by Tammy Bench
There goes your life…
‘Alice!’ he shouted.
None of it meant more than her.
She stopped.
‘Do you want me to let you walk?’
He watched her head flick slightly, seconds passed and her bag slid from her hand onto the floor.
Just one word…
‘No,’ she replied.
He jumped off the sofa and practically leapt five paces and skidded to a stop behind her and wrapped his arms around her tiny back. He had accidently pushed her towards the door with some force because of the short sprint and massive burst of adrenaline. She put her hands out to steady herself then let her head fall back against his shoulder.
He should have asked if she was sure. He didn’t. She wasn’t sure – she just knew, like he did that there was no way it couldn’t happen.
He breathed in the heavenly scent of her hair and prayed he wasn’t dreaming.
THAT OLD FEELING
Monday 2nd August
Alice looked franticly around her feet for her bag. She needed to find it. She needed to get the hell out of there. Everything had gone wrong. He was doing what she knew he would and the problem was she was starting to feel what she knew she shouldn’t.
‘Goodbye, Tom,’ she wiped her eyes.
The tears had started and she knew they weren’t going to stop.
She looked at him. The thought, for one last time, came into her mind and her breath caught in her chest. He was sat kneeling on the sofa, an empty space in front of him where she had been. That space had felt like everything. For a few moments, with him towering above her it had been perfect again.
His expression was vacant now and he stared into the middle distance and said nothing. His eyes full of hurt.
Tom…
Alice turned and walked towards the door. If she hadn’t come here tonight her heart wouldn’t feel this heavy. Her body wouldn’t feel so unfulfilled, and her mind so confused she didn’t know which way was up.
A thousand memories of him swam towards her.
Mr Chambers.
The first time she saw him. He was flustered, angry and late on his first day at her school.
‘Sit on a chair young lady…’
The first time they were alone was after a lesson in his classroom, there he had nearly touched her lips.
‘Sorry, Alice you were upset and…’
The first time they had kissed.
‘Call me Tom, for fuck sake, Alice…’
The first time they had made love had been the most intense experience of her entire existence. Her teacher moving over her, inside of her, so overwhelming…
Then the end came bringing with it tears and a wicked hatred. Not knowing if she would ever get over the pain they had caused.
‘You… You can be everything without me, baby…’
Two nights ago the face of the man that was once her whole world had been sat in a car behind her own. His eyes telling her without a shadow of doubt that he wasn’t finished.
‘I’m going to try and win you…’
Now everything was here and open. The only place to run was into his embrace or a million miles and a thousand lifetimes away from that face.
‘I see the woman that should have been my wife…’
Fear, love, family, loyalty, happiness, hope, future, pain, guilt and comfort all merged into one emotional entity – that’s what was at stake here. That’s what she stood to gain and to lose.
For him. For one night of frenzied passion that would kill her when it was over?
‘Alice!’ his mesmerising voice caught her off guard and she stopped dead.
Her heart pounded so hard she could feel its quick beat all the way to her ears.
‘Do you want me to let you walk?’ his strong accent cut straight to her core. An upward surge of lust tickled her scalp and her hand let go of her bag.
This was Tom.
This was where it had to get to.
This was the most important answer of her life. It meant a choice between the memories of delicate night-time promises she had made as a teenage girl and the holy and binding lifelong promises she vowed as a loving wife…
‘No,’ she replied.
Was that her voice?
He ran into her and she was pushed into the door as he wrapped his strong arms around her middle. His embrace weakened her knees and her head fell back against his shoulder. He held his face close to her ear and said, ‘stay.’
Alice nodded slowly.
He pulled her around and grabbed her face. His eyes were almost crystal clear, his thick eyelashes were moist and his jaw twitched impatiently.
‘I’m going to kiss you.’
She nodded again.
‘God, I need to touch you,’ his hands trembled.
She tried to look away but he held her face still. His left hand dropped to her waist, then moved to the front of her jeans. She felt him press is fingers against her pubic bone. Alice tried to speak, tried to say no, that it was too fast for it to happen tonight but he put his thumb to her lips to stop her, so she shook her head instead.
‘Stop,’ he ordered.
‘Tom,’ she searched his face. She was so afraid. Could she handle all of him again, so suddenly and so out of the blue?
‘It’s too quick, Tom. I want to kiss you. Heaven knows I do but anything else… I just can’t,’ she said quickly.
Would a kiss be enough to take away with her? Could this one stolen evening with him be the closure she needed?
Moments passed slowly. His eyes looked confused, like he was having some kind of internal battle. Finally, he smiled at her and he moved his lips towards her own.
Suddenly her mobile phoned beeped as it received a message. Her husband’s face crossed her mind and for a moment it broke the magic spell that held them. He paused and they both looked toward her bag on the floor.
‘I better see what that is…’ she sighed, ‘just in case it’s my…’
‘Okay, sure baby, of course,’ he dropped his hands from her face and fished in his pocket for his own mobile, ‘I’ll send a quick message to Neil,’ Tom started typing quickly.
She watched his handsome face fall a little, the anger visible as he punched the keypad. She didn’t move for her bag, instead she reached out and touched his wrist lightly. He took his eyes off the screen and glanced at her. Then he moved.
He threw his phone onto the sofa behind him, he didn’t seem to mind if it landed safely or smashed to bits. He grabbed her face again and pushed her out of the living room doorway and towards the stairs. Her back met the wall with a light thud.
‘You didn’t send it,’ she looked up at him shyly.
‘I got distracted…’ his eyes drilled into her gaze.
Tom’s head bent towards her and his smooth lips touched her own. She closed her eyes. His mouth moved drawing her into the kiss. Everything she remembered about kissing him was here still… but ten times more compulsive than before.
His hands delved into her hair and he pushed her harder against the wall. His body pressing against her like an immovable piece of wood. His lips moved with clear purpose and she kissed him back.
Her whole body was poised on the edge of something fantastic. Attraction burned wildly inside of her. She clung to his back and through his shirt she felt his hot skin.
She was losing herself.
Tom’s tongue sought to find hers and she gave it willingly. Alice was lifted up on a wave of his perfect attention. He never faltered or hesitated. He only ever gave what he was confident he could deliver.
She traced her hands around his sides, feeling the defined contours of his body. She wanted to see him naked again. She wanted to know if what she remembered was just a figment of her hormone induced imagination or if he was the real deal.
She heard him sigh. The noise transferred through the kiss into her mouth. It bounced off her teeth and slid soundlessly down her throat like a pin ball. Her prize was a small
piece of Tom inside of her.
He twisted her a little, moving her back away from the wall and towards the staircase. She fell onto the carpeted steps clumsily and he followed. His hands started to work their way down her body, quickly lifting the edges of her t-shirt. His warm fingers splayed over her hips and he pulled her under him.
Tom moved his face away quickly and leaned back a little. Looking down at her, Alice didn’t think she’d ever seen a man look at her like that before. It was pure sexual need mixed with a lifetime of unanswered what-ifs.
He quickly started to pull at his belt. Alice placed her hand over his own to slow him.
‘Tom, just wait,’ she was breathing fast.
‘What?’ his eyes met hers.
‘Let’s not rush.’
‘You don’t want to do this?’
‘Damn it, I’m not saying that,’ she felt confused.
‘Alice, I don’t want to stop this.’
‘It’s just…’
Tom looked around him, ‘we’ll go upstairs, come on…’
‘I’m scared.’
‘I know you are. I understand you’re the one taking risks here,’ he replied messing with his hair in frustration.
‘That’s not what I’m scared of,’ she looked away.
‘Then what is it?’
‘I’m scared of you making love to me.’
Alice covered her face with her hands and Tom pulled them away, ‘I know baby it’s a big deal. It’s not just…’
‘No, Tom, you don’t get it. I’m worried about… sex,’ Alice looked away.
‘Physically, you mean?’
‘Yes and no. If you and I have sex that means I’ll know our connection again. How deep it ran and how good you can make me feel.’
She couldn’t tell him that since being with him she would struggle to reach orgasm through sex. When they had been together all he had to do was tell her she could and she would climax without it ever being an issue. If they made love now and it was how it used to be she would be addicted to him and unable to function without his love, and without his body she feared she would shut down sexually with Stuart. But if she couldn’t orgasm with Tom this time then it would change the past and he might not understand why she needed the memory of the way they were, intact and unaltered.
‘How is that bad? I’ve never felt what I feel with you, with anyone else. Sometimes it just clicks. Once in a blue moon you find someone and it feels like home,’ he smiled and added, ‘a really amazing dream home.’
‘I’ve only had sex with you and Stuart,’ she said, ‘not that it’s relevant.’
‘What?’ he sounded like someone had slapped him.
‘I’ve only slept with two people.’
‘Why?’
‘For over a year after you left I didn’t even want a man near me. I met Stuart soon after that and we got on well. When we did eventually have sex – it was good…’
Tom cut in, ‘I don’t want to know that.’
Alice continued, ‘I cried myself to sleep the first night we did because I thought I had erased you. By sleeping with him all trace of your memory had been wiped from my body.’
‘That’s why you’re scared?’
‘It’s silly,’ she smiled.
‘You’re afraid that I will erase him now? The way he erased me?’ Tom looked angry.
He never erased you.
He continued, ‘you don’t want to risk my making you feel the way he does?’ Tom grabbed her arms and pulled her up against his chest. He lifted her with one arm around her waist.
‘It’s not what I meant…’ she whispered against his warm cheek.
‘I’m not sure I understand any of it, Alice? But I’m taking you upstairs. If I have to tear down walls with my bare hands and beg you till the sun comes up, I’ll do it. I need to make love to you until you forget you ever had anyone else. Just the thought of you with anyone else…’
She didn’t correct his assumption. She wanted to be honest but she couldn’t give him that kind of power, not yet. She held him tightly as he began climbing the stairs with her in his arms and she knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would be able to make her forget.
He already had.
TOM’S CONFESSIONAL
Monday 2nd August
This is what Tom couldn’t tell Alice – certainly not after the things she had just confessed to him.
He had travelled back to Ireland four days after they split in 1996. He had caught a ferry on Saturday at dawn. He drove his little blue Peugeot onto the parking deck. It was full to bursting with his personal items, clothes, books and computer.
Neil had waved him off and Tom had left his friend with the keys to his house, a meeting booked with an estate agent to arrange the sale of the property and an empty storage lock-up to clear his stuff into, plus enough cash to cover his costs.
He was going to miss him.
Tom walked to the viewing deck and looked back at a country that would forever keep his hearts-desire. Holyhead faded into a misty haze and the Irish Sea engulfed him.
He breathed out and watched his breath dance into the cold morning air in front of him. He was running. His life was changing and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
Tom looked down at the angry waves hitting the steely side of the boat. They seemed annoyed that it had stopped their pre-destined course. He toyed with the idea of jumping in for a moment or two. Those strange irrational thoughts that sneak up and tap you on the shoulder occasionally and make you question your own sanity – but luckily he wasn’t that crazy.
Then the rain had started. He wondered if he had made it come, to add weight to his sorrow, to further humiliate the pitiful shell of a man he felt like he was becoming.
He didn’t move or run for cover, he just let the relentless blanket of precipitation pound at his face. He turned towards the forceful barrage and the heavens opened onto his skin taking his breath away. Tom stayed outside until his hair, clothes and shoes were saturated and he was shivering uncontrollably.
A man ran over to him some time later. He must have worked for the ferry company. He ordered Tom to go inside and get a hot drink.
Tom nodded and followed the man.
Once inside he was handed a blanket by an older woman with shocking red hair she was standing by the door watching the whole spectacle. Clearly the guy had drawn the short straw to brave the weather and rescue Tom from the rain. He thanked her and used it to remove some of the water that literally poured from his clothes. They looked at him like he was mad and/or a little dangerous. He was pointed towards the café and told to warm up.
Tom didn’t really care. He was wet. He was cold, but he couldn’t feel it.
There were a few people in the cafeteria, mainly business men at this time of day. Tom ordered a coffee and sat in the corner of the room.
He drank the coffee while it was still hot and had to admit he had needed it. While he drank he silently prayed.
He asked God to look after Alice because he couldn’t anymore. He asked him to bless her with a happy life, with health and laughter. He told God that whatever it would cost to let her have those things he could gladly take out of his own life. He would take any of the hurt or hardship that was meant for her as well as that meant for himself. He needed to hand someone stronger than himself the job he had ran from.
An hour later he was still staring into the abyss when a young blonde woman came over to clear his cup away. He remembered she was wearing a green uniform and a little green hat. She asked if he was okay and if he would like anything else? She smiled at him and he thought he would cry.
To this day he couldn’t remember what he had said to her, or how he had ended up screwing her against his car on the parking deck. He didn’t know her name and ashamedly he didn’t care.
He drove his car onto Irish soil a few hours later.
That same night he went out with some friends as a welcome home thing. He was functioning on autopilot and pull
ing off a pretty good act of normality. They all went to a bar near his home town and started drinking. One pint followed the next and his friends had started singing, then so had he. He was actually singing – but he should have been crying.
That night he went back to a woman’s house. She was blonde, petite and younger than him. He thought her name was Maxine.
But to him she was only, Alice.
For five months he did this. Mindlessly fucking nameless blonde women and pretending they were her. It was like torture. He would drink. He would convince himself that was what he wanted. He would make love to them and afterwards feel like he had betrayed Alice over and over again.
If it wasn’t for Neil talking to him on the phone over the next few months, talking him down if you like, he may never have stopped.
He met Estelle a year later. She was a teacher at the same school as him and they just kind of fell for each other slowly. Day in, day out they talked about pupils, coursework and parents’ evenings.
Then they laughed. Then after six months the laughter didn’t make him feel guilty.
Soon he thought he was in love.
They had some good years together and two children that changed who he was entirely.
Since his marriage ended he had stayed clean of empty sex and doing the wrong thing. He had seen several women but nothing like before. He was a better man and his children had helped heal him.
But now as he carried Alice against his chest he realised she was probably right, making love to her again was scary. It was putting himself in a position of weakness. Even though he wouldn’t be walking away this time, he couldn’t guarantee she would choose him – if there even was a choice to be made?
Maybe this was it?
He got to the top of the stairs and put her down, he looked into her eyes and he knew he would take the risk regardless. He had to. If all those years away from her were for nothing, then someone up there was having a massive laugh on the both of them.
If you go full circle and still feel this kind of connection, it had to be right – didn’t it?
‘Are you alright?’ she asked him.
‘Yes, just thinking.’