Ties That Bind

by Heather Huffman

  “Makes sense,” he agreed. “And I won’t even ask you who he is… yet.”

  “I really appreciate that,” she closed her eyes for a second to compose her happy face.

  “Katie! You came!” Gaston pulled her away from Gavin to sweep her into a twirling hug that lifted her off the ground.

  “Please stop calling me Katie or you’ll get him going on that again,” she nodded towards Gavin, laughing in spite of herself.

  “I make no promises. So tell me about yourself,” he set her back on the ground but didn’t relinquish his hold on her waist.

  “Let me introduce you to my friends first. You’ll love them.”

  And he had instantly liked them. The evening was a happy little dream for Kate, her old friend here in the midst of the new. The only thing keeping her from total euphoria was the pair of eyes that never seemed to leave her back. What was his problem? Hadn’t he done the leaving?

  “I don’t think he’s ever really forgiven himself,” Gaston whispered, noticing the direction of her scowl.

  “Poor baby.” There was venom in her voice.

  “Just throwing it out there,” Gaston shrugged and rejoined the lively banter between Liz and Jack.

  It wasn’t until night turned to early morning that the little group finally disbanded for home. When the limo pulled away from Kate’s curb, it didn’t surprise her to find she wasn’t standing alone on her sidewalk. Gavin gave her a lopsided grin and wordlessly followed her to the fourth floor. Kate wasn’t sure how she felt about that. She was dangerously close to being a blubbering idiot and she didn’t want him to witness that. On the other hand, would it be all bad to have a shoulder to cry on?

  Without much fanfare, he busied himself making them some tea while Kate went to change into some pajamas. She was beyond the point of pride. She needed to submerse herself in comfortable at the moment. Besides, they both knew why he was here tonight and she didn’t need a pretty blue dress for that.

  When she was seated cross-legged on the couch facing Gavin she began her story.

  “I met Peter in college. He was there on a basketball scholarship. I thought I was hopelessly in love with him for years. Some days he would notice me, some days he wouldn’t. But then we ran into each other just after graduation. It was summer. We were both feeling very adult. I’d taken the job at the San Francisco symphony. He’d taken a job with a tech company in Silicon Valley.

  “That had to be a sign, right? It was amazing – like something right out of a storybook. He always told me I had a very pretty smile,” she paused, a smile playing upon her lips as she was lost in a memory. Gavin was hardly breathing, his fingers wound through hers and a stony expression covered his face.

  “But then I realized I was pregnant. At first, he wanted to get married. He was really mad when I didn’t say yes right away. And my mom,” Kate closed her eyes to the pain. “It was like I’d ripped her heart right out. The next couple of months were a blur. I called San Francisco and told them I couldn’t take the job. Then…I lost the baby. She was gone. ”

  Kate stopped for a moment, her arms instinctively pulling free to wrap around her stomach. It had hurt so badly. The memory of the physical and emotional trauma seared her like a branding iron and it took her a minute to regain her composure.

  “Peter left me after that. Maybe he’d been hurt because I wouldn’t marry him in a shotgun wedding. Maybe I’d changed too much. Either way, he was gone. My mother couldn’t believe I’d lost the baby. She was convinced I’d had an abortion and she was so… livid. Absolutely furious. It nearly tore us apart. In fact, I don’t know if things were really right again between us until the day she got the diagnosis. Everything else seemed to melt away then.” Kate finished her story with a faraway look of sadness. It had been a long time since she’d really thought about all of that pain.

  “That’s when you stopped playing.”

  “The music was just… gone after that. I can’t explain it.”

  “I understand,” he reached for her.

  “Don’t,” she shook her head. “I don’t think I can keep it together if you do that.”

  “Then let it go,” he urged, pulling her to him successfully that time. And so, after all of those years, she did let it go. Ever-so-gently he lay back, bringing her with him as he went. Curled in his arms on her couch, she buried her face in his chest and cried herself to sleep. His protective embrace shielded her from the cold of the world and that night she dreamt of warmth and sunshine.

  Kate peeked up at Gavin from her cozy spot. She was careful not to move much so she wouldn’t wake him. She liked watching him sleep. She liked doing so from his arms. Part of her wanted very badly to wake him with a kiss. Part of her was even more resolved to repair the barrier between them.

  If last night taught her anything, it was that she was still very broken and in no place for a relationship. As she lay there listening to the even cadence of his heart, she realized he had already worked his way into hers. It was too late to keep that from happening. But she could perform damage control.

  She could tell when he woke up by the subtle change in the rise and fall of his chest. She peered up at him, suddenly nervous and very aware of everything she had shared the night before.

  “Hi,” she was afraid to move.

  “Hello,” he gave her a lazy smile that eased her fears. “I’m a little hesitant to ask, but where do we go from here?”

  “What do you have in mind?” Kate pulled herself up and he frowned at the obvious withdrawal.

  “I don’t know. Why don’t you let me sweep you off your feet? We can fall madly in love – this could be the beginning of our story.”

  “Everything is happening so fast,” Kate shook her head. “I can’t even begin to process it all. I just don’t work that way.”

  “Anymore,” he amended.

  “That’s right, anymore. Not since I grew up.” She winced at her own words.

  “Right then.” His face darkened as he stood.

  “Wait, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just need more time to figure things out… maybe a little space.”

  “Time? Space? Do you have any idea how bloody excruciating this is for me? I do work that way, Kate. I want to spend every waking minute of every day with you – not be your yo-yo on a string.”

  “I don’t mean to treat you like a yo-yo,” tears sprang into her eyes, making her even angrier at herself. “I want to spend every waking minute of every day with you, too. But then I sort of panic and I can’t explain it but I need more time to process.”

  “Don’t do that,” he dropped to his knees before her. “Don’t cry.”

  “I…can’t...help...it.” Kate buried her face in a pillow to avoid his worried eyes. She hated herself for doing this in front of him – twice no less.

  He sat beside her, pulling her back into his embrace and stroking her hair as he crooned nonsensical words of comfort. His voice was a soothing balm and the flood of tears soon subsided.

  “I’ll do my best to give you time. And even as much space as sharing an office will allow. But I can’t promise I’ll like it or always be good natured about it.”

  She wanted to grab him by the shirt collar and beg him to never leave her. She wanted to immerse herself in the feel of his touch and his scent and the sound of his voice for the rest of her days. But she knew that sometimes leaving wasn’t a person’s choice. The harsh reality was that one way or another he would leave her and Kate wasn’t sure she was strong enough to love him more only to lose him. So rather than appeals to stay, she stood and brushed herself off with a small nod.

  “I can’t ask for more than that.”

  He nodded his response, and strode out of her apartment without another word. And just like that, she felt winter descend anew in her soul.

  Chapter Eight

  It was an odd kind of truce they seemed to be negotiating over the next couple of weeks. They spoke few words between them. And although polite,
it was always superficial. She wanted to tell him that she’d had her violin restrung and the bow re-haired so she could begin playing again but he had a certain distance in his eyes; it was almost as if he’d given up trying to scale the walls she’d erected between them. So there was no one to hear the tentative music she was creating with her violin. It was excruciating and a little bit of a relief.

  Kate had begun taking the reporters to lunch. Her lunch calendar was booked solid as she endeavored to get to know the San Francisco media-makers. She knew their opinion of her would make or break her events. More than that, she enjoyed getting to know people outside of the little circle of friends she’d developed. There were a few she’d even venture to call friends. She enjoyed the easy camaraderie and at least their questions about Gavin Nichols were limited to his ability as a photographer… for the most part anyway.

  The launch party and the wedding were coming together. She couldn’t avoid taking Gavin with her for the occasional photo shoot, but they always rode in silence and were usually accompanied by Tara or Jessica. There were times Kate wanted to reach out and touch Gavin so badly her hand almost ached because of it. If he felt the same, he didn’t show it.

  But sometimes she did feel his eyes on her. Or at least she thought she did, she never caught him at it. Trying to keep her distance meant she was always fully aware of his presence. Trying not to think about him meant he was always somewhere in her mind.

  When she played her violin at night, his face seemed to drift before her. There was no escaping him. To make matters worse, he’d started getting calls several times a day and his response to them was always the same – he’d ask the caller to hold on a minute then take the call outside. Kate was burning with curiosity. Had he found someone else that quickly? She had asked for space and time. Most men would take that as a green light to look elsewhere.

  The more calls he got, the more masked his face became. The more guarded his expression, the more certain she was that he was seeing someone. She didn’t want to ask Jessica or Liz. It wasn’t fair to put them in the middle like that. But she really wanted to.

  “Invitations are in,” Liz broke the silence one afternoon.

  “Really?” Jessica perked right up at the announcement.

  “Can you guys still help me assemble them?”

  “I’d love to.” Kate meant it wholeheartedly; that was one less night to fill.

  “Great, come by after work. I’ll feed you dinner.”

  Having something to do for the evening that wouldn’t entail a stony silence between herself and Gavin was exciting. Kate found that for once, she was looking forward to the evening. Liz’s apartment was adorable, although Kate did think it a little odd that the front room was a vibrant orange spice while every other room was stark white.

  “Derrick doesn’t like color on the walls. I’m working on him one room at a time,” Liz explained, accurately reading Kate’s expression. “Next I think I’m going to shoot for eggplant in the dining room.”

  “Oooh, that sounds pretty.”

  “I know, doesn’t it? I mean who’s ever heard of a creative designer with no color in their home? It’s just not right.”

  “You have a point,” Kate smiled, tempted to go home and paint her walls because she could.

  Derrick had gone out with friends for the night, leaving the three women alone in the apartment. The invitations were spread out on the living room floor and each friend took a stack to work on. Liz had very specific instructions for them and Kate got the impression it pained her to not be able to see to each and every detail completely herself. If she could have cloned herself, Liz probably would have. Kate was genuinely looking forward to the wedding. From what she’d heard of the planning, it promised to be an event to remember. That, and Kate was dying to see who won the invitation wars.

  “Oh, get this,” Liz shook her head. “She totally went off on me yesterday for not having kids.”

  “You’re not having kids?” Kate wondered. No one had to ask who she was; the tone of voice implied Liz’s mother-in-law.

  “No, we’ve decided we’re too selfish to have children. We kind of want to keep it all about us.”

  “Makes sense to me,” Kate thought about it for a second. “I can think of a lot of couples who should have made that decision.”

  “I don’t know how you can say that,” Jessica frowned. “You don’t want babies even a little?”

  “Anything that needs its diaper changed is not my idea of fun.”

  “So Derrick’s in trouble if he winds up in diapers before you?” Kate pointed out.

  “Ew. I don’t want to think about that.”

  Kate shrugged.

  “Well I, for one, am looking forward to having children,” Jessica declared.

  “I can see that,” Kate nodded. “I think you’ll be an amazing mom.”

  “Really? You think so?” Jessica seemed to light up at the compliment. Kate couldn’t fathom why her opinion on the subject mattered.

  “I know so,” she emphasized her words with a smile.

  “So what are your plans for the Fourth?” Liz asked Kate, changing the subject.

  “You know, I hadn’t really thought about it,” Kate paused. Time was moving so fast.

  “Figures,” Liz shook her head, counting Kate as a lost cause. “Some of us are going to check out a local Irish punk group that’s playing at the Mezzanine that night then we’re watching fireworks over the bay. Wanna come?”

  “I don’t know—are you going to ditch me with Gavin again?” Kate eyed her warily.

  “Wouldn’t dream of it,” Liz promised, her face the picture of innocence.

  “Mmm-hmm. Jessica, is Gavin going to be there?” Kate was skeptical.

  “I’m hurt.”

  Kate didn’t take that statement to heart. They all knew Jessica was the moral compass of their little group. And she was the one person you could always count on to tell the truth. So when she confirmed it wasn’t a set up, Kate happily agreed to go.

  That night, she called Gaston and he agreed to be her “date” for the evening. He was a very convenient friend to have in many respects. The day after they’d seen him at the symphony, he’d made use of the business card she’d given him and called her for the scoop on Gavin. He’d also offered up the juicy tidbit that Peter had been crazy jealous all evening. That knowledge alone had been enough to soften the blow of seeing him.

  By the time the Fourth of July rolled around, Gavin was out of the office more than he was in. Jack seemed unperturbed by that fact and Kate told herself she should be grateful for it. Jack took off the day before to spend a few days with Tara’s parents, who apparently had a rather large estate in Malibu. Knowing the price tag that must have entailed, Kate wondered if maybe she’d been wrong about where the money came from in that relationship.

  The more she was around Jack the more she got the feeling he wasn’t from money the way Tara was. She was rich, she was pretty and she was talented. There was no earthly reason for her to be with Jack – except that maybe she really did love him. And because of that, Kate was glad she seemed to be making the wedding plans go more smoothly for Tara. She wasn’t quite the pit viper Kate had assumed. Sometimes it was good to be wrong.

  Kate was nearly ready when Gaston knocked on her door. She let him in and ran back to her makeup case.

  “Almost done. Sorry,” she called behind her.

  “No problem,” he smiled at her. He was devastatingly handsome with his sandy blonde hair and bright blue eyes, but she noticed his looks the way one would admire a pretty sunset. They were hard not to admire, but didn’t have the power to render her senseless the way Gavin did. But then, Gaston was like a brother, always had been. “Where’s the guy?”

  “Don’t ask,” Kate frowned a little, giving herself one last inspection in the mirror.

  “What did you do?” he demanded.

  “How do you know it was me?” She scowled in earnest now.

  “K
ate,” he crossed his arms and waited for her response.

  “I said I needed space,” she hung her head.

  “What is wrong with you?” he threw his hands up at that. “I liked this guy.”

  “I don’t know,” she turned her light off with more force than necessary. “I liked him, too.”

  “Then call him up, see if he wants to come tonight.”

  “I think he’s already moved on,” she told him miserably.

  “Are you sure about that?” He was doubtful.

  “He gets several calls a day that he won’t take in front of me. And he hasn’t even tried to speak to me since the night at the symphony.”

  “You mean, the night when you asked him for space?” He asked pointedly.

  “Yeah, that would be the night.”

  “Oh my dear sweet girl. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it tonight. It’ll all work itself out,” he held his hand out to her. “And we’re already late so come on.”

  Kate paused briefly over her shoe collection, her eyes misting when her gaze tripped over the lone purple high heel still sitting in her closet. Memories of that day with Gavin flooded her like a tidal wave. She blinked a few times, grabbing the first pair of heels she saw and closing the closet door firmly. Rational thought told her to get rid of the shoe. Something altogether different made her keep it. Kate grabbed her house key, her money, and her ID on the way out the door. She slid them in her pocket, thinking life was so much easier without a purse. They were met on the sidewalk in front of the Mezzanine by a very anxious Jessica and Liz.

  “I promise we didn’t know,” Jessica blurted out before they’d even said hello.

  “Excuse me?” Kate was baffled.

  “When we said he wouldn’t be here, we had no idea. He didn’t tell any of us, although I guess he doesn’t have to report his every move but still, you think he would have mentioned this somewhere along the way,” Jessica seemed to be getting agitated with someone and Kate could only assume it was Gavin.