I finally just blurted it out. “I think that you’re my father.” Then I immediately felt embarrassed about saying that to him. “I mean, well, the dates match up. And we have the same eyes.” I felt desperate, or, at least, I was afraid that he would think me desperate. “Say something, please,” I said after a few minutes of him just staring at me.
He shook his head. “What is there to say? I can see that you clearly are my kid, but what does that matter now? Your mother didn’t want us to know about each other, obviously.” Then he looked angry. “I can’t believe she would do something like this. I knew there was something up when she dumped me. Goddamn Gianna. Goddamn her.”
I felt weird, to say the very least. My mother was in surgery, and it was touch and go, and this man was “goddamning” her. I couldn’t help but feel superstitious about that. I involuntarily made the sign of the cross and bowed my head. “He didn’t mean it, God, really.”
He got up and started to pace the floor. “I know why she kept you from me. She didn’t want you associating with a worthless bum. I wasn’t good enough to be in her child’s life, that’s what.”
“Clint, I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said anything to you. It was just that, well, Stella said that you were here, and I never knew my father. I always wanted to, though. I always wanted a father in my life. Always. And now, here you are.” I smiled, but I knew that my speech was falling on deaf ears. Clint clearly wanted nothing to do with me, and I felt rejected.
Truthfully, I felt more rejected at that point than I ever did by this man. Growing up, I imagined that my father didn’t willfully abandon me. I was right about that, too, if Clint’s story was correct. But now that he knew about me, if he decided to walk away, it would be an active abandonment. That seemed so much worse, for some reason.
I blinked back tears. This actually wasn’t what I had envisioned. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to meet my father, and he was supposed to embrace me with open arms. Tell me that he was so happy to have found me, and we were supposed to establish an amazing relationship from that point on.
His face softened. “Hey, I’m sorry. You took me by surprise, that’s all. I just came down here because I saw on the news that your mother was involved in a robbery. I mean, not involved, but was a bystander who was caught in the crossfire.” He shook his head. “I never did get over her.”
It suddenly dawned on me what was supposed to happen here. “Clint, you know, my mother is single right now.”
I then saw a glimmer of hope in his eyes. “You know, you always remember the one that got away. Gianna was that for me. The one who got away. But it was my fault, too. I was involved in sleazy things back then. Got caught up in some drug-running in San Diego. Served time. I wouldn’t have been a good dad.”
I took a deep breath. “Do you think you might be one now?”
He smiled a genuine smile. “I reckon so. Much better than I would have been then. I’ve grown up so much since then. Prison can do one of two things for a man – it either breaks him or it makes him turn his life around. I chose for it to be good for me. I don’t have much, really, and I’m gone a lot, working on an offshore oil rig. But…”
I nodded my head. The words were unspoken. I knew that he would try to win back my mother, now that fate had brought him down here. And I was holding my breath that maybe, just maybe, I might have a father.
I couldn’t get ahead of myself, but I was thinking how amazing that would be if my father and my mother ended up together. A smile formed on my lips as I imagined me being a part of the intact family that I had always wanted and craved in my life.
“Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” I said. I suddenly felt extremely shy. “Maybe things will work out.” I tried to tell myself that they would, but first that would mean that my mother would have to beat the odds and make it through surgery. At that moment, that was really all that I wanted.
“Maybe.” Then he got up. “I hope you’ll excuse me, CJ, but I have to step out for a smoke.” He then smiled ruefully. “Yes, I still smoke cancer sticks. One of a dying breed.”
At that, he walked out of the hospital.
Asher was immediately over to where I was, sitting right next to me. “How did it go?” he asked me. He seemed almost anxious to find out.
“It was nice.” I didn’t want to tell Asher that I wanted to see Clint with my mother, and that I was already dreaming of the three of us being a family, plus Stella. It was too bad that she didn’t know her father, anymore than I knew mine up until today. I suddenly felt badly for her. Before, she and I had the fatherless thing in common. Now that my father was on the scene, would that change? Would she be jealous of me?
Asher was smiling broadly. “I hope you can establish a relationship with him, CJ. I really do.”
I simply smiled and said nothing. I didn’t want to give voice to my hopes, because, if I did, and they were dashed, than I would feel pathetic and pitied. That was the last thing that I wanted.
About six hours later, right when Stella, Asher and I were about to go stir-crazy there in the waiting room, the surgeon came out to talk to us. Clint was still around, too, but he had chosen to go to a different part of the waiting room. I felt slightly hurt, but I gave him his space. I didn’t want to seem too eager.
I read the surgeon’s face, and I saw good news. He was smiling. “Are you the family of Gianna Parker?” he asked Stella and me.
“We are,” Stella said. “How is she?”
“She made it through surgery. She’s resting comfortably in the ICU, but she has an excellent chance of a full recovery.”
Stella smiled, and she and I hugged tightly. “I knew it, I knew it,” I said. “Mom’s a tough old bird.”
“She’d kill you if she heard you call her old,” Stella said with laughter.
“True that.”
I really wanted to go in and see her, of course, but I knew that I shouldn’t disturb her. I also knew that the nurses and doctors probably wouldn’t let me see her anyhow. But I was antsy and anxious. I came so close to losing her, and there was nothing that I wanted to do more than try to make amends for everything that happened. And I wanted to get right on that.
Asher was sitting right next to me, his hand tightly gripping mine. He looked at me meaningfully, but I shook my head. “Not now, please? I need to see her. I need to know that she doesn’t hate me anymore. I was so afraid that I would lose her, so it’s just important to me that she and I bury the hatchet. Life is so fleeting, and if something happened to her, I would always live with regret. I don’t want that. Please, Asher, let me see her before we leave?”
Asher sighed, but he nodded his head. “Of course, of course. I just think that it might be days before you actually might get to talk to her. She’s sedated, of course, and she’s recovering. I just don’t want to delay our trip more than is necessary.”
I felt annoyed. He had to understand that I needed to see my mother now. But, it was clear from his face that he didn’t necessarily understand that fact.
“Well, why don’t you just go without me, and I’ll catch up to you in London?”
Asher blinked his eyes, and shook his head. “No. We’ll stay in town until your mother is coherent enough to talk to you. I won’t take that away from you.”
Stella was watching the two of us with interest, but she didn’t ask what was going on. This surprised me, because Stella was normally so nosy.
The doctor came back out. “Do you have any questions for me?”
“Yes,” I said. “When can we see her?”
“She’ll be resting probably until tomorrow morning. You can certainly come in and see her then.”
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll definitely come back then.” I then looked at Asher. “Is that okay? We’ll come here and see her tomorrow morning, and then we can head out?”
Asher nodded his head and said nothing.
I took his hand and the both of us stood up. “Stella, i
t’s late. Can we meet up here tomorrow morning and see mom together?”
“Sure,” she said, still looking at the two of us with suspicion. I knew that her mind was cooking up what Asher and I were planning, but it was obvious that she didn’t quite understand exactly what that was. She was probably going nuts.
I then went over to Clint, and the two of us said our goodbyes, and we arranged to meet up the next day. Then Asher and I headed out the door of the hospital.
Chapter Fifteen
Asher and I rode to his house in silence. I knew that he was worried about the change in plans, but, at the same time, there was nothing that could be done. There was no way I was going out of town without talking to mom.
Finally he started talking. “CJ, I’m not upset. I’m just a little worried. But I know how important this is to you, so that’s why I’m not pushing it.”
“Thanks.”
We got to his apartment, and I was feeling emotionally exhausted and confused. Yet, at the same time, my heart quickened when we went into his bedroom and he took off his shirt before getting into bed. It was innocent enough, as he was about to take off his pants to change into pajama bottoms, yet it was incredibly erotic to me.
I went over to him, and put my hand on his chiseled chest. I stroked his pec for a few minutes, and then I started to bite his neck. He reared back his head, obviously loving the feeling that I was giving him right at that moment.
“You’re feeling hot tonight, CJ?” he asked with a note of surprise.
“What can I say? Stress brings out the best in me. I read somewhere, actually, that people put into dangerous situations end up feeling sexually aroused. That makes sense, actually.”
I certainly didn’t want to actually face what was stressing me out, though, right at that moment. I felt that making love with Asher might be the thing that would take my mind off of it. I was in full-on avoidance mode, and I knew this.
Not that he minded. I put my hand on his crotch, and his manhood was standing at full attention. I massaged it lightly through his pants, and then I unbuckled his belt and unzipped his fly. I pushed him down on the bed, and got down on my knees. I freed his enormous cock and put it into my mouth greedily. I sucked and licked the length of his shaft, and he groaned. My lips and tongue where working the head of his manhood, while my fingers massaged his jewels. My tongue made its way down to them, and I lightly bit and sucked each one. His groaning became louder and louder in my ears. I could feel that he was about to climax in my mouth, so I swallowed some pre-cum and abruptly let up. I didn’t want this to end so soon.
I stood up, and stroked his chest some more. He put his arms around me, and brought my face to his and kissed me tenderly. His lips soon became more insistent and raw and passionate, though. I felt as if his mouth was devouring my own. Like I was going to become consumed in him, lost to the parts of the world that didn’t involve him. It was almost as if I felt sad that there were corners of the world where he wasn’t present. Corners of my world where he wasn’t present.
I pulled off my shirt and pants, and our two naked bodies were melded together on the bed. He pushed me over so that I was on my back, and then he hovered over me for a few minutes. I sighed as he kissed my breasts and neck and then plunged his cock hard into me. I felt the familiar sensation of being filled, and, as he slowly and surely made his way in and out, I felt myself peaking. I groaned and cried out, my head shaking from side to side. I felt him come inside of me, and I felt complete. I didn’t even want to question why he still didn’t want to use a condom with me. I was ready to take the chance that there might be a baby in our future.
He laid on his back, and I snuggled into his arms. His heart was pounding rapidly, and I was shaking just a tiny bit.
He sighed. “CJ, I’m so sorry. I’m still doing this backwards. We need to talk about something that has been on my mind lately. It’s important, and it concerns my father.”
I looked at him while I traced my finger lightly on his chest. “Go on,” I said, feeling apprehensive. Whatever it was that he needed to tell me, it sounded important.
He took a deep breath. “I’m concerned that my father isn’t going to go for any of this. He really wants me to be with somebody who is more…Russian. Somebody who he knows well. For obvious reasons. He also wants me to be with somebody who is Russian Orthodox. I still don’t necessarily know why he wants this. He has never told me. I do know that his preference for religion has nothing to do with him or me, because neither of us are a part of this faith. I strongly suspect that…”
I felt my heart quicken even more. “Asher, how could you keep all this from me? This is important information. Don’t you think that this should have been brought up earlier?” I was incredulous. All this time, he knew all this information about his father, yet he didn’t tell me. It sounded like his father would never approve of me, and that would mean that I not only wouldn’t have Asher, but I probably would also be in danger.
He sighed. “Let me finish.” He paused for a long time, stroking my shoulder and hair. I settled back into the crook of his arm, and felt calmed by the sound of his heartbeat. “I strongly suspect that my father would like me to be with Sophie. He’s never said as much, but Sophie would fit the criteria of the woman that he would want for me.”
“What does that mean? Why would he want you with Sophie or a woman like her?”
“It’s simple, really. She’s somebody who my father could trust. She’s family, so to speak, and he’s known her for a long time. I know that it sounds weird that my father finds her trustworthy, but….” He shook his head. “You’re somebody completely new, on the other hand. It’s always been his fear that someone close to me would be the one person who might bring him down. That you might cooperate with the authorities with any information you might get from me, and that would be the end of him and his organization.”
“How well does he know Sophie?”
“Well. He’s known Sophie for as long as he’s known me, really. Also, Sophie has her own connections here to prominent families. That’s another plus for him.”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me. “Well, then, why don’t you just marry her then? After all, she’s carrying your child, isn’t she? Your dad loves her, and he apparently won’t feel the same about me. Why don’t we just call it a day, since it sounds like his mind is made up before he even meets me?”
He took a deep breath. “CJ, there is one thing. If you’re carrying my child…”
It suddenly became clear to me. “Oh, okay, I see. I see. You’re trying to impregnate me so that your father will approve of our shotgun wedding. Is that it?” I shook my head. “So, you want to get married so that I don’t get shot in the street one day when I least expect it. And you want me to have your child so that your father will be forced to accept me. Is there anything that you do for the right reasons, Asher?”
Asher’s face contorted in anger. “Goddamn it, CJ, will you stop reading so much into everything? I’m sorry that this isn’t a typical situation. I’m sorry that we’re not getting married strictly because we’re in love, and I’m sorry that I want us to have a child because, yes, my father will be more likely to begrudgingly accept you if you’re having my baby. And I’m sorry that I haven’t brought this up to you before now. There never seemed to be a good time to talk about this, but it has always needed to be said.”
“Asher, you needed to talk to me about all of this before you decided to stop using condoms with me. You needed to give me the choice as to whether or not I would be on board with this plan. And, well, there might be no turning back. Then again, maybe that was your plan all along. Get me pregnant, then there’s nothing much I can do.”
Asher started pacing the floor. “I know, CJ, I know, and that’s my mistake. I really want you to be on board with this, though.”
“Okay. So, what happens if I don’t get pregnant? Maybe I can’t get pregnant. I don’t know if I can or not. I assume I can, but you neve
r know.”
Asher just shook his head. “I don’t know, CJ. It will be more difficult, that’s for sure.”
I let out a huge sigh. “Asher, what would happen, seriously, if we break up for good? Would I just be able to live my life?” I knew that I would be beyond devastated if that happened, yet I was truly at the end of my rope at that point. What next? What would I learn next?
Asher’s face was sad after I said that. “I can’t imagine life without you, CJ, to be perfectly honest. You’re a part of me now. Maybe it’s selfish of me, and I’m sure that it is, but I don’t ever want to let you go again.”
I shook my head. I was the same, to be honest. I couldn’t imagine life without him, either.
I had to admit that I was truly stuck. I loved him, for better or worse, and my life was inextricably entwined with his. Whatever happened was going to happen. Breaking up with him wasn’t an option for either of us.
“I know. I couldn’t imagine my life without you, either. So, I guess, then, we need to do what we can to make sure your father accepts me. And, if carrying your child would be one of the things that would bring that about, then let’s get going.”
He smiled. “You know how much I like to practice getting you pregnant.”
At that, he kissed me softly, and put his hand on my leg. His touch left the familiar trail of heat on my skin, and I sighed. “Yes, Asher. We definitely need to practice.”
And we did, for the next few hours.
Chapter Sixteen
The next day, I went to see my mother. I was nervous, because I still wasn’t on good terms with her, but Stella had assured me that mom was close to forgiving me for everything.
I was also nervous about the possibility of seeing Clint again. It was so strange meeting him. All my life, I didn’t have a father. Now, suddenly, out of the blue, I did. I was still trying to wrap my head around that, on top of everything else I had going in my life.
Close Up: Exposure Book Three Page 10