by Ryan Michele
“Do not finish that statement.” I move away quickly and head to the bathroom. “I’m taking a shower.” Locking the door behind me, I slide down the door until my ass hits the floor as tears spill over onto my cheeks and down them.
I can’t blame him, though. There’s so much mud on me; no man, especially one as kind and wonderful as Nox, would ever want to kiss someone like me.
Used up. That’s exactly what I am. What I’ll always be. There’s no way to ever change that. Those marks run so deep that nothing will make them go away. When I think of all the things I had to do at Buck’s demands, it crushes me. I’d never be able to tell someone because they would look at me the way Nox did.
Pity. They’d never be able to see the woman behind it all. The woman lost inside, just trying to keep her head above water. The one who just wanted to feel safe and happy for one damn time since my mother died.
These last few days, Nox gave me security, made me smile, and has taken care of me in a way I haven’t felt since my mother was alive. A way I’ll probably never feel again once he leaves.
Just once I wanted a kiss that meant something—anything. It did for me; for a split second I wasn’t me. I was someone who could be loved. I was someone a man wanted, who I wanted in return. Amazing how one split second of your life can change everything.
It keeps happening to me over and over again with no stop in sight.
I’m not even sure what the purpose of my life is. Why I was even born if this was how I’d end up.
The door shakes when Nox pounds on it, making me jump. “Yeah?” I call out, swiping the tears from my face.
“You okay?”
“Yep.”
I stand up, stripping my clothes off, and jump in the shower. The water is so cold I shiver and wait for it to warm. My head under the spray does nothing to fight back the tears, but at least this way no one can see them.
Life has dealt me a shit hand a few times over, but this is my fresh start—the one I’ve wanted for years and it’s in my grasp. Taking it is going to be hard, but it’s a must. I can’t go back to Buck’s, and Nox has to get back to his club.
I have no one to count on but myself.
Stepping back and sucking in air, I make a vow to myself. I will find me. I will be a better me. I will have a life. I will have a sliver of happiness. I will not let my birth continue to be torture. I will make something of myself. Someway somehow—I will.
My mom worked her fingers to the bone when I was little, before she met my stepfather. My real father was never in the picture. There were nights she worked double shifts and I had to take care of myself. It never bothered me one bit.
She’s who I need to pull strength from. She had a kid and still managed to keep a roof over our heads and keep me going to school every day.
It’ll be hard.
It’ll break me at times.
It’ll make me want to surrender.
I won’t give in.
I will find me.
**
Nox waits for me as I come out of the bathroom with a towel around me. In my haste to get away, I forgot clothes; score one for Carsyn, or is it Ava. This is going to be tricky.
“Hey,” I say, moving over to the bag of clothes and pulling some out, not really caring what garments are there.
A hand clasps around my wrist, and my stomach drops. Nox isn’t the kind of man to let things go and this, he’ll want answers and I don’t know what to give him.
Sucking in a fortifying breath, I look up into those deep browns. The corners of his mouth are tight and a small wrinkle in his forehead looks as though he’s thinking. About what, I’d really like to know, but can only imagine it’s something like what the hell was I thinking!
“Carsyn…” His words trail off, and the pain in my chest comes back from its small reprieve in the bathroom.
“It’s okay.” Lie. One thing I absolutely hate to do, but have done it so many times it’s second nature anymore. “I get it, Nox. It’s fine. What do you—” I’m cut off.
“Get what, Carsyn?”
He releases my wrist and I make my way to the bathroom shutting the door.
“Just because you’re in there doesn’t mean you’re not answering me. Get what, Carsyn?” he repeats as I slam my forehead against the door. Why does he have to be so good at reading people. At getting them to talk? Why can’t he be like one of those passive guys who just nods and goes away?
Because you would never want him that way.
I slip on my underwear and capris. For some reason, it feels easier to talk to him through the door. It may be a coward’s way out, but at least I won’t see his face. Won’t see what I already know is there.
“Look, Nox, I understand what I am. I’ve been it for so long I have no idea how to be normal.” Whatever in the hell that is. “After being passed around like a sex toy for more years than I care to acknowledge, I get how you see me. How everyone will see me, who knows my past. I don’t blame you for regretting kissing me.”
My only regret is I didn’t do it just a little longer so I could hold on to the one little memory a while longer. That brief moment when I mattered.
Loud bangs hit the door. “Open this fucking door, Carsyn,” he orders, and I know I should listen; at least, if it was Buck on the other end I would. His punishment for not would be too severe when I did. But this is Nox. I know he won’t hurt me, at least physically. Emotionally he has without even knowing he did it.
“I’m getting dressed. I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Carsyn Avery Devero, open this fucking door.”
Wait. How does he know my middle name? I didn’t tell him. I haven’t told anyone that name is forever.
“How do you know my middle name?” I ask, tossing my bra and shirt on.
“Dammit. Open the door so we can talk about this.” His demands become more desperate, making it hard for me to stand my ground. Really, there’s no reason to stand anything, and I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Right? Or not. Shit, this is confusing.
“Give me a minute. I have to brush my teeth.” I’m not lying because it must be done for my oral hygiene, not an excuse to stay in here just a few minutes more. Ha! Lies. All lies.
“I don’t regret kissing you one bit, Carsyn.” My brush stills as I look into the mirror at my wide eyes. “I regret not being able to control myself around you and making you kiss me. I never want to make you feel like you have to do anything again, and I should’ve kept my shit together.”
He doesn’t regret kissing me. Toothbrush in mouth, toothpaste falling down my chin, I say, “What?”
“Open the door.”
I spit and rinse, wiping off my face in the process. Slowly, my hand reaches the knob and I unlock it. The door swings open, and my breath stills. Nox is beautiful. Dark hair, eyes, and beard. Lips that I can still feel on mine. He’s something out of a book or a movie. So unattainable, yet he’s here with me, and he doesn’t regret kissing me.
“You don’t?” I hate that my voice cracks.
His hand comes up to cup my face once more as he leans in. “No. Not one fuckin’ bit. I’m a bit demanding in what I want, and you’re not in a place for that. You need to be in control of your body, and I pushed it. I’m sorry.”
My head shakes back and forth. “I thought you’d see me as used and damaged.”
“Absolutely not, Carsyn. Any asshole who does, doesn’t deserve your attention. You were dealt a shit hand, but now is your time to turn it around and make your life the way you want it to be. You get to start over.”
A tear rolls down my cheek and he sweeps his thumb over it, wiping it away. “Yeah.”
Nox pulls me into his arms and kisses the top of my head. We stay there for long moments, and I drink him in. Every minute of it because it won’t last. Good things never do for me.
11
Nox
My cell rings as we enter the hotel room from Gunny and Sharon’s place. Looking down, my dad’s n
ame comes across it.
I should’ve called him and told him what was going on and what I was doing. Ravage is everything to me, and not telling them is killing me. But I just know in my bones that if all the Ravage brothers would’ve come with me, Carsyn would’ve bailed out. She’s so skittish, and the last thing I wanted to was her changing her mind.
Inside, I’m torn. It’s wrong not telling them, but also right for Carsyn.
Fuck, this shit is hard.
Carsyn heads into the bathroom as I accept the call, already knowing what it’s about. A pit of dread fills me. I knew it was coming, and pushing it back in my head did neither of us any good. This is a clusterfuck of my own making.
“Hey, Dad.”
“Son, got your run with Jacks soon. You headin’ back?”
“Yeah. Planning on bein’ there tomorrow.”
Fuck. Leaving her is going to be hard. While I know Gunny and Sharon will take care of her, this possessive feeling fills me. I want to be the one taking care of her. She should just come back with me, and I’ll put her in the clubhouse until we figure out what to do next.
“Good. You alright, Nox?”
Exhaling, I answer, “Yeah. I’ll be there tomorrow.”
“Call me if you need anything.”
“Will do.”
The phone line goes dead. I drop it to the bed watching it bounce then land.
The bathroom door opens, and Carsyn walks out. Her eyes are a bit bloodshot, and it’s tearing me up. I never wanted to hurt her. Only help her however I can.
“Why don’t you come back with me to Sumner. You can hang out at the clubhouse until we figure everything out.”
A small smile lifts her lips as she touches my arm, the warmth shooting right through me. “I can’t. You know it just as much as I do. I heard. You have to go.”
“I…”
She does that finger over the lips thing again to stop my words. How can that one movement be so damn sexy?
“You have a life there. I don’t and if Buck knows I’m there, he’ll come after me.”
“I’d like to see him fuckin’ try.” I’d light his fucking ass up so fast just for the fear etched in her eyes right now.
She blinks, but the pain doesn’t go away. “You have to promise me something.”
“Not sure I can do that.” I’ve never made a promise I didn’t keep, and my guess is this one will be severely difficult.
She steps closer to me. “You have to. It’s what’s best for me and you. I need you to promise me that you’ll stay far away from Buck. If he thinks you have me, make him think otherwise. I don’t care what you have to do, just promise me you’ll stay far away from him.”
My gut twists knowing I was right. “Babe, that puts a damper on me putting a bullet through his head.”
She doesn’t gasp or seem at all shocked by my declaration. While most women would have some kind of reaction, Carsyn doesn’t. She’s resigned.
Her hand comes to rest lightly on my chest giving a sight tremble. “He’s not worth you wasting your life over. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. You’ve gone above and beyond anything I could ever expect from someone who doesn’t even know me. Thank you will never be good enough. But you can’t go after Buck. Promise me.”
“Why? If I wipe him out, you’ll be free,” I push.
Her smile is sad. “Yeah, but at what cost? You in prison for the rest of your life? The club you love going down because of me? No, Nox. I have enough on my conscious as it is. I can’t do any more.”
I pull her close to me, wrapping my arms around her. Her arms follow, but her body is tense.
“He ever comes after you again, Carsyn, he’s dead.”
She actually chuckles. “Yeah. That’s a deal I can make.”
Carsyn pulls back and looks up at me with light shining in her eyes. A light that hadn’t been there days ago. “Since this is our last night together, I’d like you to do something for me. If you want.”
“You’re getting awfully demanding with your wants, woman.”
Her chuckle carries through the room. It’s a sound I love hearing from her, but then her face gets serious and she takes a step out of my arms and sits on the bed. Whatever this is, is weighing heavy on her. I take a seat on the other bed so we’re facing.
Carsyn fiddles with her hands not making eye contact with me, telling me she’s scared of what I’ll say. Fuck, I already said I wouldn’t go after Buck for now. There isn’t much more she could need. She’s set with a place to stay, money, and IDs to start a new life.
“Carsyn?”
Her words are quiet and soft. “I’ve never given myself freely to a man before.”
She’s never given herself freely to anyone.
Fuck, those words hurt. No, they don’t hurt, they bleed throughout me. She’s twenty-four and has never had a good experience with sex. And while I think I know where this is going, she can’t want me to fill that. Can she?
The shit my sister and Leah went through was horrible, and I saw what it did to their men, unable to fix those feelings inside of them. And not being able to wipe those memories from their women so they didn’t feel the horror.
The shit may’ve happened to Austyn and Leah, but Ryker and Green felt it right along with them. All they could do was soothe their pain—exactly what I want to do for Carsyn.
“Okay…” I encourage when she takes a bit to talk.
“You said that you don’t think of me as used or damaged.” A tear rolls down her cheek. I jump up and sit beside her and wrap my arm around her shoulders, pulling her to me.
“You’re not, Carsyn. Sooner you start believing that, the sooner you can move on from this life.”
“Will you?” she trails off, not finishing.
“Will I what? Be perfectly clear on what you want here, Carsyn. There needs to be absolutely no room for assumptions.”
Her eyes glitter as she looks over at me. “Will you be my first, Nox?”
My chest tightens, and everything inside me screams not to. Not because of her past, but because I’m leaving and whatever we share tonight will only be a memory. It kills me to leave her like that. To know that I’ll be gone. One-night stands have always been a norm for me because I never wanted to be serious with a woman. With Carsyn though, having sex with her and then just leaving feels like a knife to the heart.
“You sure you want that.”
“If you don’t want to…” She starts to pull away, but I pull her back; taking a risk I know I shouldn’t but can’t stop myself from.
“Never said that. I’m just making absolutely one hundred percent sure that this is what you want. I know you’ve had a shit go at things, and it’s completely understandable for you not to see sex the way others do.”
A small laugh escapes her, but it’s not humorous. “That’s for sure, but that’s why I want this. I want to know that sex isn’t a punishment. That it isn’t meant to hurt… but I get it, Nox. I shouldn’t have asked you to do that.”
“Fuck yes you should’ve.” My words even shock me at their furiousness because the thought of anyone else doing this for her sends red hot rage through me. “I’m more than willing to do this for you and with you, but I’ve gotta know that your head is in a good place. I don’t want to make you more unsure or hurt you in any way.”
“Why do you have to be so sweet?”
Huh? That’s something I’ve never been called before.
She continues, “I want this. I want it to be you. I trust you fully and completely. You make me feel safe. If I don’t, I’ll never know if I can.”
That slices through me, hard and fast. The thought of another man putting his hands on her… no, just no. She’s not yours, Nox.
“You tell me at any time if you want to stop or if you’re not feeling something. Or if something I do reminds you of something negative. You say the word and I’m off you in a flash.”
Sex has always been release for me. It’s fun and passes th
e time, but I’ve never really committed fully to the act. The women in my life are only there for that purpose. Sex. There are no relationships or expectations that I’ll call them in the morning. There are no concerns for me if I’m going to be good or if they get off.
It’s just the physical act of sex.
This, though. This is something completely out of my element. I can do the sex part, that’s not the problem. She’s a beautiful woman with a great heart. It’s the emotional part that worries me. For her and for me. She has so much baggage surrounding sex, and I don’t want to add into that.
There’s so much I don’t know, that I don’t want to know, that happened to her. What if I make a move that will set her off? How the fuck am I going to comfort her instead of letting her drown in that thought?
What if me being on top scares the shit out of her and she has a panic attack or some shit. Fuck. Yeah. This is completely out of my comfort zone, but I’ll do it for her. Whatever she needs. If this is it. Then so be it.
“And I know I’m clean. Buck demanded condoms be used for every single person except for him. It’s the only time he gave me a curtesy and took me to the doctor to get check.”
While I should be happy that asshole had a restriction, I’m fucking pissed off he had to have the damn restriction in the first place. Fucker. No one should have touched her. Ever.
“Thank you.” She breathes.
I smile breaking the anger threatening to take me over and joke. “Now that’s a first. I’ve never had a thank you before sex.”
The blush on her cheeks is cute.
“Kiss me,” she whispers.
“Remember. I touch you somewhere that you don’t want or like, you tell me immediately. Don’t let me have that on my shoulders, Carsyn. I won’t be able to live with myself if I hurt you in any way.”
“I will. Promise.”
Fuck, are these butterflies actually nerves? Yeah, this is going to be a lot of firsts for me.
Our lips connect, and she meets me move for move. Her tongue sweeps in my mouth, and her taste explodes on my tongue. She’s sweet as honey. My arms wrap around her, pressing her body to mine. Her soft curves envelop me from top to toe.