Brace for Impact

by Becky Harmon

  “It’s been good. I’m still learning some of the ropes, but so far it hasn’t been too much of a challenge.”

  “I didn’t figure it would be. You were always the technical one. Deidra here,” he patted Deidra’s shoulder, “she was our emotional one. You girls brought such joy to your mother and me. Never forget how much we loved you and be good to each other.”

  She felt the tears well in her eyes again and quickly wiped them away. Deidra, too, was fighting back the tears that threatened.

  “We won’t, Dad. You and Mom taught us better than to take each other for granted,” she said, smiling at Deidra.

  When Deidra nodded her agreement, he lifted the remote and turned the volume back up on the television. She watched as he drifted back into his closed world. The pats he was making on Deidra’s shoulder slowed and then stopped. His eyes slowly closed and his head fell to his chest. The rhythm of the rise and fall of his chest was hypnotizing; Dex couldn’t pull her eyes away.

  “How we doing in here?” a nursing home attendant asked as she walked in. Her hair was pulled back in a tight bun and her round body was covered in brightly colored scrubs.

  “We’re okay,” she mumbled and Deidra nodded.

  “You’ve been sitting up long enough, Mr. Alexander,” she said loudly, ignoring the fact that he was asleep. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

  She pushed his chair closer to the bed and easily pulled him into a standing position. His eyes were open, but Dex wasn’t sure he was seeing anything. The attendant maneuvered him back onto the bed and then tucked him in with a sheet across his legs.

  “Stay as long as you want, girls. We’ll be bringing him dinner shortly.” She bustled back out of the room as quickly as she had arrived.

  “I’d like to stay and help him eat his dinner. If that’s okay with you?” Deidra asked.

  She nodded. How could she say no? She wanted to be back at her condo with Lucy, but she also wanted to be here.

  “We can stay as long as you want.”

  Dex took up a position on the opposite side of the bed from Deidra as a male attendant delivered the evening dinner tray. It was still what Dex would consider late afternoon, but Deidra had explained they feed this wing early since they were early to bed. She tried her best to make Deidra laugh, hoping their father was hearing at least some of their conversation. Deidra worked her way through the tray of mashed vegetables and some unidentifiable meat. The attendant had called it chicken potpie, but it was too smashed for her to identify.

  When Deidra was happy with the amount of food their father had eaten, she put down the spoon and pushed the tray away. Dex watched as she cleaned his face gently with a nearby washcloth. They each kissed him on the cheek and left together. Deidra barely made it to the lobby before dropping into a chair and putting her head in her hands.

  A nurse Dex had seen previously approached quickly and took a seat beside Deidra, dropping an arm across her shoulders.

  “Today was a good day,” the nurse said softly. She glanced up at Dex. “I’m Susan.”

  “Nice to meet you, Susan. I’m Dex. Deidra’s sister.”

  Susan nodded. “I’ve seen you here before. Your father had a good couple of hours today.”

  “Yes,” Deidra sobbed.

  “He’ll be okay where he’s going and you girls will be fine too. The cycle of life will continue to turn. We all play our part and there’s nothing you can do to change any of it,” Susan reminded them.

  Although Dex didn’t want to think about all of that, she agreed with everything Susan was saying. They were heartbroken when their mother passed, but life had continued to move. Deidra would be deeply saddened when their father passed and then her family would build her up strong again. Deidra had so much to look forward to in her future. Her sons were growing up and soon they would have families of their own.

  What did she have to look forward to? She sighed. Life. Life was what she had to look forward to. Her life would be everything she made it to be. She didn’t have to sit back and just let things happen. She could, would, make an effort to have what she wanted—a family of her own, someone to come home to every night or at least at the end of the week. No, not just someone. Lucy. She wanted Lucy in her life. Tonight, she would make sure Lucy knew that too. Doing her part and telling Lucy how she truly felt was the best thing she could do to move them forward.

  And if Lucy didn’t want to share her life?

  She would worry about that when she had to, she decided. She wasn’t ready to give up without a fight, though.

  Chapter Twenty

  Lucy pulled the Niagara Falls moose from her suitcase and tucked it into the pillows at the head of the bed. She had done this every night since she bought it. Except, of course, the night Dex had stayed with her. She had also purchased another suitcase in order to be able to carry it until she returned home. To say she was disappointed at how things had turned out was an understatement. She wanted to curl into the bed with her moose and sleep away this nightmare.

  Dex had been everything she had hoped she would be, but today reminded her that life seldom worked out the way she wanted it to. She refused to let today be another wash to the memories of the losses in her life. Her father’s memory was always sitting at the edges of her mind no matter which direction she turned. She would always miss him, but the feeling of loss had faded slightly during her time with Dex.

  Dex. She still wasn’t sure what had happened at the airport. She sighed in defeat. There was a small part of her that was relieved Dex had walked away. She liked to think that would make forgetting her even easier. That didn’t stop her from looking every few minutes at the phone lying on the top of the dresser. Had Dex left her a message? One that explained everything? Did it matter?

  No, because relationships weren’t for her. She knew that. At the same time, she knew she was a different person than she used to be. The new Lucy needed people in her life.

  She turned on her phone and listened to the message from Dex. After reading the text messages, she stared at the phone trying to decide how to respond. Did she want to go to Dex’s condo? Yes, of course she did. But the last twenty-four hours had taught her that maybe she wasn’t ready to be in this type of a relationship. Her feelings for Dex were too intense. Maybe a little time would help her put things in perspective. And give Dex time to explain who the woman at the airport was.

  For now, though, she would work on building the other relationships in her life. It was a weird feeling to want someone to be with, especially when what she was thinking about wasn’t about sex or spending the night with someone but about hanging out and sharing a laugh. For the first time in her life she wanted companionship. She wanted someone in her life who wasn’t a lover.

  After making a few calls, she checked out of the hotel and took a taxi back to the airport. Her boss had been only too happy to give her two weeks off when she called, and so she was heading home. Sheila and Karen would be around for support, she knew, and Dan would arrive first thing Monday morning to begin the construction on her kitchen. She felt in control of her life again. Her final task was to send Dex a text message. Her words were simple. My plans have changed.

  * * *

  Dex waited until Deidra dropped her off that evening to respond to Lucy’s text. Her sister felt bad enough already about pulling her from the airport. She didn’t see a need to tell her that Lucy had decided not to spend the weekend with her. She dialed Lucy’s number again as she dropped onto the couch in her living room, the words Lucy had said to her when they were in Niagara Falls echoing in her head: “People aren’t dependable.”

  She couldn’t help feeling that she had let Lucy down. Although she hadn’t meant to walk away from her at the airport, Lucy had been left to fend for herself. Not to imply she couldn’t. She had been doing that for years. Only counting on herself and no one else. But that was part of the problem. Lucy couldn’t see herself with anyone else.

  She wondered where Lucy had gon
e. Did she get a hotel room? Did she go back home? Their short conversation about where they each lived hadn’t given her enough information to be able to track Lucy down. She wasn’t sure she would if she could. After all, until Lucy told her how she was feeling, she couldn’t do more than apologize again for what happened at the airport.

  When Lucy’s voice mail picked up she made a quick decision to leave a detailed message. Lucy deserved an explanation and if she wasn’t ever going to be able to talk with her directly again then a message was the next best thing. She explained that Deidra was her sister and that their father had been ill. His good day had led Deidra to whisk her off to visit him. She was sorry and regretted immensely how all of that had happened. She asked her to please call when she could.

  She waited all evening, hoping Lucy would call and they could work things out. She was more than willing to go to Lucy’s hotel room to be with her. When she awoke the next morning still sitting up in the living room chair, she realized Lucy wasn’t going to call. She had blown the chance she had with her without even meaning to.

  * * *

  Lucy waited until Dan was hard at work before leaving him to the destruction of her kitchen. Today he would remove all the old cabinets and the flooring. Tomorrow he would begin the installation. He estimated he would be finished by the end of the week and she couldn’t wait. She was really glad he had brought another worker with him for the demolition today; it meant she didn’t have to feel obligated to offer her assistance. She got out of the house and gave them space to work.

  She had talked to Sheila when she arrived the previous night and Sheila was expecting her. Karen was at work and she needed some help with her garden. Though maybe that was only an excuse to get her there. She didn’t care. She wanted to spend time with them. For the first time in her life she could say she had friends and it felt good. She had listened to Dex’s message earlier and she desperately needed a distraction. Her head ached from trying to figure everything out.

  Bogarts appeared at the fence as she got close to Karen and Sheila’s house. She spoke softly to him and he brayed back occasionally. Having his large body walking beside her brought comfort and she reached through the fence to pet him. He stopped walking and pressed his body into the wire separating them. The fur on his back wasn’t as soft as the short hair on his head and muzzle, but he seemed to like the backrub the best.

  “Did you miss me, buddy?” she asked him.

  He answered by pushing harder against the fence.

  “I’m not sure what to do anymore. I was so close to having something with Dex. I don’t know exactly what it was, but it was good. She didn’t do anything wrong, but I ran. Just like I always do.”

  She scratched behind his ears. Resting her chin on top of her other hand that lay on top of the fence post.

  “Do you think I should call her?”

  Bogarts gave a soft bray.

  “I thought so too. I’ve acted like an ass, though. I’m not sure I know how to apologize. And what if she won’t forgive me? What if this time I’ve pushed her away for good?”

  “Well, you won’t know until you try,” Sheila said from behind her.

  She turned quickly, surprised to find another human listening to her conversation with Bogarts.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I heard your voice from the garden where I was working and came to see what was happening. It seems you and Bogie are having an interesting conversation.”

  Lucy shrugged.

  Sheila motioned toward the garden. “Want to come help me and get answers to your questions?”

  She laughed. “Of course. What can I help you with?”

  “My back has been killing me. Probably all the bending over in the garden. I need to get these bags of soil spread around. If you do the lifting and dumping, I’ll do the spreading.”

  “Sounds like a plan. Just show me where to dump.”

  She worked silently, wondering how much of the conversation with Bogarts Sheila had heard. She expected Sheila to pepper questions at her, but she had remained silent too. For possibly the first time ever she wanted to share what was happening in her life and get someone else’s opinion. She knew from the few times she had been around Sheila, though, that she wouldn’t offer advice without an invitation.

  “So how long had you been eavesdropping on me and Bogarts?” she joked.

  “I heard enough to know there’s a woman involved.”

  “Yikes. I hate the sound of that. But yes, my life has been reduced to figuring out what’s going on with a woman.”

  “Want to tell me what happened?”

  “We had planned a weekend together and she was whisked away by another woman. It turned out to be her sister,” she added quickly.

  “So what’s the problem?”

  Lucy sighed as she dumped the last bag of soil where Sheila directed. “When I heard her explanation about her father being sick, I know I should have called to see how she was, but all I could think about was the rug of happiness being pulled out from underneath me again. I was just starting to believe in the possibility of something good between us. How could I not have known something so important was happening in her life? I thought I knew her.”

  “My guess is that you don’t.”

  She glanced in surprise at Sheila.

  “Well, do you think you do? You just said you thought you knew her.”

  “No, I guess I don’t,” she said with resignation.

  “Why does that make you sad? You might not know her right now, but that doesn’t mean you won’t get to know her. That’s what the future is all about. Do you want to know her better?”

  Lucy sat down in a grassy spot at the edge of the garden and Sheila joined her.

  She did want to know Dex better. She had made that decision several days ago. Maybe everything that happened at the airport hurt more because she had made that decision. She had decided to allow herself into a position of vulnerability. And then she felt burned.

  “Lucy?” Sheila nudged her back to the conversation.

  “I do want to get to know her, but what happened at the airport reminded me what might happen between us if things go bad. That if I open myself up to her, she could hurt me even more. It reminded me of the mantra I have lived my whole life believing. You can’t count on anyone. People let you down—even when they don’t mean to.”

  “Oh, Lucy. That might be true, but it’s also part of life. People aren’t perfect. If you never take the chance, you’ll never experience the joy of loving and being loved.”

  Lucy pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her head in her hands. How had she lived her whole life without facing this issue? She knew how. She had never met anyone she cared enough about to take this chance.

  “I can’t tell you that you have to take this risk,” Sheila continued. “But I can tell you about the joy you’ll find if you do. I can’t imagine my life without Karen. She makes everything in my life better. Even the bad stuff.”

  “But what would you do if she left tomorrow? How would you survive? Especially since you’ve experienced things so good?”

  “I’d be heartbroken and, honestly, I’m not even sure how I’d get through, but I know I would. That’s one of the joys of life. It continues to move and evolve.”

  Sheila stood and reached out her hand to pull Lucy to her feet.

  “Enough philosophy. Let’s go get some lunch.”

  Lucy laughed. “That sounds great.”

  Sheila put her arm around Lucy as they walked toward the house. “Love is never easy and the sooner you stop expecting that the better off you’ll be. But it’s always worth it.”

  “Couldn’t resist one last cliché, huh?”

  “I swear to you it’s the last one.” Sheila laughed. “But seriously, it is the truest one. What you gain from giving your heart is more than anything that would be taken away from you if you lost it.”

  “How many times were you in love before you met Karen?” She w
as pretty sure she knew that answer since Sheila and Karen had begun dating in high school.

  “Once. Believe it or not,” Sheila said with a wicked smile. “I was in the sixth grade and he had the curliest hair I’d ever seen. His mom was in the military, so they were just passing through. He was only here for a few months. Our life together wasn’t meant to be.”

  Lucy punched her lightly on the arm. “Seriously. I know you guys started dating in high school so how can you be so experienced about love?”

  “Well, aside from the romance novels I read—lesbian, of course—I know that my life would never have been this good without Karen. In fact, I don’t even want to consider what it might have been like.”

  Sheila pushed Lucy toward the kitchen table and began pulling food from the refrigerator.

  “We had chicken last night, so how about chicken salad?”

  “Sounds great. Thanks for feeding me. I’m not sure the amount of labor I’ve put in deserves food.”

  “Oh, don’t worry. We still have a few hours to work this afternoon.”

  “What else would you like help with?” She knew she had dumped the last bag of soil.

  “Bogarts needs a bath.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “That sounds like fun.” She really wasn’t sure what bathing a donkey would look like.

  “It’s not too bad, and I’m hoping with you there that he’ll be much more cooperative. We’ll scrub his body with some shampoo stuff and then brush his mane and tail.” Sheila explained as she mixed the chicken salad and toasted the bread for their sandwiches. “Can I talk you into staying for dinner?”

  “No, I guess not. I should get home before the contractor leaves so I can talk with him.”

  “Karen will be disappointed.”

  “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I’m here for two weeks. I took some time off to finish the remodel in my house and decided to take the week of Christmas off too.”