Longing for Love

by Vicki Green

  “I love you.”

  He stands and walks around the counter then tugs me into his arms. “I love you too. Just know I’m always here for you.” He pulls back, his arms still around me. “Go. Take your bath and then call Kane. See when you two can get together and talk. The sooner you tell him, the more relieved you’ll be and then you can really be excited about the baby.” He leans down and kisses my cheek and turns to walk away. “Call me and let me know how it goes.”

  I give him a smile and nod as I watch him walk out of the kitchen, soon to hear the front door closing. I grab what’s left of my water and walk to the front door, locking it, and then go upstairs. I begin to fill the tub and get undressed, stopping once I’m fully unclothed and look in the mirror. My hand self-consciously covers my flat stomach wondering what it will feel like when I feel life in it, the day that my baby will move for the first time, kick, and bring me to my knees with the feeling of it all. I get into the tub and lay back, pushing the bubbles around to cover me. My thoughts move to Kane, what he might be doing right now, and how he’ll react to the news.

  Once my skin has pruned and I’ve had enough of wondering, I let the water out and dry off, getting on my sleep shirt and shorts then pad to my room and grab my phone from the nightstand. There’s several messages and I realize that I haven’t even paid attention to my phone ever since I met Charles for lunch. I guess I’ve been pre-occupied. I let out an unladylike snort as I pull up the first message. Pre-occupied is an understatement.

  Kane: Hey! How’s your day going?

  I smile, placing my finger over the message.

  Kane: Are you ok? You’re worrying me. 

  Oh, no! How selfish of me to ignore my phone and his messages. Now, I feel horrible.

  Kane: I’m going to come over there if you don’t respond soon. Please answer me.

  Kane: Bria, I was about to leave to come over and find u but Danie’s sick. She’s ok but is running a fever. Please let me know that ur ok. Please? Charles isn’t answering either. If I have to I’ll ask Ma to come over so I can come to u.

  I’ve worried him. The last message was just a couple of minutes ago. I quickly call him. I feel so bad for upsetting him and with Danie being ill. I hope she’s okay. Now, I’m worried.

  “Bria. Thank fuck!” I let out a sigh, opening my mouth to speak when I hear his voice muffled. “I know. I owe the bad word jar. Sorry.” Well, at least I know she’s alright enough to scold him for his cussing. I let out a breath and smile. “Bria. I’ve been worried. Are you okay?”

  Am I okay? Not really, somewhat. He doesn’t need anything more to worry about. “I’m fine. How’s Danie?”

  I hear his own sigh let out into my ear. “She’s okay. Pop’s been here all day. Seems he thinks the answer to a sore throat is red popsicles so her tongue is beet red.” He lets out a chuckle and I sag in relief. “She’s still running a temperature though, not as high as it was. Pop insists on staying with her again tomorrow, saying that she needs her grandpop in order to get better.” I let out a laugh. “He won’t even let Ma near her.” He laughs again. “The doctor thinks it’s just a virus and a cold but told me to keep her warm and told me to give her this medicine she gave me. Danie’s been clinging to me like glue though.” My heart breaks for this special little girl. How hard would it be to lose your mother, the one you want the most when you don’t feel well, and have strangers who have become your family, the only people you can hold on to. I don’t think she feels that way with them anymore but it still must be hard and a little scary. “So tell me. Why didn’t you answer my texts today?” My heart stops. I can’t tell him over the phone and I don’t want to lie to him. I want our relationship to be of trust.

  “I’m so sorry. I was with Charles for most of the day. We went out to lunch and lost track of the time. I’m sorry to hear about Danie and hope she feels better quickly. Will you tell her and give her my love?” Another long breath sounds in my ear.

  “Of course. I’m glad you had some time with Charles. I’ve been monopolizing your time.” He laughs. “But I don’t feel bad. You can tell him I said that.”

  I let out a laugh. “I will. He’ll love that.” I can’t go over while Danie’s sick and until she’s well that may be the only time we’d be able to talk. He needs to be with her. I can’t ask him to come over here knowing he wants to be there with her, taking care of her, and worrying about her. It’s not the right time. “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do. How are you holding up?”

  “I won’t lie. I’ve been a wreck but I took her to the doctor this morning and then relieved at what she said so Pops stayed with her so I could go to work. I missed seeing you today though. Then I got so concerned when you didn’t answer my texts that I about went mad.”

  “I’m sorry. I promise I’ll never do that to you again.”

  “I’m just glad you’re okay. I’ll probably be sticking close to her for the next couple of days after work. You can always come over here but I don’t want you to catch it either.” He lets out another sigh, mine following.

  “I understand. I hope you and your parents don’t catch it either. I worry about you too, you know.”

  “I know.”

  We talked for an hour, me sliding under the covers with Smoky curled into my side. Neither of us wanted to hang up but finally, after several yawns from me, we said our goodnights followed by our love yous and hung up. I laid there for a long time, petting Smoky, lost in my thoughts. I finally turned off the lamp and allowed myself to close my eyes.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Kane’s eyes flare, his breathing accelerating quickly. “How could you?” I gasp in shock, my hopes that he’d realize that I’m carrying his child, a living being, part me-part him, was inside me waiting for our love. “Don’t I have enough to worry about with Danie?” My heart races, bleeds with his words. How could he be so cruel? I watch him pace the floor, his hands moving up onto his head in exasperation. “You said you were protected!” He stops and glares at me. “I thought we were safe!” He begins to pace again. “I should have known better. I knew I’d be trapped eventually.” He walks to me, grabbing my arms. I stiffen in his rough hold. “How could you do this to me?”

  I bolt up to a sitting position, grabbing my heart and trying to catch my breath. Smoky meows loudly and jumps from my bed. I look around my room, darkness still heavy and thick. I turn and look at my alarm clock and note I’d only been asleep for a few hours. I reach up shakily and push some of my hair from my face, matted down with a light sweat covering me. Smoky jumps back up onto the mattress, her loud talk telling me that she’s here as she cuddles up to me, her nose rubbing up and down my arm. I lean over and pick her up, holding her close and feeling her purrs vibrate against me. “Just a dream,” I whisper. “Just a bad dream.” I chant this in my mind as I keep ahold of Smoky and lay back down, turning onto my side. My eyes are wide open, looking into the darkness, the feeling of hopelessness and dread still thick in me. I stroke Smoky, her purring soothing me some. My heart begins to slow, going back to its regular beat but the ill feeling in the pit of my soul lingers. How will I cope if he would react like that? How would I survive if he truly thought I trapped him by getting pregnant? I know I’d still love our child and that I’d raise him or her with all the love I could possess but they would need their father. They deserve to have the love of both parents. Smoky meows loudly and I look down, barely able to see her eyes in the dark. I shake my head still petting her. Stop thinking like that, Bria. It was a dream. I snuggle down into the covers, bringing Smoky closer. I close my eyes but no sleep comes to me.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Kane

  “Your fever is finally gone but I think you still need to take it easy. How about some cartoons and we’ll lay around?” Danie looks up at me and smiles, nodding her head. I pick her up and carry her into the living room, setting her on the couch and putting her blanket over her. Pop brought it over earlier this week and now i
t’s her “special” blanket. The man hasn’t left her side all week. He barely lets me have any time with her. I can’t deny him though. I love watching him with her and I know she’s falling in love with him as much as he already has with her. He didn’t have a daughter until Irish came along but she was older when she joined our family. I see the love in his eyes when he looks at Danie. I see how attentive he is when she’s playing with her toys and she asks him to play with her. I guess I never thought of him any other way then a man, strong, sometimes firm, but he’d always play ball with Brock and me then as we got older it was all about running the bar or his construction business. Seeing him with Danie makes my heart melt and shows his soft side, one I’ve never gotten to see before.

  I’ve hated that I’ve haven’t seen Bria at all this week and it’s tearing me up inside. She hasn’t been to the site, saying she’s working from home or meeting with potential clients. I’d feel like she’s been avoiding me but we’d make up for it by talking for hours once Danie would go to bed and even had phone sex. Now, that was hot. So hot that we both had to clean up afterwards. Yeah, I really liked that.

  I almost went over to her house last night then Danie wanted me to read to her and spend some time alone. Her fever had finally gotten down but lingered a little and I couldn’t say no to those big brown eyes. Bria understood. Of course she did. She has the biggest heart. That’s what I love about her, among other things. Fuck, I’m horny. It’s not just her body I crave though. I love spending time with her, listening to her thoughts about anything. She’s smart, smarter than me, but she’s also funny, caring, kind, and beyond sweet. God! And her smell? When I nuzzle my nose over her skin, it takes my breath away. Lilacs, sweet, and her. This isn’t helping. I’m getting harder just thinking about her.

  After watching so many cartoons I about went crazy, I finally put Danie in her bed, already asleep in my arms. I kiss her forehead and tuck the covers in around her and walk out the door, leaving it open a crack. After turning off all the lights, I go to my room and remove my clothes, stepping into my sleep pants and crawl into bed. Taking my phone from the nightstand, my heart hammers in my chest as I call Bria.

  “Kane,” she answers, her voice rough with sleep.

  “I’m sorry I woke you. Are you okay? It’s early still.” Concern washes through me. I know we’ve only been together for a few months but I’ve never known her to go to sleep so early, especially on a Friday night.

  She lets out a yawn. “Sorry. Yes, I’m fine. I fell asleep doing some work on my laptop in bed. I guess it was just that exciting.” She laughs and my heart sighs in relief.

  “You work too hard, baby. You need some time for yourself and fuck, I miss you so much.” Okay. That didn’t come out quite how I wanted but I can’t help it. I do miss her. This is the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other and it’s taking its toll on me. I hear her sigh into the phone.

  “I miss you too. So much. We really need to talk.”

  “Among other things,” I add.

  She laughs and it’s music to my ears. It’s also makes me harder than a rock.

  “Yes, among other things.”

  I lay down and get comfortable. “So. What are you wearing?” I hear rustling on her end and stifle a laugh when I hear Smoky yell. She must have kicked her out of the way. Poor Smoky, yea for me!

  “I’m wearing my birthday suit, just for you,” she breathes out. I don’t know if it’s from getting settled or from being ready for our nightly sex talking but fuck if that wasn’t hot!

  “God! My favorite! I love your birthday suit.” I reach down and struggle to push my sleep pants down. Why I put them on in the first place, I’ll never know. I grab my hard erection and give it a stroke. “Are you wet for me, baby?” I close my eyes, imagining her laying there, her pink nipples peaked, waiting for me to kiss, suck, and nip at them.

  “So wet,” she answers, her breathing heavy, labored already. Fuck, she’s killing me.

  “Fuck, baby. Imagine I’m there, rubbing your tight nipples with my thumbs as I massage your breasts. So perfect for my hands.”

  “Ungh, Kane,” she moans.

  I stroke myself and already feel the wetness at the tip of my length. “Slide your hand down your body, baby. Let me feel your silky skin, take it down where you want me.”

  “God, you feel so good. Lower. Please,” she whimpers.

  I hear a noise and my eyes snap open. I still. Nothing. Closing my eyes, I stroke harder, firmer. “Put your finger inside you, right where I wish my cock was right now.” Faster, harder, fuck, I’m gonna come before she does. I slow down, wanting to wait for her.

  “Oh, God! Kane!” Fuck, I wish I was there. I’d give anything to see her face, watch her pleasure herself as she thought of me.

  Another noise and I look at my door. Danie. Shit! Suddenly, there’s a beep on my phone. I pull it back and see Brock’s calling. Fuck! “Uh, Bria? Danie’s crying and Brock’s calling. Shit, I’m sorry.” She’s breathing so heavy now but becomes quiet.

  “No. It’s okay. I’ll just….” Rustling noises and then silence. Another beep on my phone and another cry from Danie’s room. “I’m good. I mean, ugh. I’m okay. Go. I’ll just….” Shit, I know how she feels. My cock started to deflate as soon as I heard Danie’s cry.

  “I’ll call you back or at least text you. Okay? I’m so sorry.” For me and for her.

  “Go. I’ll be fine. Yes, please. Let me know if everything’s okay.”

  “I love you, Bria.”

  “I love you too.”

  I swipe the phone as I start to get out of bed, trying to pull my sleep pants back up with one hand. “Brock. What’s up?” I get my pants up and start walking toward my door to go see about Danie.

  “Hey! Sorry if I woke you but Taren’s gone into premature labor.” I stop, my heart stopping along with my steps.

  “Is she okay? Jenae?”

  “Yeah. They’re both okay. The doctor thinks Jenae is big enough and her lungs are fully developed so she’s gonna let Taren go ahead and give birth. Guess I’m about to become a dad.” His voice is beaming with love and pride. I smile and start walking towards Danie’s room again.

  “Good to hear it, man. I’ll touch base with you in the morning. Danie’s well now so I think I can bring her up in the morning.”

  “That would be great! Ma and Pop are on their way up here now,” he says, excitement filling his voice.

  “That’s great, Brock. I’m so happy for you and Taren. Give her my love, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow but if Jenae comes before then call me.” His excitement is filling me as well. I hear Danie cry out again as I get to her door. “I gotta go, man. Congrats. Love you!”

  He tells me he loves me too and that he’ll call if she comes before morning. I end the call and push open Danie’s door and find her sitting up in bed rubbing her eyes. I sit down beside her and she immediately crawls into my lap, her little arms hugging my neck in a death grip. I hold the back of her head and put my arm around her. “Shhhh. Bad dream?” She nods and I stand and carry her to my room. I’d talked to her therapist once and had told her that Danie sleeps with me when she gets really upset. She said under the circumstances it was okay. Danie needed the reassurance and comfort right now that she’s not alone and I should be with her as much as possible but it could turn into a bad habit at some point if I’m not careful. She said right now Danie needed it as much as I did. She wasn’t kidding. I almost think I need it more than Danie, at times. I still can’t believe she’s mine, that I helped make her.

  I get her into my bed and pull up the covers then sit down beside her, wiping away the tears that cover her small face. “Wanna tell me about it?” I ask, softly. She nods and lets out a shaky sob. “Was it about your mommy?” She shakes her head. “Me?” Another shake. I start going through the list of family names and when I get to Pop she starts nodding and crying uncontrollably. I lift her into my arms and hold onto her tightly. “It’s okay, Danie. Pop’s okay
. He’s on his way to the hospital to see Brock and Taren.” She starts crying harder. Shit! That was the wrong thing to say. “Hey, hey.” I begin rubbing her back. “Shhhh. It’s okay, sweetie. Remember when I told you that Taren is going to have a baby? A little girl named Jenae?” She nods, her crying dying down and she sniffles. “Well, Jenae is getting ready to come into the world to be with Brock and Taren. Grandma and Grandpop just went up to be with them.” She pulls back a little and looks in my eyes, hers wide. “Yeah. So see, he’s okay.” I brush some of her long hair away from her face and wipe some more tears from her cheeks. I lean in and kiss her forehead. “Better?” She nods and lays her head down on my shoulder. “Come on. How about you sleep in here with me and we’ll cuddle, okay?” Her head moves up and down so I lay her back down and crawl in under the covers next to her. She immediately snuggles into me and I put my arm around her. She sniffles a few more times and then I hear her light breathing. I put my arm under my head and look up at the ceiling. I feel bad for Bria, having to hang up with her but I’m excited for Brock and Taren and can’t wait to meet my niece. I tighten my arm around Danie and she snuggles into me more, her light breathing telling me she’s still asleep. Then I feel bad about whatever scared her so bad. Pop? Why would she have a bad dream about him? They’ve had such a great week together, gotten so close. Maybe she’s afraid he’ll leave her like her mom did. I dunno. I don’t pretend to understand kids yet, but I’m trying. It’s so hard to know what’s going through her little head since she won’t talk. Her therapist thinks it’s her way of dealing with things, with the sudden loss of her mommy, only having her as the one person who has loved her. I hope soon she’ll understand she is loved by so many people and that she’ll finally talk. I finally let my eyes close, feeling warm with my little girl tucked into my side and fall asleep.