by Tammy Bench
‘No, it sounds like a mother. As a mother you’re all too aware of what that situation reeks of. You say you confronted him, what if he played you into making the first move? I don’t want my wife thinking about another man. Alice, least of all the kind of man I would happily see on a Crime watch reconstruction.’
She couldn’t argue with him. He would never see it through the eyes of a teenage her and how could he? She would stand by her actions and Tom’s against any criticism. They were the only two people there at the time and they both knew what it had meant to them and means to them still.
She turned to her husband, he was a lovely man and it would be so easy to just carry on the way they were. Could she push Tom out of her head and replace him with the guy that had made her very happy? A dad that Hayley really deserved to have a hug from every morning and every evening to kiss her goodnight. Would the kisses Tom gave her mother be enough to compensate for that?
For the umpteenth time in the last week the word, ‘whore’ played across her vision of the future. She really was putting her own feelings and desires over the happiness of her daughter.
It was exhausting thinking this way. She wished she had never come down this week. That fate hadn’t decided now would be the time to draw the two of them together… and it was fate, it was always going to have to be like this. You don’t find a love like theirs that doesn’t have a price.
‘Alice, can you forget him?’ he asked then, ‘please just forget him, he doesn’t matter anymore.’
He’ll always matter.
‘I don’t know Stuart? I can try…’ she replied.
‘I’m being really patient here you know,’ he whispered.
‘I know that. I love you for that.’
‘Do you think I can keep doing this year in, year out? I know when he’s on your mind. I know when we’re in bed you think about him sometimes. I’ve never said anything because I love you and I know you love me. But it hurts Alice, it really hurts.’
He stood and walked over to the window. The top of his head caught the evening sunlight and it bounced off his dark blonde hair. He pushed his hands into his pockets.
She hated that he felt unwanted. Her husband felt like he was second best and in a way he was. He didn’t deserve to be.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she closed her eyes.
‘Let go of the past Alice, or you’ll ruin our future.’
OLD GHOSTS
Friday 6th August
Tom opened his eyes. It was pitch black. His head ached. He sighed and picked up his phone from the bedside table.
3.11am.
Shit, he hated waking like this and it had been the third time this week. It was an odd time of night, the sort of time that nobody should be awake. A time that was the night’s property and it was private.
He let his head drop backwards to meet the soft pillow, closing his eyes once more. His mind found an old memory of a night just before they had split up.
He had woken very much like this in the early hours and had turned over to find Alice sleeping next to him. It had been one of only a handful of times she had actually been able to sleep over with him. He remembered the momentary shock as he had forgotten she had stayed.
She was sleeping soundly like a beautiful angel, her golden hair fell down her small back and she looked… she looked like a young woman that shouldn’t be there with him.
In that split second he clearly remembered who he was, most of the time it seemed clouded and unclear. Their love was the invisible filter that sat atop all of his responsibilities and made him unable to fully process his actions. It had, however been eerily removed in the presence of the witching hour.
He was looking down at the girl that held his heart – she would always hold his heart. But the demons that held for him, he saw with perfect clarity in the darkest hours of the night. It should have been enough to send him running in fear from the warm nest that they’d created.
At this hour all problems seemed scarier and the burden of lies so much heavier. The beady eyes of old knowing souls stared at him from within the four walls of his bedroom, mocking his choices and condemning his very right to love the person he did.
Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.
He knew if he closed his eyes and pulled her to him, sleep would come and the morning would bring her laughter, and with it, the veil would once again descend upon the happy couple and tonight’s realisation would become just another bitter tasting dream.
He didn’t close his eyes, he didn’t hold her and sleep didn’t take him.
He stayed awake for the rest of the night and in the morning when she woke as bright as the sun itself, kissing his face and sending his head spinning, the shroud did settle over their heads. He did feel calmer, braver and more protected. But this time the delicate veil neglected to offer him quite the same coverage as before. For every now and again and very slowly at first he would catch a glimpse of something mildly repulsive in his own reflection and something approaching regret would grab his gut when he touched her.
It had been the beginning of the end. The first steps to open eyes and rational thoughts. The transition from lover back to teacher and vice versa was not so easy anymore. The truth that soon he would have to make a choice for them both was snapping at his heels daily and as much as he tried to shake it off it just wasn’t going away.
And the choice he had finally made was wrong – but for the right reasons. It was the same pathetic decision people made all over the world a thousand times a minute. But the minute that had belonged to his choice had haunted him every moment of his life since.
Tom opened his eyes again. He didn’t want to think about that night, he wanted to drift back to sleep with the images of something happy, maybe sexy and definitely about her. He wanted her face to fill his dreams until her body filled his bed and at last he would have the right above all else to call her his girl. No one could dispute it. He wouldn’t have to fight to have her or lie to keep her ever again.
He lay awake for a while longer; the heavy silence became less foreboding as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. It wasn’t all that sinister now, as it had seemed at first. The past was half buried and the next couple of weeks held the promise of a new start, forgiveness and the re-building of a rare and true connection.
To Tom, Alice was like the one toy that your parents could never afford to buy for you as a child. The same toy that maybe one or two of your friends had – the rich kids – and you craved so badly. Even if, as adults you were given that toy you know you would want it and treasure it, with the biggest part of you feeling eight years old and bursting with excitement.
He sat up and swung his legs onto the floor, found his bag in the dark and grabbed some boxers. He wasn’t going back to sleep tonight; he was too wired. He needed a coffee, some food and maybe paracetamol. He pulled on a t-shirt and headed downstairs quietly.
Today was going to be a good day, if he was seeing her it was bound to be. But before that, he was going to have a little look at this Xbox thing and see what all the fuss was about and how it kept Neil amused for so many hours.
MORNING
Friday 6th August
‘Hayley, baby, wake up,’ Alice lay her hand on top of her daughter’s chest and as always was both comforted and scared by how much the small motion of her breaths meant everything to her. They say you shouldn’t live through your kids, but let’s face it as soon as they enter your life that’s all we live for, it’s all that really matters. Her family mattered of course they were her safety blanket, the people that knew her the best when she was as precious as Hayley was now.
Stuart? Well he was the one that saved her from the big black hole she was swimming in and taught her how to like herself again and how to love without guilt.
But Tom, he was the part of her life that reminded her she was a true, living person. That she was Alice Rutherford, a girl she really liked before life got in the way. He showed her that a love outside of
motherly love and loyalty could still be as crazy as she remembered.
‘No, mummy I’m tired,’ Hayley pushed her hand away and turned over. She was a teenager already.
‘Sweetie it’s past eight, we need to get you up.’
‘No, please I’m having a lie-in,’ she grinned without opening her eyes. She had such a sense of humour, it was both beautiful to watch and slightly annoying at times when coupled with her stubborn streak.
‘I love you,’ Alice kissed her cheek lightly.
‘I know that silly pants,’ she giggled and opened her eyes. She looked so much like her own mother had when she was a girl. Alice remembered looking at the browning, retro white edged square photos of her parents as children. She used to love spending time sorting through them and asking her mum how old she was in this one and where was the other taken and so on. By the time Hayley was two-years-old everyone commented how alike they were.
‘I need a hug from my baby,’ Alice pulled her into her arms and squeezed tightly and she tried really hard not to cry.
‘Get off me mummy! Why do you need a silly hug?’ she wriggled, but Alice didn’t let her go.
‘Sometimes mummy needs a hug, that’s all.’
‘Oh mum,’ she muttered in exasperation but submitted and wrapped her arms around her neck.
‘Thank you,’ Alice giggled softly.
‘What are you two up to?’ Stuart appeared in the doorway freshly showered.
‘Mum says she needs a cuddle,’ Hayley promptly informed her father.
‘Does she now?’ the question in his voice wasn’t sarcastic or suspicious, but a bit lonely almost asking if he could be the one to provide it.
Alice sighed and held out her hand to him, he walked over and put his arms round both of them. It was his embrace that had kept her warm for the longest time and it was his love she felt radiate out to his little family now.
‘I love you,’ he whispered into her hair so only she could hear, ‘and I love you,’ he said raising his voice and kissing Hayley’s head.
‘I told mummy I needed a lie-in daddy.’
‘Is that right,’ he raised his eyebrows and smiled at them both.
HOOKED
Friday 6th August
Okay this wasn’t his usual gig, and yes it was technically geek territory, but he had to admit it this was pretty addictive stuff. He had turned on the machine at about four that morning and the game that was already loaded he decided to try.
Call of Duty proved to be just that. The first person play appealed to Tom’s boyish action hero complex and the graphic missions were helping him to work out some of his stress. He hadn’t left the room to re-fill his coffee in three and a half hours and if he was given a pound for every curse that left his mouth he probably could take six months off work.
‘Well slap my arse and call me Judy!’ Neil spluttered as he walked in to the lounge at about eight that morning.
‘Leave it,’ Tom replied without turning away from his game.
‘Tom Chambers playing Modern Warfare 2, who would have thought? What was that you’re always going on about? Computer games are crap? Only for nerds? I could go on.’
‘Things have moved on since Pac-Man. What can I tell you?’ he answered hitting pause on the game and turning to face his friend.
‘Welcome to the 21st century my man, move over and I’ll show you how to multi-play.’
‘No. I haven’t finished yet, in a minute okay? I’m Jack Bauer right now – I’m up against it,’ he laughed, ‘make us a cuppa.’
‘Yes boss.’
‘And a bacon sandwich?’ he added quickly.
Neil started jotting his order down on an imaginary notepad.
Tom turned and raised his eyebrows.
‘Like I keep saying, I worry about you.’
‘Alright, alright I need to man up a bit before Jatu arrives. I need some tips,’ Neil smiled.
‘You’ve been living on your own too long. Getting used to country vegetable soup for lunch and fancy telling me the other day that your favourite programme is location, location, location. And whilst we’re on the subject of your masculinity, what the fuck is with the four cushions on my bed that aren’t actually pillows? You know that you have to chuck them on the floor before you get into bed, right? You’ve got this big arse house that you paint cream, you add no pictures to the walls, yet you have a thing for random girly shit.’
‘They’re scatter cushions of course you take them off first. Clearly you have no taste for soft furnishings.’
‘Soft furnishings isn’t a term that you should even understand.’
‘You’re a cave man Tom and I’m glad you’ve found a woman that finds that appealing. I have a feeling Jatu will enjoy my metrosexual side,’ Neil replied grinning at Tom.
‘You lost me at ‘metrosexual’ I don’t read GQ.’
‘You do surprise me,’ Neil rolled his eyes sarcastically.
He departed the living room and returned twenty minutes later with coffee and warm bacon rolls. Tom could get used to living here, he took the piss but Neil was a great host. He would make a brilliant husband as long as he could get used to having someone around him all the time. He was a sociable person but he also loved being alone, he was a great thinker and he was all about process and problem solving. So if she could be patient with him while he adjusts to his new set up there was no reason why they wouldn’t have as good a chance as anyone else going into marriage?
‘What’s your plan for today big man?’ he asked chewing nosily and watching Tom’s technique on the controller, ‘you need to loosen up your fingers they’re too tense and it puts too much pressure on the buttons and gives you less control of the game. It’s got to be relaxed.’
‘How do you relax when you’ve got a small army of mercenaries at your back and you’re trying to secure a safe house and re-load your side arm at the same time? He wouldn’t be fucking relaxed would he?’ he said pointing to the man from his game.
His friend laughed, ‘you’ll get the hang of it. It’s like sex, we were all shit starting out then with practice you hone your craft.’
‘I can’t remember ever being shit,’ Tom smiled and cast him a cheeky sideways glance.
‘That’s what they all say,’ they both laughed.
‘I’m going to hang here this morning. Go out later and pick up a few presents for the kids – I have the list they emailed me. Then I should be seeing Alice tonight, catch up, see where she’s at with things and stuff.’
‘Stuff?’
‘Lots of stuff hopefully,’ he continued.
‘I feel for her husband, Tom. The poor guy didn’t stand a chance.’
Tom paused the game again, ‘don’t think I don’t feel for him too. He’s by all accounts a good man and I don’t want to hurt anybody. I didn’t come here with that agenda. I was never going to actually approach her, she found us remember?’ Neil nodded, ‘Then how, after seeing her and speaking to her again could I do anything other than be honest with myself? I didn’t plan any of this, but when she was stood in front of me she was the very same girl that I lost a long time ago. She looked into my eyes and the emotion was unchanged regardless of everything. She looked at me and I saw every last thing she wanted. It was written as clear as day, as if our connection had never been severed at all.’
‘I guess. I know you’re not a bastard I just hope no one else will see it that way?’
‘The kids will be fine,’ he said reading what Neil was implying.
Tom paused.
‘And Estelle will come round eventually – she’ll have too. I fucking accepted Frank and all his bullshit didn’t I?’ he frowned thinking about his ex-wife’s boyfriend. He was a total idiot in Tom’s opinion. The kind of man that knew everything, had been everywhere and happily dispensed his worldly wisdom to everyone daft enough to listen. He was a successful sales professional, as he liked to remind Tom. Always spouting on that a teacher’s salary was capped but in sales the sky was t
he limit, totally forgetting Estelle was a teacher too – the douchebag.
He was a scout leader and a long distance runner. He played cricket and golf and was tee total. Okay, he was good with Tom’s children and he had three of his own, but he was still a shit.
‘Maybe given time she will?’ Neil concurred, ‘Frank is an android though.’
‘At last someone gets it.’
‘He’s like Ned Flanders,’ Neil joked plugging the other handset into the games console.
‘Poor Estelle what an earth is she thinking?’ Tom nodded.
‘She’s probably thinking how nice it is to be driving round in a brand new Mercedes courtesy of the man himself – nice birthday gift! What was it you used to get her, flowers and a card?’
‘Steady, she’s not like that,’ Tom would defend her honour despite being unable to fathom it himself.
Neil put his hands up, ‘Joking, I love Essie.’
‘Right let’s stop talking about Frank the plank its making my head hurt. Let’s see if your expert fingers can teach me a thing or two,’ he picked up his controller and started tapping the buttons aggressively.
‘Don’t turn me on Tom, we’re the only two people here and as we have already established I am metrosexual…’ Neil flashed his eyes at him.
‘I knew that would mean something I didn’t want to understand…’
JUST CAUSE
Friday 6th August
‘So what’s going on?’ Stephanie pulled Alice outside into their parents back garden and led her away from the children who were playing marbles on the patio.
‘Nothing new, I told him I needed a bit more time and he was fine with it,’ Alice replied pushing her sunglasses down from her head to cover her eyes.
It was mid-afternoon and the sun was full on, summer had a second wind and her father was intent on capitalising on it. He had been checking the weather all week and had been giving them daily updates. This morning he stepped outside, looked up to the sky and announced, ‘Yep, just as I thought this is going to be the best day we’ve had so far.’ He changed his chinos for shorts. Got into his car and headed to the butcher’s dragging Stuart along for the ride.