by Tammy Bench
He moved her legs apart and manoeuvred his body between them. But his eyes were hurt.
‘I’m sorry,’ she muttered and pulled him close to her, ‘I wasn’t thinking straight.’
‘It’s okay, baby, I get it.’
THE QUEEN OF HEARTS
Wednesday 4th August
Tom had lost. She wasn’t going to leave her husband; her question had told him that. She would be one of those strong, selfless women that would put her family first despite breaking her own heart in the process. In a way he had to admire her for being able to do that, because as his divorce had shown him, he could not.
What now? Give up and walk away? No, that wasn’t his style, he would fight till the end and hold on to the tiniest hope that still flickered, however fleeting.
With a lust that dripped with sadness and anger he pushed her back onto the bed. He wouldn’t let her see it though, but he could use it the only way he knew how to.
He looked at her laid out, naked. He pictured her in a grey skirt and white school shirt, breathing rapidly and awaiting his next touch. But that image seemed wrong now. She wasn’t that girl anymore, she was so much more and worth so much more than he had ever given her.
Her green eyes held his gaze and a small smile passed her lips. Her little hand moved to his face and stroked his hair.
‘Why have you stopped?’ she whispered like it was a secret.
His eyes travelled over her body slowly, her full breasts, exquisite pink nipples, then her quivering little belly, thighs...
‘I’m not your man, Alice. I shouldn’t be allowed to see you like this.’
‘You are.’
‘You know what I mean.’
Why was he giving her opportunity to run?
‘Don’t tell me you aren’t mine,’ her little face frowned at him. Did she have any idea how much all of this was hurting him?
Tom looked down at himself, his penis was practically shouting at him to shut up and get on with it. He ran his hands along the insides of her smooth thighs, spreading her legs further.
‘I’m going to have you until you’re begging me to stop,’ he said honestly, ‘at least that’s one way I know you want me.’
Alice shivered, but shook her head, ‘Tom, that’s not the…’
It’s the last time you will be with her.
His temper suddenly shot through the roof at the prospect of her leaving. Did he have it all wrong from the start? Did she only value their physical connection? Was the love he felt for her truly reciprocated?
He cut her off, ‘No, baby if all I can do is this…’ he gestured towards his body with anger, ‘then that’s what I’ll do for you.’
‘That isn’t all you can do…’ she started.
‘Just leave it, Alice. I know my place. You love me fucking you, but you don’t love me enough to follow your heart?’ he snapped harshly without thinking.
‘That’s not fair. Where’s all this bloody coming from? It’s not that easy,’ she bit back.
‘You married your fucking rebound Alice, and now you expect me to beg for crumbs from his plate?’ he was shaking.
‘How can you say that?’ she stared at him as if he was a stranger.
Tom pushed down some of the bubbling anger and breathed. This wasn’t her fault.
Make it right, Jackass…
‘I’m sorry baby – I didn’t mean that,’ he reached down to kiss her lips but she turned her face away from him. ‘Alice, I’m sorry. I just lost it.’
You have just lost it…
Her expression crumbled against the pillow and she began to push at his shoulders, ‘Fuck you, Tom,’ she sniffed, ‘do you think I’m some sex addict that can’t wait to jump you? I have a husband I married because I fell in love with him and believe it or not we have sex that’s good. I don’t need you for that. I also…’
‘Shut up!’ he boomed suddenly in his teacher voice.
Her mouth snapped closed.
He gripped her cheeks hard with one hand and shook his head, ‘please stop,’ he whispered, ‘or I will kill him.’
‘Why are you being like this? What the hell is wrong with you?’ she shouted.
Tom opened his mouth to speak but shut it again quickly.
‘What?’ she said again.
‘Alice, I…’ he wiped his eyes, ‘I can’t stand you loving another man and not knowing what is going on between you both. Then you start telling me about how fucking great your marriage is? Really!? Are you trying to rip me apart here? I can’t…’
‘I pick you,’ she tore her face away from his hand fiercely, ‘you fucking crazy bastard!’
‘What?’ he asked not quite understanding.
She lifted her head off the bed and shouted, ‘I hate you! Sometimes I can’t stand you. But I’ve always chosen you, I’ve been doing it my whole damn life. I don’t know how I’ll sort it all out, it’s such a mess – but I can’t leave you again,’ she hit at his chest with her fists, ‘you stupid stubborn fuck. I should tell you to go jump. You did all this to me… you walked away from us. Now I’m the evil one messing you around?’
Tom grabbed her hands that were still punching him and held them at her sides. He was breathing fast, his heart exploding in his chest. He positioned himself over her and pushed forward with a stroke that he hoped told her everything he was feeling. Her wide eyes locked with his and her face both hated him and worshipped him, but her body responded as it always had – like it was home.
ECSTASY
Wednesday 4th August
She couldn’t do it any longer. She couldn’t watch him hurting, falling apart, all the while never truly knowing how she felt. The anger was his way of showing his emotion and it scared her. He would have ended up pushing her away because it was easier for him to deal with, but she didn’t want to be moved aside this time. Dumped, because he couldn’t handle it coming to a gentle close. What she had told him was the truth, but how she would follow through with her decision was beyond her?
She wanted to spend the rest of her days with Tom, but at the cost of so many people’s sadness and heartache?
God, what had she said?
Tom moved over her and not so delicately pinned her to the bed and proceeded to push himself inside of her.
She moaned as he thrust deep and grabbed her waist lifting it off the bed and pulling her body towards him. This instant rush of his flesh hammering against her thighs sent her mind spinning. He dug his fingers into the skin on her sides, fighting with each stroke to gain more ground and join their bodies further.
His face was determined. He moved like he was born to do this.
Then Tom winked at her. It was a simple gesture that meant so much. It meant I love you and I’m sorry. It also meant we’re okay, me and you. Whatever happens, I’m here.
She smiled back.
He bent his head and captured her lips in a solemn kiss.
‘I won’t ever make you regret me baby,’ he pulled away a little and whispered.
‘Yes you will Tom, probably many times, but I don’t care. That’s who you are. We will always be butting heads and making love – it’s what we do.’
‘Yeah, maybe you’re right, thank heavens for the making love bit then.’
He pushed deeper, his thrusts that were seldom gentle or weak felt stronger than ever. She had sensed and tasted some of it when she was a teenager. But now she had asked him not to hold back he was giving her what she wanted.
Her cries grew louder. If she didn’t love the feeling of this type of sex so much it could have bordered on crazy. But the lines of pleasure and pain often blend, meeting somewhere in the middle. A murky grey area where a simple orgasm becomes boundless. Where men and women set aside their preconceptions and are allowed to live without proper thought and conscience for a few short moments.
He understood this. Where many men would hear her cries and ease their speed or purpose, concerned they were doing something wrong, Tom heard them and listened to the part
that most men couldn’t, and with it making sure that the next sound was louder than the last. He had a way of looking into your eyes and reading what you wanted without ever having to ask.
He just kind of got that she had a backwards type of logic. Sometimes she said no and meant yes. Sometimes what appears savage is in fact the one thing she burnt for. Tom was capable of gentle love making too, he had shown her that before. It’s just right now, since they had met again, the urgent, frantic, crazy love seemed all they could do.
He controlled her when they made love. Not in the obvious ‘dominant male’ way – he was that – but he actually controlled her with sex. Tom, to her was something she would never be able to fully harness. She would never be able to overpower him in anyway, emotionally or physically. She would always crave him and when he wasn’t by her side she’d ache for his touch. He could gain his way by pushing her against the nearest wall and simply staring at her, regardless of whatever fight or heated exchange had gone before.
Alice knew being with him would change the way she lived. Could she be the girl she was now and still have enough time to satisfy both their desires?
Tom placed his hands under her bum and lifted her effortlessly in his arms. He twisted and sat on the bed. Alice now on top she moved quickly, she felt herself building without any hope of slowing and any moment she would come apart in front of him.
He watched her face as he guided her movements with his hands, pushing her away then powerfully pulling her back.
She wasn’t embarrassed where normally she would be – it was daytime, she was naked, her body no longer that of a teenager. Tom, on the other hand was still somehow in peak condition? Something that put her in mind of Dorian Grey. She was fully exposed to his ice blue stare but instead of shying away as she thought she would, the whole experience excited her.
‘This time I’m never leaving,’ he said as Alice moved her own hands to her breasts, ‘I like that,’ he whispered.
She smiled back.
‘I’ll take care of you. I promise,’ he vowed.
‘I know.’
END OF THE LINE
Wednesday 4th August
Later, after they had re-showered and dressed and Tom was waiting for Alice to fix her hair before they left, he had a flash of guilt, real guilt. For about five minutes while sitting on the edge of the bed they had just made love in Tom felt like the bastard he was.
Alice’s husband was probably a good guy and a good father. Tom had stolen another man’s wife and hadn’t even given the guy a chance at a fair fight. Her daughter was going to live away from her dad because her mother loved a stranger and he knew all too well how that felt.
Tom shook his head and pushed his hands through his hair. He couldn’t think like this it wasn’t helpful to anyone. He had to be strong now, for all the things that were to come for Alice he had to maintain a solid, unwavering front of calm confidence.
You won.
That didn’t sit well right now.
You won.
Shut up.
You won.
He had. But now he had to make his peace with God, her family and his own.
Tom smiled though. He couldn’t help it… she said she was his and however you looked at it, the outcome for him, integrity aside, was fantastic.
‘You ready?’ Alice appeared at his side and he looked up at her.
‘You’re sure?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, I am.’
On the train ride home they said very little to one another. For Alice, a head full of tough decisions and even tougher conversations lay ahead.
For Tom, he quietly made mental notes of silly things he must do before they started their life together.
He started working through his finances and thinking about logistics of when they would have all three kids under one roof during school breaks and weekends. He thought about his little car – that would have to go in favour of a larger model.
He looked out of the window and fantasised about taking Alice away on holiday, visiting all the places they had dreamed about when they were both younger. He didn’t know where she had travelled in the years they were apart. Before that thought would have pissed him off but now he longed to talk at length with her about their lives and what the other had missed.
Now she belonged to him he could swallow his jealousy and embrace everything she was.
He took her hand and she stirred from her absent gaze for a moment, looping her fingers around his, but not looking at him. She needed time and she’d get it.
His mind flicked back.
Then of course there was the issue of living in different countries. Would she move to Ireland? Since being back there he had really put down roots and didn’t relish the idea of starting again over here. He had just got the job he had always wanted and looked forward to the new challenges that would bring.
It all seemed too early for questions like that, he didn’t want to push her, and whatever she decided he could work around.
‘It’s nearly my stop,’ she sighed and tucked herself a little closer to his side.
Tom wrapped his arm around her and kissed the top of her head, ‘Do you know when you’re going to do it?’
He felt her head shake, ‘No. I don’t know how? I’ll get sorted in my head everything I want to say and then do it…’
‘Will you be alright? He’s never been violent has he?’
‘Hell no. He’ll be broken though,’ she sighed again.
‘So what now for us?’ he just needed to know what she needed him to be doing.
‘Well I’ve got a few days before you leave – I guess I will try to do it before then. If I can sneak out at all I will. Otherwise just texting and phone calls until the dust settles,’ she looked at him and smiled a tight smile, ‘I’ll need your strength when this is done.’
‘You never need ask.’
She nodded just as the train pulled into the station she had boarded from hours ago.
Tom looked out, this station was so dated, it had a definite eighties vibe about it. Red and blue gloss paint glistened from the benches scattered along the platform. The small cafeteria offered homemade Battenberg and Victoria sponge from a chalk board outside and on its window a big Mr Whippy sticker was peeling and faded from the sun.
An old man in a brown suit puffed on a cigarette while studying the timetable on the screen above him and the station clock ticked over another minute.
A railway station with its own sense of mystic and romanticism never failed to draw Tom’s interest, until today, today all it brought him was another goodbye.
Tom raised his body from the seat and she shuffled past. He walked behind her to the train door and followed her down the two small steps onto the platform. They were met with a gusty wind that made him smile.
‘Alice.’
She turned and hugged him tightly, ‘I love you. You better get back on.’
‘I love you too,’ he held her hand and kissed her fingers.
The guard blew his whistle and Alice jumped, ‘Go,’ she urged quickly.
Tom hooked one arm onto the inside of the train door and leaned out again pulling her close. The guard waved his hand at them, but Tom ignored him.
‘Tom, you’ve got to go,’ she said into his chest.
‘Sir!’ the guard shouted.
‘I know,’ Tom shouted back.
‘Sir, the train is about to depart!’
‘I know,’ Tom shouted again. He kissed her once and jumped on board just as the doors closed and trapped his upper body. Tom grinned at her and slipped the rest of him inside. He shrugged as the train pulled away and watched her wave for a moment, then turn for the car park.
Tom slumped back down in his seat. It was up to her now, he had done all he could.
Who would have thought only days ago he was sat on a plane longing to see the love of his life – not to talk to or to hold – but just a glimpse would have been enough he had thought. Then she had walked into that li
ving room and changed his fucking world again.
His phoned beeped. He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled it out.
4.50pm
Tom, we are for keeps, aren’t we? x
What was she thinking?
4.51pm
Baby, do what you have to do then come to me. Forever looks like us, together. I know you’re confused but in your mind just picture me waiting – cause that’s what I’ll be doing. I love you xx
4.54pm
I love you too x
4.57pm
You need me at any point, just shout - I’m minute’s away xx
Tom closed his eyes and pictured his own children. They would be happy that he had found someone to be with, like their mother had. But Estelle would be a different matter she would be angry and understandably hurt when she found out who he was bringing back. To her, Alice was the reason they spilt and it would take an awful lot of smoothing over if they were ever to be comfortable with each other.
He imagined all the children together playing in his backyard, laughing and smiling. They would love Alice, they really would. In the picture in his head she was round with his child growing inside of her. She looked back at him with a love in her eyes that never changed.
As he had always prayed for heaven to exist, his own would look like this.
SOFT PLAY
Thursday 5th August
Alice bent to untie Hayley’s other trainer while she stamped her foot impatiently. Her cousins had already escaped onto the massive red and yellow coloured squashy apparatus. Rainbow coloured slides and rope ladders called to the already half-crazy children.
‘Calm down Hayley, you can go in a sec.’
‘But they’ve gone already, hurry mummy.’
‘Alright go,’ Alice replied as Hayley tore past her towards the ball pit.