Mr Chambers

by Tammy Bench

  Even though everything she was saying was exactly what she should be saying in this situation. All the right words in the right order. The problem was it wasn’t what she felt. It wasn’t the truth. They were simply playing at being grown-ups dealing with a sticky situation.

  ‘Um… do you still live in Ireland?’ she asked polity as they reached the door.

  ‘Yes. Just outside Dublin. I moved up there about six years ago.’

  ‘Do you have children?’ she wanted the whole picture before she left or was she just stalling?

  Tom smiled. The dimples in his cheeks appeared and his eyes shone so beautifully.

  God, she loved his smile.

  ‘Twins, James and Abbie, they’re nine. I’m not with their mam anymore we divorced about five years ago.’

  ‘I’m sorry. That must be hard?’

  ‘It can be. But I see them both loads. Estelle and I are good friends,’ he pushed his hands into his pockets in a boyish way and it made his shoulders look even broader.

  Alice looked away, she had to.

  ‘I suppose if these things have to happen you have to hope they turn out well like that.’

  ‘Are you happy, Alice? Did it turn out well for you?’

  ‘Yes, I have the loveliest daughter,’ she smiled.

  Tom looked at the floor, ‘I bet she’s beautiful.’

  ‘She is.’

  He breathed out heavily.

  ‘Listen, you better go before I get all…’ he stopped and shook his head, ‘forget it.’

  The cold hallway sent a chill through her body.

  Why did going feel like it would end her life prematurely? Like stepping out of the front door would somehow close her time limited portal to a dimension in which Tom Chambers is tangible. A dimension in which he says new things and smiles new smiles, not just the things she had entrusted to memory.

  Don’t think like that.

  How can someone feel this way when everything in her life was perfect and happy? She felt so far removed from him now that she could have been a different person when they had been together. How could she want to jeopardise her perfect bubble for this moment?

  Because this is what you would have chosen.

  ‘Get all what?’ she enquired helplessly. She was stupidly clinging to his every word.

  Tom grinned again, ‘stupid, crazy and Irish.’

  He looked at the door and then to his feet.

  ‘Tom?’

  He looked up, ‘Yes?’

  The space between them filled up with a scintillating awkwardness. Had the instant mood change been fuelled by his statement or the way she had said his name? Was it her fault or his? She wasn’t sure, but for a split second she rode high on it. The alcohol in her bloodstream helped too.

  ‘I liked crazy, remember?’

  What???!!!

  He smiled, ‘I do remember.’

  She had lost it. What on earth made her think she could say that? She needed to cover it quickly, ‘Maybe I’ll see you in the future sometime?’

  I liked crazy, remember?!

  She couldn’t get over herself.

  ‘A man can dream,’ he laughed.

  She stared at him and he stopped suddenly.

  ‘Tom, don’t say…’

  He cut her off, ‘Alice, if I thought it would make a shadow of a difference to anything, I would get down on my knees and beg you to forgive me,’ he spoke quickly, ‘but as it stands you’re happy and me doing that would be just another thing to feel foolish about when you walk out that door. Sorry, I…’

  Alice could feel herself breaking inside. She had asked not to know how he felt and this was why.

  She nodded slowly, ‘Goodbye Tom,’ she bit her bottom lip to stop the tears coming and opened the door, ‘and thank you.’

  The cool night surrounded her as she stepped outside and down the little slope onto the block-paved pathway.

  She turned to face him and Tom’s brow furrowed.

  ‘What for?’ he asked.

  She felt braver in the moonlight.

  ‘Thanks for convincing me that what I did when I was seventeen wasn’t in fact the biggest mistake of my life. That maybe we weren’t all that wrong. That you weren’t some strange guy I would regret if I ever saw him again.’

  She walked a couple more feet away from the door.

  ‘So, you don’t regret me then?’ she could tell he was smiling.

  Alice laughed lightly, ‘careful Tom this is starting to sound like flirting.’

  ‘Starting? And I thought I was being obvious,’ he joked.

  ‘You were.’

  ‘Alice?’ his voice sounded strained, she didn’t want to turn around and look at him. She was barely holding it together now.

  ‘Yes?’ she called without turning.

  ‘…I don’t know? Ignore me.’

  She smiled to herself sadly. He was feeling the same way.

  A thought hit her suddenly and she just had to ask him. It was the last chance she would get and she needed the information to complete her most cherished memory of them.

  ‘What was that song?’ she didn’t look back at him. She was almost at the end of the path, near to Neil’s car. Her heart was in her throat.

  ‘Song?’ his accent was so much stronger than she remembered. It could have been because he lived back home or had she really forgotten its strength and impact on her senses?

  ‘It’s silly really, but in your room that night, you know? When we first… I always wondered what it was but I could never remember it?’ she waited.

  She didn’t expect him to remember. It was so long ago. She suddenly heard a small noise, a whooshing sound and then felt a warm breath next to her right ear. He was behind her.

  She jumped to face him, ‘Um why…’

  ‘Give me your phone, Alice,’ his blue gaze bore down on her.

  ‘Why?’ she squeaked.

  ‘Give me your phone,’ he ordered.

  ‘You can’t talk to me like that anymore,’ she looked up at him and he stared back at her, his chest rising and falling he was so close to her body now.

  ‘Phone,’ his voice gravelly and serious.

  Alice yanked her bag from her shoulder and pulled out her phone. She looked up at him and placed it into his hand. Her own hands were shaking. She snatched them back quickly.

  Tom began typing a number into her contacts. She watched as his commanding fingers travelled swiftly over the keys.

  She remembered those strong hands…

  Her heartbeat quickened and she let her eyes drift closed.

  ‘Here,’ he held the phone up to her and she opened her eyes, ‘this is my number. You’ll probably never need it or want to use it. But I’ll never change it.’

  She glanced at the screen, ‘Edward?’ he had listed his number under a different name.

  ‘Rochester,’ he smiled a little.

  She smiled back. The first time they had ever really felt a mutual connection with one another was when they had read aloud to his class an extract from Jane Eyre.

  ‘Like you said – crazy,’ she tried to lighten the mood that had turned intense and popped her phone back in her bag, but it was suddenly her most treasured possession.

  ‘No, this is crazy,’ he whispered.

  Tom grabbed her under her arms and swung her around towards Neil’s car. He pushed her up against it. His body weighing down against her, his strong grasp felt so warm through her thick coat.

  ‘Tom, get off me!’ she shouted more in surprise than meaning.

  He looked at her. His own breathing was fast and he felt like he was fighting against himself to stay in control. He shook his head.

  She froze. If she moved even the smallest amount to meet him he would drag her back into the house within seconds and she would go… willingly.

  Tom’s face moved towards her own, ‘don’t,’ she whispered, ‘please don’t make this any harder.’

  He looked away and cursed. His profile, his harsh
words and pained expression left her wanting him so vehemently, but still she didn’t move. The small band of gold on her left hand wouldn’t let her.

  He lifted one hand and traced the edges of her cold cheek with his palm. She shivered and he pushed her hair away from her face and gripped it firmly between his persuasive hands.

  ‘Are you ready for stupid?’ he asked. His voice had the imperious tone it takes on sometimes. She felt scared of her own response.

  She shook her head quickly, but she wanted to nod.

  He gently wiped the tears that had begun to fall away from her eyes with his two thumbs, while still holding the sides of her face.

  Why was she crying?

  ‘Alice, I’m not going to kiss you. I know you’re happy and believe me when I say that makes me happy,’ he brushed his finger across her bottom lip and she trembled, ‘so that means what I’m about to say sounds all the more stupid and wrong. I can’t believe these words are going to come out… but fuck…’ he paused and looked to the night sky then back at her, ‘I’m going try you know? I’m going to try and win you back. I’m gonna try and keep you.’

  ‘Oh, Tom,’ she mouthed.

  ‘Don’t say anything else,’ he placed his finger to her lips, ‘you don’t know how this ends. So don’t pretend you do.’

  He pushed away from the car. The sudden loss of his body was almost unbearable. She stared at his back as he paced towards the house.

  “The Closer You Get,” he shouted, ‘that’s the name of the song, Alice. I’d never forget that or any other part of that night.’

  TOM VS. ALICE

  Sunday 1st August

  ‘Shit, Tom I just saw you! Don’t pretend you didn’t do it. You were practically dry humping the girl,’ Neil bellowed.

  He had been back from his walk for about ten minutes and had been like this since he walked in the door. Neil had seen Tom grab her. That meant a lecture on doing the right thing and how a better man would walk away.

  Tom was half listening and mostly agreeing because in any other situation he would always try to do what’s right and honourable. But logic and good manners really didn’t play a part in this one.

  ‘I told you she wanted me to do it…’ Tom cringed, ‘okay that was slightly arrogant.’

  ‘Slightly? You think?’ he collapsed onto the sofa, ‘Your trouble is you just can’t toe the line. She gets upset and you think she doesn’t want to leave you. So you step over that line, when you should be pulling back. She’s married and confused and you have used her feelings to your advantage,’ he shook his head.

  On. The. Money.

  Tom did feel ashamed.

  ‘You have to remember she’s not seventeen now. She’s thirty-one. She’s also not as weak and pathetic as you make her out to be. If she had a problem she would have let me know it. I don’t want to justify this to you – you weren’t there.’

  ‘Tom, I know how you feel about her, but really?’

  ‘It’s done now,’ Tom sighed.

  ‘I hate judging you…’ Neil picked up the remote and started flicking, ‘and God only knows she’s fit…’

  ‘Don’t even start with the ‘she’s fit’ comments. I don’t want to know if you think she’s fit. I don’t even like the word ‘fit’ to describe any woman and certainly not her.’

  Neil rolled his eyes, ‘Oh here we go Mr English teacher is going to crack open the ‘to be or not to be’ romantic clap-trap dictionary. Let’s all write a thousand-word description of her skin in the moonlight, or her smile on my pillow blah!’

  Tom laughed, ‘shut up.’

  ‘Are you going to give it up?’ he wanted a straight answer.

  ‘She’s gone. Home to her husband, do you really think she’ll give it a second thought when she gets there? So, yes it’s given up. Because I can’t afford to hope it would be any different.’

  ‘Tom, seriously what the hell has Alice got?’ he looked at him, ‘over any other woman you have ever had?’

  ‘My heart you dickhead.’

  Neil said nothing. He switched the television onto a repeat of Man vs. Food, ‘Have you seen this one?’

  ‘No,’ Tom replied.

  Lecture over.

  By the second half of the programme with the host just about to chow down on 6lbs of tender Texan brisket, smothered in a secret dry rub of barbeque spices, slow cooked for twelve hours, topped with American melted cheese and home fries on the side. Tom decided he was tired and unavoidably hungry.

  Bed or eat?

  Eat.

  He asked Neil if he wanted anything. Having not gotten an answer he got up to look, discovering Neil fast asleep in the dark with his mouth wide open. Tom pressed pause on the TV and wandered to the kitchen.

  Now, what were the chances of there being some steak in here? A quick scan of the fridge told him negative. He found some ham and pickle instead and made a sandwich.

  He looked in the freezer… Microwave chips. Not exactly home fries but still better than nothing.

  Tom placed them in the microwave and set it for two minutes. The quiet hum of the oven as it spun gracefully around was nothing like the vintage example he had at home that sounded like a freight train. To make matters worse he had lost the special glass plate years ago and now used a dinner plate as its ailing substitute.

  What did you do tonight?

  He shook his head.

  The microwave came to a stop and pinged twice. He was just about to open the door when he heard a third and fourth pinging sound. Tom bent down a little to look at the clock. Then realised it was his phone.

  A text message at 1.20am on a Sunday – it meant one thing. He was sure of it. He dashed into the lounge. Neil was still asleep. He picked up his phone. Before he turned it over he screwed his eyes tight and counted to ten.

  Please be her…

  Quickly he realised how lame he had just acted about getting a text he could have quoted Jeremy Kyle.

  “Why don’t you grow a pair?”

  Bloody summer holidays, too much time to get hooked on programmes that you love to hate.

  “Get off my stage you useless excuse for a human being…”

  Tom turned the phone over and pressed the round button next to his thumb. The screen lit up. The number didn’t have a name. He opened the message:

  1.21am

  Hey Tom, it’s me, Alice. I don’t really know what to say about what happened tonight? It was so unexpected I can’t get my head around it. I was glad to see you… but I think it’s always going to be complicated – Isn’t it?

  I keep thinking about what you said and it’s not fair to you if I leave it open like that. I’m married and I have a family, I can’t and won’t jeopardise that. I can’t see you again and I hope you can respect that?

  Wrong time, wrong place… I think that will forever be our Achilles heel x

  Tom shook his head fiercely and started typing:

  1.27am

  If I were a less selfish man I would say sorry for what happened tonight Alice, but I’m not. If I said that seeing you again had somehow kick-started my old feelings for you I would be lying – because I don’t think I ever stopped feeling them.

  Time and place may well be a problem, but I think fear is a bigger one.

  I know that this message sounds like I’m an insensitive bastard. Before tonight I was convinced that I would never get a second chance to even look at you again. You say that you don’t want to give me false hope – you haven’t. What you’ve given me is a shot, now if that was intentional or not, the damage has already been done.

  I know it’s the wrong thing to do, but how can I walk away from something like you twice?

  He hit send.

  Tactful.

  Was there any way you could cancel a message once it had been sent?

  No?

  He didn’t think so.

  Tom was about to grab his food when he received another message – too quick, not a good sign. Why did he always act before thinkin
g?

  1.29am

  Tom, you’re making this hard for me. I’m surprised that you still feel like this after so long. You need to forget about me. I’m married – maybe some gentlemanly behaviour in this situation would help?

  Gentlemanly behaviour? Did she really want that? It didn’t feel that way this evening.

  She was running scared and he had just fucked his chances. She was trying to pretend that she didn’t feel the smallest thing for him. She was trying to erase the looks they had shared tonight, trying to disguise her increased heart rate when he had held her.

  Back off Chambers.

  1.31am

  Sorry. I owe you more than that, a lot more.

  If tonight was it? Then okay. I’ll be here for a while longer; you know where to find me if you want to talk.

  I hope you get everything you ever wish for baby xx

  He never wanted to upset her. Even though everything within him wanted to type something else, he wouldn’t. He couldn’t picture her sat on a bed somewhere worrying, wondering if he would swoop in and ruin her life again.

  He badly wanted to keep pressuring her. Telling her how she made him feel. These crazy feelings that within twenty minutes of being with her again were consuming his every sense. He had never stopped loving her and however dormant that love was over the years, it was always poised and ready to jump out and screw him up.

  Stepping back Neil, stepping back…

  If she was ever going to come to him again, see him again or even talk to him, it had to be her choice alone.

  YOU HANG UP FIRST

  Sunday 1st August

  Baby…

  He was the only man that had ever called her baby and didn’t make it sound contrived or silly.

  He had sent her the message she needed. The message that she should have wanted…

  She was itching to reply again but didn’t know what to say? She should just leave it surely?

  She stared at her phone and took another sip of tea. Her sister was asleep when she arrived home and in a way she was glad of that. At least this gave her the rest of the night to decide whether to tell her about Tom or not.

  It was half past one in the morning she really needed to sleep too. But she knew as soon as she closed her eyes his face would appear hovering above her. She would construct intricate scenarios in which they could accidently see each other again. Her fantasies of being with him would run riot and she would wake in the morning more confused and frustrated than she was feeling now.