by Iris Deorre
‘Now remember, I want it in a high bun.’ Joy almost sounded like an adult.
Even though Sahara wanted to point a few things out about Joy’s tone, she decided to let it go. What they were about to tell her was more important.
Do you mind giving us a moment?’ she asked Elodie.
Elodie nodded and left them.
‘Honey, why don’t you come and have a seat with us over here?’ Sahara and Eugene settled onto the big four poster bed that was decorated like a castle.
‘Okay.’ She ran over to her dad and he picked her up onto his lap.
‘We need to talk to you, okay?’
She nodded and leaned into Eugene’s chest. Sahara took Joy’s little hand into hers. She leaned forward and ran her other hand down the side of her olive skin. She certainly was a beautiful child, and Sahara couldn’t be prouder.
‘Mummy isn’t feeling too well.’ She started and looked at Eugene for support.
He nodded gently and gave her the reassurance she needed.
‘What’s wrong with you, mummy?’ she sounded a little sad.
‘Mummy has some tumours growing inside her.’ She didn’t know how to explain it to a five year old. ‘They’re lumps growing inside my body and the doctor has to take them out because they’re making me sick.’
‘Why do you have them? Will they also grow in me?’
‘Oh no honey, they’ll never grow in you. It’s just the way mummy’s body is built.’
‘How are they going to take them out?’
‘Well, I’m will have surgery, and the doctor is going to cut them out.’
‘Huh!’ She put her hand to her mouth. ‘I don’t want them to cut you up, mummy.’ She cried.
‘It’s alright, sweetheart. They won’t hurt mummy. Mummy will be fast asleep through all of it. She won’t even feel it,’ said Eugene.
‘She won’t?’
‘No I won’t darling. And when I wake up, all those nasty tumours will be gone. But I might have to have something called chemotherapy.’ She was finding it difficult to explain.
‘What’s that?’
‘It’s something that will enter my body to kill all the bad growths in me.’
Joy studied her mother. She wasn’t sure how to react to it, and it wasn’t surprising. It was hard for a five year old brain to articulate it.
‘Will it kill you?’ She gasped.
‘No! Of course not! It might make me very tired and sick. So sometimes mummy will want to sleep all the time.’ She squeezed Joy’s hand. ‘That means that sometimes I won’t be able to spend time with you the way I usually do.’
‘But you can always spend time with daddy,’ said Eugene.
‘Don’t worry mummy.’ Joy lifted her hand to her mother’s cheek. ‘I will take good care of you.’
‘Awww honey.’ Sahara was almost in tears. She was certain Joy didn’t understand the density of the situation. ‘That’s so kind of you.’ She touched the little hand against her cheek. ‘I love you baby.’
‘I love you too mummy. It will be alright mummy, I promise.’
Sahara couldn’t help but swell with love for her beautiful daughter.
****
‘That talk with Joy went okay,’ Eugene said later that evening as they got ready for bed.
‘I don’t think she fully understands.’
‘She’s five, how can she.’
Sahara flopped onto the bed and sighed. ‘I pray that this surgery goes well. Joy is depending on it.’
‘It will.’ He lay beside her. ‘Don’t worry. It will all be okay.’
She turned to him and smiled. ‘Thank you.’
‘For what.’
‘For being you.’
He moved closer to kiss her. She fell into him and he captured her into his arms. He loved having her close, and couldn’t imagine a life without her.
‘I’m so nervous,’ she said as she pulled back.
‘I am too. But I’m here for you and so is the family.’
She smiled as she ran a hand down the side of his cheek. It was good to know that she had him. It made it a bit easier.
That evening was spent as relaxed as possible. Eugene played his part and gave her a massage to help her relax. Sahara was grateful, but it didn’t matter how hard she tried to push the pending surgery to the back of her mind, it kept resurfacing.
****
The next few days, Sahara tried to continue as normal as possible. It was hard enough trying to comfort her mother all the time, but she did her best. She spent more time with Joy, and took time off work. Alice had been a great support, and encouraged her to keep a positive outlook.
‘What are we doing today, mummy?’ Joy asked the moment she got back from school.
‘Anything you like.’
‘I was thinking.’ She held onto her hip. Joy was turning into a little madam.
‘If we could swim today.’
Sahara nodded. ‘We’ll have to check if the water is warm enough.’ They hadn’t swum in a while, she wasn’t sure if their caretaker had heated the pool. ‘Why don’t you go and get ready while I check out the water. If it isn’t warm enough, we might have to wait.’
‘Okay mummy.’
Sahara watched as Joy left with Elodie to get ready. She took time to take it all in. The past few days had been great. It had given her insight to what she’d been missing and what was more important than anything else.
The pool was warm enough. It was enclosed in a beautiful blue room at the back of the house. To the left of the pool was a Jacuzzi that they only used occasionally. As she stepped into the pool, her body relaxed and she took a moment just to allow the water to warm her body. Moments later she did a gentle lap. Joy’s idea had been a good one, not only was it making her body relax, it took her focus away from tomorrow. The day she would go under the knife and hope for the best.
‘Mummy.’ Joy ran towards her, and before Sahara could stop her, she jumped into the water making a big splash.
‘Joy!’ She laughed and wiped the water from her face.
‘Try and catch me mummy.’ She swam away.
Sahara swam slowly behind her and tried to catch her. Joy giggled as she escaped her mothers grasp. When Sahara finally caught up to her she took her into a big hug and couldn’t stop giving her kisses.
‘Oh mummy, too many kisses.’ She giggled.
‘There can never be too many kisses.’ She kissed her again.
Joy moved from her mothers embrace and jumped out of the pool a moment.
‘Hey, where are you going?’
‘I’m getting the ball.’ She picked up the huge beach ball.
She threw the ball in her mother’s direction, Sahara tried to duck, but was too late.
‘I got you mummy, one for me.’ She took a few steps back, ran towards the water and made a big splash.
Sahara threw the ball her way, and she quickly tried to get away from it. They splashed about in the water and Sahara felt like a little girl again. There was no worry, no strain, just pure fun. But as she was about to swim across the pool to try to catch Joy again, an intense pain hit the pit of her stomach.
‘Mummy, what’s the matter?’ Joy panicked.
Sahara took a few deep breaths and tried to steady herself. She finally looked up at Joy and smiled.
‘I’m okay honey; I think I got a too excited.’ She giggled. ‘Perhaps it’s time we got out.’
‘Okay.’ She sounded a little disappointed.
‘Perhaps we could try and make something for daddy.’
‘Like what?’ She perked up again.
‘Anything you choose. We could cook, draw or make some nice flower arrangement.’
‘Cook! I want to cook for daddy.’
‘Alright then!’ She pushed out of the water. ‘Let’s go.’
They ventured back into the house and upstairs. She left Joy in her bedroom, and even though she wanted to help her get dressed, Joy looked at her and said. ‘I’m five mummy
, not two.’
‘Well then. You certainly are a big girl. I’ll go get dressed too, and then come and get you.’
‘Yippee! Cooking for daddy!’
Sahara laughed as she shut the door and made her way to the master bedroom. A few minutes later, Joy and Sahara walked hand in hand downstairs and into the kitchen. They took over from Lawrence, she let him go for the day.
‘Do you know what your daddy’s favourite is?’ she asked as she opened the fridge.
‘Hmmmm.’ Joy patted the side of her chin with her index finger. ‘Is it strawberry ice-cream?’
‘For dinner darling, not dessert.’
‘I don’t really know. Daddy eats everything.’
‘I know.’ She laughed. ‘Daddy loves mash potato. So…’ She pulled out some sausages. ‘We’re going to make him some sausages and mash with mixed vegetables.’
Joy clapped her hands excited. Sahara gave her the task of washing the vegetables. She gave her a potato peeler and guided her, making sure she didn’t peel her little fingers. Everything was perfect. Time wasn’t an issue, and all she wanted was right there with her.
‘Mummy, this has been the best day ever!’
‘Aww, mine too sweetie. Mine too.’
****
Eugene stepped into the house just after six. He’d tried to get away earlier, but a meeting had gone on longer than necessary.
‘Daddy!’ Joy was in his arms before he could even take another step forward.
‘Hello, honey.’ He gave her a kiss.
‘Guess what we did!’ She sounded like she was hyperventilating.
‘What did you do?’ He sounded equally excited.
‘We made you dinner!’ She squealed.
‘You did.’
She nodded and suddenly became shy. He put her down, and she ran in the direction of the living-room.
‘Mummy, Daddy’s here!’
‘I know, sweetie!’ Sahara smiled up at him.
Every time she saw him, it felt like the first time.
‘Hey.’ He winked.
‘Hey.’
He walked towards her, leaned forward and kissed her. Joy squealed again and this time they both burst into bouts of laughter.
‘I heard you cooked for me.’
‘We did!’
‘Well, that’s good because I’m starving.’
‘Guess what it is?’ Joy said.
‘Urmmm, is it pie?’
‘No?’
‘Is it chocolate?’
‘Don’t be silly daddy, you can’t have chocolate for dinner.’
‘Is it…mash potato?’
‘How did you know?’
‘It’s my favourite!’
She giggled and then turned to her mother.
‘Let’s go and set the table while daddy sorts himself out.’
‘I won’t be long,’ he said and headed upstairs.
The meal was divine! Sahara looked at her small family and tears burned behind her lids. She never wanted this to end. She wanted this to be this way for a long time.
‘You okay?’ He put his hand across the table onto hers.
‘I’m fine.’ It wasn’t a convincing response, but he knew not to push. ‘This food is great by the way. You guys did a great job!’
They spent that evening trying to act as normal as possible. Sahara had allowed the staff to leave for the evening. That gave them time to clear up their plates and pack them into the washer as a family. Joy was so helpful that, Sahara wished she’d done this sooner.
Later that evening Eugene tried to play some songs on the piano, none of which were to Joy’s liking. Finally it was time to say good-night, but Sahara didn’t want it to end.
‘Nana will be here in the morning for you, okay?’
‘Am I going to Nana’s?’
‘No, she’ll be here if you need her. Mummy’s going into the hospital tomorrow.’
‘Do you have to go?’
‘Yes, I do. We discussed this.’
‘But I don’t want you to.’ She threw herself into Sahara.
‘I don’t want to either, but for me to get well, I have to.’
‘How long will you be?’
‘I’m not entirely sure honey. I hope to be home in a few days. But then I’ll have to get a lot of rest.’
‘I’ll take care of you when you get back.’
‘That will be nice. Now why don’t you get some sleep?’
‘Where’s Mister Fudge?’ she looked around her.
Sahara slid off the bed and looked around her, and found the beige teddy bear under the bed. It had been a while since Joy had asked for the teddy bear.
‘Here he is.’
Joy grabbed the teddy bear into her arms and squeezed it tight.
‘Good-night darling, I love you.’
‘I love you too mummy.’
‘I’ll see you soon.’
‘You promise?’
‘I promise.’ She kissed her daughter good-night.
Chapter Five
‘You guys, you didn’t have to be here.’ She gazed at Emily and Felicity.
‘We wanted to see you off.’ They smiled. ‘And bring you these lovely flowers. Made especially by Alice.’
‘They’re gorgeous. Aren’t they honey?’
‘Yes, they’re lovely.’ He smiled partially.
Sahara would soon be wheeled into theatre, and there was no telling what would come out of it. Everyone was hopeful, but that didn’t take away the nerves he felt.
‘I’ll be fine honey.’ She reached out her hand.
He took it and nodded. She was happy that everyone she cared about was with her. She needed their positive energy to get through the surgery. Just then the nurse came in to take her vitals. They did a run through of what would happen next, and an hour later, she was wheeled out of the room to theatre.
‘You’ll do great!’ Emily sniffed.
‘I know, see you soon.’ She blew them a kiss.
‘I love you.’ Eugene wiped away a tear.
‘I love you too honey. See you soon.’
The doors closed behind her and the trio watched, and wondered what the result would be.
‘Would any of you like a coffee?’ Eugene asked. ‘That is if you’re staying. It’s going to be a long wait.’
‘I’ll have a coffee. I’m definitely staying. I want to be here when she wakes up,’ said Emily. She’d arranged it in advance.
‘Me too, I’m off for the next couple of days so you can count me in.’
‘Great, I’ll be back in a second.’ He went in search for the coffee machine.
He returned a few minutes later with the drinks. They sat down in the waiting area in silence. No one wanted to talk, there was fear drifting between them. At times Emily tried to make small talk, but it ended as soon as it started.
Emily took a phone call from Myles and spent at least thirty minutes outside the hospital. Felicity and Eugene hardly spoke, he seemed lost in his thoughts and she didn’t want to intrude. But finally after three and a half hours, Doctor Cross came out, looking exhausted and forlorn.
‘Doctor?’ Eugene met him halfway.
‘I’m sorry – ’
‘No, no, no…’
****
Sahara opened her eyes and the images in front of her were blurry. She smiled slightly as his face finally came into focus.
‘Hey,’ he said.
Emily and Felicity drew a little closer.
‘Hey,’ she choked, her mouth felt dry. ‘What’s…what’s with the sad faces?’
‘We’re not sad.’ Emily tried to hide the pain she felt, but failed.
‘Eugene?’ Sahara could tell they were hiding something. ‘Did the doctor say something?’
He shut his eyes a moment and took in a deep breath.
‘Honey, please talk to me.’
He perched gently on the side of the bed and took her hand. ‘I think you need to speak to Doctor Cross.’
‘No, I wa
nt you to tell me what you know.’
He wasn’t sure he could. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to tell her the news without breaking apart.
‘Tell me.’
He couldn’t find the words.
‘I want to hear it from you.’
Emily couldn’t bear it so decided to leave the room, and give them privacy. Felicity did the same.
‘Please, I can deal with it. I don’t want to hear it from Doctor Cross I want to hear it from you.’
He squeezed her hand as hard as he could.
‘Honey, it’s okay.’ She swallowed. ‘I need some water.’
Relieved for a moment he poured her some water. She drank it slowly, but finally it was time to face the music.
‘Tell me.’
He looked her in the eye, his eyes glazed over. How was he supposed to tell her that the surgery didn’t go to plan? He dropped his head, but she lifted it so she could see him.
‘It’s okay.’
He swallowed back hard. ‘When they opened you up.’ He took a moment to breathe. ‘There were more tumours than they expected.’ He stopped, he couldn’t do it. ‘Doctor Cross will be in shortly… I can’t.’
Sahara’s stomach tightened. This wasn’t happening. What did he mean they’d found more tumours than they expected? He said nothing, the words couldn’t formulate. He felt numb from the inside and felt so helpless. Sahara took in the words that didn’t make any sense. Had the operation been or not been successful?
Doctor Cross joined them thirty minutes later. The look in his eyes told her all she needed to know, but she wanted to hear him say it.
‘Sahara, you’re awake.’ He smiled gently.
‘Just tell me Doctor.’
It was never easy delivering bad news, especially to an amazing person like Sahara.
‘There were more tumours than we expected.’
‘How many more?’
‘So many more that if we tried to take them all, you’d have no bowel left. We could only cut so much out. I’m so sorry, Sahara. I really am.’
‘Why are you sorry?’ She didn’t understand.
Doctor Cross looked at Eugene who looked like he’d been punched in the stomach several times.
‘There isn’t more we can do.’
She looked away a moment, and then back at the doctor. ‘I don’t understand.’