by Dow, Candice
He didn’t mention Yasmin or the verdict until we sat at the table. When he spoke, I already knew what he was thinking. “I’m happy but it’s hard to see her like that.”
“I know. It was hard for me too. It really upset me when she said I’m a hypocrite because I do believe in girl power, but I don’t believe women should use their power to be manipulative.”
He reached across the table and held my hands. “That’s why I had to make you mine. You don’t think like most women. You have your own philosophy. I think every woman in the world needs to hear what you have to say.”
“Yeah, but sometimes it’s discouraging because it’s only the women who want better that will read my books. All the others think that what they’re doing works. It actually hurts when I see women in the way of their own happiness. Staying stuck in a situation or absorbed in regret. It will tear you apart and you’ll spend months and years angry, instead of just letting go.”
“Right, and I would have never tried to get custody of Caron if she hadn’t tried that disappearing shit. I can’t have my son in an unstable situation.”
“Honestly, none of it is healthy. You know you don’t want to strip a child from his mother, but you don’t want a bunch of inconsistency either. It’s just so hard.”
He nodded. I knew this was hard for him. It had to be challenging to see someone you had once loved and thought you’d spend the rest of your life with acting like a crazy person.
After breakfast we went furniture shopping. We’d been slowly decorating the house. We’d had an interior designer come in and we were pretty much done with the first level. A lot of the pieces and art had yet to come but when it did, the house was going to be fabulous. We were moving my living room furniture from the family room into the study. The sixty-five-inch flat-screen TV was going into the man cave in the basement, so Cameron wanted to find another one. He was so obsessed with electronics it drove me crazy.
We went to a kids’ furniture store to buy Caron’s bedroom set. When we got there, I started to feel like this would be too much change and I said, “Cam, maybe we should just move his furniture from your town house?”
“Nah, I plan to keep that place for times that I may want to crash there.”
“That’s cool, but if Caron will be in school out there, you’ll have no reason to stick around in Atlanta until late.”
“Yeah, maybe, but I still want to get him something new.”
“This is my professional opinion, not something I’m pulling out of a hat. I think that would be too much change for him. A new house. A new woman in his life. A new bedroom set.”
Cam looked at me like I was a lunatic for saying these things. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he asked.
Up until this point, Cam had never spoken a harsh word to me. I was shocked and didn’t know how to respond. I wasn’t sure I should respond, because clearly he was tripping.
My bottom lip sat paralyzed for a second waiting for an apology, but he just shook his head. I turned around and walked to the car. I sat there waiting for him to come out. I understood that he was also dealing with the pressure associated with the change and wondered how all this would work. I was sure he had a bunch of worries and concerns that he wasn’t capable of expressing, but there was no need to take it out on me. Still, when he came out of the store, he didn’t have an apologetic expression. He said, “Let’s go.”
I sat in the car with folded arms. I didn’t want to be bothered. Here I was taking the only morning I had in the office to be there for him and he snapped at my professional opinion. Cool. Don’t ask me shit else! My mind was racing and regretting and reconciling. Then I told myself there was no need for all this. The first altercation or harsh words in a relationship were probably the hardest to deal with. I worked with couples every day and knew they all fussed and fought, but it didn’t feel good coming from my Prince Charming.
I stared out the window, hoping to soak up some wisdom from the sun. The longer we were silent, the more questions swirled through my brain. Finally he reached over and put his hand on my thigh. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken my frustration out on you. I’m really excited about getting Caron and I just want him to have a fresh start. Everything new.”
I nodded. That is where most parents make their mistake. When kids have a major transition, the last thing you want them to do is have everything new. They need to have something familiar.
“I know how you feel. I was just offering my professional opinion.”
“But I didn’t ask for your professional opinion. I want to buy something nice for my son. I can afford it. What’s the problem?”
“No problem,” I said absolutely.
I was done with it. He wasn’t paying me for my professional opinion so I was going to keep my mouth shut.
We didn’t talk for the rest of the ride to the radio station. When he pulled up, he said, “I’ll be back to pick you up. I have to go settle everything with that land auction and I’ll be back.”
“If you’re not done in time, Aaliyah can pick me up.”
“I’ve already won the auction. I just have to hook up with my investors to pay it off. No longer than a few hours.”
I still had an attitude, so I shrugged. Whatever. I’d rather ride in the car with my sister than deal with his nasty disposition. I set one foot out of the car and he grabbed my arm. “Love you, hear?”
I smirked. “Yeah, love you too.”
“Give me a kiss,” he said, leaning toward me.
I gave him a peck and got out of the car. All my wisdom was telling me not to be upset, but I couldn’t resist it. I walked into the station and saw Quentin and he could tell something was wrong. From the day I’d met Cameron I had been beaming, and today there was a dark cloud over me. I questioned everything. I’d initially believed Cam’s ex-wife was the primary issue, but here his son hadn’t even moved in yet and I was being confronted with the biological parent overprotection issue.
In most blended families, the biological parent overprotects the child, forcing the stepparent to feel like an outsider. I had thought Cam was too rational for that, and I prayed for this to be a one-time occurrence, but a large part of me knew it wasn’t. I knew I was in for a wild ride.
Quentin said, “Are you OK?”
I nodded. “Yeah, what’s up?”
“What happened today?”
“Why?”
“We’re getting a bunch of messages about you guys getting custody of Caron.”
I took a deep breath. “What do you mean, messages?”
“A bunch of listeners want you to discuss how you can be a girl’s girl and take this woman’s child away.”
“Quentin, please tell me you’re lying.”
He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Ayana, I’m not. I don’t know what else to do. I think you’re going to have to address it.”
“Why?”
“Your followers want to know and you have to address it.”
If Cam and I had been in good spirits, I would have felt better, but instead I wanted to throw my hands up and say, “Fuck it.” I had no idea how I was going to broach the subject.
When I opened up, I said, “Good afternoon. I promised not to discuss my relationship on air, but today I think it’s important for me to clear things up. I met my husband, Cameron Small, nearly four months ago. And we’ve been married now for three weeks. He and his ex-wife were in a custody battle before I met him. I am merely supporting him. I have no intention of taking anyone’s child. I believe that children should have a healthy relationship with both parents. If at all possible, I think parents should try to make it work for the children. And if that isn’t possible, I feel that both parents need to work hard at making the breakup as seamless as they can.”
Phone calls began to come through, and I wanted to be sure I answered each question with absolute compassion and as politically correctly as possible. This girl was crazy and she was out to ruin me. I was thinking I’d made
a big mistake.
Some women called with complete support and others defamed my character. It was a pleasure to hear my best friend Mandy’s voice. She said, “Ayana…honey.”
The second I heard her voice, I could feel her arms telepathically surrounding me and my emotions welled up. “Is that you, Mandy?”
“Yes, Ayana. I’m just calling to say I don’t know who started these rumors, but I’m calling to tell all your listeners that you are the most committed person I know and even if it’s to your own detriment you are going to do what’s right. I will go to my grave defending you because you are girl power. You are truly every woman’s best friend and that is not a role. That is real. I love you. Keep your head up.”
I said, “Thank you, Mandy. For all of you wondering, that is my best friend Mandy from Martini Mondays.”
The power of a best friend can’t be compared with anything. I would have broken down if I hadn’t had my sister and my friends. At the end of the day, whether this marriage was a bad decision or not, they were going to be there. Several of my friends had sent text messages inviting me for drinks. My girls were slowly cheering me up. My real listeners were down for me too. I gave it to God. He knew one way or the other what was best for me.
As soon as I got off the air, I walked into the lobby and Aaliyah was there. She said, “You OK, Sister?”
“Yeah, you didn’t tell Ma, did you?”
“Nah. I didn’t tell anyone. As soon as I heard your intro, I dropped the girls off to Mom and headed right down here. I knew you were hurt; I could hear it in your voice.”
I hugged her. “Thanks, Sister.”
“You know I’m here for you.”
“Yeah, I know. I just had a really rough morning, and to come in here and deal with this…it just threw me.”
She laughed. “Yeah, but you’re strong. This too shall pass.”
“Yeah, after I get a divorce.”
Her neck snapped back. “Ayana, noooooo.”
I gave her the no-bullshit look. She said, “Wait, Cameron is a good guy and you know it. I’m certainly convinced.”
“Why are you so convinced?”
“When you first started seeing him, I asked anybody who was somebody about him and all I heard were good things. This is just an obstacle.”
I told her about how he’d snapped about the furniture. She said, “Honey, all men snap when they’re under pressure. You just have to gauge when you should or shouldn’t challenge them.” I laughed and she shook her head. “I think a wise psychologist told me that.”
“Theory is one thing. Reality is completely different.”
“Yeah, but the advantage that you have is that you know all of this. You just have to put it into play. Imagine all the women out here like me who have to figure it out for themselves. Some people learn a day late and a dollar short of a good guy.”
As we walked out of the station, I noticed Cam parked outside waiting for me. Aaliyah said, “Go talk to your man, girl. I just came here to have your back.”
“Thanks, Sister.”
Aaliyah walked to the car with me to speak to Cam. He jumped out of the car smiling. He hugged Aaliyah. Cam joked, “Y’all are definitely a package deal. You upset one then you gotta deal with the other, huh?”
Aaliyah laughed. “Yeah, ask Stan. He’ll tell you. When I’m mad, she is too, and vice versa. So don’t play with us, Cam.”
He ran his hand down my face. He was speaking to Aaliyah, but didn’t take his eyes off me. “I’m not. I know your sister is a blessing and I respect that.”
“And get that wild animal in check before I have to put her in the zoo.”
“You got it.”
He pulled me to him and hugged me tight. He whispered in my ear, “I will never hurt you. OK?”
“Yeah, I know.”
Aaliyah said, “A’ight, y’all. Ayana, call me if you need me.”
Cam gave Aaliyah a handshake. “I love it,” he said, smiling.
I gave Aaliyah a hug and she got in her car and drove off, leaving Cam and me in the parking lot alone.
He said, “Let’s go home and have a quiet evening alone.”
When we got there, away from all the noise and negativity, I didn’t question why I was with him. In fact, I couldn’t imagine being without him. He held me until it was all better and I was more than prepared to battle the haters.
Yasmin
In a million years, I would never have imagined that Cam would turn out to be this much of an asshole. I felt like he wasn’t the man I’d known. I refused to pack any of Caron’s clothes. I didn’t give a damn whether Cam had bought them. Since I wasn’t voluntarily giving him up, I didn’t think it was fair. If they wanted him, let them restock his wardrobe and everything else. I let him put a few toys in his backpack only because he pleaded. I tried to assure him that he was only going for the summer.
“Now that Dad is married again, does that mean I have a new mommy?” he asked.
I pressed hard on the brakes and looked at him. “Hell no! I’m your only mother. You hear me?”
He nodded his head and I repeated, “You hear me?”
“Yes, Mommy.”
The thought that he would be living with another woman brought tears to my eyes. “You OK?” he asked.
“Listen, Caron. I am your mommy and I love you. Nobody can replace me. Nobody.”
“Yes, Mommy.”
“And you call her Ms. Ayana. Don’t ever call her Mommy and nothing like Mommy. OK?”
“You think she’s nice?”
I ignored him because I didn’t think it was healthy for me to tell him what I thought of her. I figured I should let him make his own determination. One thing I knew for sure was that Cam loved Caron without limit and wouldn’t let anyone harm him. So I wasn’t necessarily worried about that.
What bothered me most about the situation was that in thirty days my child support would cease. Plus, Caron was my primary hold on Cam and if he took my baby and swept him up into his own little world with his new wife, I would just be background noise. A part of me wanted Ayana to be good to my baby, but another part of me wanted Caron to hate her. I was torn about whether I should plant seeds to make him hate her or not.
I pulled into the police station. Cam and Ayana were already sitting in the lot. My heart sank and I suddenly hit the brakes before turning into a parking space. Anxiety smothered me and my heart started beating faster. I began taking deep breaths to calm myself. Then anger crept in. I wanted to jump out of the car and start swinging a bat at both Cam and Ayana. They were out to hurt me. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t understand. The sheriff told them to stay back as he approached me.
I finally stepped out of the car. “So what, you’re just going to pull him out of the car and give him to these thieves?”
“We’re hoping to do this in a peaceful fashion, miss,” the sheriff said.
Caron opened his car door, excited to see Cam because it had been months. My eyes shot to Caron. “Didn’t I tell you to stay in the car?”
“But I thought you said—”
“Caron, close that door.”
He sat back and the sheriff touched my shoulder nicely. “I know this is hard. It’s hard for any mother. But look at it like this: it’s America, you can always appeal a decision and change things. But today, we are going to hand him over to Mr. and Mrs. Small.”
He spoke very gently and kindly to me. He looked in my eyes and made me feel respected, as if he understood, not like everyone else in the situation who had treated me like the dirty gum on the ground.
“You think it’s a possibility I can get my son back?”
He touched my shoulder again. “It’s a long process but you have to keep fighting. You ready?”
I nodded.
“Does he have any luggage or other personal belongings?”
“No, sir, just what he has on and a backpack.”
He didn’t question why that was and I wondered if it was typical with pa
rents forced to hand over their children. I walked to the passenger-side back door and opened it. Caron peeped his head out with a big cheesy grin. My eyes filled up. He said, “Mommy, it’s OK. I’m coming back.”
I nodded. I had made him think this was temporary but to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t sure. Cam had married his quack psychologist and I was certain she could find a bunch of her colleagues to prove that I wasn’t mentally stable. This whole situation had me feeling dizzy and helpless, like I wasn’t protected by the court system.
The sheriff said, “Say bye.”
Caron sprinted to Cam. “Daddy!”
Cam picked him up and swung him around and Caron laughed loudly. I stood there staring at Ayana, who was smiling at Caron and Cam. I thought about yanking her weave out but I knew I’d be locked up and I wasn’t down for that. The sheriff went over to them and said something and they got back into the car and pulled out of the parking lot, leaving me standing there with tears streaming down my face.
The sheriff noticed that I was paralyzed and walked back in my direction. “That’s your only?” I nodded as my lips trembled. “It’ll be OK. You submitted your appeal yet?” I shook my head. “Make sure you do that ASAP.”
As he headed back into the building, I said, “Hey, can I ask you a question?”
He turned. “Yes, you need my phone number.”
I laughed at his flirtation. “Nah, actually I wanted to know if you think I should change attorneys for the appeal.”
He shrugged. “I’m not sure. It all depends on what judge you get on a particular day. It’s a gamble, but one worth taking.”
“Thanks.”
He handed me his card and said, “If you have any questions, just let me know.”
We both started laughing because he was clearly coming on to me. I looked at the card while I sat in my car. He was rather attractive and I had been so caught up in handing Caron over that I’d pretty much ignored his advances, but as I played the tape back in my mind, it was obvious that he was interested.
I went to work afterward and when I walked in, there were flowers at my station. Momentarily I imagined it was the sheriff but that would have been too fast. I quickly yanked the card out and they were from Tayshawn.