by Ryan Michele
“Why do you say that?” he growls. I wrestle around what to tell him, but all that plagues me is to tell him the honest truth.
“Because he lies about everything.” The panic is winning. I have to get away. “I really have to go before he finds me out here.” I tug my arm, but he doesn’t let me go, keeping his intense gaze on me.
“Like he’s your brother? Is that a lie? I don’t remember you ever having a brother.”
Brother, isn’t that a fucking joke. “Stepbrother. We aren’t blood related. Now let go.” I try to jerk away, but he keeps a grip without hurting me or getting tighter.
“What do you know?” His demand has shivers forming down my spine.
“I’m to be seen and not heard. Now you have to go, and so do I. The consequences for betraying him are too high.”
He shakes his head, and I look around to see if Buck or any of his guys have come out and this little show has caught their attention. Luckily, not yet. There’s still time.
“Wanna tell me why you’re here with a man who lies and hits you.”
I tear my arm out of his grasp as hard as I can. “I have no choice.” Turning on my heel, I dart into the darkness. This time though, he doesn’t come after me. A small part of me is disappointed, but I know better than to hold on to any kind of hope.
There is no savior in my story. The only one who will ever save me is my damn self. I didn’t lie to Nox. I don’t have a choice, but one day, choice or not, I’ll get far away from here. Far away from him. I have to. It will be my only solace, and it’s the only hope I hold onto.
That’s the thing about hope, the more you feel it the harder it is when it crushes you. I’d had hope several times only to be squashed, and I paid the price. My only hope is that Nox had a better life than I did.
Nox grew up even better looking than he was in school, and I didn’t think that was possible. Everyone knew his family was part of the Ravage MC, and that’s a big reason no one messed with him. He was nothing but a childhood crush, and that’s all he’ll ever be.
The rumble of bikes echoes the night air as I slip into the house and quickly make my way to the bathroom. If Buck finds me in here, he won’t question it.
My ass hits the cool stool and my head goes into my hands. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have warned them about Buck, and I shouldn’t have told him who I am. It was stupid. Now I can only hope that Buck never finds out. He won’t kill me, but he’ll make me hurt. Badly.
After doing my business and washing my hands, the reflection in the mirror stares back at me. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. The girl who went to live with Buck at fifteen is long gone, and in her place is a complete stranger. The hair is fake, and the makeup covers all the imperfections of my skin, including the scars on my lip or forehead. My eyes bleed like all the life has drained out of them, and I hate that.
No one can see the hurt beneath the façade, but that’s what Buck wants. It’s why he keeps me under his thumb. Seeing Nox and knowing I’d never have anything with a man like him cuts me deep. The longing I refuse to give into comes back. The hope for a different life that I washed away years ago is here in my thoughts. I need to shut it down. Stop the daydreaming, stop the hoping, the wishing, and the reminders to myself of things that will never be. Such as a man like Nox being with a woman like me. It wasn’t what my mom and I talked about. It wasn’t how I saw my life becoming.
Day by day, my mother is the only person who pushes me through as I hold her memory close. I have a small heart on my thumb that I rub my ring finger on. It’s been my saving grace many times.
The door opens, and I turn quickly.
“Get your ass out here,” Big Jim, one of my brother’s friends, orders. Not wanting any more trouble, I go as he harshly grips my arm. Memories of Nox’s touch float in my head as I try to wipe away Big Jim’s touch. It doesn’t work. This is cold and callous, familiar and despising.
“Buck wants you in his room, now.”
Big Jim pushes me to Buck’s bedroom door. My hand shakes as I reach for the handle. He’s behind this door.
He’s pissed.
He’ll hurt me.
I wish he’d just kill me and get it over with. End my life and be done with it. But I’m not that lucky. No, my luck ran out a long time ago. Buck has come close several times, but always stops right when I’m on the cusp of seeing the light—the end. It’s a vicious cycle that’s been on repeat for more years than I care to remember.
Letting out a deep breath, I turn the knob and step into the room. A loud crack sounds in the room, and pain spears me in the head. It’s the last thing I remember as my body freefalls to the ground and everything turns black.
My only thought is maybe this time I won’t wake up.
**
Everything and everywhere hurts. My entire body screams so badly, I can’t move. My eyes are swollen and can only open a small bit, enough to see I’m in Buck’s room on his bed. But he isn’t here. A small bit of relief hits, very small.
My limbs are so heavy, like they are lead weights and I can’t pick them up. Dammit. This isn’t good. The last time Buck did this to me, I had to lay in bed for days which only pissed Buck off more. Then it took me even longer to get healed because he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Punching bag should be my name. He could be angry at anyone or anything, but it always is taken out on me.
Come on, Carsyn. You need to get your ass up and get moving. You can’t lay here. It’ll be worse if you do.
Memories of the last time explode. There’s nothing worse than not being able to move while a man does what he wants to your body and you can’t fight him off. It’s one thing when I have all my control. It’s a complete other when there is none. There are different levels of fear and pain. Some may be scared of a spider or a snake. While, for me, I’d welcome those any day to Buck and his friends.
Inside, I don’t even know anymore what level I’m on. It has to be close to resignation because as each day passes, the hope gets dimmer and dimmer.
You can do this. Get your ass up.
With every bit of strength I can muster, I force my legs to swing off the bed. Sharp pain shoots through my spine as I will myself to sit up. A small scream escapes me as I suck in deep breaths of air. Buck did a number on me, and my naked body shows it. The positive is I don’t remember it. The negative is I don’t remember it.
Considering between my legs throbs and burns, I can only imagine what he did to me. Or who did what to me. Buck has no problem sharing me with the entire place as long as everyone knows I belong to him, and he’s not shy about objects he uses inside of me either.
It even hurts in my lower stomach like something penetrated me deep inside. There’ll no doubt be blood in the stool when I go to the bathroom.
Slowly, I rise and make my way to the bathroom inside the room, each one of my muscles protesting and on fire with agony. My insides slosh, and I swear I feel like they may fall out. The woman in the mirror is beaten, broken, and alone. Dead.
This is not what my mother would’ve wanted for me, but it’s my fault she’s not here, living and breathing.
This is my penance.
One that I wish would end.
My mother was so strong and determined. She took life by the horns and lived. She took me to my first concert when I was only six saying I had to see Bon Jovi in person, there was no other way to hear them. It was the first of four concerts we got in before I lost her. Each one a memory I hold onto. Mom took me to art shows that I thought were boring as hell, but having lived without her all these years, I’d give anything for her to take me to one now.
Only, my mother would be disappointed in me. To see the woman I grew up to be, she wouldn’t respect me or find pride in who her little girl became. She wouldn’t be able to look at me. A woman that I hate to even look at in the mirror myself. Looking over my naked body, bruises, cuts, and welts cover every inch of my flesh. There is no mistaking the outline of handprint
s and a leather belt.
A shower is out of the question. As much as I want to wash everything off me, the water will make everything hurt worse. It will inflame only to leave me with more torture. A lesson I learned a long time ago the hard way. Fuck.
I do my business, which takes a hell of a long time considering my mobility is shit.
This is my life. My lot in life. My punishment for what I’ve done. I’ve accepted it for years, but I’m not sure how much more I can take.
Honestly, I’m more than ready for it to end.
3
Nox
“Why the fuck did we get this shit job?” Ryker clips next to me in the club’s SUV. We only use it for times like these—hauling shit.
Being locked up in a vehicle isn’t our way of life. For all of us, it’s like caging a wild animal. While we deal with the confines of the cars when necessary, it just feels, well, unnatural and wrong.
“I elected us. Get the fuck over it.”
He continues to bitch, making me want to laugh. I knew he’d be like this, and it’s exactly why he’s sitting next to me. It’s his fault for fucking my sister. Welcome to the family, buddy.
Our relationship hasn’t changed since he and Austyn got together, yet I find it fun to razz him even more now.
“Seriously, Nox. You’re takin’ me to a warehouse store?” He lays his head back on the seat staring at the ceiling. “What’s next? Gonna take me shoppin’ for underwear?”
“I hear Victoria has a fuck of a lot of secrets.”
He chuckles. “Yes, she does, my man. Yes, she does.” The smirk on his face lets me know exactly where his mind went. Gah, I so opened the door for that one, but really, who wants to think of their sister and lingerie. Ryker is loyal, and once he claimed Austyn that was it. Then again, in Ravage, that’s how we all are. I’ll enjoy my single life until the time comes when I can’t get some woman out of my system, so much I want her until the end of my days.
“We’ll be done quick. Just have to get the hard stuff.”
We arrive at the store with a shit ton of people going in and out of it. Women with babies crying and children running around the place. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea. Don’t get me wrong. I love kids, just not screaming ones who have no control.
Grabbing two carts, Ryker, surprisingly, leads us back to the booze and we fill up the carts. My stomach rumbles. “Be right back.” I leave the cart with Ryker who yells at me to get my ass back there, but I’m on a mission.
Jerky, chips, and salsa are on the menu.
Turning the corner, red hair catches me and my feet stop. It’s not a natural red, but one that comes out of a bottle because of the dark roots. She reaches over throwing several bags of chips in her cart. Her side profile confirms it’s Carsyn.
She has on long sleeves, pants, and a sun visor. Considering the temperature outside, she’s going to melt. Taking a closer look, she has sunglasses on. Inside. Why the fuck does she have sunglasses on in here?
“Carsyn?”
Her entire body freezes, her hand holding a bag of chips mid-air stills. It takes several moments, then she puts the chips in the cart and begins to walk ignoring me. She’s only a couple steps in front of me. Therefore, I move fast and get in front of her cart, my smile wide. She’d been invading my thoughts since our last meeting, and here she is.
My smile dies when her face is revealed. Yellow and green seem to mar her face. She tried covering it up with makeup and did a pretty good job of it, but I can see it.
“What happened?” Carsyn looks around frantically, and I ask, “Is he here with you?”
“No.” Her voice is but a whisper. “I can’t talk to you. You need to go.”
She tries to maneuver around me, but she doesn’t get far.
“Tell me what happened. Buck do this?”
Her chuckle isn’t a happy one. “Hell if I know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Look, Nox. I can’t talk to you. You have to forget you ever saw me.”
“Darlin’, that’s impossible. Now tell me what’s going on.”
“I don’t have to tell you anything.” She rams the cart into my hips. Luckily my hands stop it from causing too much damage. Her words are pissed off, but her eyes are terrified.
“I know you don’t, but I’d like you to.” She’s shaken, and I need to earn her trust. I get it. I read her like a fucking book. She’s been mind-fucked in the worst of ways. She’s in too deep.
“Nox. Just go on with your life like you never met me. It’s better for all of us.”
“Why, so he can beat the shit out of you at every turn?”
She casts her eyes down to the floor and grips the cart so tight her knuckles turn white. Her shoulders move up and down like she’s taking deep breaths. Definitely scared.
I gentle my voice. “You don’t have to live like this, Carsyn. Talk to me.”
“Don’t you get it? I can’t. No matter if I want to or not, Nox. I can’t. I have to go before anyone catches us talking.”
I just can’t let her go. There’s something about her that compels me to get closer. It’s not because she’s getting hurt, that’s a given, but it’s the fire I saw in her eyes the other day at the club. The fact that she isn’t the same girl I once knew. That girl was a spitfire; this one is falling apart before my eyes.
“Meet me tomorrow. Anywhere you can.”
“You know I can’t, Nox. He knows where I am every second of the day.” She lets out an exasperated breath causing the small tendrils of her hair to float up.
“Do you have to go anywhere tomorrow like today that he knows about?” I’m desperate to see her again. Every fiber of my existence screams not to give up on her, not to let her escape my grasp. Buck’s a piece of work, that much is evident, but Carsyn, she doesn’t deserve the shit he’s doing. No woman does. Except it’s more than that, even if I don’t want to admit it.
She pauses, then chews on her bottom lip, probably trying to decide if she should tell me or not. Fuck, she just needs to give me an inch here. If I were in her mind, I have no doubt she’s at war with herself. One part of her wanting to see me, the other terrified if she does. I hate this is her life. No one deserves to live like this, but she has to be the one to ask for help. That’s one thing I learned from my sister, Austyn.
Makes me want to go beat his fucking ass.
“At one, I’ll be at the laundromat on Gains. No one will come with me. Bye.” She says all of this in a low mumble, then pushes the cart to the side and makes a break for it. I let her, stepping to the side, and watch her ass swish down the aisle.
I want to see the fire back in her. To see her burn. To see her realize that she can do so much better than this in life. I want her to see that she means something, and I want to get to know her better. Even back in school I knew that she deserved the world. Now, it looks as though the world is crushing her completely.
Rubbing my hand over my face, I grab the food and head back to Ryker.
Tomorrow, I’ll have to have kid gloves on. Fuck if that is the opposite of me.
**
The party is in full swing, and everyone’s here. Music is loud and everyone’s having a great time. Parties are a norm around here, but this one has one difference.
Micah.
Tug and Blaze’s kid is here, and he brought a woman who looks just like Emery with him. He and Emery, my cousin, have a past in that Emery has been pinning for him for years. Yet, he’s a fuckin’ moron who doesn’t see it. Or if he does, ignores it.
Case and point—tonight. First, coming to the club after making it clear he considers us beneath him. Second, bringing a woman who looks like a clone of the woman who would give him the sun and stars. He’s a fuckin’ idiot.
Commotion occurs when Emery sits at the bar and Micah walks up. Emery’s hurting, that’s for damn sure. I move closer to hear, but Jacks walks up to Emery, pulls her against him, and leaves the clubhouse with her. I wasn’t expecting t
hat.
Interesting.
“Wow, you really are a douche canoe,” Austyn says to Micah as I get close.
He says nothing, pissing my sister off even more.
“Hey, douche canoe!”
“What the hell’s your problem?” Micah fires back, and I let her take the reins. I could just punch him and get it over with, but this is more fun.
Austyn slides off the barstool to stand in front of Micah, coming up to Micah’s nose. One thing about my sister, she’s fearless.
Her finger pokes Micah’s chest. “My fuckin’ problem is—you come here after years of bein’ gone, talkin’ shit about this club, and bringin’”—she glances over at the Emery clone, sizing her up from head to foot— “her here when you damn well knew Em would be here, you dumbass.”
“Is there a problem here?” Ryker comes up behind Austyn, putting his arms protectively around her.
Austyn pats his arms. “No, baby. I’m just telling douche canoe here that he’s a moron and if he ever wanted to have something remotely with Emery, he just blew that shit sky high.”
“He blew that shit high a long fuckin’ time ago,” Ryker throws in like he’s an expert in the matter, only pissing me off more.
“What in the hell are you two talking about? You know nothing about any of it. Emery and I are friends,” Micah clips out.
Austyn full out laughs, and I follow. He’s a fucking joke.
“Oh my God!” She continues to laugh. “You’re worse than a douche canoe. You’re a twat who rides a douche canoe.”
“Would you stop with the name calling because I can return the favor,” Micah tells her calmly.
A low growl comes from Ryker. “It would be in your best interest not to say a fuckin’ word.”
“Do you have screws loose or something?” The woman next to Micah jumps in, crossing her arms over her chest and taking a step forward.