Gently pushing the stuffed animals and frames to the side of the mattress, he pulled down the covers and laid Landon down. The kid never woke.
Cassie’s deceased husband, Kyle, stared at him through a dozen picture frames throughout the boy’s room. Memories of a deeply loved man swirled between all these toys, promises from a father to a son dashed, and the idealistic childhood taken away.
“I’m so sorry, kid,” he whispered.
With quiet steps, Renner descended the stairs to see Cassie hugging herself and staring out the window. Her shoulders had scrunched up to her mid-neck again. Tense and pale.
He had no idea what to say. There were no words for some things. His first instinct was to wrap his arms around her, make her relax and feel comforted. Everything about her posture said don’t touch me.
Renner sighed, and shoved his hands in his pockets. And waited. Her eyes caught his gaze in the reflection from the window.
“Thank you,” she finally said with a shaky breath. “Those emotional outbursts of his have been happening more often, ever since…”
“Completely expected,” he answered for her. “You’re doing great.”
Cassie blinked several times, and pursed her lips. Probably swallowing her emotions as hard as she could manage. “I don’t have the heart to tell him that Clipper Campgrounds will probably close before next spring. This was his last camping trip out there.”
Renner shrugged. “There are other camping places around here.”
“This was supposed to help him get away from everything. Do something fun.”
“It won’t be the last time he has fun. Kids are more resilient than you think.”
She bit her lip and watched the rain slow to a drizzle. She was only an arm’s length away, but the space between them felt as wide as an ocean.
As he watched the storm of emotions fill her body, he desperately wanted to find a way to cross that ocean, pull her out of it.
To be happy.
“Do you want me to stay, Cassie?”
Her pause clawed at his heart. What hurt worse was that she didn’t even look at him. The word no was only a heartbeat away.
Whenever she said it, Renner’s stomach would swallow him whole.
“Yes. Until I fall asleep,” she finally replied, her eyes full of hope.
CHAPTER TEN
Cassie
Sleeping in Renner’s arms on the couch confirmed the feelings she’d been swallowing. He had a magical way of settling her. Pulling together her frazzled nerves, and waking her up from her depressive spiral. He forced her to see the colors in life.
There was no denying it.
Breathing him in throughout the night was like an opiate. More than just taking the edge off—he chased the storms away.
Two things bothered her.
First, was it Renner who made her feel like this, or just someone filling a space? A need. A body to cushion herself against, to take the place of Kyle, even only temporarily. If that were even possible.
Second, any kind of relationship was too soon. Deep in the back of her mind, a nagging voice wouldn’t shut up.
Too soon.
Give yourself time to grieve.
Yet the human spirit could only take so much darkness before the internal lantern would snuff out. Every now and then, the light had to be refueled. Cassie had been crawling through a black tunnel the last six months, running on residual light gained from energy drinks and late night memories.
At some point, the rain had started again and pelted the roof and windows. She cuddled deeper into his arms, his body warm and strong against hers. The rain lulled her to a drowsy doze. Until Renner’s hard-on pushed against her bottom. She shifted, but it only lengthened and grew harder. And warmer.
He inhaled, slow and deep, and pressed into her.
Is he still asleep?
Then his arms wrapped around her, hugging her, with one large palm covering her breast. Even through her clothes, her skin flamed.
A hot swirl pooled low in her gut, then moved to between her thighs.
Even in his sleep, he knows how to arouse a woman.
“Renner?” she whispered.
He didn’t answer.
Cassie pressed her lips together, and tried to turn in his arms, to shimmy out from underneath him. When she made it to her back, his grip tightened and he groaned, low and sultry in her ear. The sound caressed her skin.
Renner burrowed his lips against her temple, laying soft, sleepy kisses on her skin. Her heart fluttered.
She turned her head to say something, to wake him. His mouth instantly covered hers. His tongue grazed along her upper lip, then suckled it between his teeth. Along with sucking the gasp from her lungs.
Oh God, the taste of him. Sweet, spicy, and ridiculously hot. Her mouth involuntarily opened for him. Before she knew it, she was kissing him back with everything she had. Her leg wrapped around his knee, and her hand caressed up his neck. His short hair felt like feathers under her fingertips.
She had no idea she’d wanted him this bad.
From her racing heartbeat, fiery cheeks, and throbbing center, clearly her body screamed for it. At this point, her subconscious didn’t care if he was still asleep, and acting out a dream.
She certainly was.
His weight shifted over her, his body like a heavy, comforting blanket. The rigid length between his legs pressed against the junction of her thighs.
Everything pulsed. Her head, her heart, and especially her sex. His hand slipped under buttocks, and he squeezed, pulling her harder into his frame.
Simultaneously, his tongue dived deeper into her mouth, licking every crevice. Cassie moaned against him, and dragged her fingernails down his scalp.
Renner growled, the vibrations echoing down her throat. They resonated through her chest.
Lightning flashed, but thunder didn’t register in her mind. All she could hear was his moan and the adrenaline rushing her ears. Her body sparked, as if it could feel color. The hot reds, intense pinks, and the delicious hazel of his eyes.
His eyes. They were open now. Staring down into her, watching her body react. Writhing and squirming, begging for more.
She reached down and grabbed a handful of his ass, grinding his pelvis into hers.
His tongue grazed along her cheek to her ear, and devoted his expert attention to her lobe. Renner’s hot breath on her neck swirled the insane colors over her head in tandem with more lightning, dancing across the ceiling.
Her head fell to the side, and she bit her lip.
His hand moved up, underneath her shirt and settled over her breast. His palm massaged the straining peaks against her bra.
Everything was so intense, so dizzying, she nearly burst right then.
Another streak of lightning illuminated the room.
Looking back at her from the picture frame on the coffee table was Kyle’s face. Where her son had left it, next to the plate of blueberry muffin crumbs.
Cassie gasped. She nearly choked on a half-scream.
Renner’s head shot up, and he lifted his weight from her body. “Did I hurt you?”
Shame stole the power from her voice, so she shook her head. The image of her dead husband’s face staring at her while she nearly lost control with another man might as well have been a truck load of ice burying her alive.
Mortified didn’t even begin to cover it.
Cassie shoved herself up from the couch, pushing Renner off and onto the cushions. Anything to get out from underneath him. Away from the incriminating scene. She covered her face as she escaped to the corner of the room.
“What’s wrong?” His cheeks flushed with arousal. He stood from the couch, sporting a thick erection pushing against his jeans.
One she’d encouraged. One she’d nearly given in to.
Humiliation clawed at her throat, swallowing her words. Until she didn’t have to say anything, because he looked down at the photo on the table.
“Oh shit,” R
enner whispered.
The ultimate ‘oh shit.’ Cassie hugged herself, her skin now covered in goosebumps, and her body shaking.
“It’s okay, Cassie,” he cooed. He grabbed the frame and moved it to the kitchen, setting it face down on the counter. Then he switched on the overhead lights.
“Turn them off,” she squeaked. “Turn off the lights!” She couldn’t bear to see his face. To be seen like this, on the wake of a disrespectful act.
“It’s just a picture.” His voice was soft, an attempt at soothing, but it was the last thing she felt. “He’s not here.”
“Yes, he is,” she croaked. “He was just here. I swear I felt him.”
The grimace that flashed on Renner’s face was a mixture of disgust and agony. “That was me. You felt me.”
“You need to go.” Cassie croaked, and her throat closed in on itself.
He shook his head. “Don’t do this. Don’t shut me out.”
“Go!” she breathed. More like wheezed. Then, it was hard to inhale, and her chest caved in on itself. Her fists clenched, and her vision narrowed to a dark tunnel.
She pushed her back against the wall, to brace herself.
Slowly, Renner’s image slid, and she looked up at him from the floor.
His lips moved, but she couldn’t hear a thing.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Renner
Another anxiety attack. This time it was one hundred percent his fault. His twisted stomach wouldn’t let him forget it.
Cassie had slid down the wall, her body completely closed off. Her eyes glazed over, and everything about her turned rigid.
He called her name, lifted her stiff form to the couch and began the routine of opening her up. Her hands, her arms, her jaw. All the while, swallowing the debilitating embarrassment of getting caught by her former husband’s picture.
Renner had never done that—felt up a woman in his sleep. Started something his body desperately wanted to finish, without his mind knowing. He hadn’t even been fully awake and aware of what was happening, until Cassie had scraped her fingers down his scalp. That woke up him, and sent his dick into overdrive. It’d been impossible to take his eyes off her.
She was so alive. So passionate. So heartbreakingly beautiful.
So much better than the other dreams—nightmares—that had plagued him for months.
Dammit, he’d never wanted a woman more.
Then it hit him. Was she even awake? Was she dreaming? Imagining her husband, only to realize he wasn’t Kyle?
He shook his head. Her eyes had been open at that point, in the middle of their almost-consummation, staring back at him. She had to have known.
This was about the picture frame.
Slowly, Cassie’s body relaxed, and her eyes registered him sitting next to her.
“Hey there.” It was the only thing he could think of to say.
So stupid.
“Where’s Landon?” Her voice was airy, and exhausted.
“Still sleeping.”
Cassie sat up and flexed her fingers. Then she dragged her hair away from her face. Her gaze landed on everything in the room, except Renner.
He swallowed down the disappointment, more painful than he’d expected.
“What time is it?” she asked.
“Almost four a.m.”
“How long…this time?” She still refused to look at him, now hugging herself and staring at the carpet.
“Just a minute.” His erection still raged, in full retaliation against his mind. “Have you talked to someone about medication? Anti-anxiety or something? You know, with a professional?”
“You mean, like you?” Her voice cut him hard.
I thought we’d already crumbled those stereotypes.
She winced. “Sorry. I’m not angry at you.”
“You’re beating yourself up. But you don’t have to.”
Cassie sighed, and he could feel her pulse accelerate just sitting beside her. The whole room tensed again. She turned her head toward him, but she still didn’t look him in the eyes. Her own turned glassy. “You need to go,” she whispered.
His heart squeezed in on itself. Renner reached for her hand, the one that’d been gripping her thigh. She pulled away, and his heart shredded. “Are you sure you’re not going to have another panic attack?”
“Thank you for everything, Renner. You don’t know how much what you’ve done has meant to me.” She stood and went to the hallway. “But this is over.”
He tightened his jaw. “You’re seriously going to torture yourself over being attracted to another man?”
Cassie didn’t respond. She didn’t need to. She was locking herself up, and shutting down.
After he’d opened her up to the possibility of something else. Something new.
The connection between them had been unmistakable. At least, in his mind. They’d sparked. To the point where everything had become clear, and the woman standing in front of him, this incredibly strong, resilient, loyal, hot-as-hell woman was the only one Renner could see himself wanting.
“Please, tell me you felt it.” His voice was barely more than a murmur. Because any louder, and she might shut down completely. “Tell me that connection was there for you. Because I’ve never felt that instant click before with anyone.”
And you’re about to rip it away from me.
She swallowed, and her cheek muscles flexed. Like she was biting back a response, hard.
His shoulders sagged. She wasn’t ready. Letting go of her husband’s memory wasn’t something she could do. He sighed. More as a way to keep from dissolving at her feet.
Renner stood, grabbed his keys from the counter and strode past her to the front door.
Her silence cinched his heart.
He opened the door, but stopped at the darkened, puddled walkway. He closed the door and turned to her.
Her face lifted to his, her eyes glassy.
“I’m just going to say it, because I know I’ll never get the chance again. We’ve only known each other, what, three days? But I’ve fallen in love with you, Cassie.”
Her eyes widened, just as a tear fell to her cheek. She quickly wiped it away, and still didn’t respond.
Renner shrugged. There was no other explanation. “I’ve never been more sure of my feelings than right now. And it’s terrifying. I have no clue if you feel the same way, but none of that matters, does it? Because I met you too late.”
Cassie started to tremble.
He desperately wanted to walk over and hold her against him. Breathe in her sweet scent, and show her a life full of color, laughter and love. But he glued his feet to the floor. “In another time, another life, I would’ve asked you out to dinner. And then more.” Her pained smile tore his heart further. Because he meant every word. “I want more with you. Much more. But you can’t even admit you want someone else. That it’s okay to want someone else. Not until you’re ready to let him go.”
“Renner,” she whispered.
He glanced over his shoulder.
Her cheeks were wet, and she took a shaky breath. “You met me too soon.”
A lump caught in his throat. “Let me know when you’re ready to start that new life. If you want me.”
*****
The infernal knocking on the front door to Renner’s apartment didn’t stop for a full minute. Despite his best attempts to ignore it by covering his head with the pillow.
The raging headache after downing a bottle of Tennessee Red was an ominous sign of the rest of the day.
It wasn’t nearly as bad as the pain in his chest.
The kick was that the liquor had failed to chase away the nightmares, too.
“Renner, it’s Dorian.” His friend’s muffled voice made him groan. “Open up.”
“Go away,” he screamed at the door, and instantly regretted it. The pounding seared through his brain.
“It’s five o’clock, man. When did you turn into a vampire?”
“I don’t care what
time it is.”
“Don’t make me use the spare key, man. Duane asked me to check on you. Said you were talking squirrelly.”
Only a pansy man would use the word squirrelly. Renner threw the covers over his head, praying Dorian would leave.
The unmistakable sound of a key turning in his lock made him cuss.
“Shit, man. Did you bring the party back to your place or something? You got a girl in there?”
The only girl I want, won’t have anything to do with me.
“Come out here, shithead. I don’t want to see your naked ass in that bed.”
“Then leave.” He forced himself up anyway. Renner threw on a t-shirt and a pair of workout shorts. He scraped his fingers through his hair, willing the pounding to end.
Painkillers. I definitely need painkillers.
He could hear Dorian scrounging around the kitchen for something. By the time he’d left his room and turned the corner, Dorian already had a plastic cup of water on the counter for him, with two pills beside it. The hard-ass stare on his old Marine buddy matched well with his pristine suit and tie. Complete with rough stubble on his face.
Most women swooned over the dark, devilish look, but only made him want to punch the asshole. “What’re you doing here?”
Dorian nodded at the empty bottle of whiskey. “Figured you’d need these after you clearly destroyed that precious puppy.”
Renner downed them.
“What’s her name?” he asked, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed.
He glared. Then got more water.
“You weren’t this messed up after your principal got killed. Has to be about a woman.”
Renner threw his cup in the sink. “Why the hell would you bring that up?”
“Bury yourself in work. That’s the trick.”
“Not if former friends keep talking about it.”
Dorian threw him a smile, then moved to the living room. “Get dressed, pal. My client’s friend needs a date. Totally into jarheads.”
Renner pinched the bridge of his nose. “Pass.”
His friend put the empty whisky bottle and glass into the sink, and started straightening up the place.
Tell Me What You Want: Knights of Texas Book One Page 7