God's Gift to Women

by BAISDEN, MICHAEL

  “So, what’s the latest with that crazy broad?” Mitch asked.

  “So far, the police haven’t been able to prove anything. I didn’t catch her in the house. I couldn’t make out her face when she was driving away. Hell, I didn’t even get a license plate number!”

  “Wait a minute! You mean to tell me that she’s gonna get away scot-free with breaking and entering? That is still a crime, isn’t it?”

  “She entered, all right, but she didn’t break anything.”

  “Meaning what?”

  “Meaning there was no sign of forced entry. She either picked the lock, or she had a key. I’m sure both doors were locked.”

  “How is that possible?”

  “Man, I don’t know!” I said in disgust. “Every week I give my keys to valets at restaurants, parking attendants, and God knows what other strangers. For all I know, she could have sweet-talked some horny young kid into giving her the keys long enough to make a copy.”

  Mitch glanced through the kitchen window to where Samantha was helping Betty.

  “Do you think—”

  “I already asked her,” I cut him off. “She hasn’t been approached by any strangers, especially black women with hazel eyes.”

  “Okay, so now what?”

  “I guess I’ll have to wait for her to make another move. But she better think twice before she comes creepin’ around here. I bought a. 38 the other day.”

  “I don’t blame you! If some deranged female snuck into my bathroom while I was buck naked in the shower, I would sleep with a 3-57 under my pillow!”

  “Well, all the locks have been changed, and Samantha knows to keep the alarm on at all times. And of course, I already told Terri what was goin’ on,” I said to him. “By the way, I never did thank you for butting into my business and getting me and Terri back together.”

  “Hey, what are friends for?” Mitch laughed. “Besides, I got tired of looking at your pitiful face around the studio every day. You deserve to be happy, and it’s gonna take a woman like Terri to put up with your arrogant ass.”

  “I would tell you to go to hell, but you’re right!”

  We laughed and slapped each other five. Mitch knew me all too well. He was a true friend and he was always on time. That’s what I was thinking as I looked down at my watch and realized Eddie still hadn’t made it in from the airport.

  “Where is that fool?” I said to Mitch. “Who?”

  “Eddie!”

  “Well, if he’s driving a car with a white top, he just pulled up.” Mitch was looking over the top of the gate.

  But it wasn’t him, it was Terri. Samantha must have thought it was Eddie, too, because she ran toward the door.

  “Samantha, slow down before you break your neck!” I yelled through the window. “It’s not your uncle Eddie, it’s Terri.” She stopped dead in her tracks. “Now remember what we talked about.”

  “Oh, I remember, all right,” she said, while rubbing her behind.

  The long talk I had with Samantha didn’t work out, so I had to resort to Plan B, the good old-fashioned ass whippin’. It was the first time I had spanked Samantha since she was seven and it was long overdue.

  I intentionally waited for Terri to knock on the door so Samantha would have to greet her. She took a deep breath, then opened the door wearing a phony smile.

  “Hi, Miss Doctor Ross, come on in.”

  “Hello to you, Samantha. You don’t have to be so formal. Just call me Terri. Now where can I put these bags down?”

  Samantha led her into the kitchen and helped her put the bags down on the counter. Then Terri politely introduced herself.

  “Hi, I’m Terri.”

  “Hi, Terri, I’m Betty, Mitch’s wife. Nice to meet you.” They exchanged hugs. “Julian says we have a lot in common.”

  “Oh, really!”

  Just as I was headed out to the backyard, another car backed into the driveway. The windows were heavily tinted. I walked around to the driver’s side expecting to see Eddie behind the wheel. When the door opened, I couldn’t believe who stepped out.

  “Janet, what are you doin’ here?”

  “Eddie asked me to meet him here at five.” She checked her watch. “Am I too early?”

  Before I could tell her about Eddie’s engagement, a blue Ford Taurus drove up to the front of the house. Denise came bolting out of the passenger side and rushed across the lawn toward me.

  “We’re here, we’re here!” She jumped into my arms. “Pop the champagne, roll out the red carpet, roll up a blunt!”

  “I missed you, too,” I said while gasping for air. “Now, can you please loosen your grip? You’re choking me.”

  “Sorry, I guess I got a little carried away. It’s just so good to see you again, Julian!”

  “Okay, step back so I can check you out, make sure you haven’t blown up since I last saw you.”

  Denise was wearing fitted black jeans and high heels. She walked up and down the driveway doing her runway model imitation.

  “Notice anything different?” she asked.

  “Well, your butt’s gotten a little wider.”

  “No, silly, I’m talking about this!”

  She lifted her hand and flashed an impressive diamond ring.

  “Congratulations, Li’l Sis. I’m really happy for you.” While I was hugging Denise I looked over her shoulder at Eddie and gave him a disappointed glare. Eddie ignored me and began taking the luggage out of the trunk.

  “Why don’t you go inside and let Sam show you around the house?” I told her. “Mitch and Betty are inside, and so is Terri.”

  “Finally! I get a chance to meet Doctor Love,” Denise laughed. “And she better be cute, too. You know we can’t have any ugly women in the family.”

  As Denise began walking toward the house she noticed Janet standing in the driveway. “Julian, aren’t you going to introduce us?”

  “Oh, yeah, my fault. Denise, this is Janet, Terri’s friend. Janet, this is Denise—Eddie’s fiancée!”

  “Pleased to meet you, Denise. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  It was obvious by Janet’s casual reaction that she knew who Denise was. That only made me even more upset as I walked over to confront Eddie.

  “Man, you must be outta your damn mind inviting Janet here!”

  “Hold on, partner, I’ve got it all under control.”

  “Don’t try to play me, Eddie! I’m not one of your dizzy broads! What you’re doing to Denise is flat-out wrong! You’re disrespecting her, me, and my house!”

  “So what you gonna do, Julian? Make a big scene and ruin Denise’s engagement party?”

  I despised him for using Denise to get his way. It took everything I had to keep from whipping his ass. Eddie continued to pull luggage out of the trunk. He was whistling and smiling like he didn’t have a care in the world.

  “I guess this conversation is over,” Eddie said. “Now, let’s go have a drink and enjoy the rest of the evening—like one big, happy family.” He handed me a suitcase and began walking toward the house. “Like I said, I’ve got it all under control.”

  “Yeah, right,” I said. “That’s exactly what I said a week ago before all hell broke loose.”

  Chapter 33

  BY FIVE O’CLOCK the party was in full swing. Mitch was blending daiquiris and Julian was playing his old-school CDs. Juanita and her boyfriend, Charles, who had arrived earlier, were dancing to the song “Oops Upside Your Head” by the Gap Band. Terri dragged Julian into the middle of the living room and started a Soul Train line. Mitch and Betty joined in, then Eddie and Denise got into the act.

  “The roof—the roof—the roof is on fire!” Juanita yelled as she strutted down through the line.

  “We don’t need no water let the mothersucker burn—burn mothersucker—burn!” they all sang.

  “What’s wrong with the roof, Daddy?” Samantha asked.

  “Nothin’, sweetheart, that’s just something old folks shout when they think they
’re getting down.”

  When the James Brown song “Payback” came on, Julian cleared the floor so he could give Terri lessons on how to do the Chicago step. Everyone gathered around to watch and make fun.

  “Okay, give me your hands, and try to follow,” Julian directed.

  “I told you, I can’t do this.”

  “Come on, baby, just close your eyes and pretend like we’re at the Fifty-Yard Line on the south side of Chicago.”

  Terri went the wrong way and stepped on Julian’s foot. When he tried to spin her around, she smacked him in the face. Everybody covered their mouth to keep from laughing, except Mitch.

  “I think you better stop before you get a knot upside your head,” Mitch laughed. “These country girls can cook, but they can’t step worth shit.”

  “Who you callin’ country?” Terri had her hands on her hips. “I’m callin’ you country, Ms. Green Acres!”

  “I beg your pardon. I’ve been to Chicago many times and those black folks are country with a capital K, with their lime green suits, white shoes in December, and those ghetto-fabulous hairstyles. Hell, half the south side is from Mississippi!”

  They all broke out laughing. Even Mitch had to give her a high five for that comeback.

  After they wiped the tears from their eyes, Terri suddenly excused herself to go to the bathroom.

  “You all right, baby?” Julian asked. “You don’t look so good.”

  “I’ll be fine. I think it’s something I ate.” Terri rushed to the bathroom holding her stomach. “Samantha, honey, could you please bring me my purse?”

  “Okay, Terri.”

  “Maybe it’s that time of the month,” Eddie said. “Man, shut up and come take this ass whippin’ on the card table. Who wants to play bid whist?”

  “I’m in!” Denise yelled.

  “Me, too,” Janet said.

  Julian got a brand-new deck out of the kitchen drawer and marked the jokers—one with a large B and the other with an L, for little.

  “Okay, rookies, who wants to play with the master?” Julian boasted.

  Janet sat opposite him at the dining room table.

  “Wise choice, Ms. Jackson,” Julian said to her. “Now, let me tell you my house rules. Don’t ever cut me out when I’m running a Boston. Don’t lead without purpose. And rule number three, no swearing at the table unless you hear me swear first. Got that, damnit?” Julian laughed.

  “Okay, I can see right now I’m gonna need a drink before I start playing with you, ’cause you’re already getting on my nerves.”

  “That’s a good idea,” Mitch said as he reached under the counter. He pulled out a bottle of tequila, the brand with the worm inside it.

  “What the hell is that?”

  “This is the good stuff from Juarez, Mexico. Don’t be scurred.”

  Betty sliced three lemons and set them on the table with the salt shaker. Mitch was already busy filling their glasses with shots.

  “What about Terri?”

  Denise asked. “I don’t think she can handle this poison,” Julian said. “We’ll celebrate later with a glass of two-percent milk.”

  “I want to propose a toast,” Mitch said while raising his glass. “To the future Mr. and Mrs. Eddie Harris. May you be blessed with many years of peace, prosperity, and frequent sex!”

  “Hear, hear!” they said in unison, then gulped down the first shot. Mitch quickly gave them a refill and raised his glass again.

  “And last, I’d like to propose a toast to our host and my partner, Mr. Julian Payne, for having the courage to pursue his dreams. As of December first, Love, Lust, and Lies will be on the air, coast to coast!”

  “Hear, hear!” They all raised their glasses, then gulped down another shot.

  While everyone was playing cards and getting drunk, Terri came out of the bathroom and joined Samantha at the piano. She sat down next to her on the bench.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, Sam. Thank you for bringing my purse.”

  “No problem.”

  “So, can you play this thing, or is it just for show?”

  Samantha felt awkward being with Terri one on one, but she wasn’t about to pass up an opportunity to show off to her.

  “What song do you want to hear?”

  “Why don’t you create your own groove? You know, be original like Jill Scott and India. Arie.”

  Samantha was surprised by how down-to-earth Terri was.

  “Aren’t you supposed to be a doctor?”

  “Yeah—and?”

  “Well, I didn’t think doctors were so cool.”

  “Girl, please—I can bust a move and get my swerve on with the best of ’em, so don’t get it twisted!”

  “You’re funny!” Samantha giggled. “I thought you would be stuffy and, well, kinda boring.”

  “I’m still young, chile. Now, your daddy on the other hand, he’s old as dirt.”

  “I know!” Sam agreed. “When I told him I was watching Big Tigger on BET, he thought I was talking about the character from Winnie-the-Pooh.”

  They both laughed.

  While Terri and Samantha were talking, the card game in the dining room was beginning to heat up. “You’re set!” Julian yelled as he slammed the big joker on the table. It was just a card game, but Julian saw it as revenge against Eddie for disrespecting Denise. Up until that point Eddie had managed to keep his secret on the down low, but as the shots of tequila began to take effect he and Janet became more relaxed and careless.

  While Denise was dealing cards, Janet picked up the Corona Eddie was drinking and took a sip. At first no one paid attention except Julian. But when it happened a second time, Denise caught it. Her happy expression changed as she and Julian made eye contact. Julian gave her a look of reassurance, letting her know he had her back. Denise tried to compose herself and continued to deal out the rest of the cards. Eddie was so busy flirting with Janet, he didn’t notice the change in Denise’s attitude.

  “It’s your bid, Janet,” Denise said.

  “Five no trump.”

  “What about you, sweetheart?” Denise glared at Eddie.

  “I pass!”

  “I pass, too,” Julian said. “It’s on you, Li’l Sis.”

  “I’ll take six, down-town!”

  A few minutes into the hand, Janet reached for Eddie’s beer again. But before she could take a sip, Denise snatched the bottle out of her hand and poured it over her head.

  “Maybe that’ll cool you off, bitch!”

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” Janet yelled.

  Terri and Samantha came rushing in from the living room.

  “What’s goin’ on?” Terri asked.

  “Your girlfriend is fuckin’ my fiancé!”

  “I don’t know what she’s talkin’ about.”

  “Don’t play the innocent role, you tramp!” Denise shouted.

  “You must be real comfortable with each other sippin’ out of the same bottle.”

  Eddie just sat there with a silly smirk on his face, looking down at his cards.

  “I guess your whores in Chicago weren’t enough, huh, Fast Eddie?” Tears began to roll down her face. “I can’t believe you had the audacity to bring one of your women around me, especially today of all days.”

  “Look, baby, you know what kind of man I am,” Eddie slurred. “Now, why don’t you sit down and finish the card game. Later on maybe we can all get together and have a good time.”

  “That’s it? That’s all you have to say to me after three long years of supporting your business and washing your dirty drawers?”

  “Look, goddamnit!” Eddie stood up and got in her face. “I never promised you a damned thing! You knew I had other women, you knew I didn’t want kids, and you knew I never wanted to be married! Now, you can either sit your emotional ass down and play cards or get the hell out!” Then he sat down.

  “Now I see what this is all about. You set this whole thing up to get out of our eng
agement. Well, baby, mission accomplished!” Denise threw her ring in Eddie’s face. “When we get back home, I want all of your shit out of my house. Now, if you will excuse me.” Denise began walking toward the stairs.

  “Thanks for the memories, Li’l Sis,” Eddie said sarcastically.

  Denise stopped dead in her tracks.

  “No, sweetheart, thank you for the lesson. Sometimes it takes someone like you to make a woman realize she’s wasting the most valuable thing she’s got—her time.” Then she walked upstairs.

  There was a tense silence. Juanita and Charles excused themselves and left through the back door. Janet was so embarrassed she rushed out right behind them. “I’m sorry, Terri,” she said on her way out.

  “Terri, take Samantha upstairs,” Julian said in a serious tone. “Betty, you need to go with them.”

  “Can a brotha get a drink around this joint?” Eddie slurred. Mitch walked over to the table and sat down next to Eddie. Julian, who was already sitting on Eddie’s left side, moved his chair in closer to him.

  “Can you believe that woman?” Eddie continued. “I guess she’s gonna have to catch a cab and find a place to stay tonight, huh, Julian?”

  “I don’t think so, partner, you’re the one who’s leaving.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You heard what the man said!” Mitch’s tone was hostile. “Get to steppin’.”

  “Oh, so it’s like that?” Eddie drank the last sip of his tequila and stood up from the table. “Fuck both of you—especially you, Julian.” He staggered toward the door. “You ain’t nothing but a hypocrite. I know you fucked Olivia in Chicago, and you probably hit it again after the party at the hotel. You ain’t no better than me!”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, Eddie. There’s a big difference between you and me. I appreciate a good woman and I’m not afraid of commitment. You, on the other hand, can’t separate your dick from your manhood, and it’s gonna get you in serious trouble one of these days.”

  “Save your sermon for the radio,” Eddie said as he picked up his garment bag. “I told you, I live life on my terms and I’m willing to pay the price for my sins. What about you?” Then he walked out the door.

  Julian walked over to the window and watched as Eddie drove off. He covered his face with his hands and exhaled. He knew it was the end of their friendship.