by Tammy Bench
Stephanie set down a tray of tea and cake and laughed, ‘the only thing missing is Pat Sharp.’
Alice smiled, ‘and the power prize.’
‘A Mr Frosty… each!’ Steph continued mimicking the host’s voice.
Alice joined in, ‘A Spirograph… each!’ she laughed it was good to feel something other than worry for a few short moments.
‘Just imagine how much fun it would have been to go to one of these places as a kid. No wonder they get so hyped,’ Stephanie poured the tea.
‘Thanks.’
Alice had done nothing yet. She got back home from her afternoon with Tom to be met by tales of fishing trips that the kids wanted to go on with Stuart and Tony in the next half term and the present Hayley had bought for Zach being shoved into her face to look at and then wrap, because ‘daddy doesn’t know how to do it properly.’
This was her life and she loved all of it, however mundane it felt sometimes. How on earth do you go about pulling apart what they had spent so many years building?
How could she be around Tom and feel like that’s all she’d ever need and then come home to her family and feel exactly the same about them?
The only change she had noticed was sexually towards Stuart. He was a very attractive guy, tall and athletic. She had always found him sexy and never looked at sex with him as a chore. But since she had been with Tom that had all changed, her body was Tom’s again and under his spell. However much she had tried to look at Stuart in the same way she had only days ago, she couldn’t. She looked at him with love and affection and friendship and respect, but not with any desire to be with him in that way.
What did that mean? That she must leave him anyway because her body was hard-wired to Tom’s? Or could she just put her head in the sand and stay with what was safe? Dealing with the same broken heart she had always had. Hoping that her sexual feelings would return for her husband and all could be as it was.
When she left Tom on the train yesterday she had no doubt that she would be telling Stuart today that things had changed and she was leaving. When she got into the car park to retrieve her car and Tom’s train pulled out of the station her real life came crashing back onto her shoulders and its weight was considerable, its cargo equally as precious to her.
Alice now understood the decision that Tom had been faced with as her teacher and an adult. How sometimes you do things just because it’s the right thing. As a young person you only see what you need and want, but as an older person with responsibilities there was so much more to consider. For the first time she didn’t hate the part of Tom’s character that had walked away.
‘So then, what actually happened on Saturday night? You’ve been so busy catching up with everyone else I’ve barely got to talk to you over the last few days.’
Alice felt her face flush, ‘I told you already it was fun, everyone really seemed up for having a good night. Your year group should definitely have one.’
‘I meant after, when you text me about being late, then not getting in till I’d gone to bed. What was the deal?’ she widened her stare and grinned.
‘We just decided to go on to a pub for a nightcap that’s all,’ Alice lied. Should she just come clean and hope that her sister would understand?
‘Which pub?’ Steph asked casually cutting her cupcake in half.
‘Um the one near the school.’
‘Didn’t think they opened past eleven?’ she met Alice’s eyes and narrowed her gaze.
‘Well they were, so…’
A child started crying on the large trampolines and the noise drew both women’s attention away from the conversation for a second until they caught sight of their own children, saw they were fine and that the problem this time, was somebody else’s.
‘Stuart was asking me about the friend you visited the other night.’
‘Oh, what did he say?’ Alice fidgeted in her chair.
‘Just asking if I knew where she lived and how close you were and stuff – just making conversation I guess,’ Stephanie took a sip of her tea.
‘Why didn’t he ask me I wonder?’
‘Don’t know?’ she shrugged her shoulders and continued drinking.
‘Tom’s here.’
Stephanie coughed, dropped her tea cup onto its saucer a little too loudly, ducked her head low and moved towards Alice quickly, ‘what the fuck?’
‘Tom is here,’ Alice swallowed hard.
Stephanie darted a look towards the door of the soft play centre, then to the line of people waiting to be served at the counter.
‘Not here, but here in town. Idiot!’
‘Oh my God you’ve seen him.’
‘Yes,’ Alice nodded, picked up a little packet of sugar and started adding it to her drink – she didn’t even take the stuff.
Stephanie put her hand over her mouth, then slowly let it fall to the table and whispered, ‘You were with him the other night weren’t you?’
Alice bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath, ‘I was.’
‘Oh shit… he came to the reunion,’ her sister stared at her with wide eyes.
‘Just wait, I’ll tell you.’
‘You didn’t… you slept with him didn’t you?’
‘Steph, please it wasn’t like that…’ Alice hushed her.
‘It wasn’t like sex? What was it then?’
‘Well it was like sex but he…’
‘So it was sex?’
‘Yes.’
‘So you had sex with Mr Chambers behind your husband’s back. Oh my God Alice and I thought I was the rebel child.’
‘Fuck,’ Alice dropped her head into her hands.
‘Whoa the F bomb?’
‘Don’t make this a joke, it isn’t funny. He came to the reunion, not inside but he was there afterwards. He was waiting.’
‘Waiting for you?’ Steph cut in.
‘Yes. I was with Stu so I let him drop me off and then I got a taxi to where I thought he would be staying and confronted him,’ Alice paused and looked again towards where Hayley was playing.
‘She’s fine – go on.’
‘I actually went to his friend’s house and demanded to see him?! What was I thinking? I was a bit drunk I guess and I needed to…’
‘You knew what you were doing didn’t you?’ Steph narrowed her eyes.
‘He was… he was just the same. We talked for a few minutes and I left. But he gave me his mobile number and I text him.’
‘You made the moves on him?’ Steph looked shocked.
‘No, I didn’t. I left. When I got back to yours I was all over the place, but I text him to say it was great seeing him but it wouldn’t be happening again because...’ Alice paused took a deep breath and went on, ‘he had grabbed me and he had said that he still felt something for me… it wouldn’t be fair to lead him on by having further contact you see. So I tried to draw a line under it.’
‘So you did put the moves on him?’ Her sister half smiled.
‘No, I meant it.’
‘Uh huh, the same way I’d mean it if it had been Ryan Gosling? I’d really mean it.’
‘I wanted to see him but I knew I couldn’t, okay?’ Alice replied.
‘How did he talk you round?’
‘His honesty just like always. The way he doesn’t care how intense he’s being or how it looks to others… hell, I don’t know?’
‘Don’t stop I need the full picture,’ she urged.
‘So I agreed to meet him on Monday night, just to talk, straighten a few things out that were left unsaid from back then,’ Alice paused, ‘he was just the same Steph, so different from most men, so amazing.’
‘Really? Still bloody amazing after all this time?’
‘He is. He did a throw down and…’
‘Oh you can never underestimate the power of the throw down,’ Steph rolled her eyes.
Alice nodded in agreement. When a man pretty much throws you down and takes charge and tells you how it’s going to be is pretty hard t
o resist in most cases and certainly in this one.
‘I wasn’t going to do it even when everything was telling me to, but it just kind of happened in the end. He took me upstairs and I managed to forget I was married,’ she cringed.
‘Was it what you remembered?’
‘So much more,’ just thinking about it was making her need him.
‘Alright, the man can fuck. He can charm the pants off you with his smooth talking and mess with that stupid head you’ve got,’ she mimed shooting herself in the head, ‘how do you know he’s not just playing you?’
‘God, Steph if you knew him you would know that just isn’t in his DNA. He’s not that kind of guy. He wants me to leave Stuart.’
‘He’s an absolute lunatic – I thought that at the time too by the way – crazy, crazy! After one night he thinks you’re going to give up your marriage for him? God, he’s arrogant!’
‘It was yesterday as well.’
‘Alice,’ she scorned.
‘I know.’
‘So he’s begging you to run away with him? Saying he loves you? The insane bastard probably does still love you!’
‘I love him,’ Alice stared into her sister’s eyes and willed her to see that she was telling the truth and that this was serious to her.
‘Please tell me you’re not thinking about this? I know Stuart can be an arse from time to time but he’s a good guy,’ she took hold of Alice’s hand, ‘I can understand why you slept with Tom, closure, great sex, freedom, whatever and I don’t blame you. God knows we’ve all thought about cheating but…’ she paused, ‘I hate to tell you this… you’re brainwashed by a penis!’
Alice smiled a little, ‘I’m not. I would hope by now I know the difference between love and lust. When I’m with him he’s everything to me – I need him.’
‘And when he’s not with you?’
Trust her to pick up on that.
‘I’m me, here, a mum and a wife with a great life. I’m happy but I’m not full.’
‘Oh he “completes you?”
‘Don’t take the piss.’
‘I’m not. But I think you’re in love with the idea of him.’
The idea of him?
That hit her somewhere. Was she seduced by what he stands for? In a clear contest between the two men would Tom win without their back story? Would he win if the sex had been less than she remembered?
She wasn’t brainwashed… was she?
‘It’s not the idea of him,’ she stood her ground.
‘Are you going to leave your daughter’s father?’ Steph asked coldly.
‘You bitch,’ Alice bit back.
‘I’m calling a spade a spade – so you get a real clear picture here.’
‘I get it Stephanie; I get that I’m playing with more than my life here okay? I’m not a reckless person. But, he thinks I’m going to leave Stuart – I told him I would.’
Stephanie shook her head, ‘why did you tell him that?’
‘Because I believed I was going to. I think I still am.’
‘If you truly love the man that practically crushed you, owned your life for years then by all means be with the knob. You know I believe in living and not just existing Alice, but please be sure of what you are about to do. I’ll stand by you always but this won’t be easy.’
‘Thank you, I know that,’ she whispered.
‘I still can’t believe he’s back in your life?’
‘Neither can I, but Steph he is unlike anyone else, you have to believe, that I believe he’s worth the risk,’ she didn’t want her sister to hate him.
‘I do believe you.’
‘I can’t let him go again. I can’t say goodbye,’ Alice looked over at the children, ‘but I’m not ready to end my marriage right this minute. I know he won’t wait though.’
‘Why not? If he loves you as much as he says he does than he can wait till you’re ready surely?’ Stephanie took a bite of her cake.
‘He doesn’t see it like that. He thinks if I stay and take my time to work out a tidy break then I will never leave. He thinks that I’ll be playing happy families and sleeping with Stuart – to some extent I would be. If I don’t do it soon he will feel like I’m betraying him. I know that sounds odd.’
‘The balls on him!’ she spluttered.
‘He’s not like you’re thinking, he just see’s us as very black and white.’
‘He’s a jealous man, Alice. You have to be careful, what if you get together with him properly and he turns into a total nightmare?’
Tom was jealous but she didn’t believe in the way her sister imagined. He was giving, confident and selfless but he didn’t compromise or share. Switch their places and she wouldn’t either.
‘You’re going to have to stall him. You can’t do it this week at mum’s house and everything.’
‘I know that. But he goes back to Ireland on Saturday.’
‘Tough shit he is just going to have to deal with it,’ she warned.
‘I’ll call him later and explain, as long as it’s soon I think he will understand.’
‘How do you think this will affect Hayley?’ her sister asked.
She had opened the gates that Alice had not yet dared to touch. How her daughter, the love of her life, would cope with her parents separating?
People say that children get used to it. That couples break up all the time and although there is an adjustment period most kids get by. Now that was probably true, but Alice wasn’t happy for her only daughter to just get by. If there was one thing that would stop her in her tracks and make her see the bigger picture, then it would be her daughter’s tears.
Alice looked down at her cup and felt her heart wrench towards her throat, ‘Not now – I can’t now.’
‘Okay,’ her sister said resting her arm on Alice’s lower back, ‘I know this must be shit.’
Alice heard her phone beep in her bag perched on the chair next to her. She reached for it.
‘Bet that’s him,’ Stephanie said scowling.
‘It is,’ she whispered.
3.27pm
Hey, what’re you doing today? Is everything okay? I’m thinking about you almost every second, as sad as that sounds, it’s actually true. I’m not 100% sure when I became a girl but it looks like I am – what joy! I will try to keep the mushy love texting to a minimum, but it’s not guaranteed x
She smiled sadly. He was the missing part of her, he hadn’t taken something that belonged to her when he had left he had only taken himself. The emptiness that she had felt for so long was gone every time she heard his voice.
She didn’t reply though, she couldn’t until she had figured out what the hell she was playing at. Her fingers hovered over the small keys, he would be mad, but he knew she needed time to do this.
She placed the phone back into her bag and picked up her cake.
Stephanie smiled, ‘make him sweat.’
CLEAR WEB HISTORY
Thursday 5th August
Tom sent the message then cringed, he really had to either censor himself before texting some of the shit that he did or get rid of the bloody thing altogether. She knew he loved her did he really have to keep saying it every five minutes? She liked his dark side and she definitely liked a man to be a man so why couldn’t he shut up?
Right, the next message he sent would be testosterone fuelled and smutty to make up for the hearts and flowers he was currently churning out.
It was mid-afternoon and Tom was bored. He walked from room to room thinking about little other than their future together. He had spent two hours that morning cutting Neil’s expansive lawn and fixing a few fence panels that were loose. At lunch he had prepared a tuna salad for them both and Neil had ventured from his office for all of twenty minutes to eat.
They were seeing friends tonight so all he had to do was stay busy for a few more hours, before beers and chat would while away another evening not knowing what she was doing.
Tom stopped outside Neil’s offic
e, the door was slightly ajar and he pushed it open soundlessly the rest of the way and poked his head around.
‘Hey dude, can I borrow your car I’m going to go out to the…’ Tom stopped mid-sentence. Something on Neil’s desktop had caught his eye. Neil’s hand shot out and turned off the monitor quickly.
His face was red and flustered, ‘what were you saying?’ he stammered.
‘Who the hell was that?’ Tom’s mouth fell open.
On Neil’s computer screen he had seen a beautiful looking, half naked, Asian woman blowing kisses at his friend via Skype. Tom was shocked – he was expecting to see a page full of web addresses and computer hacker stuff, not a half-naked girl making out with a webcam.
‘What?’
‘Who’s the woman getting her rack out for you?’
Tact wasn’t one of Tom’s strong points. It wasn’t any of his business really, but the amount of times he had been given a hard time or grilled about woman by his best friend made him hungry for revenge. Neil was such a private so and so too, which made it all the more intriguing.
‘No one – yeah borrow the car just don’t kerb the alloys,’ he turned back to the screen and shuffled some papers around.
Tom smiled. He had him on the back foot.
‘Are you sex chatting with random Thai women online?’ Tom tried to keep the laughter from his voice, ‘Neil, you have about seven “girlfriends” you’re banging, why bother?’
Neil didn’t look at him, ‘I’m not sex chatting,’ he said quietly.
‘Oh did she pop up for online help?’
‘Shut up,’ he turned around, ‘her name is Jatu and she’s a friend I met in Phuket last year.’
‘A bit more than a friend, maybe?’ Tom smiled trying to coax it out of him.
‘A bit,’ he agreed.
‘Don’t turn her off on my account – not that it looked like you could,’ Tom put his hands up and started backing out of the room in comedy fashion.
‘We’re getting married.’
That stopped him in his tracks.
‘Sorry?’ Tom couldn’t quite believe his ears. Neil the last person he ever thought would take the slow walk of doom as he called it, had actually said the ‘M’ word.
‘Married – I’ve asked her and she’s said, yes.’