Me After You

by Mindy Hayes

“No.”

  “Don’t I?” I ask again, deflecting the topic.

  “I’m not playing this game with you.”

  “I’m not playing this game with you.”

  “Well, obviously not, since I don’t know what game you’re talking about,” I say, flipping the channels on Blaine’s TV.

  “The game of avoidance, Soy,” he replies as he walks from the couch to his kitchen. “Someone moved here. She looks like my sister. She talks like my sister. But she doesn’t act like my sister.”

  I gasp with exaggeration and turn around to lean over the back of the couch. “I’m truly offended.”

  He chuckles. “Shut up. No you’re not, and you know why? Because you know it’s true. You’re merely buying more time to explain to me what in the world happened to you.”

  Dean happened. “You know what happened,” I say evenly. At least you know part of it.

  “Well, you’ve been living in my house for a few weeks now. And don’t get me wrong, I love having you, but I want my little sister back. Can you please go find her?”

  “Fine. But only because you asked so politely. I’m just waiting to hear back from some places where I dropped off job applications, and then I’ll be out of your hair.”

  Blaine braces his hands on his countertop, gazing at me across the open space. “I don’t want you out of my hair, Soy. I just want you back to normal.”

  “Normal is such a relative term. I think it’s open to interpretation.”

  “Fine. Interpret this.” Blaine breaks out into a flailing modern interpretive dance across his kitchen and I burst out laughing.

  “Maybe that should have been your true career path. Law doesn’t really suit you, spaz.”

  “The modern dance world isn’t ready for all of this.” He continues dancing none too gracefully, and I fall back against the couch in a fit of laughter, momentarily forgetting about the past.

  “Janna is having a Halloween party tonight. Go with me.”

  “Hey,” I say, shooting guns at her with my fingers, “that sounds exactly like the last thing I want to do.”

  “Oh c’mon, Sawyer,” she whines. “We’ll get to dress up and have so much fun!”

  If she thinks dressing up is the selling point, she’s sorely mistaken. “Felix, I haven’t worn a costume since we were fifteen and dressed up like the Spice Girls. And even then I thought we were getting too old.”

  “That costume rocked and you know it!”

  I laugh, shaking my head. Those costumes were pretty legit, but that was back then. This is now. I’m twenty-five years old. That inner-child in me died a long time ago.

  “Everyone is going to be dressing up so if we don’t we’ll look like the idiots.”

  “You didn’t give me any notice that she was having the party, and I didn’t say I would go.”

  “First of all, I didn’t tell you so you wouldn’t get a chance to mull it over and back out or last minute find something that was obviously so much more important that there was no way you could miss it. And secondly, I’m not giving you a choice now.”

  “Why do I feel like that’s been happening a lot lately?”

  “Because you’ve given me no choice but to force you into fun things since Grayson—” she cuts herself off and stares blankly at me with a gaping mouth. It’s not as if she’s the most sensitive person around, but for some reason, putting Grayson and died in the same sentence is too much for her. Have I mentioned how much I hate that word? Died. But I can’t say he passed away. That makes it sounds like it was natural. But he didn’t just pass away peacefully in his sleep. His life was brutally taken from him. He did die.

  “Fine,” I give in to keep her from saying it and/or keep her from apologizing for almost saying it. “Ugh. I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. What am I supposed to dress up as?”

  Her eyebrows raise suggestively, and I fear for my life.

  ***

  Alix and I walk up the steps to Janna’s house, and I’m positive someone vomited Halloween all over it. Orange and black lights decorate all the trees and bushes. Carved pumpkins line the walkway. Ghost and witch cutouts dot the lawn and peek out from behind fake rickety fences. A tall coffin leans against the corner of the entrance with Dracula inside, blood dripping from the corner of his mouth. It’s all very cliché and so Janna.

  “You’re not allowed to leave my side tonight. Not like Sole Fest. And I swear if I catch a glimpse of Dean, I’m out of here. No buts about it.”

  “Okay, fun sucker.” She rolls her eyes.

  “Say that ten times fast. I doubt you’ll come up with the words you intended on saying.”

  The front door swings open, and we’re met with high-pitched squealing. Janna stands there in a skanky bunny outfit with her hands wildly waving in the air.

  “You guys!” She surges forward and grabs Alix and me in an overwhelmingly snug hug. “I’m so glad you two came! It feels like high school all over again! Gang’s all here!” she squeals again.

  My ears are bleeding.

  “Hey, Janna,” we say in unison.

  Janna grabs my shoulders. “Sawyer, you’re simple and gorgeous as always. Cat. So classic.”

  Alix wanted us to relive the Spice Girl days, but I managed to convince her that a black cat was much more age-appropriate. Or rather, I told her it was cat or nothing. I wore black leggings and a black tee with black ears. She dotted my nose with a black marker and painted whiskers on my cheeks. Then she proceeded to tell me I had to wear black high heels and keep my hair down so she could curl the ends. It completes the ensemble. Whatever that means. I’m a freaking cat.

  “And Alix, Rosie the Riveter. So you! I swear you girls haven’t changed a bit!”

  I’m about to tell Alix I’m out when Janna finally invites us in. “There’s drinks and snacks in the kitchen and games going on in every room. I think there’s poker and ping-pong, and I know a bunch of the guys started a game of pool in the basement. Dance party is in the living room. So, fan out and have fun! If you need anything, let me know!”

  Janna is right. It does feel like we’re in high school all over again, and I’m not a fan.

  “There’s a reason Janna throws parties and we don’t,” I mumble.

  “I forgot how over the top she can be,” Alix whispers back. “But we don’t have to hang out with her all night. Let’s go get a drink.”

  I nod.

  I hadn’t realized the town still consisted of all these people. We weave through bodies mingling and dancing. There has to be at least a hundred people in this house. Some I recognize from high school, but some must be from the town over.

  Once we grab our drinks, we head for the living room. A couple of people acknowledge me with a wave or head nod, but unlike Janna, the majority of the people I went to school with are doing what they can to avoid me. They can’t figure out what to say to the girl with the dead husband. ‘Hey,’ wouldn’t be so bad. They don’t even have to ask me how I’m doing. I wouldn’t tell them the honest truth anyway—not that they actually want it.

  Alix and I dance with a group of girls we used to play volleyball with. They acknowledge me with warm smiles and pretend like I don’t actually have a dead husband. I’m okay with that for tonight. It’s Halloween. I should get to be whoever the heck I want to be for one night. I decide tonight I’m going to toss my problems to the side. They don’t exist. I’m not Sawyer. Tonight I’m… a cat. Okay, for name’s sake let’s say I’m Catwoman. I’m fierce and sexy and could care less about the peons around me.

  “Dang, Sawyer, you make black look good,” a voice murmurs near my ear.

  I turn to see Garrett Walker, a guy I went to school with from kindergarten through our senior year. I wouldn’t say we were friends, but we weren’t not friends. We hung out in the same crowd. Exchanged ‘heys’ and ‘how’s it goings?’but nothing more than that.

  “Thanks?”

  “You don’t look like you just lost your husband. It’s been what,
a month?”

  Wow. You have no social skills whatsoever. Now I know exactly why we weren’t friends. “Eight, actually.”

  He nods like I said something really interesting. He must be hammered.

  “Garrett!” Alix hollers. He bobs his head to say hey to her and she says, “Get lost.”

  He backs away with his hands in the air. “Just wanted to say hey to my old friend, Sawyer, here, but all right.”

  “I don’t care. Leave,” she asserts, and he does as he’s told.

  “Thanks,” I mutter.

  “Anytime.”

  We continue to dance and get lost in the music, until I hear Janna squealing again. I peer through the archway into her foyer to see who she’s welcoming now and wish I hadn’t. I was just easing back into my easy fantasy world as Catwoman. Why couldn’t my fantasy world last a little bit longer? Lily walks in with Dean in tow, and my heart surges. I’m instantly back in high school.

  Dean didn’t do his hair. It’s falling across his forehead, a mixture of shaggy and bedhead. His jeans are a little tighter, and he’s wearing one of his old Blink 182 t-shirts with black converse. His wrist has a thick leather band wrapped around it, and he even shaved, leaving a faint five-o’clock shadow. He looks just as lost as he did when he used to walk through the halls of our high school.

  “You’re a rocker! I love it, Dean!” Janna’s voice is only partially drowned out by the blaring music.

  He’s not a rocker. He’s Dean from six years ago.

  Across the crowded hallway our eyes meet, but it’s as if no one else exists. An impish smile tugs the corner of his lips as he tucks his hands into the front pockets of his black jeans. Through the years I’ve only seen him with two people: Josh and Aiden. Dean doesn’t easily let anyone in, but he let me in. Being his exception makes me believe that even the most seemingly impossible relationships can last. If we’re willing to try, we could last forever.

  We meet halfway, and he takes my face tenderly in his hands, kissing my lips before I say anything. Everything else disappears. It’s always that way with Dean. He has the power to make me forget girl drama and petty fights with my brother—things that don’t actually matter. He gives me perspective.

  “Somehow I’m lucky enough to get to kiss this mouth,” he says against my lips.

  “Funny. That’s what I was thinking.”

  Dean smirks and kisses me once more. “I’m going to help Aiden with some yard work at his grandparents after school, but then I was thinking we could take a ride on my bike. It’s going to be a perfect evening for a cruise.”

  “All right, Romeo. Just toss a pebble at my window. I’ll be waiting.” I wink.

  “You did not just call me Romeo.”

  “If the shoe fits.”

  He barks out a laugh. “That’s been my problem my whole life. I’ve been wearing the wrong shoes.”

  “Just needed little ol’ me in your life to get you the right ones,” I say, using my best Southern accent and trace the band logo on the front of his shirt.

  His amusement continues as he shakes his head at my ooey-gooey cheesy lines. “Where do you get these lines? You’re too much sometimes.”

  “But you can’t resist me.” I lace my fingers behind his neck.

  His arms tighten around my waist. “I won’t dispute that.”

  Once more, his mouth takes control of mine and I let the kiss pull me under.

  I feel faint as though he’s pulling me under now. My legs waver like I’m floating in water. They could give way at any moment. “Sawyer.” I hear the alarm in Alix’s voice when she steadies my arm. “Sawyer, you okay?”

  Dean’s eyes drift over the crowd, landing on me, and it’s a shot to my heart. His gentle smolder has me captured. I can’t breathe. He’s my Dean. No! But he’s not. Lily’s latched onto his right arm, leaning her head against his shoulder in a frilly fairy costume. It feels so wrong—my stomach churns with nausea—I’m going to throw up.

  “Sawyer, you don’t look so good.” Alix stands in front of me, blocking my view of Dean. I let my eyes focus on her and blink.

  “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

  She instantly links her arm with mine, resting her hand on my elbow and leads me to the front door, toward Dean. No, no, no. Why hasn’t she seen him yet? I try to stop her, but I don’t have the strength in my legs to stop with enough force. He’s watching me with worry and confusion. It’s almost as if he wants to take a step forward, to reach out to me. I equally want him to and know I couldn’t take it if he did.

  “Alix,” I finally find my voice, but it doesn’t matter. She’s placed him lingering in the entryway and immediately understands my unease. We halt in place.

  “Holy emo Preston, Batman.” She mutters a few other choice words under her breath, echoing my unspoken sentiments. “I think we just went back in time.”

  “Alix,” I warn. The churning in my stomach is making its way up, and the last thing I need is to make a bigger scene by upchucking all over everyone around us. I wrap my arm around my torso and try to keep it down.

  Her head turns to me, trying to get me to focus on her. “C’mon. You need air. The front door is closer. I’m sorry.” She tugs my hand, and we skirt passed them without a word. Dean makes like he’s going to offer his help, but he doesn’t. His hand hovers outstretched by his side, the slightest effort to touch me. He watches us as we go and thankfully doesn’t say a thing.

  DEAN

  LILY AND JANNA continue talking at my side about who knows what. They didn’t notice Sawyer stumbling out, though it was hard to miss her. Or maybe it was hard for me to miss her. There are like a thousand people in this place and the music is blaring through the roof.

  I should go after her and make sure she’s all right. She’ll probably spit in my face. I know I’m the last face she wants to see, but I have to go to her. What if something is really wrong? I’d never forgive myself if I could have done something to help. The battle in my head ends when I make up my mind. I know she’s not mine to take care of anymore, but I guess some instincts never fade.

  “I’ll be right back,” I say to Lily.

  I don’t wait for her to respond before I’m out the door. I close it behind me and jog down the stairs.

  Sawyer is bent over near the bottom of the stairs, puking into the bushes. At least she sounds like it. I’m not sure if anything is actually coming up. All I hear are her dry heaves. Her dark silhouette retches forward. Alix is standing over her, rubbing her back and holding her hair out of the way. I don’t think. I go.

  “Is she okay?”

  Alix looks up, and as soon as she realizes it’s me, her eyes narrow. “Does she look okay to you, Preston?”

  I bite my tongue, though a million things run through my head to snap at her. “Is there something I can do? Do you need me to take her home?” Alix grimaces. “If you want to stay and party, I wouldn’t mind taking her.”

  “I’m sure you wouldn’t,” Alix retorts.

  “Felix, shut it,” Sawyer mumbles and slowly stands up straight, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She takes a breath. “I’m fine, Dean. You can go back to the party.”

  She won’t look at me. She’s blatantly refusing to as she tugs on her clothes and tries to fix her hair. She fluffs it forward, letting her long curls drape over one of her shoulders. I so badly want to reach out and run my hand through those curls. She looks so beautiful. I know she was puking her guts out, and I should be disgusted, but she’s beautiful. Her skin looks porcelain under the moonlight, and her brown eyes deepen in the dark.

  “I wanted to check on you. You didn’t look so good. Was it something you ate or drank?”

  She winces and shakes her head but finally looks up at me. When she does, the frown I’ve become accustomed to is absent from her face. She looks puzzled, but she meets my stare. Her eyes glide over me for a few moments, taking in my appearance from head to toe, and then her eyes droop in sadness.

  “Wow,�
� she breathes. It probably wasn’t something she meant to say or wanted me to hear. I don’t know what she means by it. ‘Wow,’ like, I can’t believe this idiot is still trying? Or ‘wow,’ like, she appreciates the way I look. She wouldn’t think that. Not now. Her head shakes again as if she can’t believe what she’s seeing. I don’t get it. Then Alix bows her head near Sawyer’s ear and whispers something. Sawyer nods and blinks, looking away from me.

  “Thanks for your concern, Preston, but I’ll take it from here.” Alix reaches around Sawyer’s waist to lead her to the car, but Sawyer pushes away from her grasp.

  “I’m fine. I can do it myself,” she mutters adamantly and puts one foot in front of the other. She’s not steady, but she doesn’t look unstable. I repress my instinct to go to her and lift her in my arms to carry her home. I clench my hands into such tight fists my short nails dig into my palms.

  “Thanks, Dean,” Sawyer mumbles over her shoulder, but refuses to look at me as they walk away.

  I don’t say anything else as I watch them go down the lamp-lit street and out of my sight.

  ***

  “Where did you go?” Lily lifts up on her toes and kisses my cheek. “I missed your face.”

  I find her mingling with some of her friends on the outskirts of the living room. I can tell her the truth, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings or start anything tonight. “Someone left looking pretty sick, so I went to see if there was anything I could do.” It was the truth, just not the whole truth.

  “That was nice of you.”

  I shrug and don’t answer. She lets it go. Her friends continue talking, and I stand there wondering what happened. Sawyer seemed so disoriented. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought she was drunk, but she’s never had a drink in her life. Though, we’ve already established that people change.

  Aiden finally shows up with some girl I’ve never seen before, but at least now I’m not completely alone. I seriously considered peacing out almost immediately after Sawyer left. I can lie to everyone else, but I can’t lie to myself. The only reason why I agreed to come with Lily tonight was because I hoped I would see Sawyer. There was no way Lily was getting me to dress up. She finally suggested I wear what I used to wear in high school since it could pass as a guy in a band. The pants were a little snug, and so was the shirt, but Lily said I nailed it.