by Tammy Bench
‘Fine with it, was he?’ she glanced back at the house ‘that’s a turn up. Thought anymore about what you’re going to do?’
‘I’ve thought of nothing else. Stuart confronted me last night, said I was acting strange and asked if I had seen him.’
‘Shit no! What did you say?’ Steph asked holding her hand over her mouth.
‘I lied. I hate doing this I really do.’
‘People get fat from having their cake and eating it sis.’
Alice nodded, ‘I want him… it’s just our family?’ she shrugged.
‘I’m still convinced it’s just because you have the chance to get something back that you think is yours. If you don’t claim him then you’re scared that someone else will.’
‘It’s not a game.’
They walked together to the end of the walled garden and stopped again pretending to look at their mum’s overflowing and pretty impressive flower beds.
‘Steph, tell me something honestly?’
‘Sure.’
‘The whole time you’ve known about what happened between Tom and I you’ve never once said you thought he was in the wrong… like I mean creepy wrong. Stuart’s convinced that Tom’s a child abuser or something and I hate it. But did you ever think that too?’ Alice wasn’t sure why she had to ask this now. Maybe it was talking to her husband last night and him referencing Hayley as an example? She just needed the opinion of someone who was there at the time, who knew Tom then.
Stephanie sighed quietly, ‘I wish I could say I thought Mr Chambers was a nonce, Alice, really. But the truth is I don’t think there was ever anything creepy about you and him. It was never that weird to me, then or now. He was just a dude who happened to be a teacher. He fancied a girl who was too young for him, fell in love and then panicked. Now he’s just a dude with a big arse ego. You’ve got to admire him in a way.’
‘Thank you,’ she said and squeezed her sister’s forearm.
‘It’s only the truth. Look he was hot then and if he’s still hot now then I see the attraction – but all that aside I would still think very carefully about changing all of this…’ she drew a circle in the air, ‘all for a pretty face and lucky smile.’
‘Steph, I love you.’
‘Urghh!’ her sister replied pulling a face and they both started laughing.
‘Dad’s going to get the barbeque going soon so the kids can eat early. I need to get away later at about eight. I said I would see him before he leaves tomorrow.’
‘For fuck sake how the hell are you going to pull that off mid-evening? Just cancel, it’s too risky,’ she hissed back.
‘I can’t cancel I need to see him,’ Alice stopped to re-clip her hair up and stared at her sister like what she was planning was the most normal thing ever. Her sister stared back at her with her large brown puppy dog eyes in disbelief.
Steph thought for a moment.
‘All we could do is use a drink run as an excuse, I’ll say at about half seven that we’re running low on something and you pick up on it straight away and follow my lead, say you’ll go get it because you haven’t been drinking or something?’
‘Have I ever told you that you’re the best sister in the world?’ Alice hugged her quickly.
‘Get off me,’ she shrugged her off and looked around to see if anyone was looking at them, ‘some of us have a reputation to uphold you know?’
The rest of the afternoon passed in the most pleasant of ways. The children played at water fights with the dads before their dinner, causing a big fuss when it came to sitting down in wet clothes so everyone piled upstairs for a quick change, while her father moaned that the sausages were overdone.
Stuart didn’t question why she herself had changed out of her jean shorts and into a summer dress at about half past six, assuming that she wanted to dress up a bit for a family evening. She looked up at him and smiled when he tucked her under his arm and told her she was beautiful and she still felt genuinely happy.
When the kids had settled down, her mother had ushered them to their beds for stories and by 7pm Alice was ready for a drink. Her nervous energy was building but she had to refrain if her escape plan was ever going to work.
She was checking her watch constantly and making eye contact with Steph, who glared back at her to calm herself. Her mum came back down and announced the children were all asleep and everyone visibly relaxed a little more. Stuart grabbed a beer and smiling handed one to her dad.
Hayley was asleep, she was safe and now suddenly despite everything she felt for these people all Alice could think of doing was running to where Tom would be waiting. He would be there now, early, on that road they used to meet – he was always early to meet her but late wherever else he went.
‘Tony, did Stu tell you how much these burgers were?’ her dad, since retiring and taking more of an interest in the shopping budget liked to play the ‘guess how much’ game.
Tony swallowed the bite he was chewing before answering, ‘He didn’t Max, but they taste pretty damn good.’
‘Twelve burgers £13.50. That’s at the local butchers. I could have gone to the supermarket but you don’t know what they put in them these days… rabbit’s stomachs and horse hair probably,’ her dad replied and Tony nodded in agreement with another mouthful being relished.
Her father was the kind of man that kept other men in line, but in such a way that you didn’t ever realise you were being moved until your surroundings had altered. His son-in-law’s were no exception. They respected his position as head of the family and sub-consciously sought his approval in all matters.
He had stayed in pretty good shape since leaving office life and now swam almost every day at the local pool. He always threatened to build their own in the back garden to save on gym membership.
Her mum on the other hand had got a little rounder as she had got older, not large just cuddly, contented and very, very nanny-like. She was always the type of woman that should be a mother or have children around her.
‘Suzie, are they good?’ he asked his wife as she started blowing her burger after a small test bite.
‘Give us a chance, Max!’ she laughed kindly.
‘And why isn’t the girl eating?’ he turned to Alice, ‘lady, if you don’t put some weight on soon I’m going to have words with your husband,’ he shot Stuart a look, ‘no one wants a scrawny wife – whatever he says,’ he joked.
‘I’ve told her! It’s not my fault,’ Stuart held his hands up.
‘Excuse me,’ Alice interrupted, ‘I am here. I’ll have something in a minute,’ she replied.
She couldn’t eat.
‘Pregnant are you?’ Tony butted in with his annoying voice that made Alice want to punch him, ‘you’re not drinking either huh?’
‘Shut up,’ Steph pretended to swat his head, ‘she was just saying how she fancied some Pimm’s but I couldn’t find any in the kitchen.’
Alice’s eyes connected with her sisters, ‘yeah I really do – you know when you just get a taste for something?’ she nodded.
‘We’ll get some,’ Tony agreed quickly, ‘I’ve got the car here.’
‘I’ll go Tony, but thanks. It’s me that wants it and you’ve had a drink anyway,’ Alice panicked.
‘No, Tony can go babe. He owes me for the bet we had on the tennis match,’ Stuart laughed, ‘loser!’
‘He’s right, it’s cool Al,’ Tony put his drink down and patted his jeans to be greeted by the jangling sound of his keys.
‘If Alice wants to go…’ Steph pulled Tony back, ‘let her.’
‘Yes, I could do with getting some bits for Hayley for the trip back tomorrow,’ she knew she sounded desperate and she tried to shake it off.
Stuart looked at her closely. She felt like she was under an infidelity microscope. She reached behind her and pulled her summer cardigan from the back of one of the garden chairs and slipped it on.
‘Look babe we can get some stuff tomorrow on the way, don’t worry,’ Stuart s
aid again rubbing her arm.
She looked at her watch quickly. It was ten minutes to eight. She glanced up and they were staring at her. She must have looked odd? Grabbing her cardigan and checking her watch… how obvious could she get?
‘What is the matter with you?’ Stuart glared at her but tried to keep the anger from his voice.
‘Nothing.’
‘Tony’s going,’ he nodded at Tony who was already half way out of the garden gate anyway.
‘Okay,’ she whispered, ‘I just didn’t want to put anyone out.’
‘Don’t be silly darling,’ her mum piped up, ‘he doesn’t mind at all.’
‘Fine.’
She wanted to fall to her knees and cry. Just knowing Tom was a few miles away and waiting for her and that she couldn’t get to him was too much. He was leaving tomorrow and she wanted, no, she needed to hold him once more. It would make her decision so much clearer.
A few painful minutes ticked by, but when her dad moved back to the barbeque she used the distraction to casually walk to the kitchen. Stuart was chatting with her sister about a new artist that he had been impressed with and her mum was humming along to a tune on the radio.
She slipped inside and after retrieving her phone from her bag that was hanging from a dining chair she hurried to the living room and out of view of everyone.
She started typing a quick message to Tom.
7.56pm
I can’t get out, Stuart has
‘Who are you texting?’ Stuart was behind her. She jumped and pressed send by accident without finishing the message.
‘I… I was just going to text Tony to get some strawberries,’ she swallowed hard.
‘Your mum has some in the fridge. I had them on my muesli this morning and so did you.’
‘Oh course, it’s a good job I didn’t send it then,’ she smiled as sweetly as she could and flicked her phone off.
‘Alice, is something going on? You’re not yourself, is it that row we had last night?’ he asked in his pissed off tone.
‘Look Stu, it’s been an odd week, let’s just get through tonight then when we get home we can talk about it… all of it.’
‘What the fuck is that supposed to mean?’ Stuart snapped, pulling her shoulders round to face him.
‘It’s not supposed to mean anything,’ she snapped back, ‘and stop grabbing me like that it’s really annoying.’
‘Don’t fucking tell me how to touch you,’ the words came at her like a slap in the face.
‘What?’ she stared at him open mouthed. He never spoke to her like this. He was always respectful and had never once stepped over that line.
He was desperate and he wasn’t stupid. Just because she hadn’t admitted anything she was ignorant if she believed he couldn’t read it all over her face or that it wasn’t patently stamped over all of her silly actions this week.
‘You’re going to talk now,’ he said, not letting go of her arms.
‘I’ve nothing to say here and if you want my dad to come in and find us arguing like this then you can deal with the aftermath,’ it was a threat of sorts and Stuart wouldn’t want to upset the family whatever he thought he knew.
‘Sort yourself out Alice,’ he let go of her arms and shook his head, ‘your phone?’ he held his hand out.
‘What?’
‘I’m going outside and I’m going to put your phone away as you don’t need it now,’ he said smugly.
‘You’re being ridiculous…’
She felt herself falling.
‘Phone.’
She slammed it into his open palm and watched as he turned without speaking and walked towards the kitchen, opened her bag as he passed by and dropped it inside before he stepped back into the garden.
He didn’t even look at it.
She slumped onto the sofa and as much as she wanted to cry she didn’t. Her hands were shaking and mouth was dry but she didn’t let the tears fall. If she was going to do this at all she knew it was never going to be easy. But seeing Stuart like that had shocked her. He was a fiercely competitive man and any challenge to what he held dear he was never going to handle well or take laying down. She was watching him hurt for a reason he was yet to discover and the most upsetting part was she still loved him very much.
She had never felt more confused and she had never hated herself the way she did now.
Maybe Steph was right? Did she only want Tom because he was here and telling her she was his?
That couldn’t be the answer.
One thing was certain though, her husband deserved better than her. His actions were a direct result of her guilt and she had the cheek to look at him like he was the one in the wrong?
UNINVITED
Friday 6th August
Tom smiled to himself as he got out of Neil’s car and noticed how dusty the alloys were after the half mile drive down what was now a totally disused, gated road. Fourteen years ago it had been a short cut between the main town and a small hamlet four miles away. Since then a by-pass had been built and had proved the road redundant. The verges were over grown with pretty coloured meadow flowers, poppies and bluebells. The road itself was covered in a dry mud, probably churned up by the odd tractor that still ambled down it from time to time.
He was alone and for the next half an hour until she got there that was a comforting thought.
Tom breathed in the lush air.
The summer evening, there really was nothing quite like it. It held a poignant grace like no other time of the year. It was, for Tom, when he was at his most peaceful. He might have had a god awful day at work. The children might have been over excited and restless to be set free. The teachers might have smelt of stale coffee and dry cleaning fluid, but as soon as he got home on those precious evenings he left it all at the door. He would run up the stairs of his little cottage, take a cool shower and sling on a t-shirt and shorts or whatever was to hand and head out back.
His house overlooked fields. Not fields that were farmed, just open space, free space and with that came the feeling of happy isolation. To the left about a half a mile away was a tiny wood. He knew that the village kids called it a fairy wood or fairy den. It was a perfectly circular haven of enchanting trees and shrubs, untouched and holding a great deal of mysticism for children of Irish decent. He was damn sure their parents would play on the fact it was a fairy den and recount tales of evenings they themselves had seen the fairies as children – just as his own mother and father had done with him.
He loved sitting out on his deck with a beer in his hand just listening to nothing and like now, nothing always sounded pretty good.
Sometimes he would take work out with him and plough through essays until the light dimmed and even his reading glasses no longer helped. Until the air turned cooler and he could count the goose bumps on his arms. Giving in, he would retreat to bed with a misunderstood sadness that another day had passed him by, another day was over.
He hated when he felt like that and maybe until now he didn’t get why it was sadness he experienced? He used to think he was getting old or all the feminine love classics he’d had to read and recite in his lifetime had started rubbing off on his normal ‘manly’ life. But maybe it was more than that? Maybe it was subconsciously another day he had lost without sharing it with her?
He wanted her out on his deck with him. A bottle of chilled wine open on the table between them and her delicate voice talking to him about the things she had done that day. He wanted to be able to reach over and grab her hand, kiss her fingers and know she was really there.
He leaned back against the bonnet of the car and the warm metal felt good against his neck and arms. Neil would kill him if he saw this. Tom closed his eyes and the soft breeze tickled his profile and the warm sun kissed his eyelids a hazy shade of orange. He could doze off like this.
Imagining her wrapped in his arms under a blanket when it turned colder, knowing that when he finally did have to give in and return to the house it would
n’t hold the same melancholy it had before. It would be arousal that would accompany him up the stairs. The thought of making love to the prettiest woman in the world may even make for a lot more early nights when they got back home.
His mind drifted to the week after they had first made love, they had met here on this road and she had done things with him in his car… a man of experience and a teacher was being taught how to love without limits by a girl barely old enough to know what she was doing. Binding him to her in a way he could never dissolve the ties. Showing him that this was living, and all that mattered was the two of them.
He felt himself harden. She was in trouble when she finally arrived. They would be separated tomorrow and that meant this evening was going to be filled with the slow, steady love he was day-dreaming of. He knew he needed to see her and the feeling had been steadily getting stronger all day.
His phone beeped in his pocket and his heart sank. Tom sat up.
7.56pm
I can’t get out, Stuart has
Tom frowned and re-read the text. He waited for three minutes to see if the remainder of the message came through – but nothing.
He rubbed his head and started typing.
8.01pm
What do you mean, baby? Are you okay? X
He sent it and waited again. He paced up and down the length of the car over and over. No reply came. He opened the car door and started the engine. He sat with one leg outside and sent a second message.
8.11pm
Alice, I’m worried you didn’t say what was wrong? Has something happened with your husband? I’m going to lose it over here in a minute. Text back please…
He looked at the message she had sent again. She had said ‘I can’t get out’ then mentioned her husband. Did she mean she couldn’t leave because he wouldn’t let her? Tom felt his jaw tense.