by Tammy Bench
He paused, why the hell wasn’t he?
Man up and go tell her then…
In a moment of madness Tom opened the car door and put one foot on the freshly laid tarmac. This was the last place he had seen Alice. He had left her crying in the rain on the field to his right. He had walked away from her. Got into his car and drove out of her life. That wasn’t okay. The years didn’t matter…
‘What the hell are you doing?’ Neil tried to pull his arm back in. Tom was already out.
Neil jumped out of the car and ran around to face him, ‘No way!’
Tom pushed him out of the way and started walking towards the school. She was potentially only metres away from him. Why had he been wasting time in a car?
‘Don’t do it, Tom. You fucked her up. Don’t do it again. I’m telling you the truth man,’ Neil pulled his shoulder, his voice panicked, ‘Tom, after you left I saw her. I never told you. From time to time I actually saw her. She was walking around town with her friends and once on a bus to Oxford. She was bad. She looked like hell, skinny, pale and withdrawn. She looked lost…’
Tom stared at him hard and he could feel his body shaking, his hands making fists at his sides. He wanted to hurt something. Neil’s admission came at him like a punch in the stomach.
‘I couldn’t tell you, not with how you felt too. But you messed her up and if she’s at all happy now, please just leave it. For God’s sake leave her be…’ Neil backed away from him slowly and walked towards his car shaking his head.
Tom heard the door slam. He couldn’t move. His legs felt rooted to the ground.
Why was he so shocked and upset by that? Just because she was younger than him why did he think she would have so easily got over and forgot the connection they had shared? When he himself had found it so damn hard?
It was self-preservation. If he convinced himself that she was okay after he left then he would have been able to go on, move on and have a relatively normal life. But if he had let himself believe that she had been as scarred as he by their parting, then his whole life would be dominated by that guilt.
Someone walked past him – a man heading towards the school hall – he still didn’t move. He just let the darkness engulf his thoughts.
Moments passed.
The view in front of him offered him no solace. The school that had changed him was still trussed together by the same bricks and mortar. The classrooms that had their own heartbeat looked down on him. The shadows called out to him with a mocking, vivid reminiscence of their affair.
‘Did you have a good time?’ He heard a man ask as he stepped outside again, the same man from a few moments ago. Someone else was leaving. There had been a steady flow of half-drunk revellers for the last twenty minutes.
‘Yeah, it was fun.’
Tom’s head shot to the side. A ghostly hand ran up his spine.
Alice.
He’d know that voice anywhere.
He turned on his heal and sprinted back to the car. Jumped inside and shrunk down out of view.
‘It’s her,’ he looked over at Neil who also slumped down quickly.
‘You’re sure?’ Neil whispered.
Tom shot him a look.
‘Okay, got it.’
Tom lifted his head the smallest amount. Just to see their backs disappearing into an Audi Q7 a few rows in front of them.
Alice. Her hair was shorter just brushing her shoulders. But it was the same rich blonde colour. She was still tiny. Next to the tall man she was with it only made her shorter still. He willed her to turn around. He needed to see her face.
‘That’s definitely her?’ Neil whispered again.
‘Yes,’ Tom replied never taking his eyes from the other car. Their lights turned on and their engine started, ‘They’re going – follow them,’ Tom looked over at Neil, ‘What the fuck?’
Neil was sat ducked down. Now donning the night vision goggles and fiddling with the buttons on the side. Tom grabbed the goggles off his head, ‘Drive.’
‘Okay, drive,’ Neil confirmed his instruction.
They pulled out behind the large 4x4 and tried to keep their heads low.
You’re tailing a married woman – to what end?
What had he been thinking? This was a crazy idea. She was in the car in front with her husband. This wasn’t some game that he still had a stake in. It wasn’t a film where the hero (him?) saves his long lost love from a drug lord husband or abusive lover. He wasn’t Gabriel Oak or Mr Darcy. He didn’t own her anymore… he never did. He wiped his hand over his face and sighed, letting his head fall back against the headrest. He wasn’t doing this.
‘When we get to the main road turn in the direction they don’t,’ Tom said sombrely.
Neil looked over at him but he was already looking out of the passenger window.
‘Good call, Tom. It’s the only call,’ Neil patted his leg lightly.
‘Yeah, I know.’
‘Did you see that guy she’s with now?’ Neil tried to lighten the mood, ‘sweatpants and everything – what a…’
‘It’s alright, man. I’m alright.’
They pulled up behind the Audi at the junction. Its right hand blinker started flashing. Neil turned on his left. They were waiting for a gap in the traffic. Suddenly the passenger side door of the Audi opened and the interior light shot on.
‘Shit,’ Tom whispered in the darkness of the car.
Alice jumped out and hurried to the back of the car and the boot popped open.
She was in front of them, a bonnets length away from him. He needed to hide but couldn’t look away. He couldn’t breathe, think or move. All he could do was watch it unfold in front of him.
She pushed open the boot with her slender arms and reached inside. She took out a warm looking coat and slipped it on quickly. Her profile was so beautiful. She was her, the same, and he loved her.
‘Shit. This time we’re screwed. Quick put the night-vision goggles on they’re big enough she won’t see your face behind them,’ Neil suggested, ‘actually scrap that you’ll look like a serial killer.’
Tom wasn’t listening.
I love you.
Alice reached up to the handle, it was a stretch and closed the boot with a gentle slam. The red brake lights illuminated her body now and he could really see her. For the first time in fourteen years she was physical again.
She turned towards their car and put up her hand to them and with a small smile mouthed the words ‘thank you,’ and turned away. With that tiny pull at the corners of her lips his life started once more.
But Alice stopped dead.
Nearly five seconds past. Tom was counting, his stomach was in knots. He could hear his own breathing, heavy and laboured like he had just ran for miles. The tension within their own car was palpable and urgent. Neil’s hands gripped the wheel tighter and Tom pushed his feet harder into the foot well.
Look at me…
She lifted one hand to steady herself on her own car. She faltered momentarily but slowly turned back to face him.
‘You’re going to hell in a hand cart, my friend,’ Neil whispered.
Her eyes were full of tears and her expression was vacant. She blinked… once… twice, then she lifted her hand to her mouth and her legs gave way a little. She caught herself quickly and stood upright again.
Tom grabbed the door handle.
IN HIS IMAGE
Saturday July 31st
Alice huddled closer to Stuart and he turned the heating up. She had had a wonderful night, it had been funny and odd and at times pretty sad actually. But she felt okay now. It all felt okay.
‘Jump out and grab my coat from the boot. Actually thinking about it, your North Face jacket might be in there too from last Sunday. I’m not surprised you’re shivering though that dress is a wee bit flimsy.’
‘You bought it for me,’ she smiled.
‘I know,’ he grinned. ‘Are you sure you want me to drop you at Stephanie’s place? You could call h
er and cancel? Come home with me and let me take it off you?’ he flashed his eyes at her.
‘Tempting. But I told her I would stay. Post-match analysis and all that…’
‘You two are mad. Still bloody teenagers,’ he joked.
‘Can we rain-check and you rip it off tomorrow night instead?’
‘I’ll think about it,’ he kissed her hand, ‘quickly grab that coat while we’re stopped.’
They pulled up to the junction and Alice jumped out. Stuart popped the boot and she grabbed her coat. Turning she thanked the car behind for waiting patiently and not beeping them or anything.
She froze.
It’s just not possible…
Alice felt the blood rush to her woozy head.
It can’t be him…
Helplessness flooded her senses. If she turned around again and it wasn’t him she felt like she would die.
In that split second through the tinted windscreen of the car behind her had she seen an untruthful vision? Was she that messed up that he was now some kind of mystical desert mirage appearing for her to cling to when all hope of him being there tonight was lost?
She couldn’t stand it. This road was the last place she had seen him. She had watched his little blue car vanish from this very spot, transporting with it her oasis.
She was going to cry. Her husband was waiting to drive away and she was stood at the back of their car waiting for the world to change. She touched the smooth metal and its coolness under her fingertips kicked her into action.
Get it together… it’s not him.
Not knowing what she would see, she turned back. In the shadowed interior of the car behind her what she saw was him.
Tom.
Her eyes locked with his and her mouth fell open.
It was Tom.
He was here. She felt her knees weaken and her heart quicken past any point it ever had before. The drinks that she had consumed over the evening did nothing to take the edge off the utter shock she felt. She sensed her lips tremble and the blood in her arms run cold.
Tom moved for the door. He opened it and began to rise from the car.
Panic replaced shock.
She had to do something. It couldn’t happen like this. She raised her hand and shook her head once. Tom stopped. She breathed in and out trying to control her tears, trying to control her mind.
Stuart.
Alice wiped her eyes and wrapped the coat around her body and scurried back to the passenger side door and got in. Her eyes glued to the wing mirror as she slammed the door shut. Tom fell back into the car and she watched his head drop into his hands.
No…
‘Alright, babe?’ said Stuart.
‘Fine – let’s go.’
Alice wanted the dim car interior to swallow her whole. She searched for any thought or memory in her head that might prevent her from screaming out loud. Anything happy or joyous that was a million miles away from the crystal blue oceanic stare of Mr Chambers.
Don’t look at me, she willed her husband to keep driving. Don’t try to engage me in conversation. Ask me no questions, I’m not capable.
She watched the orange street lights rush past her. She felt other worldly. She felt like a twelve-year-old child being driven home from youth club after spending an evening staring at the boy of her dreams. Not being able to talk to her parents for fear of losing the image of their face from her consciousness. Needing that picture of schoolboy perfection to still be with her when she ran up the stairs to bed that night, a thousand teenage fantasies waiting for her to dream of when she closed her eyes. She was crazy…
In a minute Stuart was going to expect a loving goodbye. He would hug her and kiss her and she would have the thought of Tom emanating from every part of her body.
How fucked up was that?
She took her phone from her bag and began franticly typing a text message to Steph:
11.15pm
Something’s come up, be a bit later than I said. Don’t worry, explain when I get there. Leave key out just in case – love you xxxx
She hit send.
As they neared their destination Alice dared to look over at her husband. He looked relaxed. He was clearly happy to have his wife back safe and unharmed after a night that had worried him for weeks. The chance that your spouse would run into her first love was a weight that had hung heavily around his neck. He had laughed it off but Alice knew it had bugged the hell out of him.
So what are you doing now?
They pulled up outside her sister’s house.
‘You sure you want to leave me?’ he asked turning to her.
In a performance that would have left Meryl Streep standing, she kissed him. With everything she had felt in the last ten minutes existing within that kiss. She worried he would feel it and pulled back after only a few seconds.
‘I’m never leaving you,’ she sniffed.
‘You’re a soppy so and so at times,’ he said smiling at her sudden emotion.
Her phone pinged interrupting them.
11.23pm
Intrigued??? See you later xx
I bet you are…
Alice kissed him again quickly.
‘Kiss Hayley for me and tell her I love her,’ she requested tucking her hair behind her ear. She wanted to scream again just thinking about her daughter now.
Stephanie had taken Alice’s overnight bag home with her earlier, so she grabbed her handbag and shut the door. She watched him drive away and around the corner of her sister’s road.
As soon as he was out of view she walked as fast as she could away from the house. When she was safely in the next street she grabbed her phone from her bag and called a cab.
The man on the other end of the line had confidently advised her it would be with her in five minutes. She hung up and sat on the cold kerb to wait. Because in taxi-firm speak five minutes meant twenty minutes. But that was alright she needed some thinking time.
Okay. So Tom was here. Was she shocked? No, not really. Surprised and caught off guard? Definitely.
She had spent most of the night watching the door of the school hall half expecting him to walk through it. She had no idea how he had changed, if he had at all? So there were a few times she had to do a double take just to make sure the person she was staring at wasn’t in fact him.
And then she saw him.
Was he watching her? Was it coincidence? No, she knew it wasn’t that. He was waiting. The moment their eyes locked she was certain he was there for her.
How do you feel about that?
The fear that if she ever saw him again he would be different had played on her mind over the years. That she would see him, and he would just appear to her adult self as some older, creepy guy that should never have wanted a seventeen-year-old girl and she shouldn’t have ever wanted him – it had scared the hell out of her. That’s the problem with distance and perspective. What was wonderful then may now seem grotesque.
But he was the same. Unless it was the darkness and the Amaretto, he was the same.
Beautiful.
Alice closed her eyes. She remembered standing in front of him. It was November and absolutely freezing, but about the same time of night as now. A school trip… she could see it so clearly. She and Tom had gone to fetch blankets for the girls back at the dormitory, but couldn’t remember how they had ended up with that task alone. They stumbled through wooded parkland in the pitch black darkness. Tom was leading and she followed.
She recalled how she had become obsessed with him in the months previous to this. How all she could think about was his voice when he spoke in class, his rich accent and amazingly beautiful face. How he held his coffee cup in one hand, but not by the handle. How his thick brown hair looked when he was bent down marking books at his desk. She would have followed him anywhere.
‘You’re shivering you must be cold?’ he had asked her in the darkness.
‘It’s not the cold… you know it’s not…’ she had replied wit
h a confidence she didn’t know she possessed.
Ten minutes after she had said those words to him, against his initial shock and protestations of how it was wrong to talk like that. Letting it slip that he might feel the same but it was out of his control. She had found his breaking point and he had pushed his strong body against her own, he towered above her and she had felt so small, but so protected. Her fingertips traced his arms and shoulders. She gripped onto him like her life had depended on it and he had kissed her.
‘Alright love, Alice is it?’ A bald jolly looking man was talking to her, ‘You order a taxi?’
‘Yes please. Sorry, I was in another world,’ Alice got into the cab. The heating was on full whack and only then did she realise how cold she felt.
‘Where to my love?’
‘Um, 64 Oak Moor Rise, please,’ she said.
‘Nice,’ he replied and the meter started ticking.
It was a guess. She knew the man that was with him was Neil. She had never met him but Tom had talked about him a lot whilst they had been together.
After Tom had ended it she had frantically found out everything she could about Tom’s life. She had watched Neil’s house for a week after he left her, hoping to catch him before he left for Ireland. Praying she could change his mind.
But she hadn’t seen him – just Neil.
It was a long shot. He had more than likely moved. She saw the car he was driving now and at least if it wasn’t there she could go home and try to leave it alone. Hopefully tomorrow would offer her a different and sobering light on her predicament?
Here tonight she was wired and she was angry, probably with good reason. Alice needed to see him and there was very little that would stop her right now.
It wasn’t on.
How arrogant was this guy anyway? Getting out of the car like he didn’t have a care in the world? Happily risking a broken nose and at the same time her marriage.
You keep telling yourself that’s why you want to see him.
The cab turned into a leafy suburbia. The typical home that appealed to wealthy professionals wanting a more rural and affordable idyll, but still requiring the essential short train commute to London. The large detached properties she had to admit were impressive. Their perfectly manicured front gardens even looked good in the dark.