Love's Joy

by Emil Toth

  Jacob’s announcement came as a surprise to Sharika. She thought over his request. “I am honored you would consider me. I know it is going to rankle a great many men. I know they will complain because I am not a Kahali. Are you prepared to stand firm if I accept?”

  “Yes. I am sure you saw your friend, the chief of your people, make decisions not well received by his people. It is inevitable and impossible to make everyone happy. I am selecting the best person for the position. Had you been a native I would have chosen you over Janos for the first apprentice position… Please keep what I have told you confidential.”

  “I understand.”

  “So, my dear Hun, what is your answer?”

  “Knowing my acceptance is going to bring men my way to complain, I accept. I can deal with them as it occurs. The important thing is your trust and value of me. I deeply thank you for it.”

  “You have shown you deserve it. I want you to be present at the next council meeting, where I am going to announce my appointments.”

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  The High Priest, Kaathi, was discussing elements of spirituality with her apprentices, Ashlee and Scarlet. She noticed the questioning look on Scarlet’s face and patiently waited.

  “I have heard the words happy and joyful mentioned in the Spiritual Awakening sessions. What is the difference?”

  “The difference is significant, and it can be a little confusing. Many people use the words to describe the same event or feeling. Happiness usually comes from things outside of yourself. Joy comes from what you experience internally or from your spiritual life experiences.

  “I like to think in terms of happiness coming about from being the best at something, whether it is a footrace or being excellent at baking. It can be felt with good health or good fortune or the birth of your child. It can also occur when you find something you lost years ago or when an estranged child comes home and mends their relationship with you.

  “One of the problems in defining joy is how it overlaps with the understanding of happiness. The birth of a child can bring about happiness. It can also be a deep spiritual experience, which gives you joy. It can also apply when you and an estranged son finally bury all the reasons why you were separated and you acknowledge your love for each other. I prefer to use the word joy to describe my internal, emotional and spiritual moments, which often includes my interaction with another person or being.”

  A woman’s voice outside the hut called for Kaathi. She went to welcome the woman in and showed her to a seat.

  “I think you know us. What is your name?”

  “Zelda.”

  “How can we help?”

  “I have attended a few of your spiritual services. I was hoping I could talk to you and you could help me. I am twenty-four and all six of my relationships have ended disastrously. I am getting tired of trying to find the right man. What can I do?”

  “I believe Scarlet has had some personal experiences in this area.”

  Scarlet smiled to put Zelda at ease. “I was born and lived in Homar until I settled here after King Edmund wanted to destroy Kahali. Homar was a male dominated society. Our fierce fighters devastated their opponents in contests to acquire more wives. My mate was not strong or good at fighting with poles and it was the way for men to claim more wives. Because of his ineptitude, I was his only wife. Our marriage was arranged by our parents and his parents were rich enough to have literally bought me. He was typically not appreciative of me, and I was not a happy woman. He wanted another wife who would like him. To acquire another woman he had to participate in the annual contests. He had erroneously misjudged his abilities and died from a blow he received in his first contest to acquire another wife.

  “I was twenty at the time, and the next year I was going to be placed in the open market for the winners of the fighting contests. I was aghast I would be put there to be fought for like a prize. I was distraught and knew I had to do something to avoid it. Some deep part of myself told me to repeat an intention over and over. My intention was one sentence: I am deserving of marrying a man who appreciates and loves me.”

  “You are married to Jacob, right?”

  “I am.”

  Zelda needed more information. “How long did you say the affirmation?”

  “I recited it every moment of the day, when my mind was not occupied with other things. I said it with all the emotion I have in me. I kept saying it for nine full moons and Jacob came to Homar. I fell in love with him the first time I saw him and wanted him to take me back with him as a second wife or his lover. He did neither because he was already married.”

  “If I remember right, you were taken in by his wife, Keri, when the Homar Armada arrived.”

  “You are correct.”

  “By the way, I thought Keri was insane to do it. Getting back to me, what are you trying to tell me?”

  “I am telling you you must change how you think and what you believe. It will also create a new future for you. By creating an affirmation you believe in, it will bring you the right man. Your affirmation must initiate with the words – I am.”

  Zelda’s mind was whirling with different ways to form her affirmation.

  “Your affirmation worked for you. Can I use it?”

  “Of course. You must remember to have faith. It will change your attitude and life and it will bring you the right man. Remember you must say it with as much emotion as you can.”

  “And you say I need to say it continually when I am not otherwise occupied?”

  “Yes.”

  “For how long?”

  “As long as it takes, which might be ten days or ten cycles of the moon,” answered Scarlet.

  “I shall start as I am walking home,” said Zelda, as she stood.

  The High Priests hugged Zelda and sent her on her way with blessings.

  Ashlee looked at her friends. “How long do you think it will take her to materialize her man?”

  “She seemed earnest in her request for help,” observed Kaathi. “She knows the older she gets the more difficult it gets to have a man seek her hand in marriage. I would not be surprised if she was among the happy or joyful prospective brides at the ceremony next year.”

  CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

  The rain curtailed many outside activities in Kahali, and provided ample time for people to relax, be with family and share stories. Jacob, Gene and Janos were exchanging pleasantries. The energy in Gene’s hut changed dramatically the moment Janos brought up the subject of Kaathi’s anticipated trip to Nubilon, Homar, Ebiji and the Wanderer village.

  Gene, a member of the Ebiji village, sat listening to the conversation. His people were descendants of the Watusi tribe and he had inherited their tall stature. Because of interracial marriage they were not as dark skinned as their forefathers but darker than the Kahali. He was handsome and very thin, which was due to the weight he lost after the abuse he suffered at the hands of the mutants and never gained back.

  Gene interrupted Janos. “I am sure you know Kaathi has asked Evette and me to accompany her on the journey.”

  Jacob and Janos nodded.

  “Since she informed me, I have had six horrible nightmares about the trip.” Gene stopped and breathed deeply. “It has been more than fifteen years since the mutants brutalized us, and I still remember the terror of those few days, as if was yesterday.”

  Perspiration appeared on his forehead. He looked uncomfortable. “I would like to go on another adventure, but I do not want to see Carch. I enjoyed going on the last trip to Sumati with Scarlet and the others. I know Kaathi is going on this trip, but I cannot see the Wanderers.”

  He was having problems breathing. “I cannot talk to Carch and his monster mutants. I just cannot.”

  His hands were trembling. “Evette wants me to face my fears. I cannot. I am not as strong as she. The only reason I left my home was because of my love for her. I would have jumped off a cliff for her. She sensed who I was and understood me and never criticized me
for being emotional. She accepted and loved me. I could not have married a better or more courageous woman.”

  Gene stood and paced the floor. His armpits were wet and rivulets of sweat trickled down from them. His eyes changed; he looked like a pained, caged animal desperate and full of fear.

  His voice trembled as he recounted his ordeal, “I went with Evette to find her utopia. After a number of days out on the savannah, we saw humans in the distance. The moment we identified them as mutants, we knew we were in trouble. We started trotting to outdistance them. No matter how hard we ran they kept closing the gap. I knew what they would do to us, if they caught up with us. Me and my sweet, brave wife filled with so many ideals, were the hated Normals - their enemy. Fear drove us past our exhaustion point. They caught up with us and we could not put up any real resistance… I was terrified… They brutally beat us. At times, six of them battered me. They did horrific, unspeakable things to us.”

  He halted and covered his face to hide his tears.

  “I do not want to be sodomized again!” he yelled. “I cannot go,” he whispered and dropped in a heap on a chair.

  He set his elbows on his legs and held his head. “I cannot go,” he groaned. He burst into sobs and moaned over and over “I cannot go.”

  Jacob wanted to console him and say Kaathi would never ask him to go with her, if she did not believe him capable of handling the emotional stress. Perhaps she had misread his state of mind and emotion. Something prevented him from saying anything. He did what he saw women do to each other in such cases. He got down and wrapped his arms around his friend.

  A long while later Jacob and Janos emerged from Gene’s house and walked through the light shower to the meeting hall. Neither man uttered a word until they were seated.

  “I have never seen any man break down so completely.”

  Jacob nodded in agreement. “Few men have gone through what he has. I was there. I did not think he or Evette would survive the abuse they absorbed. Their faces and bodies were a mass of swollen bruises and cuts from fighting the mutants. They fought for their lives and the preservation of their minds. When the mutants came upon us, I saw Evette and Gene were bleeding from their genitals and anuses. They were a breath away from death. I believe, if Kaathi had not tended to them mentally and physically, they would have perished. It was a sight I never want to see again.”

  Janos questioned his mentor, “What should we do?”

  “I am at a loss for what to do. We gave him what little comfort we could; it is up to Kaathi to salvage his sanity. Do you want to come with me to talk to her?”

  “Of course.”

  At the Talker Healer’s hut, the men announced themselves and were greeted by Kaathi, Mara, Marie and Janos’ wife Sharika. Jacob spoke freely knowing her policy of including her apprentices in any consultation. Jacob covered what transpired and looked at Janos. “I think you covered everything,” said Janos.

  “Thank you for coming. Mara and I will go to him now.”

  Kaathi rose and embraced the men and they left. The two healers walked unhurriedly in the rain and came to Gene’s house.

  “Gene, it is Kaathi and Mara. Can we enter?”

  A long time passed before he answered, “Yes.”

  Both women saw how hard he was struggling to keep control of his emotions. Neither of them had seen him look so distraught since he and Evette were rescued from the mutants. They sat across from Gene. He sat with his head bent over and rocked without glancing up. Mara’s eyes were filled with compassion as she looked at Kaathi and raised her eyebrows in question.

  “Gene, Jacob told me how upset you are. I am sorry I did not properly word my invitation to join me on my trip to see the Wanderers. I thought I mentioned, when the skies were blue, you and Evette were welcome to come. I thought I was clear when I said either one of you could refuse and not come. All coming are doing it of their own volition. Do you want to talk about your reaction?”

  Gene did not reply.

  “Gene, I know you have been stuffing your feelings for a long time and not letting people know how much you are suffering. Every time I wanted to know if you needed help you refused. On the surface, you appeared to be handling the abuse well and were working at forgiving the mutants. I knew differently. I was waiting for you to exhibit the reservoir of agony you were holding inside you. Do you want to talk about it now?”

  Without looking up, he slowly shook his head. He released the grip he had on his hands and saw them shaking. He put them back together. He knew he had to do something or face the fact he could explode again over something someone would say. He opened the emotional dam as tears collected in his eyes.

  “All my life I have been told to act like a man.” He shook his head again. “I did not know what it meant, and I still do not know. I never felt I knew how to act like a man. I went through the motions and hoped I did the right thing. Most of the time, it did not suit my father.

  “When I met Evette, she never expected me to act any particular way. She accepted whatever I did. Even when she declared she was going to look for utopia I told her I did not want to go, and she accepted my decision. As her father started teaching her how to survive on the savannah, I knew she was committed. I could not lose the one person who loved me unconditionally. She is the only person to accept me and my strange emotions. How could I refuse her? The funny thing is I never believed we would find utopia.

  “The world changed the moment the mutants caught up with us. I knew the stories about their brutality and barbarism. I fought them for her first and myself second. It made little difference. Our resistance seemed to enrage them. The brutal degradation and shame they put us through was horrific and is something I am not willing to relive by going there.”

  He stopped, whimpered and put his head in his hands.

  “I realized you were much more sensitive than most men the moment we met,” confessed Kaathi compassionately. “With some men the feminine aspect is almost overbearing and the reverse is true with women. I received confirmation after confirmation you were living more from your feminine side than your masculine since I have known you. I have often wondered when you would unravel.

  “Your experience of being brutalized is difficult to conceal. You cannot keep such horror and terror hidden forever. I knew you buried your wounds deep inside you to keep from falling apart. The truth is Gene, you need to fall apart before you can put a better you together. It will not come quickly or easily. Mara and I will help you every step of the way.”

  He raised his head and looked at Kaathi and Mara. His voice trembled as he professed, “I am telling you right now, I am never going to visit the mutants.”

  Kaathi took his hand saying, “You do not have to do anything you do not want to, Gene. Consider the invitation withdrawn. Would you be willing to see me and Mara every fourth day to help you through this darkness? Our discussions would be held in strict confidence. We can meet at Batu’s tree”

  He mulled the question over.

  “We will be out at the tree tomorrow after the dawn meal.”

  Kaathi rose followed by Mara. Gene did not get up. He watched them leave.

  The village square was too filled with people and the two healers did not speak until they were in the Talker Healer’s hut. Kaathi spoke first, “The next time we get together I am going to relinquish being the therapist and have you conduct the consultations. I believe he associates me with the devastation he suffered. It may be he will not tolerate me as well as you.”

  “Are you sure it is what you want?”

  “It is. I will assist you if necessary.

  “What did you mean he was not able to act like a man?”

  “From what little he and Evette have shared and from what I have sensed in him, it appears he has struggled with his manhood his entire life. In the Talker Healer stories, there are accounts of men not comfortable in their bodies and women not comfortable in theirs. In each of us are cells identifying what sex we are. In many cases,
the proper division of cells is not there to help establish and solidify the mental and emotional person with his or her body. Gene is one such case.

  “In some cases the genitalia of both sexes is present to confuse and horrify the person even more.”

  Mara squinted at her mentor as if she could not believe what she had just told her. “I cannot imagine dealing with such confusion.”

  “It can be crippling. Gene has been confronting two battles. The first was to properly identify with emotionally being feminine and the second is what he was put through by the mutants.”

  “Which problem should I approach first?”

  “I would let your conversation determine which direction you proceed. Ask him what he wants to talk about. If he does not know, I would ask him questions about his dreams, fears, anger, shame and desires.”

  The next day Mara and Kaathi arrived at the tree and waited for Gene a long while. He appeared at the tree and the sessions with Gene started. At times, Kaathi smiled at the height difference between Gene and Mara the tallest and shortest people in the village. They slowly gained his trust. After some of the sessions, Kaathi offered suggestions on how she could have approached his hesitancies, fears and issues to get him to reveal more of what was troubling him. Kaathi helped Mara in guiding Gene to deal with his shame and anger, after being abused by Carch and the mutants. Mara’s confidence grew with each session. The fourth counseling session Mara acted as the lone therapist. Mara utilized Kaathi’s advice throughout the session. Afterwards, she went over what transpired with her mentor. The progress Gene and Mara were making assured Kaathi she would be able to make the journey and not concern herself how Mara conducted her therapy.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

  The season of blue skies heralded the journey for the peace keeping mission. Friends, relatives and well-wishers bade the contingent goodbye. The two dugouts moved upstream away from Kahali. The group would stop at the villages of Homar, Wanderer, Nubilon, Ebiji and Hun Nation. The trip arrangements were made more than a dozen years after the brutal deaths of Pauli and Sandor in Nubilon. The first canoe held Kaathi, Ashlee, Jacob and Elgar. The second contained Evette, Kacy, Sharika and Marcel.