Everything Is Figureoutable

by Marie Forleo

  They had seen the worst of humanity and they worked tirelessly, deploying any strategy or tactic they could imagine, including a sex strike, which helped garner much-needed international press and support. Day after day, week after week, the women gathered at the field and sat in protest. Leymah writes of their time in the Monrovia field (bolding is mine):

  Dawn to dusk in the heat. It’s one thing to go about your business on a very hot day and another to sit, unmoving, while the sun bakes you. It was a kind of torture. I turned as black as I’ve ever been, and many of the women broke out in terrible rashes. But there was something compelling in the pain, too: your body was being beaten, but you were doing it for a reason, . . . From dawn to dusk in the rain. Liberia is one of the wettest countries on earth and the water comes down on you with the strength of a fireman’s hose. We sat wretched as the flood sank into the field’s sandy dirt. . . .

  Every day we were on that field. Every day. We refused to go away. Refused to let our suffering remain invisible. If people didn’t take us seriously at first, it was our persistence that wore them down.

  Eventually, Leymah and her peace protesters were granted a meeting with Liberia’s president, Charles Taylor. While at first the meeting felt like a sign of progress, nothing changed. The violence got worse. One day, after yet another round of bombing and savage murders, something in Leymah broke. She felt a rage rise within her unlike anything she’d ever felt. Channeling that explosive energy into action, she organized hundreds more Christian and Muslim women to travel to Ghana. They surrounded the hotel where the latest round of peace negotiations had stalled. Waiting until lunchtime, nearly two hundred women stormed into the building and formed a human barricade, preventing the men from leaving until they reached a peace agreement.

  Security tried to arrest Leymah, but she had another trick up her sleeve. She threatened to take off her clothes. According to traditional beliefs, this gesture would have brought a curse upon the men. And it worked. Within weeks, the Liberian war ended. President Taylor went into exile, and Leymah’s courage paved the way for Africa’s first female head of state, Ellen Johnson Sirleaf. In 2011, Leymah was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for her help ending the civil war in Liberia.

  Among countless lessons of unfathomable strength, tenacity, bravery, commitment, resilience, creativity, and determination, Leymah’s story illustrates the otherworldly power that comes from a willingness to do whatever it takes. To figure it out no matter what. To refuse to be refused. We see the miracles that can unfold when one person is willing to risk it all and stop at nothing. These heroic women ended a war.

  In case you skimmed past that last sentence, let me repeat it: These heroic women ended a war. They did this with no artillery. No “official” political power. No violence. If that doesn’t prove that everything really is figureoutable, I don’t know what does. Leymah said, “I believe, I know, that if you have unshakable faith in yourself, in your sisters and in the possibility of change, you can do almost anything.”

  DECLINING DEFEAT

  If you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.

  Erica Jong

  We have a practice in our company called doing a stress log. It’s a simple exercise of making a written list of recurring stressors. The goal then is to work through that list and design systems and solutions to eliminate or transform the sources of stress, as best we can. (We have a MarieTV episode about this—search Marie Forleo + stress log online.) At one point, our management team did a collective stress log and realized that a significant stress point in our business was booking locations to shoot MarieTV. Every time we wanted to film more episodes, we’d have to find and rent a studio, build our sets, then break everything down and store our production equipment until the next shoot. As a virtual company, it was becoming a sizable drain on our time and resources. We decided that getting our own studio would not only alleviate that stress but create expanded opportunities to make better work.

  Since I already lived in New York City, I was aware of how difficult and expensive this solution was likely to be. I had no previous experience renting commercial real estate, nor did I know anyone who did. But it’s all figureoutable, so we dove in. We found a commercial real estate agent and started looking at spaces. My concerns were quickly confirmed: There weren’t many options within our budget. The spaces I did see were dingy and overpriced. I stayed on the hunt, visiting dozens of unworkable spaces week after week. We were beginning to lose hope.

  Then one day, I got an email about a new space. The pictures looked good—real good—and it was walking distance from my apartment. Best of all, it was around the corner from my favorite karaoke joint. When I arrived at the building with my broker, something in my body screamed, Yesssss!! This is it—this is where you’re supposed to be. The building’s super, an affable guy named Patrick, gave us a tour. I could picture our team shooting in this space and was feeling more and more excited by the minute. Amid my enthusiasm, Patrick warned me that several other companies were also interested in leasing this space.

  As soon as we left, I told my broker to put in a strong offer. I could feel it in my bones that this was our spot. That was a Friday morning. Days and days went by. Nothing. Now, understand, the Manhattan commercial real estate market moves fast. Hearing nothing for several days was not a positive sign. In the middle of the following week, I finally got word from my agent. The owner rejected my offer and chose a tech company instead and they were already negotiating their contract. It was a done deal. I lost. I needed to move on.

  But I couldn’t. Something inside of me couldn’t let it go. I got curious. I asked my broker why I was rejected. Why did I lose out to the tech startup? What about our offer could have been improved? Sheepishly, he confessed that my offer was fine, but the building owner didn’t fully understand what my company did. Apparently, he also didn’t believe I had a “stable” business (mind you, I didn’t yet disclose my financials, which were solid as a rock). I was told that the tech dudes gave him more “confidence.” When I heard that, Jersey Marie (my alter ego) said, “Oh hell no. This ain’t how this is going down.” So I decided to write a letter to the owner clearly detailing my company’s thirteen-year history, our mission, who we serve, the results we help people create, and a detailed plan of how we intended to use the space. I poured every ounce of my heart, intelligence, and persuasive energy into that letter. I went back to the building to hand deliver it.

  When I arrived, Patrick was standing outside. He greeted me with a warm but surprised-to-see-you smile.

  “I’m not sure if you remember me, but I came with my broker to see the available office last Friday. I really want the space, but I heard the owner is already negotiating with a tech startup. I wrote this letter and need to get it to him before they close the deal. Can you help me?”

  “Uhh. He’s not here right now.” Clearly, I caught Patrick off guard and my directness was making him a little uncomfortable.

  “Please, Patrick. I know you must have his number. Can you call him real fast? Right now? It won’t take more than two minutes. It’s really important that I get this letter to him as quickly as I can. You’re the only chance I’ve got.”

  He reluctantly took out his phone and called the owner. I stood there as Patrick awkwardly tried to explain that some random woman needed to get him a very important letter, ASAP. Judging by the backpedaling Patrick had to do, it was apparent that the owner was not happy with this out-of-the-blue phone call.

  Nevertheless, Patrick took my letter and agreed to pass it along. I thanked him again for his help and walked away. Four more days go by. Still no response. Now it’s the weekend. I resigned myself to the fact that I lost that battle. Even though I was disappointed, I also felt a sense of satisfaction with my effort. I’d gone the extra mile and done everything I could. I had faith that there must be an even better space out there and resolved to do whatever it took to find it. O
n Monday morning, I woke up to this email from my broker:

  Hi Marie,

  I was just contacted by the owner’s agent. The owner had a chance to read your letter and would like to meet with you. I am not privy to any breakdowns with the current negotiations but this is great news for us as it likely means that there is an opening . . . LET’S CAPITALIZE ON THIS OPPORTUNITY!

  B A M!

  I immediately set up an in-person meeting. Turns out, that tech company wasn’t as “stable” as they first thought. I rolled in with an open heart, enthusiasm, bulletproof financials, and a promise to respect and care for the space. Long story short, we got it.

  That experience proved to be a real turning point for our team. Not only did we solve an exhausting stress point, but our studio has become a place of joy, creation, and transformative work. We’ve used it to film hundreds of MarieTV episodes, podcasts, live streams, webinars, and training programs. It’s allowed us to think bigger and create work in a way that just wasn’t possible before. Patrick has also become one of our most beloved colleagues.

  Even though I know it’s important to be persistent in the face of resistance (heck, I’m teaching you about it right now!), it’s still a habit I work on. To this day, I still have to bat down the voice in my head that says things like, “You can’t do that—that’s too much, Marie.” And, “You’re being too __________.”

  direct

  demanding

  aggressive

  expressive

  pushy

  controlling

  out-there

  loud

  raw

  raunchy

  wacky

  emotional

  etc.

  Thankfully, the wiser part of me (ahem, Jersey Marie) often pipes up and prevails. Her favorite response is, “Pfft! Forget all that shit. Go for what you want.”

  While I believe everyone should question the rules and challenge the status quo, this is especially crucial for women. We’re battling a culture that’s worked to shame, silence, and control us for millennia. Many of us have been conditioned since birth to suppress our desires, curtail our strengths, hide our power, deny our emotions, and be “nice.”

  But you weren’t built to be contained. You’re here to create, to heal, and to make change. Never apologize for that. You can’t make a difference without making waves.

  THANK YOU FOR NOT BELIEVING IN ME

  In every position that I’ve been in, there have been naysayers who don’t believe I’m qualified or who don’t believe I can do the work. And I feel a special responsibility to prove them wrong.

  Sonia Sotomayor

  As an artist, you need the naysayers and the nonbelievers to add fuel to your creative fire.

  Ice-T

  Have you ever had someone say something horrible about your goal, project, or idea? Where their words hit you like a punch in the gut and left you thinking, “How could someone be that mean?” I have. Many times. It continues to happen to this day.

  When you’re blazing new trails and making change—expect a steady stream of criticism, judgment, and even ridicule. It can come from your own mind, your loved ones, friends, mentors, colleagues, total strangers, and rando ass-biscuits on the internet. It’s important to realize that (A) this is normal, (B) you’re more than capable of handling it, and (C) sometimes a put-down can be the best fuel to fire you up.

  Let me tell you about an interesting encounter I had at a big business conference. My flagship program, B-School, was a few months away from launching for the very first time. I was bright-eyed and excited about meeting new people and learning new ideas. My conference badge was hanging around my neck. I held tight to my big plastic binder. I was committed to finding promotional partners and doing everything in my power to get the word out about my new course.

  On the first day of the event, I was in the hotel heading up to the main ballroom on an escalator when this guy—also an attendee at that conference—introduced himself and asked about my business. I was thrilled to share. I told him about my new program and its mission to give creatives and small-business owners the skills they needed to market and sell with integrity online. I said that business education could be enjoyable, heart-centered, and even fun, while still generating massive results.

  He laughed and said, “Really? Is that a real business? You actually make money doing that? C’mon now. This is a hobby, isn’t it? Tell the truth. You’ve got a rich boyfriend or husband who pays your bills.”

  For a few long seconds, I was speechless. Was this dickwad serious? Was I caught in some nightmarish time-machine? Because last I checked, it was 2009 not 1909. My blood boiled. It took restraint to keep from grabbing him by the collar and throwing him off that damn escalator.

  While it stung in the moment, the truth is I’m grateful for that interaction. I thank him for not believing in me or my idea. Why? Because his words fueled me to make B-School an even bigger success. His blatant ignorance reaffirmed how important my mission was to help business owners (especially women) control their financial destinies. I hustled even harder at that conference. I was already committed but, after that exchange, absolutely nothing was going to stop me.

  When people shit on your dreams, become an alchemist who turns negativity into productive gold. Bullshit makes good fertilizer. Fuck-you fuel, if you will. Yes, I’m aware that wanting to prove people wrong isn’t a healthy source of long-term motivation. But in the moment, we work with what we’ve got. Refusing to be refused means taking a stand for yourself and protecting your dreams.

  To be clear, this isn’t about being so sensitive that you don’t seek the critical input needed to learn, grow, and improve. There’s a difference between getting defensive and getting determined. This is about maturity, discernment, and most crucially, considering your source.

  NOT ALL CRITICISM IS CREATED EQUAL

  Haters are confused admirers who can’t understand why everybody else likes you.

  Paulo Coelho

  As long as there is creativity, there will be criticism of it.

  After sharing my work publicly for two decades, I’m intimately familiar with the hate and negativity folks can throw your way. I’ve also received thousands of questions from readers about how to deal with the fear of criticism. Any of this sound familiar?

  I’m so fearful of criticism and judgment that it keeps me from putting my ideas out there. I have trouble separating my work from my sense of self.

  I’m afraid people will discover I’m a fraud and that I don’t really know what I’m doing.

  I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but how do you not let it affect you in a negative and hurtful way?

  Marie, how do YOU deal with criticism—you put yourself out there all the time!

  As the adage goes, “To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” But even that’s not the full picture. Because those who do nothing are also criticized; they’re judged harshly for being lazy good-for-nothings. Realize that criticism and judgment are a natural part of life. Don’t resist that fact, embrace it.

  Fact: You’re already being judged right now.

  It’s true. Strangers judge you. People who barely know you judge you. People who genuinely love you judge you. They judge how you look. They judge what you’re choosing to do or not do with your life. They judge what you eat and don’t eat. People judge the clothes you wear, what music you listen to, your politics, personal beliefs, how you spend your money, how you raise your kids, what car you drive, where you live, who you worship, and who you love.

  If you’re honest, you judge yourself, too. You say some mean stuff to yourself on the regular (you’re too slow, too old, too young, too fat, too insecure, too shy, too __________). You also judge and criticize others, even when you don’t intend to. Human beings are judging machines. Our judgments are often biased
and wildly inaccurate. So what? The trick is to have a sense of humor about it. Don’t personalize it, dwell on it, or indulge in it.

  Fact: Everything you love is despised by someone else.

  I went for years not finishing anything. Because, of course, when you finish something you can be judged.

  Erica Jong

  For every single thing you think is extraordinary in this world—every movie, book, food item, comedian, TV show—guess what? Someone else hates it. Which is why most criticism is not constructive or even worth listening to. It’s just someone’s opinion. You know what they say about those, right? Opinions are like assholes; everyone has one and most of them stink.

  Let’s say you love chocolate, but you have a friend who despises chocolate. Does that mean chocolate sucks? No. It means one person doesn’t like chocolate. Chocolate makers don’t lose sleep over that. They’re not campaigning to convert the haters. They focus all their attention on chocolate lovers.

  Seth Godin pointed out that twelve percent of the more than twenty-one thousand book reviews for Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone gave it one or two stars on Amazon.1 That means at least 2,500 people believe that this global phenomenon sucks dong. Do you think J. K. Rowling cries in her teacup over harsh reviews? Doubtful. She’s too busy inspiring (and making) billions with her art.

  Everyone has a right to their opinion. But opinions are subjective. Just because someone doesn’t like what you do doesn’t mean no one else will. A person’s opinion is not The Truth. It’s their truth. It’s unwise to waste time and emotional energy over the criticism of folks you don’t know, respect, or serve.