by Tammy Bench
‘What about?’
‘Whether or not I’m winning you yet?’ he grinned.
Give me something, Alice please…
She smiled shyly, ‘it’s not a competition, and I can’t just drop my life for you.’
‘I know that.’
‘I wouldn’t be doing this unless I wanted to. This wouldn’t be with anyone else but you. But I can’t answer a question like that, Tom.’
‘I know.’
She went up on her tiptoes and kissed him lightly on the lips.
‘Fuck it,’ he whispered against her mouth. He pulled her into one of Neil’s large spare bedrooms and closed the door.
His clothes were scattered around the floor. Some spewed out of a bag in the corner. His bed was unmade and yesterday’s boxers were sitting next to the bedside cabinet. He cringed and grabbed them off the floor throwing them not so discreetly on top of his bag.
‘Well at least I wasn’t a foregone conclusion,’ she joked looking around at his things, ‘I know you well enough to know you would have tidied up first.’
‘I’m embarrassed – forgive me?’ he winked at her.
‘We’ll see,’ she smiled.
Her wide playful smile filled him with lust. He wanted to throw her on the bed and show her how crazy she made him, but instead he just watched her for a moment.
She looked around the room. Her little body was perfectly still. He loved just looking at her. Her perfect pixie-like features always seemed so perceptive, always so aware.
Her eyes met his.
His heart rate picked up and he started towards her. But a little raise of her hand had him stopping about three feet away.
‘What’s wrong?’
Please don’t say you can’t do this again.
‘Take your clothes off.’
He paused.
‘Do I have to ask twice?’ she said sweetly.
‘No,’ he said shaking his head.
Tom pulled his belt open, then the buttons on his jeans. Next he started work on his shirt buttons. He struggled with the last two so he just tugged at it and they popped off falling onto the floor.
Alice laughed.
He looked up at her and smiled.
Tom kicked his boots off, then socks. He pulled his jeans down and stepped out of them.
Alice never took her eyes off him.
‘Everything?’ he motioned to his boxers.
‘Everything,’ she confirmed quietly.
He was feeling a little bit high with nervous excitement now. He really wanted to move, but he had to do what she asked. He had Alice in his room again and he wasn’t about to screw this up.
He looked down at himself. He hadn’t had an erection like this in a long time. Feeling the tiniest bit self-conscious he stepped out of his pants. His arms dropped to his sides and he looked over at her.
She grinned at him – but her eyes held back something more primal.
‘My God you’re quite the specimen, Mr Chambers…’
He gritted his teeth to make himself stay on the spot. She had called him Mr Chambers. It was the hottest thing he had heard since the last time she had said it. But this time it didn’t hold the guilt or the sad reminder of his position.
‘I advise you not to call me that,’ his voice sounded harsh but he hadn’t meant it to. He was just so tightly wound.
She smiled at him again, ‘do you prefer sir?’
Fuck, don’t play like this…
He waited for a moment.
‘Yes,’ he said honestly.
Alice bit her lip, reached up and removed the pins from her hair. The beautiful golden strands fell around her face, ‘me too,’ she whispered.
He closed his eyes and counted to ten in his head. It had been too long. She had belonged to another man for far too long. He hated himself so much deeper for never coming back to her in the days after he left, for all the times he had gone to the airport and convinced himself it was the wrong thing to do. If he had, then maybe she would have never known any man but him.
‘Tom?’
‘Yes?’ he opened his eyes and she was standing in front of him.
She placed a small hand onto his chest, then the other. Her head fell against him and he could hear her breathing. When she did look up at him her face was anxious. If he was ever sure of anything though, he was sure she did want this. But it felt like she was waiting, stalling. It was like asking him to strip was so she didn’t have to and as much as she wanted to take charge and be herself with him, her own guilt still held her back from fully letting go.
He had to drive this. If he didn’t she would tear herself to pieces later. He knew her. She would condemn her actions and regret everything she felt. If he could take some of the blame away from her he would.
WHAT IS MINE
Monday 2nd August
Tom closed his eyes and didn’t open them.
Alice breathed out.
Her eyes darted to the side, then back to his body.
She stared at him. There was nothing about this man that didn’t turn her on. He was as near to perfect as she had ever seen.
She wanted to study his amazingly wide chest and the smooth tan skin of his strong arms. The rippled muscles of his belly had her palms sweating, and his dominant thighs and strapping legs that stood slightly apart should have been enough to quench her growing thirst, but her eyes were pulled away.
Her gaze should have lingered on his formidable shoulders, all powerful and protecting. They would make a girl want to hang off him like she was a feminine 1940’s black and white movie star, but as soon as he had stepped out of his pants, his impressive erection jutting out from his body so proud and unashamed, she had been totally lost in him.
She stepped closer.
She wanted to touch him in a million ways. Taste him and hold him. She wanted to show him she wasn’t a girl anymore and she could handle all the things she knew he had once held back. All the times she felt him check his actions before he reacted, remembering he was her teacher as well as her lover. He had cared for her with the most tenderness of heart. He had loved her passionately and deeply. But he had never given himself fully in the physical sense.
Though if she was being honest what he had given her then had been more than enough. He had known that and he had never pushed it.
She wanted to do this with him again. She just had to switch off all thoughts of… well basically everything outside of this room. For the next hour, if she could, she had to leave it all at the door.
‘Tom?’ she reached up and placed her open palm onto his chest. Its heat surprised her and she lifted her other one.
‘Yes?’ he opened his eyes and looked down at her.
She let her forehead fall against him.
‘Sorry, Alice,’ he said touching her neck.
She shivered, ‘what do you mean?’
‘I’m sorry,’ he shrugged.
‘Oh don’t get all self-doubting and moral on me now. That’s the last thing I need,’ she smiled.
‘That’s not what I meant,’ he said, his eyes narrowing.
‘What then?’
Tom grabbed her hair suddenly and pulled her head back, captured her face and bent towards her. He kissed her with strong determined lips. Starting on her mouth then trailing down her neck. She heard herself sigh as he traced his tongue over her sensitised skin.
Her body was high now. She reached up and clung to his shoulders, kissing her own path down his chest. She could feel his heart beat under her lips.
He yanked her cardigan from her arms and dropped it on the floor. She trembled when he lifted her t-shirt over her head and grabbed her breasts underneath.
‘Alice, you’re so beautiful,’ his voice caught in his throat.
‘You too,’ she whispered against his skin.
Tom pushed himself towards her. His erection pressed into her belly. He backed her over to the bed, lifted her legs and tipped her onto it. She tried to sit but Tom pushed her do
wn with a single firm hand.
‘Not yet…’ she breathed, ‘wait.’
‘I can’t do it like that, baby. I can’t wait.’
‘Tom, let’s just take it slow,’ she touched his arm gently.
‘I can’t,’ he gritted his teeth and climbed onto the bed.
She watched him as he pulled at her jeans. His features both determined and on edge.
Was she ready for this? Was she ready to cheat? Every part of her wanted Tom… except for the small part in her damn head that had said ‘I do.’
Tom’s hands were on her again. Her jeans were gone and so were her knickers. He traced his fingers down her torso. Her body shook and she closed her eyes.
He moved his hand between her legs and she felt him lightly trace circles over the wildly responsive flesh. His delicate but precise touch had her lifting off the bed to meet him, pushing towards his hand.
‘Tom,’ she grabbed his wrist.
He pulled back from her, picked up her left leg and repositioned himself between them.
She began to tremble uncontrollably. He looked at her with passionate all-consuming eyes and moved towards her.
Suddenly the picture hit her – what she was about to do. She was going to have actual sex with another man. Here and now, for real and not in her dreams. Tom was going to make love to her.
‘No,’ she pushed him off lightly as he moved closer to her, ‘I can’t… this is too real. This is wrong.’
He frowned at her and shook his head, ‘Alice, please don’t do this to me – don’t make it about anyone else, we’ve come too far.’
‘I’m sorry I can’t let you put it inside me. I’m the worst kind of cheating whore if I let you do that,’ she felt tears fall on to her cheeks. They weren’t tears of guilt though they were tears of frustration and need. She needed him to do it.
Tom’s eyes glazed over too and he wiped his hand across them.
‘Baby…’ his voice was stern, ‘please move your hands.’
She looked down and realised she had placed her hands covering herself so he couldn’t enter her – she felt like an idiot – but she didn’t move them.
‘Tom, please…’ she begged, ‘we have to do the right thing.’
‘I’m trying to do what’s right for us.’
‘I didn’t mean that. I just meant we have to think about others…’
‘No, you didn’t.’
He lifted one of her hands away and held it over her head the way he always used to. More of her hot tears slipped down her neck and onto the pillow.
He grabbed the other hand and she struggled against him a little. With his thighs he pushed her legs towards her body. He breathed deeply, his face was set and the muscle in his jaw twitched.
Tom bent down and kissed her. She turned her head away sharply and struggled beneath him again.
‘Why are you still doing this?’ she squirmed, ‘Just let me go. You can’t do this if I don’t want to.’
Why was she acting like this? All she wanted was him inside of her – desperately she wanted it. If he turned away now and gave up, she would fall to her knees and beg him to finish. But something was making her resist. She didn’t understand herself at all? She just kept silently praying he wasn’t going to do the right thing. She bucked against him.
‘Fucking stop it,’ he half shouted, ‘stop fighting me.’
‘It’s not right,’ she cried turning her face towards him.
‘That’s it, that’s enough baby,’ he tried to keep his voice calm.
‘I can’t,’ she looked him square in the eye, ‘I can’t just do this willingly. Help me…’ she whispered.
‘It’s just you and me,’ he whispered back. She felt him push slightly forward. His whole body was tight. Beads of moisture grouped on his chest and upper arms and his voice was laboured, ‘you’re seventeen and I’m your English teacher,’ he pushed forwards a little more and she felt that part of her body open to him, ‘this is my old house and that song is playing…’
‘Don’t say that…’ she looked at him, ‘can we really pretend we’re those people again?’
Tom grabbed her waist, stilling her. He closed his eyes, ‘I love you,’ he whispered, then he flexed his hips driving himself deep inside of her with one blunt thrust.
‘Oh no, Tom!’ she cried out, scrunching her eyes shut.
‘I’m so sorry, baby,’ he pulled back and pushed forwards again. The feeling was unlike anything Alice could describe. She had felt it before, but nothing prepared her for the instant explosion in her head, cheeks and throat.
Her inner muscles tightened around him and he moved faster. She was suddenly and speedily building towards what she thought had become impossible. There was something about him – about the way he made love to her.
Tom let go of his composure and grabbed at her body. He pushed into her over and over. Each time raising high above her, she began to stroke his hips and urge him forward.
She could hear her own cries outside of her head someplace. But all she could feel was him inside of her. This wasn’t romantic sex. It wasn’t tender or considerate. It was letting go. It was drowning. It was what she needed. Her own concerns had flown out the window as soon as she realised what it meant when he was with her.
‘Alice,’ he could barely get the words out, ‘next time I’ll make it amazing for you I promise.’
‘Shut up, this is… it is amazing,’ she kissed his arm and he thrust harder.
‘I love you,’ he said again, ‘I know it’s not like that for you, but I love you, Alice Rutherford.’
He called her the name she had waved goodbye to seven years ago.
‘Tom, I think…’ she couldn’t say the word. She didn’t want to jinx it.
‘Okay, wait for me. He positioned himself higher and every movement ratcheted her up and up. His whole body tensed and his already corded muscles hardened further. She felt her tummy clench, then her head dig into the pillow. Then she felt it – her moment of absolution. She was falling or drifting and he was cursing. She felt his climax, and her own orgasm belonged only to him.
I love you.
In the heady aftermath of what was the best five minutes of her life and as her body came down and the small ripples of pleasure still teased her limbs, she heard only his voice. His beautiful Irish accent kissed her ears. She had missed him so much and now her heart remembered what her body always had.
‘Baby, I’m not moving until you promise me you’re not going to freak out?’
‘I won’t,’ she kissed him.
He smiled.
‘You won’t run?’
‘I won’t.’
‘Lastly, you won’t say that this was a mistake? I’ll keep you in this room forever if you say we’re done.’
She smiled at him again, ‘I can’t…’
‘Because I didn’t take no for an answer? Do you think I forced you?’ he cursed himself.
‘You didn’t force me. I was going to say it wasn’t a mistake and I hope I don’t ever believe it was.’
Wait till morning.
Tom smiled and let his head fall to the pillow beside her.
‘Thank God. It was a close one, I was about to give up,’ he laughed.
She giggled, ‘I needed you to do that.’
‘I love you,’ he said for the third time, ‘if I keep saying it you might take pity on me?’
‘I could never pity you.’
‘Could you love me?’ he grinned.
‘Tom.’
‘I know.’
‘I’ve got to go I don’t even know what time it is?’ Alice looked for a clock.
She saw a flicker of sadness on Tom’s expression as he looked at his watch.
‘Eight forty-five,’ he winked.
Alice laughed, ‘don’t pull that one.’
‘What? It is.’
‘I have to, Tom,’ she kissed his neck. Breathing in his woody scent she hoped it wasn’t the last time she would smell it.
Tom went up on his arms again and pulled her underneath his body.
She sighed.
‘If you leave you’ll make me feel really cheap and used,’ he smiled and kissed her nose.
‘Can we do this, Tom?’
‘Absolutely…’ he looked down his body and smiled again, ‘yep, I’m ready.’
‘Again that’s not what I meant. And how at your age are you ready again?’
Tom’s mouth fell open, ‘I’m hurt.’
She giggled and stroked her palms down his chest and wished she was stronger. When it came to him she was pathetic. When you mix genuine honesty, a touch of playful humour and the best sex of your life together it was hard to be anything but weak. Add into the pot a visual feast of dirty prince charming you may as well throw the towel in.
‘The question is, are you ready?’ he asked.
Alice nodded.
She was high right now. But she knew the low would come later.
He pushed into her again with no less urgency of just minutes before. No less want or vigour. He was only ever all or nothing.
‘I love you,’ he breathed.
Her eyes welled up not with fear or sadness now. Not even with love for this man. It was how she felt when he was taking her. She was a mass of nerves and memories cumulating with every stroke. Nothing could ever raise her to the point of no return and keep its foot on the gas the way becoming one with him did.
You stupid girl…
LEAVING
Tuesday 3rd August
It was quarter to two in the morning. Tom knew she had to go but it didn’t make it any easier.
He watched her gather the clothes from the floor quickly and dress in silence. From the warm burrow of his bed he wished that his door would lock and never open, trapping them together for eternity with nothing to do but talk and screw.
They had fallen asleep for a while and Alice had woken moments ago in a panic. She tried to get out of bed immediately but he had kept her in his arms for a full forty seconds until she wriggled free from his hold.
‘Alice?’
‘Tom, have you seen the time? I’ve got to go – I’m sorry,’ she said pinning her hair up franticly.