Longing for Love

by Vicki Green

“We could get those foldout tables and chairs at the bar,” Brock suggests.

  I laugh as we leave Caylan holding Jenae while we go get everything. The look on his surprised face was so worth it. We had closed the bar with a sign on the front saying “Closed due to Pop’s service” and had posted the address of the funeral home. Everyone who frequented the bar loved Pop so I’m sure the church will be packed. When we get my truck loaded, we head back to Ma’s and then unload everything, setting them up in her backyard. I’m sure the small area will be full of people later today. By the time I run upstairs, shower, and get dressed, it’s almost time to leave.

  The limo came to pick us all up, Danie’s eyes so wide as she gets inside. I’d run out and grabbed her car seat from my truck and fastened it in the limo as soon as it got here. Once we’re all seated, the limo pulls away and I sit beside my daughter, my heart beating so fast as I watch everything pass by. I feel a hand squeeze mine and turn my head and look into Ma’s eyes.

  Sad.

  Tired.

  Her eyes tell me so much of what she’s feeling. I squeeze her hand back and she smiles.

  As I suspected, the parking lot of the small funeral home is so full that some cars are parked along the street in front and on the side of it. Once the limo stops, we all start piling out. I take Danie’s hand and we start walking to the front doors that are opened by two men. I feel strange in a suit and keeping pulling on the tie, remembering the last time I was dressed up. When we get inside a man asks us to follow him and we go down a small hallway and turn into a small room. There before us, down a small aisle is Pop, laying in a coffin, half of the top lifted. From here he looks as if he’s just asleep, serene.

  Last night, I’d listened to Ma explain to Danie what would happen today. How we’d get to see Pop one last time and that he’d look like he was just sleeping but he couldn’t talk and he wouldn’t wake up. She’d told Danie it was okay to cry, to show how sad we are that he’s gone but afterwards we should rejoice he’s in heaven and it’s okay to share our memories of him, what’s in our hearts.

  Right now, in this small room, it’s just family but in a little bit they’d take him into the church and we’d meet them in there and sit in the first couple of rows. I’m holding onto Danie’s small hand, hers a death grip in mine. She’d asked me this morning if she could bring the doll Pop had given her and I told her he’d love that so she’s holding it tightly in her arm, leaning into me. I watch as everyone walks up to the coffin, crying is heard softly in the small area. They all take turns in front of him but I stay in the back with Danie. I see Brock standing there, Taren’s arm around his shaking shoulders as he cries quietly. They turn and he buries his face into her neck as they walk down the small aisle and I pat his back as they walk past me. I know I need to take Danie up there, let her tell him a final goodbye, but for some reason, I can’t move. Suddenly, I feel confined, closed in, suffocating. I feel sweat beading on my forehead as I focus in on Ma standing before me.

  “Is it okay if I take Danie to say goodbye?” she asks.

  I look down at Danie. Her little face raised up to mine, and she nods. I nod back and smile, at least I think I smiled. I give Ma her hand and watch them walk to the coffin, everyone else had left the room. I hear Ma crying then bending down and whispering something to Danie. Ma reaches out and lays her hand on Pops arm, and suddenly, I can’t breathe. They stand there for a few minutes, then Ma turns and Danie follows. Ma wipes her eyes with a tissue and I look down to see those same sad tears falling down Danie’s sweet face. As they reach me, I squat down and Danie throws herself into my arms. She cries into my suit jacket and I just hold her. When she quiets down Ma bends down and whispers that she’ll take her into the church and will give me some time alone.

  I look around, finding myself alone. The doors close behind me and the room feels even smaller. I try to take a deep breath but can only manage a shallow one, then walk down the small aisle. As I get closer and closer, he starts to look a bit different. I guess from a distance he looks a little more like himself then up close. I stop in front of the coffin and look down. I’ve never seen a dead person before. He looks strange yet he looks like him a bit too. It’s weird. I look around, not knowing what to do with myself but finally clear my throat, feeling self-conscious and look down at him.

  “Uh. I, uh. I can’t believe you’re gone, Pop.” I clear my throat again. “I’ll remember everything you’ve taught me and I’ll keep making you proud of me. I’ll never forget you and will talk about you a lot to Danie. Fuck, I’m glad you got to spend some time with her before….” I look around, making sure no one heard me cussing then looked back at him. “Anyway, I’ll take care of Ma and the rest of the family. I’m the oldest and will do what I can even though you’ve taught us that we all should always support each other. We’ll do that, but I guess you know we will.” I raise my hand, starting to set it on his arm but hesitate. “Well, uh. Thank you for always being there for me.” I put my hand in my pants pocket, not able to touch him. “Thank you for loving me and teaching me everything. I’ll make sure your business thrives, Pop, and the bar. Brock and I’ll make sure.” I look around again, feeling a little weird. “Well, I guess I should go. I’ll see you later.” I pull my hand from my pocket and raise it over his arm again but turn quickly and walk down the aisle and from the room. I couldn’t touch him. I must be the odd person in the family.

  Everyone is waiting outside the room. Danie runs over and grabs my hand, raising her precious face up and smiling, her tears gone. A man tells us to follow him and we walk down the small hallway back to the front and turn into a larger room. It’s packed. The pews full of people, and the overflow standing against the walls on either side and in the back. Swells my heart to see how many people love Pop. We walk down the small area in between the pews and file into the first two rows. Ma, Danie, me, Brock, Taren with Jenae, sit in the first row while Irish, Caylan, Betty, and Mimi sit behind us. Danie crawls up onto my lap, her doll sitting on hers with her arm clamped around it.

  As the minister steps behind the podium, a few feet away from the closed coffin, I take a moment to look around the room, looking for her. There’s so many people that I can’t find her. My heart fills with dread. Maybe she decided not to come. I hope not. The minister speaks, verses from the bible, and then he talks about Pop, fondly. Ma and Pop had known him most of their lives, always coming to this church on Sunday early morning before family time started. I came here as a boy but as I grew up, I stopped coming. Usually too tired from the night before. Regret fills me, remorse. It’s a nice service. A lady they know from here gets up and sings a couple of songs and then we watch as the service ends and everyone is told they can come up and pay their last respects. There isn’t a dry eye in the place except for mine. Danie had fallen asleep in my arms earlier, since it’s past her naptime, and her crying probably made her eyes even more tired.

  It took a long time until everyone had a turn, people passing by us on their way out, giving words of their sorrow and how much they loved him. Several stopped and hugged Ma, others patted Danie’s head as they went by and patted my shoulder. It felt like it took forever, my eyes scanning each person but no Bria. My heart deflates as the last person walks by. We all stand and follow each other out a side door, the limo sitting there waiting to take us to the cemetery not far from here. I readjust Danie in my arms and then set her in her car seat, strapping her in. During the ride over my heart ceases a bit more. I really thought I’d see Bria at the service.

  She’s given up on you.

  You hurt her too badly.

  It’s over before it had really begun.

  You have no one to blame but yourself.

  It’s not long before the limo stops. Danie stirs in her seat, her hair matted against the side of her face. I unharness her and lift her into my arms then pick up her doll and scoot out of the car. There’s a nice breeze but dark clouds have rolled in. I grasp Ma’s arm and we walk over to the plot where
Pop will be laid to rest. Well, his body. I believe he’s already left here, looking down on us. Watching. We gather around, Ma sitting down in a chair as we all stand around her. My eyes keep scanning all the people who showed but still no sign of Bria. My heart starts to choke me along with my tie. The ministers says more words, the only other sounds around is sniffling and the leaves blowing on the trees around us.

  Suddenly, right as the minister is talking, I feel her. She’s here! My eyes look around the crowd but I don’t see her. I feel her presence as I live and breathe. My eyes catch a glimpse as they roam, going back to a shadow standing against a tree several feet away. Why is she hiding?

  She’s afraid you’ll see her.

  She’s afraid you’ll look away.

  She’s afraid you don’t want her.

  She couldn’t be more wrong.

  My heart takes off and I can breathe again but I know I still have a long way to go to get her back. I’ll beg, plead, and fall at her feet. I’ll do anything. I can’t take my eyes off her, although I can’t see but a shadow of her. When the minister finishes, people start walking in front of me, making me lose sight of her. I appreciate their words of comfort but I wish they’d all move away. As the crowd lessens, I train my eyes back to the tree. I let out a quiet sob, my heart beating erratically, when I see she’s gone. No! I turn and look at Irish.

  “Let me have her,” she says smiling. I hand Danie over to her, kissing her sweet little head. “Go get her, brother.” Fuck, I don’t know what I’d do without her. I take off running towards the tree, pulling at my tie as I go. The suit and pants inhibit me a little but I’m really not thinking much except that I need to catch up to her. The tree sets on a small hill. I’m breathing heavily as I get near the top. I stop, looking around, bending down with my hands on my knees. I look everywhere and stop when I see her just as she’s getting into her car at the bottom of the hill. No way can I get to her before she leaves. My heart sinks as I stand and watch her drive off. Shaking my head I whisper, “No!” I’m sure she’s going home so I turn and run back down the hill. As I get closer, I notice no one is there, thinking I need to stop and say a final goodbye to Pop but wanting to go after Bria. “Go get her, son.” A shiver runs through me and I smile so I veer to the right and keep running. I let out a sigh of relief when I see the limo hasn’t left. I hurry and climb inside, out of breath, anxiousness enveloping me. Irish gives me a sad look but I give her a wink.

  Time for plan “B”.

  We get back to Ma’s and I help her out of the limo, Danie in my arms. Ma looks up at me holding out her arms for Danie. I start to give Danie to her when she smiles. “Go get her, son.” Another shiver flows through me, a shadow of a voice I’d just heard on a breeze. She winks and I lean in and kiss her forehead then kiss Danie’s cheek. I take off for my truck, pulling my keys out of my pocket on the way. As I’m driving back to my place, the sky opens and rain pours heavily. I turn on my wipers and close my window. It feels like everything is against me but I’ll be damned if I let anything stop me. By the time I get to my apartment, change my clothes and pack a small cooler, I run back out to my truck getting drenched immediately. Fuck, I hope this doesn’t ruin my plan. As the rains here always do, it stopped by the time I reach the parking lot at the beach. I grab the cooler and jump outta my truck, jogging to the sand and turn left. The sand is a little harder since it rained, making it easier for me to run. I hope I find she’s at her little heaven, knowing she likes to go there when she wants to think or is upset. Today was rough for her, I’m sure, so I’m hoping beyond hope that she’ll be there.

  My luck changes. As I get closer to her slice of beach, I see her sitting on her special blanket, her legs crossed beneath her, and stop in my tracks. She’d changed to a pair of thin sweatpants, a sweatshirt torn at the hem. One side of the top is hanging off her beautiful shoulder. Sexy. Her gorgeous long curls are hanging around her, shrouding her face from me. I quietly walk towards her, my emotions strangling me. As if she feels me, she looks up, her lips part, and her eyes widen.

  Is she glad to see me?

  Will she get up and run?

  I wouldn’t blame her if she did.

  I take the chance, the only one I figure I have, and close the distance. “Mind if I join you?” I ask, trying to stay strong.

  Please say yes.

  She doesn’t speak, just stares at me. Maybe she can’t believe I’m here. Maybe she’s thinking I should go away. But I won’t. There’s nothing she can say that will make me leave. Nothing. Silently, she moves over a bit, telling me in her way that I can sit down. My heart feels like it’s gonna beat out of my chest as I sit. I place the small cooler beside me and her eyes move down to it.

  Not yet, Kitten. Soon.

  I bring up my legs and wrap my arms around them, both of us sitting side by side, staring out into the ocean. “Thank you for coming today. Means a lot,” I say, my voice rough. I chance a look at her and see her nod but she doesn’t turn her head. I can see her swallow hard and feel worse for hurting her so badly.

  “It was a lovely service,” she whispers, her voice hoarse, cracking.

  I smile, still looking forward. A little progress. I’ll take it. I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing and everything. “So someone told me that when you find a woman who touches your heart, makes you think only about her, and you’re not able to breathe without her then everything changes.” My eyes shift to her and I see a catch in her breath and her body stiffens. I look back out at the water. “Well, he was right. Thing is I did change. I changed for the better. We were so happy, so in love. Still are. Well, I am.” I look back over, not turning my head, and she hasn’t moved. I’m not sure if she’s taken a breath. I look back in front of me. “Then, something horrible happened. Something that changed me again. Something I thought I’d never get over.” I swallow hard. “I lost my dad.” I don’t look at her. I just continue pouring out my heart. “I kinda went crazy you might say. My thinking all jumbled, my heart broken. So, I did something stupid. Stupidest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I pushed away the one person who I can’t live without. The one who makes me breathe, the one who is my air.” I don’t stop and feel wetness building in my eyes but I push on. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I hurt so badly. I ended up drinking a lot, trying to numb out my feelings but it didn’t help. Finally, I went to see Danie’s therapist, needing some advice and trying to get a grasp on things. I’d already known I’d made the biggest mistake of my life, hurting the one person I wanted forever killed me in a way I thought I’d never recover.” I let out a sniff and wipe away a tear that had made its way down my cheek. “Come to find out, I thought I was protecting her, protecting me. Thought by pushing her away, she’d never know loss like I did if she lost me or I her. Stupid. So stupid.” I let out a shaky breath, the tears I never thought would come cascade down my face.

  “What happened to her,” she whispers, her voice shaking.

  I turn my head, taking her in. She’s looking at me and I watch her own tears flow down her beautiful face. “I don’t know yet.” I try to smile but not sure if I really managed it or not.

  She takes a deep breath. “Seems a girl like that would be lucky to have you.” Fuck! I love her so much! “Maybe if you explain to her why you pushed her away, she’d know even more how much you love her.” She sniffs and begins to tremble. What in the hell did I ever do to deserve this wonderful woman? How can she look at me like she is with such love in her eyes after I’ve treated her so horribly? God, she’s a saint.

  I turn, crossing my legs like hers, and pull the cooler closer. I lift up the lid and pull out a locket, holding it up in front of her by the chain. “You see, I’m not sure she’ll forgive me, just yet. I hurt her so badly. I’m not sure she’ll take me back. But I’m hoping against hope that she will. You see, I love her so much it hurts to breathe without her. I can’t function. I can’t live, and I have so much to live for.” Now I smile genuinely, feeling some hope. “
I’d bought this for her before everything had happened, before our lives changed so abruptly.” I open the heart shaped locket. The front has an engraved heart with the words “Our Family” on it. Inside, on one side is a picture of Danie, the other side empty. “Danie, my daughter, wanted my girl to have a picture of her but I left the other side empty to someday add a picture of a baby we’d have together. Part her – part me. You see, Danie has fallen in love with her as I have.” She gasps and covers her mouth, her hands shaking against it. “What I need to know, to make our lives complete, is if she’ll take me back. I’d do anything. Plead, beg, fall at her feet.” She lets out a small laugh behind her hands. I get up on my knees and sit back on my legs. “Do you think I have a chance to get her back?” My heart can’t take much more but I won’t give up. I refuse. Suddenly, she gets up on her knees in one quick movement and throws her arms around my neck, her mouth claiming mine. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her in as close as I possibly can. I feel her tears intermingle with mine. My tongue finds its way to paradise, playing with hers, and then I suck on her tongue, filling my mouth with her wetness.

  She took me back!

  She still loves me!

  This place is truly heaven!

  We kiss for a long time, not able to get enough of each other. Finally, she pulls back, needing air as much as I do. But she is my air and with her in my arms, I can finally breathe again. “Fuck, I missed you!” I kiss her again and she laughs into my mouth. I pull back, my tears making her hazy.

  “I’m going to tell Danie you need to put money in the bad word jar.” She laughs and sniffs.

  We both let out a laugh. I sit down and spread my legs, pulling her until she’s sitting between them, squeezing my thighs against hers. I wrap my arms around her and we look out as the sun begins to set over the horizon. Beautiful. Not as beautiful as her though. I reach into the cooler and hold out a beer in front of her. She turns her head and shakes it then turns fully around, concern covering her tear streaked face.