Waiting Period

by Hubert Selby

  Oh

  god, never thought I/d he so grateful to be in a hick town motel. Let me get under that shower …

  Oh, feels good to air dry. Still day light and I feel like Ive been wrung through a dozen wringers. Clyde and Les. Really got me off balance. But I did it. I/ll be more in control from now on. Never expected that sort of confrontation. Almost paralyzed me. But I recovered … and got the job done … Bet if you saw Hitler with his dog you/d think what a nice man he is, really loves his dog. Mass murderers dont walk around with a sign hanging from their necks. Thats why Hester had to wear an A. This whole idea of excusing women for heinous crimes simply because theyre women is insane. Have to see if the culture works. Wonder how I/ll know? No problem with Barnard. Even if I can get to all of them how will I know? Maybe something on the web page. If anyone finds out it will be there. Yeah. More important things to think about now. First things first. Clyde surprised me more than Les. Figured he/d be some kind of bonus. Standing right there. Big grin. Nice smile. Looked normal. Cant judge by appearances. See what happens tonight. Thats okay if they recognize me. Fireworks good time. Say Big Jim loves them. We/ll see, we/ll see. Two down. Give it all a rest.

  Really a festive feeling. Guess its always that way at night. Always a feeling of work during the day, even at a Fair, but night is for playing. Fireworks sure help, especially the kids, all hyped up. Yeah, not just kids, everybody loves them, but it sure is a bigger deal for the kids. Sure did love them. One of the best things about summer. Every Tuesday night … July & August it seems like. Seems like I sat on Pops shoulders when I was little … hmmm, interesting, wonder if thats a fantasy or a reality? Crazy what you remember and what you wonder. Also cooler at night. That helps. Hint of a breeze too. Wish I didnt have this beard, so nice to lean into a breeze and feel it on your face. Hopefully off soon. Wonder if I/ll run into them? Possible they wont recognize me. Dont think they really got a good look at me. Food smells better at night too. Maybe the air is heavier and the aroma doesnt dissipate. I guess everything enjoyable is better at night, even work. And I have a job to do. Ancient memories when you could hide in the shadows. Still some, but it would take a while to find them. Floodlights everywhere. Lots of kids tugging on womens arms. Wonder if mothers have an arm longer than the other by the time their kids grow up? Could be. Dont imagine anyone has given that any thought. May just as well go with the flow. They seem to know what theyre doing. Big Jim must be here somewhere. An awful lot of people. Slowly stroll … just keep concentrating. Everybody has a drink container. Wonder if its like that at all Fairs? Okay, time to stop idle speculation. Should be easy to spot. He fits his name. Ohh, they have a little grandstand. Nice for the kids. But he seems like a standing man. Good ol boy. Gladly give his seat to a youngun. Thought I/d see him by now, dont—Clyde, did he see me? Seems like he looked right at me. Better just sort of amble over this way, around the chili stand and behind the pole … just in case. Have to keep him in sight—good hes not looking this way. Probably going to hook up with Jimbo. Dont see Les, or anyone else. Wonder how shes feeling? Wonder how hes feeling? Seems to be okay. A little queasy in the stomach? Would he feel it this soon? Hmmm, not sure. Different strokes for different folks. Still no Les. Important? Wheres everyone else? Of course, probably with their families. Everyone will gravitate here. No TV cam—is that him? Sure is big … and Clydes talking with him—are they looking at me? No, no! for gods sake, dont walk away. Just keep strolling. Keep them in sight. No, theyre just looking around … probably for someone … just keep strolling … moving into the crowd … if he was 6 inches shorter I might lose him … seem to have a particular destination in mind … yeah, on the side … just as I thought, out of the way of the younguns … oh yes, youre all heart Big Jim … what … theres a couple of others … yeah, yeah, Im sure, name, name, name … no Les, but four untainted souls—whoa … have to slow down … hearts pounding, jesus krist, breathe slowly, in and out, in and out … cant screw up now … in and out, in and out … know exactly what to do … quick dump in their cokcola … just drift in that direction … okay if Clyde recognizes me … nothing happened … cant get self-conscious … wait until the fireworks start … just keep looking at the sky … keep looking up … remember, innocent, innocent … just watching the fireworks … let the crowd push a bit … yeah Wow, that was some burst, fish wiggling all over the sky and its emptied in Jimbos cup, now just dont spill it, please god, dont let him spill ju—thats it drink it down, down, yeah drink it all up like a big boy an yo—easy, easy, stay aware, three more to go, is Clyde looking at me funny? Just keep—thats it Jimbo, drink it down—Oh that is a beauty, whoa, just keeps popping … o krist, almost spilled it on his hand, got to be careful, stay aware, aware, for gods sake dont get caught up in the damn fireworks, keep your head back but watch the cups, the cups, its in their cups, theyre in their cups for krist sake dont get hysterical, in and out, in and out, nice and slow, in and out … move about … another done … jesus, cant stop sweating, feel like my hands are dripping oh god, the sweat is getting in my eyes, can barely see, suppose I got some of the culture on my hands dont want to rub it into my eyes, please god help me get this last one … just this last one god I feel like Im holding a greased pig, the goddamn sweats burning the shit out of my eyes, what the hells going on, oh, for the love of krist stop shaking, in and out, in and out, slowly, slowly, in and out … okay, next burst … oh shit, sweating so bad I cant tell if I spilled it on my hands … no, no, its in the cup … yeah … got to move, now! Move! Drift over there … easy … just drift … swear to krist I can feel Clydes eyes burning in the back of my head—dont turn, just keep moving, work your way into the crowd … mingle … mingle … get lost in the crowd … gotta catch my breath … dizzy … fucking hearts banging through my head … maybe Im going blind … feel so woozy, shit! What the fucks going on, better move, dont want to attract attention, oh fuck, too dizzy to move just keeps pounding in my head and chest, slow down you son of a bitch, oh fuck, slow, s l o w, s l o w … okay, have to move, have to start for the parking lot, just take it nice an easy … one foot in front of the other, one little step at a time … slow and easy … want to get there before the stampede, fireworks must be about over, o krist, dont want to get caught up in that tangle of cars … pickup trucks. Okay, almost there … few other people beating the rush, good, wont attract attention—not important, didnt do anything, no crime, no shooting or bombs, nobody knows anything happened, just like Barnard, nothing to run from, just keep putting one foot in front of the other, shit, not even Clyde knows what happened. Never will. None of them will. Just a couple a good ol boys (and gal) got some bad barbecue an damn if it didnt kill them dead, sure nuff. Yeah, good to hear the people and hear car doors slamming and soon … yeah, there it is. Always surprised. Guess Im looking for my car and not a rental. Oh, it feels good to sit. My legs are trembling for krist sake. Fine, fine. Just get on out of here and back to the motel. Whoa, the parking lot is starting to fill up with people. Get outta here. Nice and easy. Not too slow, but cautious. Good, good, traffics moving … o krist, Ive never been so happy to leave a parking lot in my life. Concentrate on driving. Careful of the creatures that come running across the road. Dont want to kill a raccoon or a deer, or whatever they have around here. No, no, the radio wont help, not that shit kicking music. Just keep breathing and staying aware and be back in the motel before I know it and can pop a nice cold can of cokcola.

  Better wash my hands first … better safe than sorry … So this is the can that launched a thousand Big Jims into the world. Heres to you Jimbo, you good ol boy … oh boy, oh boy. He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a cokcola. What a night. A night to remember. Oh what a rogue and peasant slave am I. Actually, Im more pleasant than peasant. Its ever onward into the breach, dauntless, fearless, brave souls. Or should I turn on the boob tube and see whats happening?

  What the hell is this? Station after station, talk, talk, talk about the devil and the liberal democrats, what???
They still looking for communists? I dont believe this shit. Give me an amen and thank you jesus … whats with these people? This whole world is one big trailer park. They hate everybody. If theyre not hanging ‘gays’ theyre hanging ‘feminists’, oh thank god for an ‘off’ button. Krist, my heart is pounding. Where am I? This cant be the same country I spent my entire life in. This is beyond anything I imagined. My bodys pounding. Dizzy. Jesus my head hurts. Did I eat???? Cant fucking remember, oh these ignorant bastards. God tells them its just peachy keen to kill, maim and slaughter ‘them’, the unbelievers, oh shit, my fucking head is killing me. Should rest, big day tomorrow. Eight more to go. Lots of guns, guns, guns. Have to practice. Cant shoot the fucking head off a faggot or a feminist or a nigga, or a catholic or a buddhist or some other cult or a jew or muslim or all of the above. If you aint usins you is doomed to hell. Gotta drop this shit. Cant let their hate poison me. Have to get ready for tomorrow. Should I wait for night? Yeah, it is easier in some ways. But easier to recognize people in the daylight. Especially people I dont know. Shit, dont want to wait for night. I dont know, I dont know … Something doesnt feel right. Have this strong urge to leave. Just go home. What the hell is that all about? Why do I want to run? Have to get the rest of them. Thats why Im here. Cant go sneaking off in the night like some fucking redneck. Its out of the question. Cant run off and let those 8 live. I have all this culture. Theres nothing to fear. Even if Clyde recog—maybe it has nothing to do with that? Suppose its what might happen? Everytime I dont listen to my gut I regret it. I follow that and Im alright. Ridiculous. Im just excited. This aint the same. Hyped from the tension. Just an adrenaline rush. Mixed with all that fundamentalist garbage. Drive you nuts. Cant stop now. Oh shit. Shit! Madness! Absolute madness!!!! Take a walk. Run up and down the highway. Anything. Fuck what people will think. Walkitoff …

  Long time since I walked along a road. A kid at camp. Walk against the traffic and stay to the left. Wear something white. Today you can glow in the dark. Concentrate on what Im doing. Watch for cars and stay out of their way. Simple. Maybe someone will stop and offer me a ride. Might be willing to make a u-turn and take me where I need to go. Some down home hospitality. Well, you see, I got a burst appendix and my tractor ran over my legs, but its only another 10 miles to the hospital, no need to bother yourself neighbor. Well, if you sure. How about a chaw, little tobacco helps ease the pain. Well, I thank you kindly. Dont mind if I do. Yeah, thats what I need, to chew tobacco or sniff snuff. Damn, they must be used to people walking on the road, doesnt stop them from drifting over at 80 miles an hour and seeing how close the side view mirror comes to your head. Just another redneck way to pass the time. Thats what jesus put strangers and other creatures on the road for, to fun with. Oh by crac—no. Want to calm down, not make it worse. Just keep moving and breathing deeply …

  Make sure I dont turn that boob tube on. A hell of a lot more relaxed. But still have that same feeling in my gut. Quieter, but still the same. Providence, Providence … But why should I have to leave, it—Not the question. Have to go. No doubt. Message is simple and direct. Okay, thats settled. Make sure I dont leave anything here. All the cultures are safely packed, what a shame I cant use them now. Okay, we pack, pay the bill, and get going. Man, I feel so much lighter. Wow … my body is relaxed and happy. Damnedest thing. No way to figure this. Enough. Home again, home again, didilly jig.

  Wonder what the clerk meant: Aint yuall leaving kind of sudden like? Why would he ask me that? Wonder what he was really saying … thinking? Was he keeping an eye on me? Damn, is there a sheriffs car behind me … no … not that I can tell. Maybe I should start tossing the cultures out the window? No cultures no connection with anything. Ah no, cant do that. Who knows what will happen? Some dumb dog or cat or whatever else they have around here. Oh, there cant really be a problem. Have to get rid of them anyway. No need now. Silly to have them—ah, I dont know. Can never tell when they may be needed. A lot of people that need attention. But suppose they—jesus krist, relax. Return the car, get on the plane, in less than 2 hours we/re in the air, home in no time. But maybe I shouldnt have left? Might look suspicious. About what for krists sake? Nobodys been shot or strangled or whatever. Probably should have stayed and gotten the rest of them. Having to leave doesnt make any sense. Could always spend the night somewhere else and go back tomorrow. All those evil bastards going free. Oh god, this is madness, absolute madness. Always regret when I go against that intuitive sense. Providence never misleads. Jesus, open the window and get some cool night air, maybe that will stop this constant, stupid chatter. Return the car, check in at the counter, maybe get a cup of coffee and a croissant, board the plane … quietly. No more yakity yak, yak yak …

  Ahhh, home truly is where the heart is. Hmm, wonder if that originally was hearth? Hearth the heart me hearties. Frig the frigate, firth the fjord, furl the topsails, stand by the Royals, cornhole the bosun, get a little drunk and you land in jaaaaaaail. Did you miss me house? Did you miss me kitchen? Easy chair? Did you miss me sweetheart? Havent been turned on for a couple of days, have you? Ooops, should watch my language. You dont turn on do you? No, no, no. Have no fear, tomorrow we will be working. No point in bothering now … and too tired. Wiped out as a matter of fact. Exhaustecated. Sun be up soon. Screw the alarm. Just wake up with the madness of a new day. Oh I missed all of you. Tomorrow we see … we see … what? Who knows? We/ll see what we see … from sea to shining sea. O krist Im beat. Goodnight Mrs Calabash … wherever you are.

  The man returns, but does he return victoriously? Will he be able to become aware of the fruits of his efforts? His actions would seem to reflect that he will. In time. All things in their time.

  … well, that doesnt mean anything. Less than 24 hours. Yeah, who knows if it will make the news? Possible. But that would be a while. Just keep checking the web, but no need to sit on it. Take in a movie, let the day go by, do a little work. Its in the hands of Providence.

  Oh, his faith doth surely please me. Carry on, my son.

  Time, time, time … Drag along, skip along, fly by, stand still, whatever you do its still the same time. 24 hours a day. Can remember, not too long ago, when time was immobile. Wouldnt move. Minutes were hours, days interminable. This is much better. Time is dragging, but .this is much better. Aware, aware. Must be aware. Dont have to go back in the funk like the last time. No reason for it. There is always something that needs doing. Yeah, thats how I/ll pass the time. Was thinking of getting a dog and playing catch with him in the backyard. Or go to a park and play Frisbee. Now thats exciting. I can start the next project now, or at least develop it. Right on, everybody needs to have something ‘in development’, so why not your friendly little E.coli man? Yeah … that was the mistake I made last time, thinking Barnard was the only one, the alpha and omega of my work. Ho, ho, this is marvelous. Damn, simple and obvious. How come I didnt see this before? Tunnel vision. Thats why, tunnel vision. Oh wow, of course, thats it … I was too emotionally involved. I made it personal. How did I miss that? So obvious. Surgeon doesnt operate on his own children. No objectivity. Oh man, this is so great. Krist, had no idea how tense I was, how … apprehensive. Dont have to spend my life checking to see about ol Jimbo. Just go about my business, spend some time seeing whats going on in the world, take—whoa … slow down man. Get hyped and youll be out of your gourd. Okay … in … out … in … out … nice and easy … easy does it. Just, let it all go. Yeah …

  Wonder upon wonder. The man is not only without fault, he is with virtue. His nobility brightens the night sky. Oh my son, my son, what joy you awaken in me and thus the world.

  … what the hell is it? Seems theres been something just barely popping up the last couple of days, but cant really get a finger on it. Seems like theres a quick flash every now and then as I browse the news, but it disappears. Well, I/ll never find it thinking about it. If Providence wants me to know something its going to have to make it clearer. Oh well, only thing to do is ignore it. Dont think
about it and dont look for it. Only thing that works … what time is it? Hmmm, didnt think it was so late. Maybe I/ll walk down to the deli and get a little dinner. Brisket isnt too bad. Stretch my legs. Havent been getting much exercise lately. Too wrapped up in work. Well, time for strength and health. A little one tenth of a K walk. Hey, dont forget the one tenth back. Thats not chopped liver. Walk to the deli often enough and I/ll be a regular Schwartzenberger. Now that Ive thought of it Im getting hungrier by the minute. Okay, as they say in Bellevue, Im off. See you later sweetheart.

  Oh, theres the red-headed waitress. She sure is a delight, especially when she bends over the table. Now that is the kind of distraction I can really enjoy. Hmmm, white fish is one of the specials today. Little fish might be just right. Brain food. Too bad Big Jim wasnt eating fish. Catfish I guess. Dont remember if fish E.coli. Oh well, moot now. Wonder if Im going to have to go back there? Depends I guess. Wish I knew what wouldve happened if I/d stayed. In solitaire you can always peek to see what wouldve happened if you had done this instead of that. Cant here. I—