by Ryan Michele
Her hands are tentative on my arms and chest, taking their time. When her breath hitches, she tells me what she likes.
Rolling over on my back, she comes over top of me and straddles my hips. Her hands come to my chest as she pulls back slightly, staring at me with those gorgeous eyes that suck me in at every turn.
“Nox,” she breathes, eyes dilated and hard nipples poking through her shirt.
“Yeah, gorgeous.” Her hips begin to move pressing her heat to my hardness, each stroke giving me immense pleasure. My shorts and her panties are the only thing standing in our way. It kills me to not flip her over and fuck her hard and rough. But that’s not what she needs from me. No way am I going to fuck this up—at least not on purpose.
“Please.” Her hips move faster as she chases her orgasm. While I’d like to be the one to have my mouth and hands on her, her having this control is what she needs. So I’ll give it to her.
“Show me how you come, Carsyn.”
Her hips roll and holding myself together is a challenge, especially when she adds in the moans and mewls. Shit.
Hands on her hips, I give her a little help moving her faster and harder, ratcheting up her arousal and desire.
Carsyn’s eyes fly open, her jaw drops as an inhalation of air mixed with some sound escapes her lips as she comes. Fuck, she’s beautiful.
Pisses me off that some asshole tried to put her fire out. I push that out of my mind.
Her body falls on top of mine, and I push her hair back as she comes down.
“That was… wow.” She almost shudders her words.
“Gorgeous, glad you liked that, but that’s nothin’. You trust me.”
Her head comes up, and she studies me for long moments. “Yeah. I do.”
Knowing her past, this is a lot coming from her. “Promise you’re safe with me.”
She nods as I flip her onto her back. The bed gives a bounce with the action, a pillow flying off to the floor. Checking her face, there’s no sign of fear, only desire and lust.
“I’m takin’ off your shirt,” I say, waiting for her to nod; when she does it goes to the floor. My heart constricts. The marks and bruises are still there, and it takes everything inside of me to push down the anger of anyone putting their hands on her.
Gathering myself, my hands roam down her body, softly and slowly as I watch her intently, looking for any cues that she’s scared. When she gives me none, my hands continue and I wrap my lips around her pert baby pink nipple, sucking it deep and using my tongue to flick it.
She moans, and her hands come to my chest, then moves down. She tears off my shirt, and the tips of her fingers graze my flesh. Something inside of me twists and stretches, forming into a feeling I never thought I’d feel.
“Panties,” I growl, unable to hide my need for her. She nods and ever so slowly, I pull the fabric down her thighs, kissing her skin as I do making sure to get behind the knee, calves with her beautiful butterflies, her ankles and feet.
Her legs are slightly parted, and her chest is heaving up and down. “You okay?”
She licks her lips, my already hard cock now completely tenting my shorts, the fun of going commando. “Yeah. Please touch me,” she practically pleads.
I kiss up her thighs, my eyes on her the entire time, and move to the V where I smell her arousal. Her body trembles and I watch for fear, but it doesn’t come. She’s nervous, and who could blame her.
Reaching out my tongue, the first taste of her sends my head reeling and my heart thudding. Her hiccups and the fact she can’t keep her body still only urge me on.
Using tongue, lips, and teeth, I devour her pussy to the point she’s thrusting her hips up into my mouth.
Her body tenses as she screams out her release and I continue to lick her, taking in her orgasm. Her hand on my shoulder squeezes me hard, no doubt leaving fingernail marks. Never wanted a woman to leave a mark on me; Carsyn though, feels right.
When her eyes finally flutter open, she stares at me like I hung the fucking moon.
“You want more, Carsyn.” Her eyes widen as her breaths are still uneven.
“Yes.”
I tear off my shorts and grab a condom from my wallet, sheathing myself on the way back to the bed.
“Are you going to fit?” she asks, and I smirk.
“Yeah, gorgeous.” Her smile is sexy as hell as I loom over top of her. “You want me to stop at any time, tell me.”
Her hands squeeze my ass hard. “Guess that means you’re ready.”
“Yes.”
As I slide in, inch by inch, my focus never strays away from her face. She watches me intently, only closing her eyes momentarily, gasping then reopening. Her legs come up and circle my hips, her arms around my neck squeeze. My cock is to the hilt, so deep inside of her I can feel her everywhere.
She wraps around me like she was made to be right where she is.
Sweat drips down my forehead as I strain to keep myself in check. My muscles bunch wanting so badly to move, but knowing to be gentle.
“Nox, please,” she whispers, starting to wiggle beneath me.
My elbows go to the sides of her head, my mouth only inches from hers. Instead of words that I feel, which shouldn’t, my lips find hers and I begin thrusting.
“Oh God!” she screams out, her nails biting into my skin. It’s not a scream of passion, it’s one of fear. I stop immediately and pull up and out, giving her room. Her eyes are wild searching back and forth.
“Talk to me, Carsyn.”
Her breaths begin to even out. “Sorry.”
My head shakes. “No reason for that. Get on top and ride me.”
Her eyes come back to me and the moment she clears them, she shifts and gets on top. I slip back into her warm heat, my hands going to her ass and helping with her movements. Her gaze never leaves mine, not for one second as the rhythm and pace quickens.
Noises from her lips are sexy as hell and when her hips begin to lose the pace we were at, she comes hard and fast. She raises her body, her pert tits staring at me as I thrust up one, two, three times and spill myself inside.
This.
What the hell was this?
This wasn’t sex or fucking. This was something completely different.
This connection is so much bigger than anything I’ve ever felt before. It’s a gift, one that will forever be imprinted on me, making everything else in my life insignificant.
Now how the fuck am I supposed to leave her?
12
Carsyn
He sleeps on his back, his muscles stretching and contracting with each breath. Nox is a magnificent creature. Kind. Trustworthy. Compassionate. Understanding. Funny. Great to be around. His attributes go on and on.
Safe. That’s how I feel in his presence.
In another life, he would be the man of my dreams. The one who would be by my side through the good times and the bad. The rock I could lean on to shoulder the weight of everyday life. The safety net I’ve always craved, and he’d do it proudly and be happy to have me on his arm.
In another life, we’d have children, who would have his gorgeous smile and eyes. We’d raise them to be strong like their daddy.
In another life…
Not my life.
He’s leaving today, and I’m going to live with Gunny and Sharon. This is it. The last time that I’ll wake up in his arms and feel his warmth surround me. That I’ll be able to listen to the steady beat of his heart and feel safe. It’s all ending, and it hurts worse than ever getting hit by Buck.
It’s ripping me up, shredding me. Tearing my soul in so many pieces, I’m not sure it’ll ever be put back together again. I’d wish for physical pain before ever feeling this way again. Physically I could heal, this—him leaving me—will sear my soul for the rest of my life. There will be no way to put a Band-Aid on it, and it’ll be gone in a few days. No, this is branded on every inch of my heart and soul, turning black and decaying into dust.
No. This i
s a pain, a hurt that is so deep it’s like losing my mother all over again magnified by ten.
To never hear his laugh again or feel his lips on mine. To never have him tell me I’m beautiful when I don’t feel that way inside at all. To never hear his voice so deep and raspy.
It’s like a death. A little snapshot of what you’re supposed to have in life, only to be whisked away and you never see it again. It’s final and forever. A chapter in my life that will never be replayed.
Yeah, today is going to be hard and I have to hide it.
Nox has done so much for me that he deserves to see me smile as he takes off. Not some crying pathetic woman that he did everything in the world to help. Today, the mask needs to go on, but I need to give him something to remember me by.
I want him to close his eyes and think of me. It’ll be my way of saying goodbye. Slowly, as not to wake him, I move down his body pushing the sheet as I go. He really does have a gorgeous body, and the way he let me take my time last night and explore him is an experience I’ll never forget.
Each muscle and ridge I’ve memorized. The way he feels inside of me—no, that will never be forgotten.
I don’t want to feel broken and torn down by my past. The past that keeps pulling me down at every turn. The one that has its grips in me so tight, I’m not even sure I can get myself up.
For once, the past isn’t going to define me, even if it’s only for a few moments.
I want to give back to Nox something that he’ll always remember of me. Something that proves that for a brief moment in time, I was normal and don’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I want to be free. My determination kicks in because I don’t want him to remember me as that timid woman; instead, I want to be the one he’ll never forget. Sucking in a deep breath and squaring my resolve, the confidence that has been beaten and broken gives me enough strength to be bold.
I pull his cock into my mouth, sucking long and deep. He’s semi-erect, but that’ll change quickly. Circling my tongue around the crown, his taste on my lips. Nox’s body twitches, but I keep at my task, licking a line all the way up.
My gag reflex is non-existent, so when I take him fully in my mouth, he slides all the way inside, my nose tickled from his pubic hair. Nox jolts, and I look up to see his eyes fly open coming straight to me.
“Mornin’.” His gruff tone only spurs me on. Using my hand to jack and mouth to suck, my head bobs up and down over and over again. Nox’s legs quiver as his balls draw up. He’s close.
A loud pop fills the air when I release him, then lick his strong length. It becomes a mission to make him come so hard it will be seared in his mind for all times.
“Fuck,” he groans, and I love it. “That mouth of yours, damn.”
Smiling around his cock, I really get to work bringing him to the point of orgasm, but not giving him enough to tip over.
“Carsyn,” he warns, and I giggle looking up at him. “Can’t take much more.”
“Sure you can.”
“Carsyn.” This time it’s more of a plea for relief. I give in because come on, it’s Nox. Using hands, mouth, and tongue, I make him lose his ever-loving mind. When thick ropes of his come lands on my tongue, I swallow each wholeheartedly. I want him inside of me. And I’ll take what I can get.
“Well that’s a great fuckin’ way to wake up,” he groans. A power I’ve never felt when it comes to sexual acts sweeps through me. I made Nox crumble with my mouth. I’ve always hated blow jobs. Who would ever want a dick in their mouth of someone they hate.
This was completely different. I guess that’s what sex is when you actually care about someone. It’s a connection and a bond. It’s something stronger than words or actions. It reaches down into your soul and unites each of you in different ways. The harder he thrust inside of me, the deeper my body wanted him—pulled him to me, gripping him and not ever wanting to let go. If my body could’ve, it never would’ve released him. Ever.
No, I’ll never be the same, but every second with Nox is worth it.
“Let me take care of you,” he says, reaching down and grabbing my ass.
“No. This right here is what I want to remember.” I kiss his lips and jump from the bed and run into the bathroom. The woman reflected back at me is happy and content. She’s confident and sure. This is the woman that I need to be. This is the life that I want.
I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to allow anyone to walk all over me. I want to be strong, and I will be.
Getting ready sucks because I know this is it. He’s going to drop me off and leave. Strong, Carsyn. Or is it Ava? Fuck…
Nox is dressed by the time I come out. “Called Gunny and Sharon. They have breakfast ready for us.”
“Great.” Packing always sucks. Packing to leave a man like Nox is even worse, but I do it with a smile on my face because that’s how Nox is going to remember me. Smiling.
“Hey, you okay?” He touches my arm, turning me around.
“Yeah. Of course.”
Nox pulls me into his arms and it takes everything inside of me not to cry. Not to allow myself to cry. It’s hard. So damn hard. “Everything is gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.”
He’s so confident, but he and I both know once he leaves—nothing will ever be okay because I’ll always be looking behind my back.
As if he can read my mind, he says, “He won’t find you. The ID and paperwork are all legit. With your hair different and no makeup, no one will recognize you. Okay?”
I nod because if I talk, the tears will come.
“Stay strong and work out with Gunny and Sharon what you want to do. I know you can’t stay with them forever, but let them teach you. Gunny knows hand to hand combat and is phenomenal with a gun. Sharon is really good with money and living on a budget. They will teach you everything you need to know. Promise me you’ll stay with them for a while and let them teach you. And make sure you tell them where you’re going.”
“Of course.” There isn’t anywhere else for me to go, but he’s right, I won’t be with them forever. The plan is as short as possible because I don’t want to put them in danger.
“Good.” He kisses the top of my head. “Let me help.”
We pack up the room putting everything in the plastic bags they came from. The drive is quiet, both of us not really knowing what to say I guess.
Breakfast though, Gunny and Sharon fill in the silence never letting the conversation lull. It’s a welcome reprieve from what I know is only minutes away. Each second that ticks away is another one closer to him saying goodbye.
He stays for a while sitting outside and talking. When he rises from his chair, I know it’s the end. His face tells me all I need to know. The dagger in my chest twists, but a smile is plastered on my face.
From his expression he knows it’s not real, but he lets it slide.
“I’ve gotta take off.”
If there was dynamite around, it would’ve blown. Those four little words are like an explosion shattering the world around me. If I could wrap him up and keep him for myself always, I would. He has no idea what he’s given me.
Sucking in a deep breath, I rise after he shakes Gunny’s hand and hugs Sharon, and they do their goodbyes. The stay on the porch as I follow Nox to the front of the house trying with everything inside of me to keep the tears at bay. Just a little while longer. You can do this, Carsyn. Or Ava… whoever in the hell you are.
Nox stops by his car and holds out his hand to me. I take it immediately, and he pulls me into his body. Wrapping my arms around him, his scent surrounds me and I pull it deep into my memories. The woodsy and leather smell that I will forever associate with Lennox Cruz. The boy I had a crush on in high school, now the man who gave me my life back.
He will forever be seared into my soul. No matter how far away he is, I’ll always be thinking of him. Always.
“I want you to go out there and live your life, Carsyn. I want you to find your happy and b
e the woman you were intended to be.”
His words shatter me because I don’t know what I was intended to be, but even if I did, he’d never see it. He’d never know and that cuts.
“In the backpack, your IDs, paperwork, a burner phone and a gun. Gunny will teach you how to shoot it. Pay close attention to him. You call me on this phone, and I’m comin’. One call, Carsyn, and I’ll be at your back no matter what.”
I nod, my head still resting on his hard chest knowing that I’ll never make that call because it would put him in danger. That having him this close to me will never happen again.
“You won’t need a job while you’re here. It’ll be good for you to lay low for a few months, just to make sure you’re not tracked. Gunny will take care of you.”
All I want is for you to be here with me. To hold me and not ever let me go.
Pushing back all the thoughts, I pull back and look up at him, his beautiful brown eyes that I will forever see in my dreams on me. “You be happy, Nox. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. It doesn’t feel like balance.”
“You safe and happy is all I want.”
I’m not sure that will ever happen with you gone.
I nod. “Have a safe trip.”
The tears threaten, and I’m only hanging on by a thread. He has to go so I can mourn this. So this hurt can escape me.
“Yeah. You have a great life, Carsyn.” Nox’s eyes don’t have the same glitter they did when we had sex. They don’t have the warmth I’ve come to know and love. They are hurting, just as I’m sure mine are. I hate that I’ve done that to him, but I know this is the only way.
He leans down pressing his lips to mine, and the kiss I crave this time hurts. My heart is bleeding. I want to tell him not to go. To stay with me and not move—although I can’t.
Nox pulls away, and I take a step back.
“You’re gonna be good,” he says with finality as he kisses my forehead and gets into the car. Everything inside of me is screaming to tell him to stop. That he was right, that I should just go with him.