Girls Love Travis Walker

by Anne Pfeffer

  Benny had no hello for me this morning. He checked over the chainsaw, then settled it into the back of his truck. Tightening his jaw, he studied me from under his usual backward baseball cap. I’d never realized before that a pair of shoulders could emanate rage.

  “Good thing, Travis, this chain saw still work fine. And good thing you leave me that message. Otherwise, you be in jail right now.”

  “It was for charity. I thought you wouldn’t mind helping out homeless women.” It sounded lame, even to me, and even though I knew it was true.

  Benny’s mouth twisted. “Don’t bullshit me. You think you can take another job and use my equipment? Without even asking?” He went off in a torrent of Spanish.

  I studied my scuffed, worn boots and waited for Benny to hand out my sentence.

  “I’m letting you go,” he said. “The season— it’s more slow now anyway, and I must decide who goes when. You make it easy for me.”

  “But Ms. Val recommended me…”

  “So that you will stay in school. Which you do not. But I keep you anyway. I tell Maria, that boy knows how to work! But, now…..” His fingers moved in the air, as if to flick away an imaginary piece of lint or scum.

  “Okay.” I focused on a door handle of Benny’s truck, taking in its curving lines and the highlights of white and silver. He kept his truck clean. “I’m sorry, Benny.”

  “Me, too.”

  I forced myself to put one foot in front of the other to return to my car. A way up the hillside, Tiny and Rammer looked on. Those two derelicts were staying, while I got kicked out. Just keep moving your feet.

  An hour later, I was at Jake’s Burgers, getting it up the ass from Jake. “Travis, man, I got nothing for you. Between the rib joints and the vegans, I can’t move burgers the way I used to.”

  Before my shift at the Community Center, I also put in applications at two gas stations, a hardware store, and a Home Warehouse. I’d get something else. I always did.

  But this had hurt. I’d gotten fired because I did something wrong. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before.

  It was starting. I was turning into my dad.

  ##

  I wasn’t homeless, I told myself. I still had a place in the world.

  The old Chevy was now my home.

  While in my mind the driver’s seat was still my car, the front passenger seat had morphed into my office. I kept my GED prep materials in my file cabinet, a bag on the floor. My glove compartment was my desk drawer, while a clipboard became my desk top. I spent part of my crummy little stock of cash on a car cell phone charger, since I needed a functioning phone to get a job.

  The back seat was my bedroom, where I kept a pillow, flashlight, and a couple of neatly folded blankets. My closet was two plastic garbage bags on the floor of the back seat.

  A cooler in the trunk served as my refrigerator. The rest of the trunk was my storage room. I decided I would keep as much as I could in the trunk, so the car didn’t look so obviously lived in.

  I would shower and shave every day at the Community Center, clean and trim my nails, and invest in more cologne, no matter how much it cost. I couldn’t afford to smell bad or get that weathered, desperate look that instantly read homeless.

  And, as usual, I would tell no one.

  It turned out Perkins was taking a week off, which I reported to Brandon. He scowled, while I tried to keep any expression off my face. It enraged me to see him enjoy this.

  “Alright, well, just so long as you tell him the minute he gets back!”

  “I will! Jeez, Brandon, gimme a break.”

  The self-righteous little turd. He should try living my life for even a day. Then I told myself, suck it up, Travis. Brandon was an asshole, but he was right. I had to tell Perkins, give up the fire service dream, and focus on getting some form of legal paid employment. If I never did anything more in life than support myself, I’d be a better man than my father.

  Evasion

  Zoey and I saw each other whenever we could outside of work, meeting at her house and always ending up in bed. “Let’s go out,” one of us would say, but then I would start exploring her collarbone with my lips. Or she would do some tiny thing like slide a fingertip inside the waistband of my jeans, inviting me to pin her down on the bed and take advantage of her. It was easy to be swept away by the hot, delicious awesomeness of staying home.

  On one of those nights, I lay beside her, drifting, spent, unable to even lift my head. I somehow managed to pull a drowsy Zoey toward me, wondering what time it was.

  I wanted her again, but couldn’t move. Was it Friday night? Or Saturday morning? These days, time went by in dollars. The time was forty-eight dollars. That’s what was left of Benny’s last pay check.

  I still didn’t have a job.

  I’d hoped to get Perdido Lumber. I was perfect for them, and they knew it. I could cut and carry boards, handle a cash register, charm the few women customers, and relate to men customers.

  “Thing is, we already made another offer,” the manager had said. His name was Scotty and he had giant hairy eyebrows that moved like two caterpillars across his forehead. “The asshole has to think about it!” His voice went into a growl as if he couldn’t imagine anything more outrageous. Behind him, a table saw screamed through a four by four, while the smell of cedar filled the air.

  I wondered why the “Help Wanted” sign was still up in the window. “When will you know?”

  Scotty shrugged as if I’d asked an impossibly difficult question. “It’s the owner’s nephew. He does things on his own time, while the rest of us wait, thank you very much!”

  “I’ll check back with you.”

  A rustling beside me as Zoey stirred and turned over. “I dozed off for a minute.”

  “Yeah.” I couldn’t stop myself from heaving a big sigh.

  She put her hand on my face. “You look so serious.”

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Travis, I know something’s been on your mind! Why won’t you tell me?”

  It was scary how fast my moods changed these days. I felt myself turn inward, sullen, uncooperative. “I’m fine, okay?” I hated being like this around Zoey. But I’d rather be an asshole than pathetic.

  “All right, well. Maybe some time when you’re ready.”

  Seeing the worry in her eyes, I hugged her, and she wiggled herself closer to me.

  “Do you want to go to the park with me and my brothers on Saturday? After Discoverers?”

  “Uh…” Brandon expected me to tell Perkins on Saturday morning. I was tied to a railroad track, and the train was coming. I had no way to stop it.

  “Or, maybe…,” she backtracked, “it’s not a good idea?” It was the first time she’d offered to introduce me to any members of her family.

  “No, it’s cool. I’d like to meet them.” I would live the next few days as if the upcoming catastrophe didn’t exist.

  I kissed Zoey, softly at first, then hard, as I ran my hand down her body. Heat, rough and urgent, exploded between us. Feeling her pounding heart and hot breath as she responded to me, knowing I had the power to turn her on, make her happy, I was suddenly strong again, manly. I pushed her onto her back, her arms pulling me down with her.

  ##

  “Perkins is back,” Brandon said, sinking to the concrete beside me in the training yard.

  I took in the familiar sights: the other Discoverers sitting around cross-legged waiting to start, the hard-used training structure, the brick back of the station, the shining trucks visible through its windows. Garret paced back and forth in front of the group, checking something on his phone.

  “Afterward,” I said. “Lemme do just one more day.”

  “No!” Brandon stood up. “You’re talking to him now, if I have to take you there myself.”

  “There isn’t time,” I started to say, but I was interrupted.

  “Brandon Vaughn. Siddown!” It was Garret. “We’re starting.”

  Brando
n stiffened, getting a mulish look. “Travis and I need to talk to the chief. Right now.”

  Garret’s eyebrows rose in a way that would have been comical if my life weren’t about to end. “Am I hearing you right? I said, Siddown!”

  Brandon didn’t budge. His fists clenched by his sides. “This is important!”

  If Brandon had always been the weakest link in the chain, he’d at least always followed orders. Garret stared at Brandon, his eyes narrowing. He tapped his phone a few times with one of his fingers. When he spoke, I could barely hear him. “One more time. Sit. Down.”

  Brandon cast a look at me, on the ground, frozen. “I’ll tell Perkins myself.” He marched toward the station’s back door.

  “HEY!” In a second, Garret was behind Brandon, grabbing his arm and swinging him around. “That’s it!”

  They faced off against one another, Brandon a good six inches taller but not half as scary. Garret spoke softly. “You’re out, Vaughn.”

  “I’m out?” Brandon’s shaking finger pointed at me. “I’ll tell you who should be out. Travis, that’s who!”

  Heads swiveled in my direction, as my life self-destructed before my eyes.

  But Brandon wasn’t done. “He’s been lying all along! He’s not enrolled in high school! He’s a drop out!”

  “Not possible! We check every candidate out before enrolling them.” Under Garret’s confident words, though, lay a sheen of doubt. I could see his mind spinning. He hadn’t been the one to sign me up.

  “Not this time you didn’t!” Brandon had the pure, shining conviction of a crusader.

  Dead silence in the training yard. I couldn’t look at any one, especially not Garret. I could imagine the shock in his eyes.

  “I’m going to Perkins,” Brandon said.

  I jumped up. “I’m going with you.”

  “NOBODY MOVES UNTIL I SAY SO!” Garret’s face was tomato-colored. Silence descended.

  “Now.” Garret glared around the training yard. “I’m taking you two to see Perkins. The rest of you: ladder drills. Adams, you’re in charge until I get back.”

  The three of us pounded into Perkins’s office, while he looked up in surprise. I was the first one in. “Chief,” I said. “Please. I need to speak with you. In private.”

  Unreliable

  I sent Zoey a text—Can’t make it this afternoon. Sorry. I drove up to the Ridge alone. She would just have to make up a story for her little brothers, that I was sick, mentally ill, a giant A-hole who couldn’t be counted on for anything. I was a cautionary tale for young boys, a living example of what not to become.

  I parked at a scenic viewpoint and sat overlooking, but not seeing a panorama of canyons and city. I kept hearing Perkins’s words.

  You had so much potential.

  Every part of me still burned with shame as I saw in my mind the disappointment on his face and on Garret’s too.

  Red-hot fury boiled when I thought of Brandon—the little prick—even though I knew it was all my fault. I still wanted to get him into a corner and pound him.

  Restless and jumpy, I struck out on a hiking trail, which a sign said made a four mile circle. I took the trail in huge steps, almost bounding along, looking grimly ahead, occasionally hitting a branch with my neck or shoulder, once tripping and almost falling over a tree root.

  Four puny miles didn’t even take the edge off my rage. As my car came into sight again, I plunged back down the trail and did another four.

  When I finished, having run the last two miles, my head had finally cleared a little, which only made me more conscious of my pain. It was getting toward sunset. Maybe I would spend the night here. An RV was already parked, as if its owner had gotten the same idea.

  The door flew open, and a woman stepped down, her legs bulging in a kind of lavender sausage casing. The rest of her was an explosion of fringed fabric and puffy apricot-colored hair.

  She pointed at my Chevy. “Is that your car?”

  “Yeah,” I said, noticing her blue eye shadow from ten feet away.

  “You just here for the view?”

  “I took a hike. But I think I’m gonna spend the night.”

  She looked me over. “Awright. But if you’re in the mood for trouble, I got no cash with me. And I’m packing a gun!”

  I couldn’t smile or even react. I didn’t think I’d ever smile again. “You’re safe with me. I’m just looking for a place to sleep.”

  “Good. Glad we got that out of the way.” She disappeared back into her RV.

  I couldn’t stand the thought of checking my messages. How many were from Zoey?

  Tired and starving, I crawled into my front passenger seat. I had nothing to read except my GED prep stuff, which I’d been studying for a while. Sitting in my front seat office, I pulled out a review test and a pencil and started answering sample questions.

  Or trying to. Questions about hyperbole and cell division swam before me, but all I could see was Zoey’s face.

  A delicious smell wafted in my direction from the RV. My mouth watered and my stomach grumbled, while I thought grimly of the peanut butter and crackers in my cooler. It was the only food I had, and I was down to sixteen dollars.

  A door banged open and footsteps crunched on gravel. Blue eye shadow loomed outside my car window. “You want a burger and some beer?”

  “Yes!” Up close I realized that, underneath the wrinkle-hiding make-up, she was probably my mom’s age.

  I helped her set up two lawn chairs and gratefully accepted an ice cold Budweiser. It went down like liquid joy.

  “I’m Letty,” she said. “Didn’t mean to seem unfriendly earlier. It’s just, a woman can’t be too careful.”

  “No problem. I’m Travis.” I bit into a burger with jack cheese, ketchup and pickles, closing my eyes as my taste buds lit up. “This food is awesome.”

  “Want some potato chips?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “Fruit salad?”

  “Yes, please.”

  It took some heaving, but she eventually leveraged herself out of the low lawn chair. “It’s fun to feed a young man again!” She went off and returned with more chow, which I wolfed.

  She had lost her husband a year ago and was now driving from San Diego to Montana to live near her sister. “She’s in an RV park, like me and Chet were. She’s got a spot reserved for me just two down from hers.”

  “Excellent!”

  “My son’s in the Marines. I’m crazy proud of him, but I never see him,” she went on.

  I nodded.

  “What about you? Traveling?”

  “Homeless.”

  The word rang out in the quiet evening. Letty pulled back as if I’d slapped her. Even I was shocked I’d said it.

  “Well that explains it,” she said. “When I first saw you, I thought you were both the handsomest and the saddest boy I’d ever seen.”

  Pain welled up, starting in my chest and filling my throat and head. “My dad’s in prison.” It was the first time I’d ever said those words aloud. Slowly, I started to talk. I talked about Dad and Mom. I went on to Zoey, Benny, and the fire station. I told her what had happened today. “So they threw me out,” I said. “And I don’t think Zoey will ever speak to me again.”

  Then I spewed some more, telling her my fear that I would always be a failure like my dad. Letty just listened, her hands folded in her lap. The Ridge was dark and quiet now, except for the occasional passing car.

  When I finished, I felt as if I’d taken all the old broken belongings and garbage in my life and thrown them away. I looked expectantly at Letty, who sat for a minute, saying nothing. When she spoke, her words were like velvet and steel.

  “I raised my boy to be a Marine, so I know something about bringing up strong men.” She ran her eye over me. “What makes you think you’re gonna be a failure?”

  “My dad. My life.”

  “Why would you end up like your father?”

  “I don’t know. Like father, l
ike son?”

  “That’s baloney! Listen to me. You’re not him. You have looks, brains, and health. If you fail, it’ll be your own damn fault!” She jerked her chin for emphasis.

  “Then I guess my current situation is all my fault,” I fired back.

  She softened slightly. “Okay, you’ve had some tough breaks. Things beyond your control. But, you wanna get ahead? Don’t look to your ma, your pa, your next door neighbor. Look to yourself.”

  I took in her words. “I wanna be a firefighter.”

  She nodded in approval. “Then be one. Don’t let anyone stop you.”

  “What should I do about Zoey?”

  She cocked her head. “Are you serious about her?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then let her in.”

  I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. I would do anything for Zoey—wasn’t that enough? Whatever it was, I went back to my car fearing it was too late now anyway.

  When I woke up the next morning, the RV was gone, and a note was under my windshield wiper.

  “I read once, Fall down seven times, get up eight. It’s worth trying. Warmest wishes, Letty.”

  ##

  “I need a minute with Travis.”

  The crew cleared out, leaving me and Zoey alone in the Community Center kitchen. I waited, a whipped dog, knowing there was nothing I could ever say to make this better.

  Zoey studied me, her eyes serious, her brows lowered. “Did you have an emergency?” she said finally. “Why didn’t you come or answer my calls?”

  I stared out the window, realizing dimly that I probably seemed sullen, indifferent. “I was unavailable, okay?” I would rather never see Zoey again than admit I’d been thrown out of the Discoverers.

  Her mouth bunched up and her eyes darkened as anger replaced concern. “I was worried about you. I was all set to introduce you to part of my family. You just blew me off, and you have no explanation?”

  “I didn’t want to blow you off. It’s complicated though.” More than she knew.

  “What is it, Travis? What are you keeping from me?”

  I could tell her everything and be a loser, or keep my mouth shut and be an asshole. I was screwed either way.