Mr Chambers

by Tammy Bench

  ‘Alice?’ he said again.

  She stopped pinning and turned to him.

  ‘You know what I’m going to ask?’ he swallowed.

  ‘I take the pill. You don’t have to worry.’

  ‘What? Why would I care about that?’ he shook his head.

  She was unbelievable sometimes. Did she really think that he would mind if she was to become pregnant with his child? Like that wouldn’t make him the happiest man alive? Giving him the claim he so desperately craved, as well as a baby that was theirs. Made from two people’s souls that should exist together above all else in this world.

  ‘Oh, I thought seeing as how we hadn’t discussed it and you weren’t in any hurry to… you know, that you would be worrying by now. You always did before?’ she picked up her bag.

  ‘I’m not worried now, baby.’ Tom started to get up.

  ‘Don’t see me out, stay in the warm. It’s too emotional anyway,’ she smiled tightly concealing her feelings the best she could, ‘what were you going to ask then?’

  ‘I have five more days. Will I see you again before I leave?’ he tried to stop his voice from choking on the words.

  Alice moved to the bed, leaned over and kissed him. Her hands ruffled through his hair. Her large eyes looked sad, ‘of course, I hope so,’ she whispered, ‘but right now I’m in a whole heap of trouble.’

  ‘Not with me,’ he grinned.

  ‘No, not with you. With you, I’ve made a whole heap of trouble.’

  She walked to the door and the feeling of uncertainty in his stomach stepped up a gear. His body wanted to stop her and his head was full of ways he could make her stay.

  ‘Rutherford?’

  ‘Yes, sir?’

  He closed his eyes, ‘don’t forget.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  ‘What won’t you forget?’ he asked in his teacher voice.

  ‘That you love me,’ she paused, ‘and that I think I still might love you too.’

  She hurried through the door and didn’t look back at him.

  She might love you.

  He was stunned.

  He wanted to jump out of bed and pull her back. But she needed to go. She was a mother and her child would need her soon. Morning would come and things would look different, but hopefully not that different.

  His brain was tired. Tom turned over and willed sleep to come back to him quickly.

  She loves you…

  ‘So, how was last night?’ Neil asked as Tom stumbled into the kitchen a little after nine.

  ‘Good,’ Tom growled, ‘any coffee on?’

  Mornings provided more of a challenge as he had got older. The only way to blast away the cobwebs used to be an early run before school. These days caffeine came first.

  ‘It’s fresh,’ Neil placed a phone on the breakfast bar. Tom’s phone.

  ‘You left that downstairs last night and you forgot to call me.’

  ‘Sorry, I was just so tired. What time did you get back?’

  Tom fidgeted in his seat and sipped his drink.

  ‘About half past eleven.’

  ‘Good night was it?’ Tom asked cheerily, as he began typing a message.

  ‘I’m more concerned with hearing about yours,’ Neil smiled and raised his eyebrows.

  Tom didn’t respond he wanted to keep Alice out of this.

  ‘We talked – it was good – she left.’

  ‘You left a beer on the coffee table and it was uncharacteristically half full.’

  ‘Did I?’

  Neil started to butter some toast, ‘you did, and I don’t want to be rude, but when I walked up the stairs to bed last night I’m pretty sure I heard ‘sex’ noises,’ he started laughing then.

  Tom smiled and grabbed some of his toast, ‘I must have been dreaming.’

  ‘Nice dream. Did it happen to leave at about two this morning?’

  ‘It may have, Lieutenant Columbo.’

  ‘I told you,’ Neil looked at him smugly.

  ‘Well it wasn’t the way you said it would be. She wasn’t just out for a quick thrill,’ Tom’s jaw clenched.

  ‘What was it then?’ Neil asked suspiciously.

  ‘More than I expected,’ Tom replied, avoiding any details.

  ‘Why aren’t you sharing?’

  ‘You know why.’

  ‘Because you love her,’ he mimicked Tom’s voice and clutched his heart in an overly dramatic fashion.

  Tom nodded and finished his drink, ‘indeed.’

  ‘So what do you hope to have gained?’ Neil asked.

  ‘A second chance,’ Tom replied.

  ‘Do you think you got it?’

  ‘The beginnings of one I think.’

  ‘Where’s this going to end, Tom? You bedded her, isn’t that enough?’ Neil said finishing his toast.

  ‘Of course not, if anything it’s made it worse. She’s gone now and I’m burning with jealousy wondering if she is playing happy families with her fucking husband? That’s how crazy it makes me. I won’t be done until she is back where she should never have left.’

  ‘Tom, you need to wake up and realise this isn’t 1996. You aren’t the king of her world anymore and she isn’t the teenage girl you left there. I can’t stand by and watch you fall apart again.’

  ‘No one’s falling apart,’ Tom sighed and looked at his friend.

  ‘I hope to God you’re right, man.’

  Tom nodded, ‘me too.’

  He looked at the newspaper on the worktop. His eyes were drawn to the date. He was leaving on Saturday and even though she had said they would see each other again he wasn’t sure if he believed her.

  He wished more than anything she would wake up this morning without regret. With a heart full of a love they still shared despite all the complications. Most of all he didn’t want her to ever forget how it felt when they were together, because if she remembered that, it would be hard for her to deny their fated paths and bound hearts.

  And he prayed for her to choose him.

  CHEATING HEART

  Tuesday 3rd August

  Alice opened her eyes slowly. She looked at the alarm clock, it was gone nine. She turned her head to the right expecting to see Stuart next to her sleeping soundly. But the bed was empty aside from herself. She went up on her elbows and looked at the camp-bed and that too was empty.

  In the distance, from somewhere within her parent’s home she could hear the faint sounds of her daughter’s laughter and she let her head drop back onto her pillow with considerable force.

  Shit.

  When she had returned in the early hours of the morning the whole house had been asleep. She washed frantically in the bathroom and crept into bed beside her husband. Turned away from him and pretended to sleep. She pretended to sleep through 3am and then 4am and most of 5am at which she had dozed off at some point.

  Her mind had been spinning. Her body had felt twitchy and restless.

  She turned over again and stared at her husband’s back for a long time. It felt like she had just slipped a knife into his unsuspecting flesh.

  She stroked his familiar hair and tried to stop herself from wishing if he was to turn over to meet her touch she would be greeted with Tom’s face and not his.

  Guilt gripped her mind for long hours. She found herself mouthing her confession to him in the darkness but allowing no sound to spring forth from her lips. Just the silent whispering of it had aided in easing some of her darker thoughts.

  Then she would close her eyes and Tom would be there.

  He was making love to her over and over. The feel of him inside her made her skin tremble and the sides of her mouth pull up in the start of a smile. She found her hands touching her breasts and thighs when her thoughts were full of his voice and his strong embrace.

  The years that had passed between them had meant nothing. As soon as she was lying beneath his glorious body, watching his hips move and becoming lost in the exquisite sensation they evoked. All thoughts of the word �
��mistake’ had scattered from memory like the flippy-flappy dance of the pastel coloured confetti that had caught her attention on her wedding day, and had always remained one of her more vivid recollections.

  Alice had played the events of the evening over in her mind more than once since leaving Neil’s house. The things they had said to one another. How obvious it had been from the moment that they had laid eyes on each other again, that it would end up here, like this.

  And, time and time again she thought about the sex.

  Tom had said he had forced himself onto her – and in a sense he had. She had said no, and he had taken her anyway. The image of that should have made her angry and hurt, scared even. But in reality she had never experienced a more physically gratifying moment in her life. The choice removed from her and her submission expected.

  He knew her better than she knew herself. Tom always did everything right, in the right way, at the right time and with the right words. That made him a pretty impressive man, if not a little intimidating.

  How can I fight that?

  Alice heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

  She breathed deeply and got ready to recite her lie. Something else she had thought about repeatedly in the small hours of the morning. She closed her eyes and once again pretended to sleep.

  The door opened.

  ‘Wakey wakey,’ he whispered. She felt the bed de-press as he sat next to her.

  Alice peered out and yawned, made a few morning noises and the little rub of her eyes made the whole despicable farce feel more convincing.

  ‘Morning sweetheart,’ she reached up and stroked his chin playfully, ‘what time is it?’

  ‘Just after nine. Hayley and I let you sleep as you got in so late – I was getting worried?’ he asked what she had been doing without actually asking it.

  ‘Gossip, wine and girls,’ she smiled, ‘I tried to text you but the signal was rubbish from her place.’

  ‘I messaged you several times.’

  She had ignored every one of them.

  ‘I didn’t get any of them honey, till I was on my way back and then it just seemed pointless to reply when I was nearly home.’

  Stuart nodded.

  ‘Your parents have taken Hayley to the park. Fancy me joining you?’ he winked.

  Alice panicked. She loved her husband but she didn’t want to sleep with him. She had only managed to wash when she got back. A shower at three in the morning would have been too obvious and she may as well have screamed ‘I just fucked a man that wasn’t you!’ at the top of her voice. Sex with Stuart would be an insult, a slap in the face, with the smell and lust of another man still clinging to her repulsive skin.

  ‘I’m all yucky and sweaty. I don’t really feel at my most attractive. Let me hop in the shower?’

  Stuart looked at her and narrowed his eyes, ‘you’re always attractive to me, Alice.’

  ‘Thank you, but really I feel gross.’

  ‘Okay… I’ll stick the kettle on for you? We may get a cuppa and a quick read of the papers before they get back.’

  ‘Thank you, Stu – love you,’ her eyes glazed over and she looked away and rubbed her face again.

  I’m a whore.

  ‘It’s just a cuppa,’ he smiled.

  He disappeared downstairs and Alice pulled her phone out from under her pillow. She had stashed it last night and only just remembered about it. She looked at it, she had a new message from Tom.

  9.02am

  Morning baby…breathe…relax…don’t stress, please xxx

  Like that was possible?

  9.11am

  Morning, sorry I was sleeping – or something close to it. I’m texting you now before I see my daughter and start living again in my real world.

  Last night was amazing. I forgot I was once the girl that had you all the time – she was lucky. I’m so glad you never changed and even if this is all we have I never want to wish it different. xxxxx

  She read the message again, sent it and then deleted the conversation. She wouldn’t change it now but when this was over she wouldn’t even have his words to comfort her. She would be broken and in pain, secretly licking her wounds and pretending to the rest of the world that she was still the same woman.

  And this would end, how could it not? Maybe last night had been the end? Did knowing that make it easier to put the two men in different boxes? Tom was here and for whatever reason she’d had to re-live him. She loved him the same as she ever had, but he was a fantasy. Her husband and family had the bigger stake in her life, so she would just have to accept that and deal with the sadness that she was dealt.

  She thought about her old journal. She never did get a replacement. She wanted to write down everything that had happened so far, but she knew she never could.

  This is what infidelity felt like. It was like being as free as she could imagine, but at the same time in a prison built by your own hands. From which there was no early release or parole because unless you confess your crimes, the blood would always stain your hands and sleeping with one eye open would become normal.

  She felt the weight of deceit heavy upon her shoulders as she glanced at her phone.

  9.16am

  I can’t accept that last night was it. I know how it is for you, but I just can’t think like that – I won’t. I’m not going to put more pressure on you though, it’s hard and I get that xx

  9.21am

  Tom, you know I want to see you again but really with all of this around me how can I do that? Last night we were Tom and Alice again, student and teacher, lovers. This morning I’m Alice Lyons, wife to Stuart. For the past two days I’ve let myself be someone else and I’ve got to stop now.

  She pulled her legs up to her chest and grabbed the duvet around her a little more. Had she ever wanted anything as much as she wanted to carry on?

  Alice’s phoned beeped again.

  9.25am

  If you have ever loved me I’m asking you now for something I know I don’t deserve but I’m asking all the same. Don’t leave me without letting me have just one more day or even just an hour please? I can’t leave what we did last night there and move on. I will fight for you baby whether you want me to or not. And, I’m not above begging x

  If she didn’t see him he wouldn’t stop. He would always be there. If not physically then in her thoughts. That’s what she told her conscience anyway. Of course it had nothing to do with the fact that she was already addicted to this man. That she had never, not for one day ever stopped thinking about him.

  9.30am

  Tomorrow. Then it’s got to be it. We can’t play at this forever x

  In less than ten seconds he had replied. One sentence that both scared and excited her.

  9.31am

  Tomorrow I’ll win you – I promise xx

  She hoped that wasn’t possible because it was something she hadn’t allowed herself to consider yet.

  “SCENES FROM AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT”

  Tuesday 3rd August

  The restaurant used to be her favourite, ‘Sofia’s’. It was the place Stuart had asked to marry her, the place her parents took her to celebrate her A-level results and where Hayley had her christening dinner. It was a small family run Italian restaurant that was at the heart of the town and people absolutely loved it. It even had a waiting list at weekends. It had been a focal point of her life for as long as she remembered and its owners Frank and Sofia felt like family. So whenever they visited Stuart would call a few weeks ahead and secure a table for them, it had become sort of a tradition of theirs.

  He hadn’t told her until late afternoon that he had booked for tonight he also hadn’t told her that he had invited friends. Lewis, was more Stuart’s friend than Alice’s and his wife Bethany was way too confident for Alice to ever feel totally comfortable with.

  It was the last thing she wanted to do tonight. She had too much on her mind to be able to successfully traverse conversation with two people that she really had no incl
ination to entertain.

  ‘Why are they always late?’ Alice tapped her fingers on the table.

  Stuart laughed, ‘I think its Beth. She takes forever to get ready, drives Lewis mad.’

  ‘It drives me mad. I keep looking at what I want to order!’ she was starving having eaten nothing since yesterday.

  ‘It’s still going to be the meatballs for me. And before you say it, I know I should try something different but I just love the meatballs here, baby.’

  Alice’s head shot up from her menu, ‘What?’

  ‘What?’ he looked confused.

  ‘Nothing… the meatballs are good,’ she smiled.

  He had called her it. In as many years as she could recall he hadn’t called her that. That’s what Tom called her. Why would he do that? Guilt ridden paranoia made her grab her gin and tonic and finish it quickly. She raised her hand for the waiter.

  ‘Slow down Alice, you’re driving tonight I want to have a few beers.’

  ‘I’m always driving,’ she snapped before thinking. After what she had done how on earth did she have the cheek to moan about that?

  ‘Don’t start. They’ll be here any second, we can get a taxi,’ he looked down at his menu again and she stared at the top of his head.

  Don’t start?

  ‘No, I’ll drive,’ she couldn’t risk being picked up by the same driver who had dropped her off on Saturday night.

  She looked away from him towards the window. A little table for two was set with a bottle of wine chilling in a bucket, a ‘reserved’ sign sat on the edge and a single yellow gerbera smiled at her from a tall vase. It reminded her of those dancing sunflowers in pots that were all the rage from childhood. Some wore sunglasses and held a guitar, swaying from side to side as it played some cheesy summer tune.

  What was she doing? How could she sit here with him? This time last night she had walked into a house with another man knowing she would end up sleeping with him, wanting to sleep with him.

  You know it’s true…

  No.

  Yes.

  ‘They’re here,’ Stuart rose from the table and waved them over.

  Lewis, also a sports physiotherapist was an absolute dead ringer for Dec (Ant and Dec) in Alice’s opinion. Beth, well she was tall, voluptuous and always primped to perfection. Always tanned, with the silkiest raven coloured hair Alice had ever seen. She was loud and confident. She talked about sex and fashion and flirted with Stuart way too much. She made Alice feel even plainer then she thought she was, and boring for not being as open about their relationship as them.