A YIDDISH HAMLET
Page 3
You don't take your call yet.
PINCHAS
(in a fury)
Let me go. I must speak to the people. They think me, Melchitzedek Pinchas, guilty of this drek. My star will set. I'll be laughed at from the Hudson to the Jordan.
(struggling)
KLOOT
(impudently)
Hush, hush, you're interrupting the poesy.
PINCHAS
Who has drawn and quartered my play? Speak.
KLOOT
I've only arranged it for the stage.
PINCHAS
(flabbergasted)
You!
KLOOT
(with great assurance)
You said you and I are the only two men who understand how to treat poesy.
PINCHAS
You understand drek not poesy. You conspire to keep me out of the theatre. . . . I will summons you.
KLOOT
(imperturbably)
We had to keep all the authors out. Suppose Shakespeare had complained of you?
PINCHAS
(modestly)
Shakespeare would have been only too grateful.
KLOOT
Hush, the boss is on.
POLONIUS "He's coming. Now give it to him good."
QUEEN
"Will I ever?"
HAMLET
"Mother, mother, mother."
QUEEN
"Leave it to me."
POLONIUS "I'll hide behind the curtain."
HAMLET
"Something wrong, Mom?"
QUEEN
"Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended."
HAMLET
"Mother, you have my father much offended."
QUEEN
"Don't get fresh with your mother."
HAMLET
"Will you ever stop nagging?"
QUEEN
"Nagging. Now let me tell you . . . "
HAMLET
"I'm in no mood for fooling. You're going to listen."
QUEEN
"Let me go."
HAMLET
"Sit down. You shall not budge."
QUEEN
"Is this the way to treat your mother? I should die I have a son like this. Murder. Help. Help."
(Polonius stirs behind the curtain.)
HAMLET
"How, now, a rat?"
(Hamlet pulls his sword and runs Polonius through.)
POLONIUS
"Oi Vay!"
PINCHAS
(thunderstruck)
OI VAY!
(Pinchas makes a wild lunge, and is barely restrained by Kloot.)
KLOOT
Who's mutilating the poesy now? You'll spoil the scene.
PINCHAS
Liar, murderer. Word butcher. You promised me your wife as Ophelia.
KLOOT
Sure. The first wife I get, you shall have.
(Pinchas gnashes his teeth.)
KLOOT
I think you owe me a carfare.
PINCHAS
(icily)
Why is there singing in Hamlet?
KLOOT
Because it's Passover. You're a greenhorn. In New York it's a tradition to have musical plays on Passover. We only took your play as a Passover play.
PINCHAS
But Hamlet is not a musical play.
KLOOT
Yes it is. What about Ophelia's songs? That was what decided us. It only needed a little touching up by an experienced theatre person such as myself.
PINCHAS
But Hamlet is a tragedy!
KLOOT
Sure! They all die at the end. Our audiences are very compassionate. They'd be miserable if they didn't all die. Wait till they're dead, then you shall take your bow.
PINCHAS
Take my bow for your play!
KLOOT
There's quite a lot of your lines left, if you listen carefully. Only you're a poet and you don't understand stage technique. The idea was yours and was worth every cent we paid for it. Really, you're a genius.
(A storm of applause from the audience. The ghost cakewalks on stage and is confronted by Hamlet in mime.)
QUEEN
"I will not speak with her."
HORATIO
"Ophelia has gone meshugenah."
QUEEN
"Let her in."
OPHELIA
(tripping in)
I'm meshugenah,
Da, da, da,
I'm meshugenah,
Da, da, da,
Daddy's dead,
I'm out of my head. . . .
(Ophelia's song is accompanied by incongruous music. The play continues in mime. Pinchas continues to struggle with Kloot.)
QUEEN
(to Hamlet)
"That Ophelia's a pain. I always told you you'd have trouble with shikses."
(The play continues in mime, to roars of approval.)
HAMLET
(with a skull)
"Oi Vay. Poor Yorick, I knew him well, Horatio. A real joker. An unemployed comedian. . . .
(Finally Pinchas escapes from Kloot and runs on stage brandishing his cane.)
PINCHAS
Cutter of lines.
(whacking Hamlet with his cane)
Perverter of poesy.
(whacking Hamlet again)
(The audience loves it; cheers as Hamlet runs off.)
PINCHAS
Good people. I am the world famous poet, Melchitzedek Pinchas. This is not my play. This is not Shakespeare. This is drek! Drek!
(Kloot and other members of the cast drag off Pinchas.)
BLACKOUT
V. THE CAFE, NIGHT
It is later that night. Pinchas is sitting by himself in the deserted cafe. The bartender is polishing his glasses. Pinchas is sitting at a table.
(Enter the Heathen Reporter.)
REPORTER
Congratulations on your great success.
PINCHAS
(turning away)
Do not mock me!
REPORTER
But your Hamlet is a great hit. It's a sensation.
PINCHAS
It's a disgrace; a travesty! Poetry lies bleeding.
REPORTER
Well, you European intellectuals certainly take an odd view of things. I never laughed so hard in my life.
PINCHAS
You were not supposed to laugh. The play is a tragedy!
REPORTER
Maybe so, but I'd like to have a nickel for every ticket dollar that play will make.
PINCHAS
Bah! You're crazy. I'm going to stop them, no matter what. In the morning I will see Mendelsohn, the lawyer, and withdraw the right to produce my play.
(Enter Kloot.)
PINCHAS
You!
(rises and raises his cane)
Man of the Earth! Swindler! Enemy of Poetry!
KLOOT
Now you just hold on, there Pinchas--I've been looking for you all over the place.
PINCHAS
What do you want?
KLOOT
I came to give you your share of the box office.
PINCHAS
I don't want it.
KLOOT
The play's a hit. It will run for years. It's the greatest thing since sliced bread. You're a hero Pinchas! You're famous.
PINCHAS
I'm a laughingstock. And because of you.
KLOOT
Now, that's what I want to talk to you about. You've got to do that thing again.
PINCHAS
What thing? What are you talking about?
KLOOT
You've got to run on stage and fight with everybody. Just like you did tonight. That was the showstopper.
PINCHAS
Are you mad?
KLOOT
Crazy like a fox, my boy. People almost pissed their pants.
PINCHAS
I will do no such thing!
KLOOT
That's O.K. we can have an
actor playing you do it.
PINCHAS
I will not allow it! This whole travesty will stop tomorrow. I am going to Mendelsohn and he will put an end to this murder of art.
KLOOT
Say now Pinchas, don't kill the goose that laid the golden egg.
PINCHAS
It will stop, I say.
KLOOT
Look here, Pinchas, here's $163.25-
PINCHAS
(turning)
I don't take bribes!
KLOOT
Bribes! Hain't no bribe. It's the author's share of the box office.
PINCHAS
For one night?
KLOOT
That's right. And, this play of yours, with a little help from yours truly, is likely to run a thousand and one nights as the saying goes.
PINCHAS
(musing)
A hundred and sixty-three dollars!
KLOOT
And twenty-five cents.
PINCHAS
It's more than I made in the last year.
KLOOT
And there's more where that come from. You are already being hailed as the comic genius from Warsaw.
PINCHAS
(unbelieving but flattered)
I am?
KLOOT
Damned right. What I want, what Goldwater wants, is another tragedy from you. He's ready to pay $200.00 in advance.
PINCHAS
Two hundred dollars!
(controlling himself)
No-I will not do it! I will not debase my art for any amount of money.
KLOOT
But . . .
REPORTER
But Mr. Pinchas, you're throwing away the opportunity of a lifetime. Not only will you get rich, but your fame, as the comic genius from Warsaw, will be jeopardized.
(Pinchas scowls. Putting his hands behind his back, he walks around in a circle considering--he waves his right hand muttering "On the one hand" then his left--"on the other hand" in considerable uncertainty. Finally, nodding to himself, he decides.)
PINCHAS
All right. But on one condition.
KLOOT
What's that?
PINCHAS
I will give you my Yiddish Caesar. I will let you butcher it to your heart's content. I will let you produce my Hamlet.
KLOOT
I'll treat it with the greatest respect. But what's your condition?
PINCHAS
My condition is that you don't try to stop me when I run on stage and beat Goldwater to death!
KLOOT
(thinking hard)
Well, you've got a deal.
(winking at the audience)
PINCHAS
Action is greater than thought.
KLOOT
(aside)
What do I care what happens to Goldwater?
CURTAIN
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Document creation date: 2009-06-24
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