Me After You

by Mindy Hayes

  “That was a really jerk thing to say.”

  “I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it.”

  I want him to leave. Being in proximity to him is torture. I don’t know how to be around him. This is such new territory for us, so I have to keep telling myself that he’s not my Dean anymore. He’s Lily’s, and I’m Grayson’s. I know I can’t really say that anymore, but I was his for over four years. It’s hard to think of myself as anything else right now. I belonged to Grayson longer than I did to Dean. That has to mean something.

  “I’m sorry, but none of this changes the fact that we should talk. You may not want to, but it has to happen at some point.” He pins me with a meaningful stare that I can’t decipher. What does he want hashed out? How he left me without a trace? How he lied to me? How our lives will never be the same? I don’t want part it any of it.

  “No. It doesn’t.” Talking would require spending more time with him than I can handle. It would require hearing him tell me how much he doesn’t want me all over again. It would require revealing things to each other that should stay buried. We need to keep it in the past where it belongs.

  “Sawyer, I don’t want it to be like this whenever we see each other. We live in the same town. We are bound to see each other often. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I hurt you. Can we please put it behind us? Forgive me. Forget about the past?”

  Forget the past? I wish I could forget about the past, but it’s not that simple.

  I don’t know why I gave Dean the power to take every part of me, because when he was gone I had nothing left. How pathetic is that? That I gave him everything I had. It took years for me to gain a part of myself back and, when I did, I gave it to Grayson. And Grayson took that part of me to the grave.

  And now, here Dean stands, asking for my forgiveness, asking me to forget, and all I want to do is scream, ‘Not until you give me back what is rightfully mine!’ I want my soul back. I want to know I’m not a shell. I want to know I can be whole again. I want to know I haven’t completely disappeared.

  “Fine,” I say.

  “Fine?”

  “It’s fine. I forgive you.” If for no other reason than to get him off of my back. Maybe saying it will make it true. Let him go back to Lily, let him have his happily ever after. Maybe then I can finally move on if I have closure.

  “Why is it that I don’t believe you?” His left eyebrow arches.

  “Believe what you want, but I think we’re done here.”

  “I didn’t mean to make things worse. I don’t want to make things worse, Sawyer.”

  “You don’t? Then why come and talk to me at all? I thought we already established there’s nothing left to say.”

  He levels his stare. His temper is rising. “I think there’s everything left to say. You just won’t give me a chance to talk.”

  “I don’t care. I don’t care, Dean. I don’t care. Please leave.”

  “Sawyer…” The pleading in his voice almost has me backpedaling. There’s a raging war inside me. One side wants to sit here and listen to his voice, a one-sided conversation where he tells me all the things I always wanted to hear. Lie to me. Tell me you always loved me and that you regret leaving me. While the other side smacks me upside the head and wants to shove him out of his seat to send him flying across the linoleum floor with only his bruised pride to carry him out the door. The conflict is weighing heavily in favor of the later.

  “I think she asked you to leave, Preston.” I hear Alix come up behind me.

  He clenches his jaw and shakes his head, but he’s surrendering. “We’re not done, Sawyer. You can hide in the bakery and hide in your room and hide behind Alix, but one day you’ll have to talk to me. One day,” he points his finger at me, “you’ll have to forgive me.”

  “Good luck with that, champ.” Alix pats him not so nicely on the back. “Out of my seat.”

  He gets up and lets Alix take his place. “Fine,” is all he says before he walks away.

  I can finally breathe when the front door closes behind him.

  “They really are gluttons for punishment, aren’t they?” she says, sitting back down.

  “Can we stop talking about them?” I look down at the menu, not really seeing anything in front of me but splotches of letters. It takes me three tries of reading chocolate chip pancakes before it actually clicks that’s what I read.

  “I’m sorry. I just know how much it hurts for you to see him, and it makes me mad that I can’t change that.”

  “I can handle myself.” I shift in my chair. “I’m a big girl. Let’s just have some breakfast. I think I want the spinach and feta omelet.”

  “Savory. Good choice. I’m still going to indulge in my fluffy, buttery blueberry stuffed French toast. You’ll never touch anything else in this café once you try it.”

  “I’ll try a bite.”

  “You think I’m actually willing to share?” She smirks. “Who am I kidding? You have to take a bite. It’s better than sex.”

  We’re finishing up breakfast when Alix hisses, “Code red. Code red. Or is it blue? Which is worse?”

  “Blue?” I question and peer over my shoulder to see who she’s peeking at. Aiden. I chuckle with the shake of my head. “And I thought I was bad.”

  “Oh shut it. Our situations are completely different and you know it.”

  “Yeah. You’ve got it a lot easier.” I smirk, and she glares, but she knows I’m right.

  “You think we can get out of here without him noticing us?”

  “Not likely, but we can try.”

  Alix leaves some cash on the table and slowly stands, moving her chair back quietly as to not let it squeak across the floor to draw attention to us.

  A thought formulates in my mind. She had her fun today. I’m pretty sure it’s my turn. When I get up I purposefully knock my chair back, but make it look like an accident. It clatters to the ground, and all eyes shift in our direction. Alix darts me a death glare that could knock me on my butt if it were a physical shove. I clumsily stand the chair back up and lift my shoulders as if to tell her I couldn’t stop it from happening, but she’s not buying it.

  She dares a glance in his direction and, sure enough, we have his undivided attention. Aiden watches us with a widening half grin as he leans over the counter, stirring his coffee with a red stirring stick. His eyes wander up and down Alix, and his grin never falters even when he meets the scowl on her face, if nothing else it seems to make his smile bigger.

  “I hate you so much right now,” she mumbles.

  “I know,” I reply.

  There’s no way to avoid him on our way out so we head that way.

  “Care to grab dinner later, Alix?” he asks. I hear the teasing in his voice and know he’s waiting for her sarcastic reply.

  “In your dreams, sparky,” she mutters as she passes him without stopping.

  “So you like the thought of me dreaming about you?” he calls.

  Her hand is on the cafe door and she pauses. I see in her stance that she either wants to turn around and smack him or retort, but neither happen. She walks out the café without waiting for me.

  “Hey, Aiden.” I smile.

  “It’s good to see you, Sawyer.” He lightly punches my shoulder as I walk by him.

  “I’m sorry… for her.”

  “No need to apologize. She’ll cave eventually.”

  I can’t hold back my laughter. “You might be right, but you’ve got a long way to go.”

  “I’ve got time.”

  I wave at him as I walk out the door. “See ya, Aiden.”

  He nods like he’s tipping a cowboy hat.

  Alix is huffing and pacing outside the cafe. “It’s about freaking time. Did you talk to him? What did you say to him? What did he say to you?”

  “Nothing.” I chuckle. “Absolutely nothing.”

  “It better have been nothing, or I’ll hang you by that pretty long ponytail of yours.” />
  I dramatically grab my ponytail and gasp. “Not the ponytail!” I smirk.

  “I mean it.” She begins to walk, and I fall into step beside her. “He’s quite the charmer. He’ll charm you, too. I can see he already has.” She eyes me, and my amusement continues.

  “You know I’ve always liked Aiden,” I say. “He’s a good kid. Am I not allowed to be friends with him?”

  “No!” she snaps then reels in her temper. “I just don’t want you talking about me with him.”

  “Okay. I promise to stay out of it,” I say. I only partially mean it.

  “Thank you,” she huffs. “Now we’ve got a busy day ahead of us.”

  “I didn’t agree to a full day here,” I contend. “I agreed to breakfast.”

  “Well you’re already out of the house. What’s the sense in going back?” She links her arm through mine and tugs me toward her car.

  Alix keeps me out of the house nearly all day, running errands and shopping. I don’t realize it’s as late as it is until she drops me off at home and it’s dark. It isn’t until I walk into my bedroom and draw up my covers that I realize I haven’t thought about Grayson all day. I finally didn’t feel like I was slowly dying inside, but it somehow guts me with guilt. How could I have forgotten him for so long so soon? Is that normal? Am I allowed to start feeling normal again? Or at least as close to normal as it gets as a widow.

  DEAN

  MY RUN IN with Sawyer has consumed my thoughts for days. The bikes are supposed to be my solace, but I can’t find that today. I really ticked her off, which was the last thing I wanted to do. It was as if my mouth couldn’t help it. It kept running, spewing out stupid comment after stupid comment.

  “What do you think the odds are of Alix saying yes if I were to call and ask her out?” Aiden walks over to me, wiping a dirty rag over his oily fingers. “If I sincerely ask. All jokes aside.”

  “I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say I’m 99.9% sure she will tell you no.” I stay hunched down beside the bike I’m working on. I’ve got to have this bike ready in an hour or this guy’s repairs are free. Normally this sort of fix would take longer than I told him, but he needed it done before leaving on a trip tomorrow. I don’t know why I challenge myself like this.

  “That’s the benefit of the doubt? Point-one percent she’ll say yes?”

  “I thought I was being generous.” I look around the bike to see Aiden leaning against the tool bench. “I’m pretty sure there’s no way she’ll ever go out with you again.”

  “Dude.”

  “No.” I drag my fingertips across my lips, coming up with a better analogy, one that really depicts how I think Alix feels. “I take that back. If you were the last two people on the planet, I’m pretty sure she would find a deserted island in the middle of some gulf of some ocean where you would never be able to find her.”

  Aiden exhales melodramatically. “You’re killing me.” But he starts to nod, looking confident. “Fine. Okay. I’ll get her to come to me.”

  I choke on my laugh. “I would love to see you do that.”

  “I will. Just you watch.” He wags his finger at me. “She’ll be begging for me by the end.”

  “Okay, Aide. Whatever you say.”

  “You know a few words of encouragement would be nice. I mean you left Sawyer, without so much as a text message for six years! She got married and is now dealing with the loss of her husband, and I still believe in you. You can’t give me anything to work with?”

  My lips press together. “I don’t know why you like Alix in the first place. But if it means that much to you, man, she would be an idiot not to fall at your feet. I don’t doubt that you are good enough for her. I just know how stubborn that girl is, especially after what you did to her, but if anyone can tame her, it’d be you.”

  “Dude, you know Bridget and I are just friends. It was hardly even a date! I took her to get shakes at Rita’s because there was nothing else to do that night. Alix took it the wrong way.”

  “And you never explained it to her.”

  “She never gave me the option,” he counters. “Every time I try to have a civil conversation with that woman she either flips me off or gives me a snide comment I can’t help but return.”

  “Well, she’d be stupid to never give you the time of day. I hope it works out for you, man.”

  “Thank you.” He nods approvingly and pats me on the back as he walks by. “Thank you, Dean. I know you really mean that.”

  I chuckle and grab my torque wrench to get back to work. I look at the clock on the wall. I’ve got forty-five minutes. “Anytime, Aide.”

  ***

  Lily crawls across the couch onto my lap later that night as I’m trying to relax in front of the TV. “I missed you today.” She presses her lips to my cheek. “Did you have a good day?”

  I don’t understand how it’s possible that she missed me. I saw her last night and she called me this morning. Then she called me on my lunch break. We talked for fifteen minutes.

  “Rob called me again fishing for my answer. I didn’t give it to him yet. He’s going to give me a few more weeks. For some reason he really wants the garage, but I think I’m going to turn him down.”

  “You need to do what you think is right. You know I think it’s an amazing offer, but you don’t want to rush into a decision like that if you don’t feel one hundred percent positive about it, sweetie.”

  I nod. I can’t stand it when she calls me that, but I don’t know how to tell her not to.

  It’s been a week since my failed attempt to talk to Sawyer at Moment in Thyme. I’ve walked past Sprinkles a million times, but either she’s in the back or she doesn’t notice me. I walk by and watch her smile at costumers. I can see a face that isn’t drenched with pain or resentment.

  Lily swings one leg on either side of me, straddling my lap and blocking the TV. I’m forced to look up at her before she leans in and presses her mouth to mine. Her hands loop around my neck, tugging me closer to her. There’s desperation behind this kiss, and I don’t understand the sudden shift in her mood, but I respond and move my lips against hers. As her lips brush across mine, her breathing picks up. What does she feel when she kisses me? Kissing Lily is nothing like kissing Sawyer.

  There is nothing like kissing Sawyer.

  Sawyer holds my face in her hands, grazing her fingertips along my jawline. I can’t stop kissing her. Kissing Sawyer is like being set free. The chains of my life at home can’t hold me down. When she kisses me, I don’t feel worthless. I don’t feel like I could wither away to nothing and be forgotten. But I keep hearing my dad’s words. They run on repeat. She should know how pointless it is to waste her time on you.

  I touch my lips to hers lightly, tasting her strawberry lip-gloss, before breaking away. “Why’d you say yes, Jack? When I asked you out. Why did you say yes to me?”

  She bats her thick eyelashes at me. “It must have been your charming smile and tousled I-just-rolled-out-of-bed hair.” Her fingers find my hair and massage my scalp playfully.

  I lean into her touch and chuckle. “No, I’m serious. I’m such a screw up. Why take the chance to soil your reputation?”

  Her eyes pierce mine with a small turn of her lips. “You’re special, Dean Preston. You just haven’t figured that out yet.”

  There’s no hint of sarcasm or mockery in her voice, and it takes a moment to set in because no one has ever said anything like that to me before. If she asked me to run away with her this very instant, I would. Then I kiss her so hard I see stars. They’ve come out to shine for her.

  I pull away from Lily with wide eyes. Her eyes are stunned and confused. Our breathing is staggered. I can’t speak. This has never happened before. I don’t know what I should say.

  “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  I’m speechless. What am I supposed to say? I had to stop because in that moment I wasn’t kissing you. In my mind I was kissing Sawyer. That would go over well.
>
  “I think you should go, Lil.”

  “What?”

  “My head is pounding.” I knead my forehead. Maybe rubbing it will rub away the images. “I’m going to take some Tylenol and go to bed.” I shift her off my lap and head for the kitchen.

  I know she wants to say something. I can feel the tension building. It’s like a hot air balloon filled my entire living room, and it’s about to explode and destroy my life as it stands. She doesn’t say anything, but I feel her hovering in the archway to my kitchen. I fill my glass of water and turn to her.

  “Do you think you’ll be okay tonight?” The question is there. It’s plastered across her face, staining her eyes, but I know she’s too afraid to ask what she really wants. She’s not stupid. She knows I’ll be honest, and she’s not ready for the truth. I’m not so sure I’m ready for the truth. The truth could mean the possibility of actual happiness or it could mean the ruin of me, once and for all.

  I nod and debate carrying on the charade, telling her I’ll feel better once I get some sleep, but I keep my mouth shut.

  “Okay.” She walks over to me and plants a kiss on my cheek. “Goodnight, Dean.”

  “Night, Lil.”

  Once she’s gone, I slide down my cabinets onto the linoleum floor and lean my head back. Aiden’s right. As much as I freaking hate to admit it. I can’t keep doing this. At some point this will have to end. I just don’t know how.

  SAWYER

  I TOLD MY mom I would go to the grocery today. She always lights up when she knows I’m going out into society and not holing up in my bedroom for the entire day. I figured I’d already be in town, and I didn’t have to work late today. It made sense.

  I push the cart up and down the aisles, tossing things in the cart that we might need—the essentials—butter, milk, eggs. Once I get to the cereal aisle, I amble down the lane in a fog.

  Grayson pulls up beside me in the cereal aisle with an empty cart. “Do you think the store clerk would be peeved if we had a cart race?”