore, “And he was a whale.”
The laughter of Freddy, Howie, and the Fries probably could be heard for miles.
CHAPTER18
THE SPANKERS STRIKE BACK
After hiding in the woods for most of the night, Freddy, Howie, and the Fries made their way back to the farm very early the next morning while it was still dark. The police were gone, and so were Adam Spanker and his gang. But the barn still stank from Big Benny.
“I better get home before my parents miss me,” said Howie. He took off.
Freddy and the Fries went back to Freddy’s lab. “Okay, we have to get ready for the Founders’ Day parade. Nothing can stop us now, guys. I need to help my dad and sister get ready.”
“Can we come to the parade?” asked Ziggy.
“No, somebody might see you. But you’ve already helped rebuild the float. That’s plenty.”
When Freddy got to the farmhouse he was just about to sneak in when someone said, “Freddy, where have you been?”
He turned around and there was his father. Behind him and wearing a robe was his sister. She cried out, “We’ve been looking all over for you. We thought something had happened to you.” Nancy hugged Freddy tightly, and he thought he even saw a small tear in her eye. Then she pushed him away and said, “The police were here, you little slug.”
“The police? What did they want?” Freddy asked innocently.
“Something about a disturbance. They didn’t find anything, but Chief Spanker looked very upset,” said his father.
“Answer Dad’s question, Freddy; where have you been?”
“I’ve been in my lab working on some special stuff for the parade today. I guess I lost track of time.”
“A likely story,” huffed his sister.
“Now, Nancy,” said her father, “I’ve done the very same thing in my lab too. Okay, Freddy, go try and get some sleep. It’s going to be a busy day today.”
“Don’t worry, Dad, we’re going to win the competition,” said Freddy.
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” replied Alfred.
“Huh?” exclaimed Freddy.
“Now that the Guacamole Brothers quit we don’t have enough help to serve a lot of people. So if we win and the Burger Castle is packed, people won’t have a good time and they probably won’t come back. I’ve tried to get other people to help, but the Spankers have hired everybody in town who’ve ever worked in a restaurant.”
His father and sister went off to bed with glum expressions while Freddy just stood there, stunned. All that work, for nothing. Even if the Burger Castle float won, the Spankers were still going to get all the customers. He looked out the window, toward where his Fries were hidden in the lab. And then it hit him. There was only one thing left to do.
Freddy waited until he could hear his sister snoring heavily. Then he crept into her room, grabbed all the costumes out of her trunk, and put them in a bag he had taken from his room. He opened the window and threw the bag out. Then he raced outside, grabbed the bag, and ran to his lab.
Later that morning the Funkh
ousers loaded up their station wagon and hitched the Burger Castle float behind it. They had covered up the float with a big sheet of blue tarp so it would be a surprise to the crowd.
On the way to town, Nancy kept going over and over her lines from Shakespeare.
“If chance will have me king, why, chance may crown me,” she said in a deep, dramatic voice, quoting Macbeth.
“I’d like to crown you,” said Freddy, “with a hammer.”
She glowered at him and quoted from Romeo and Juliet, “I will be cruel with the maids. I will cut off their heads.”
“Dad,” complained Freddy, “Nanny Boo-Boo said she was going to cut off my head.”
“That’s nice, son,” answered Alfred. “You two play so well together.”
When they arrived in downtown Pookesville they pulled into the area where all the other floats were and unhitched their float from the car.
“Okay, Freddy,” instructed his father. “Nancy and I will head over to the Burger Castle and get things ready. You stay here with the float. We’ll be back in plenty of time for the parade.”
After they left, Freddy quickly ducked under the skirting that ran along the bottom of the float. He opened the trapdoor that accessed the hollow insides of the Burger Castle.
“Hey, Fries, you okay in there?”
Six pairs of eyes stared back at him in the darkness.
“A-okay,” said Si. “I love the dark. It makes me feel all cozy.”
There was the sound of chattering teeth. “I… I… I’m scared of the dark,” moaned Meese.
“Hey, I’m here to protect you,” said Si.
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” replied Meese.
“Okay,” said Freddy, “just stay in your hiding place. Once the parade is over, I’ll sneak you into the Burger Castle. Got it?”
“Got it,” said Theodore. “A remarkably vibrant plan you conceived, Freddy. Based on the Trojan Horse theory, of course.”
“Hey, I was going to say that,” complained Wally.
Freddy and the Fries couldn’t hear Adam Spanker and his father slip over to the Burger Castle float and lift up a corner of the tarp covering it. Their eyes widened at the sight of it.
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