The Ex-Wife

by Dow, Candice

  Two days later, I showed up to pick Caron up from the sheriff’s department. Cam looked shocked to see me when I stepped out of the car. I waved at him, but he sent Caron across the parking lot alone. I looked at him and asked, “So when is the baby coming?”

  He got back in his car and didn’t respond. I felt rejected. It frustrated me that I had put myself out there and acknowledged his new baby and he’d treated me like some trick off the street.

  I wanted to run over and knock his windows out and ask him if he was hard of hearing. Instead I took long, deep breaths like my therapist had suggested I do when I got angry. By the time Caron got in the car, Cam had peeled off. Caron shook his head. I could tell that our lack of communication was taking a toll on him. He seemed to be getting angrier every week. Maybe it was just a part of his growing up but there was something else going on with him. It could be the new baby that was making him feel neglected. I couldn’t put my finger on it. No one in that house seemed happy. Maybe Ayana had them both in a trance. Maybe that was a part of her psychotherapy.

  Caron sat in the car and I asked, “What’s wrong with you?”

  “Nothing. I don’t see why I can’t go to school at my old school next year.”

  It was his last day of school and he was already thinking about the next school year. “But I thought you liked the new school.”

  “I like my other school better. I don’t know why Dad and me can’t live in our old house. I don’t like Ayana’s house. I want to go to school with my other friends.”

  “That’s your dad’s and Ayana’s house.”

  He snapped, “I don’t care whose house it is. I don’t want to be there.”

  “I thought you told me that it was so big and you had your own arcade,” I said with a little exaggeration, as he had when he’d told me about it.

  He said, “I don’t care. I don’t want to be there anymore.”

  “OK, Mommy is working on you moving back with me. Is that what you want?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You don’t want to live with your dad anymore?”

  “I do.”

  I said, “So how are you going to live with me if you want to stay with your dad?”

  “I want us all to live together.”

  “What about Ayana?”

  He hung his head, like he knew he was wrong. He said, “I don’t care.”

  I wanted the same thing he wanted and neither of us had a clear plan to get there. The fact that Cam wasn’t even talking to me meant that we had a long road ahead if we were going to get to our destination. I looked at Caron. “I’m going to do my best.”

  Ayana

  Seven days after my due date I was ready for the baby to drop. My doctor planned to induce me within the week, but he wanted me to have a sonogram first just to check the baby’s size. He called us to come in the next day to discuss the sonogram charts.

  When we sat down in his office, I felt a little nervous because he started talking like something was wrong. He said, “I had every intention of inducing you on Friday and had no reason to think you couldn’t have the baby vaginally, but…”

  There was a long pause and my mouth dried. Cam reached for my hand as if he could sense my fear.

  “Your baby’s shoulders are disproportionate to his head.”

  My eyes shifted from side to side. The doctor was talking about my son as if he were some kind of abnormal creature. “What do you mean?”

  “His shoulders are wider than his head.” He demonstrated with his hands spread far apart. “If his head comes out and we’re unable to get the shoulders out, we may have to break his collar. If there is any nerve damage, it’s possible that arm will not grow.”

  Cam said, “So what are our options?”

  “The safest option is a C-section.”

  I’d been planning for the birth for so many weeks. I wanted to have the baby naturally and this was really blowing me. I said, “So are you saying I need to have a C-section?”

  The doctor clarified, “No, I’m not saying you need to have a C-section. The decision is ultimately up to you. I will tell you this, if the head comes out and the shoulders get stuck, I will not break his collar, we will do an emergency C-section.”

  I looked at Cam, unsure of what I wanted to do. Should we press our luck? The gamble was just too risky, it seemed.

  The doctor said, “It looks like he’s around eight pounds, nine ounces. This is not completely accurate, give or take a pound. Either way, he’s a big baby. If he were a little smaller, I would probably say we’d be OK, but with that size and the width of his shoulders, I’m just not confident it would go smoothly.”

  Cam interjected, “Doc, if it were your baby, what would you do?”

  “C-section. No question about it.”

  Cam looked at me. “That’s what it is. I don’t want to live with regrets.”

  Still not completely convinced, I asked the doctor to explain again what we’d do if the baby got stuck. Cam looked at me confused, as if I’d undermined his decision, but I needed to be clear. The doctor said, “I will not do any tugging and pulling. If the baby doesn’t come out, we’ll do an emergency C-section.”

  Cam looked at me and said, “Are you serious? You’re really not considering taking that route. Are you?”

  “I’m just trying to understand everything.”

  “What more is there to understand than it may be dangerous to have the baby vaginally?”

  “What if everything is fine?” I asked.

  “Optimism is good in some cases, but not this one.”

  Wondering if I should just accept what was being handed to me, I covered my face and took a deep breath. It was a little too late for a second opinion. So I agreed to a C-section. We were scheduled for two days later.

  I checked into the hospital at six in the morning. Cam carried the baby bag. My mother and Aaliyah met us there. They put me in a pre-op room that seemed too small for me and my three people. It was like the projects of labor and delivery. The nurse hooked me up to the IV. The anesthesiologist came in to discuss the procedure and had me sign the releases.

  Shortly after eight in the morning my doctor showed up. “Are you ready?”

  “As ready as we’re going to be.”

  Close to nine they rolled me into the operating room. I was only allowed to have one person with me, but because my doctor had delivered Aaliyah’s kids, he said she could come in also. I was grateful he allowed that since I was missing out on the rest of my family being there to experience labor with me.

  The anesthesiologist put the needle in my spine and within minutes, I was numb from the neck down. The doctor then began the procedure. Cam was videotaping, and once the doctor cut me, the nurse instructed Cam to only shoot from the chest up. That was a little scary. What were they doing down there that they didn’t want on camera?

  Suddenly I felt a tugging. I couldn’t actually feel the pain. But it was like someone was pulling on my body. The doctor said, “Wow, he’s really high up there.” Speaking to me, he said, “Ayana, he’s coming.”

  The baby came out with a little mousy cry. It was almost as if he were struggling. Aaliyah said, “He’s here, Ayana.”

  The nurses took the baby to clean him up and the doctor continued to put me back in place. As I lay there, I felt nauseous. I couldn’t sit up and vomit. I was scared that I was going to throw up and choke. What if I died on this table? The anesthesiologist must have recognized the struggle in my eyes. He said, “Are you OK?”

  “I feel like I have to throw up.”

  He lifted my neck up and rubbed my hair. He was so gentle. I could hear Aaliyah and Cam adoring the baby. I was anxious to see him too. The nausea went away almost as suddenly as it had come. Minutes later the doctor was done patching me up and the nurse brought the baby over to lie on my chest. It was love at first sight. I kissed his head over and over again as they rolled me into the recovery room.

  My mother came in shortly after we got ther
e. My little Ethan lay calmly on my chest, as if he knew I was his mommy. The nurse picked him up and listened to his breathing. Her frown let me know something was wrong. She told me to let him lie on my skin to see if his breathing would catch the rhythm of mine. She explained that when a baby doesn’t come through the birth canal, he often doesn’t get prepared to take that first breath.

  After a few minutes of his lying on my chest, she checked again. His breathing was still too fast. She sent him to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit to be safe. Why did I have to part with my son so soon? My mother and Cam were able to go up to the NICU with the nurse. Aaliyah stayed with me while we waited to get a room on the labor and delivery floor. Another nurse came to let me know that Ethan was doing fine and he’d be coming to the room shortly after I got there.

  An hour or so had passed when the nurse came in to tell me that Ethan’s breathing was still too fast and he’d be spending at least one night in the NICU. Cam had been back and forth and I was jealous. The nurses didn’t want me to ride in a wheelchair so soon. They suggested that in a few hours I would be able to visit. When my friends came, Cam took them up to see the baby.

  My mother left to pick up Cam’s mother. There were so many people there but they kept leaving to see the baby. I felt alone. I knew it was for his safety, but I didn’t want him upstairs in the intensive care unit.

  At close to midnight, the nurse on duty asked if I had been up to see the baby. She got a wheelchair and called up to let the nurses know we were coming. I woke Cameron up so he could tag along. When walking into the unit, we had to wash our hands and present identification. No one was getting in who didn’t belong.

  Ethan was in a little subunit where the bigger babies were, but on our way to him, we passed itsy teeny little babies. Some you could tell were as small as two pounds, with tubes and monitors all over them. That made me sad as I imagined what their parents were going through.

  When I rolled up to Ethan’s little plastic crib, they told me it was time for him to eat. They had been feeding him by bottle but the nurse asked if I would be breastfeeding. Since that was my plan, she suggested we try it now. She picked him up to wake him and he squirmed a little and began to cry. After changing his diaper, she handed him to me.

  I had taken a breastfeeding one-day course so I was familiar with all the tricks they used to help the babies latch on. It was foreign to me but the nurse instructed me in how to hold him and position myself while simultaneously opening his mouth. Mr. Ethan latched on right away and sucked for dear life. Cam laughed. “Go ahead, man. Tell Mommy you missed her.”

  This was the first time that I’d really gotten to look at him. He was so precious and calm. He clung to me. His eyes began to close and the nurse suggested that I move him to my other side. It had been challenging even in my class to try to feed with the left breast, but just as the instructor had, the nurse said I shouldn’t get too comfortable with one breast, because when he really started eating I wouldn’t be able to produce enough milk from just one.

  After he ate, Cam sat down in the rocking chair beside me and held my hand as I held Ethan. Ethan was wearing a cute little undershirt that read ADORABLE. That was an understatement. I asked the nurse where his Onesie had come from. She told me the hospital had tons, that some were donated and some were left, and that they were kept clean for all the babies coming in and out. I looked in Ethan’s crib and noticed a white Beanie Baby. “Do they all get these?” I asked, reaching to pull it out.

  The nurse said, “Hmmm, I didn’t notice that. One of your family members must have put it in there with him.”

  I looked at the card tied around the little bear’s neck: ROCK-A-BYE BABY. My mouth hung open and I took long, slow, deep breaths as I passed the opened card to Cam. I was angry and I snapped at the nurse, “Is there someone here monitoring who comes in and out all day?”

  The nurse adamantly said, “Yes. No one’s getting in here without identification or one of the parents.”

  Cam said, “Well, some unauthorized person obviously came to see our baby and we have proof.”

  “What kind of proof do you have?” she asked.

  We ended up telling her that Cam’s ex-wife had been harassing us and had made a statement or two in the past similar to what was written on the card. The people who had visited that day knew that ROCK-A-BYE BABY was a touchy subject. None of them would have put that on the card.

  The nurse went to the front desk to get the visitor log for us and there were no random names listed as visitors for Ethan. She then called security to discuss the issue. They asked if Cam was willing to look at the footage to see if we recognized anyone. Cam agreed and I stayed with the baby. I didn’t want to leave Ethan’s side. If that meant I had to sleep in a damn wheelchair all day, that’s what I’d do to protect him. This whole experience had let me know that anyone can get to you if they are really determined to. It was frightening. As I sat there with Ethan on my lap, I was really rethinking the whole idea of being in the public eye. I just wanted to be a good mother and a good wife in peace. Everything else could fall by the wayside at this point.

  Cam returned with no resolution. Cam looked at me and said the unthinkable: “Could it be someone we’re close to?”

  I shook my head. “I know my family and my friends. They would never, ever do anything to hurt me.”

  I could see that Cam doubted that in that moment, but I knew it had to be his ex-wife. She was the only person who wanted us to fail. She was the only person threatening the life of our child. The legal system was bullshit. A restraining order was senseless when you ordered a crazy person to stay away. The law doesn’t mean shit to a person determined to make your life miserable.

  Cam did not leave the NICU for the next twenty-four hours, until they finally brought Ethan down to stay in the room with us. We were there three more days, and I was so happy to be going home I didn’t know what to do, but I felt safe because there would be no intruders in my home.

  Ayana

  A fter being home with Ethan for four months, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be an overachiever anymore. When Cam landed a group of investors prepared to proceed immediately with development for the Blake’s Overlook project I was ecstatic. If things worked out as Cam projected, we would walk away from this project fifty million dollars richer. It had been extremely tight over the past few months for us. And while I didn’t make nearly as much money as Cam, all his income was going to retaining the land. I wanted him to sell the Bentley, but he felt that investors wouldn’t take him seriously if he were driving a less expensive car. I decided to give him a year to work things out. If there was no return or at least another investor I wanted him to sell the land. He had a bunch of other properties that had gone into foreclosure, but he was committed to this land. He believed the project was big enough to sacrifice everything else. We butted heads on that a lot.

  As we dressed in preparation for the groundbreaking party, I was happy he hadn’t listened to me. He kept saying that we were doing well but we weren’t wealthy. I felt differently, but his plan was to leave wealth for generations to come. This project alone would guarantee that, but knowing Cam’s mind he’d be looking into the next big thing now that this project was going well.

  I wore a black fitted one-shoulder dress. Of course I had on a tight girdle underneath to bind my baby weight. Once I was dressed, Cam looked at me the same way he had when we first met. My hair was pulled over into a side ponytail. I’d had a makeup artist come to do my hair and makeup. This was the first time I’d felt beautiful in over a year and Cam looked as if he really noticed and appreciated my effort.

  On our way to the party, he touched my leg and smiled. He said, “This is what it’s all about.”

  “Yeah, I agree.”

  He was dressed in a black tux and we were headed to the Hyatt in midtown. When we got there, we were among a small group of investors and contractors. Groundbreaking was scheduled for the following day. It felt so good to be o
ut, drinking wine and conversing with new people.

  At one point people began to make toasts, thanking others for their involvement and faith in the project. Finally the group shouted, “Cam, Cam, Cam, Cam.”

  I smiled as my baby stood there blushing. Before he started speaking, he motioned to everyone to be silent. He began at the moment he’d discovered the property was up for auction and described how he’d gone to sleep and had a vision. He said even with the real estate market being in the dumps, he’d known this was what he was born to do. He thanked all the investors and promised that everyone would walk away in the black, repaid ten- to twentyfold. Then he turned to look at me. “They say behind every good man, there is a good woman. I have an amazing woman.” Everyone clapped. He continued, “When I met this woman, I told her on our first date, I felt like God sent her to me. I think she thought it was just game. But I knew from the second I laid eyes on her that she would be a partner and friend unlike any other. This past year has been hard. There have been times when I didn’t think we’d ever break ground on Blake’s Overlook, but she had my back with a smile and encouraging words. You can’t invent a person like that with all the science in the world. Ayana Small, you are my dream.”

  My eyes watered and I patted them with my fingertips. I didn’t want to mess up my makeup. Cam came over and kissed me on the mouth. When I looked at him, I noticed that his eyes were watery too. He was so good to me.

  After the party was over, I wanted to make passionate love to him. He held me tightly in the elevator. I felt his penis and it was rock-hard. I wanted him to take me right there, but I knew it would be too much to peel off my undergarments. On the ride home, I pulled his penis out of his pants. I was proud of him and I wanted him to know it. I was impressed with the man he had been to me over the past year and a half. He was everything, and I wanted to show my appreciation. I bent over and put his penis in my mouth. He smelled so good and tasted even better. He moaned, and I could feel the car slowing down as if he couldn’t concentrate. My head bobbed up and down as we rode down the freeway. There would be no mess in the Bentley, because I swallowed his pleasure with joy. He thanked me and told me how much he loved me.