Conflicted (Secrets and Lies)

by Koenig, M. M.

  I awoke in a panic with my breaths in spurts. I hated when I dreamt about it. My fucking subconscious occasionally betrayed me. It was bad enough living through it the first time. It was even more painful when trapped in it. I had no ability to force myself awake until the end. Every ounce of pain sliced through me leaving an unbearable agony as it did that night.

  I ran my hands against my damp tank top before clutching the comforter in despair. The hopelessness resurfaced like an old friend and made the numbness I usually felt the best feeling imaginable. I fell back into my pillows as tears streamed down my cheeks. I hated being this broken and for it to be at the hands of the one person I ever allowed into my heart made it so much worse. I clenched my fists to my side angrily hitting the mattress. I hated Micah so much. My insides twisted in anguish as the fresh pain tore throughout my body. I lay there staring at my ceiling letting the tears pour like a faucet. I couldn't stop them or the pain surging through my chest so I continued to endure it. The weakness and darkness that always accompanied the nightmare consumed me.

  I hated this pain. I hated being numb all the time. I hated that my life's ambitions vanished because of him. I hated myself for allowing him into my heart only to have him break it so badly that I barely found the pieces. I'd never be able to put all them back together. The damage was so severe that any attempt to fix them was useless.

  I remained awake for hours to force out the pain. Eventually, the pain ceased and the numbness returned and in that time I made my decision. I was taking the offer. Morals and risk be damned. I had nothing left to lose anyway.

  CHAPTER SIX

  I decided to call Harrison first thing in the morning. I had been up since my nightmare and a good two hundred laps around the kitchen island when the sun rose. Thankfully, no one else was up. I continued to pace around until it was socially acceptable to call people. The clock hit eight and I punched in the number to Harrison's office.

  "Reynolds," he answered gruffly.

  "Hello, Mr. Reynolds. It's Mia Ryan calling you regarding your offer," I replied quickly.

  "Yes, Mia. What have you decided?"

  "I'll do it. Do you have the contract?"

  "I'm pleased to hear your decision. Why don't you come down to the office today to sign it? Please bring your resume. We will take care of that while you are here," Harrison directed.

  "I'll be there within the next hour," I responded.

  "When you arrive, tell my receptionist to put you through to me immediately."

  ~

  I arrived downtown forty-five minutes after speaking with Harrison. I parked at a meter across the street from building that housed his office. It could have been the city or taking this offer but it exhilarated me. After passing several skyscrapers, I reached the JKK Building. Like its neighbors, it was tall, sleek and demanded your eyes to admire its prestigious appearance. I entered the building going over to the elevators to make the trip up eighty floors to Inside Out.

  When I exited the elevator, I was standing in front of the main entrance. It was glass and allowed people to see into it. The center of the suite had two large doors with the magazines name etched in white and black calligraphy. I opened the doors and approached the ultra modern receptionist desk that was in front of me. I never broke eye contact with anyone that looked in my direction. The vibe I was going for was to convey the message that I am strong, confident, and belonged among them. In reality, I was freaking out.

  Behind the desk, there were two blonde female receptionists frantically trying to keep up with the ringing phones. I waited patiently for them to acknowledge me. Five minutes passed without acknowledgment making my patience dwindle. I cleared my throat to get their attention since they failed to grasp the fact that the body in front of them needed some help. Blonde number one glared at me for my throat clearing antics.

  "I'm here to see Mr. Reynolds. Mia Ryan. He advised to have me put through right away."

  She scoffed and made me wait for another five minutes. I wanted to roll my eyes but refrained. She glanced at me with irritation before picking up the phone to call Harrison. After she admitted I had been waiting, she pulled the receiver back due to his irritated voice screaming at her. I stood no chance at withholding my 'I told you so' expression. Her eyes frosted over as she motioned for me to follow her. She gestured to the left for us to continue down the hallway toward a ginormous office that encompassed the entire back wall on that side of the office. We stopped short of the doors where she knocked and waited for permission to enter.

  "Yes, come in Isabella. I can't believe you kept Mia waiting," Harrison shouted.

  She opened the large wooden door indicating for me to move forward. He was behind his desk multitasking. I walked through the doorway to take in his office. The wall across from me was one large window. The view was breathtaking as it displayed the heart of downtown. The rest of his office was what you would expect of any high class executive. His glass desk was in front of the window. All of his furniture was modern and sophisticated. To me, it projected haughtiness but that probably had more to do with my distrust for the man.

  On my way to his desk, I noted the many accolades. He was beyond well respected in the industry. Photographs lined the walls with him posing with many of the biggest names in TV, film, politics, and moguls around the world. I took a seat in the leather chair in front of his desk pulling my resume from my purse. Harrison smiled taking it to scan over. He nodded before sliding the contract my way.

  "Here's what you asked for Mia. You can take a few minutes to read it," Harrison directed.

  I read it verbatim. As long as I got enough information for him to print what he wanted to for this piece, the job was mine. I reread it several times to confirm that there was no escape clause. I should be more concerned about the significance of this piece but I wasn't. I needed this change. I signed the dotted line and slid it over to him. He smiled signing in his spot before handing it back to me.

  I raised my eyebrows with suspicion. "Don't you want a copy for your records?"

  He gave me a dismissive wave of the hand. "I don't need a copy Mia. I've done this for your peace of mind. I don't go back on my word. You wanted something in writing. My lawyer has a copy of it."

  "He doesn't have a signed copy. Isn't that what makes it binding?"

  Harrison huffed. "It's clear you trust no one which is why you're perfect for what I need you to do. You won't allow yourself to get too close. I'm not here to hustle you. You'll get the position. I say that in confidence because I know you have what it takes to get me the information I need."

  "I'll let you know if I hear from them and we'll go from there," I said evenly.

  "Once hired, we'll set a schedule to check in with each other," he instructed.

  Harrison got up going towards his fax machine with my resume in hand. He dialed in the number and sent it off. His unconcerned expression had me on edge. This guy was difficult to read and it bothered me. I took a sluggish breath still unsure of him. He really was a charmer. I rose from my seat to head for the door. Harrison met me at the door for a parting handshake. His hand gripped mine while his mouth morphed into an arrogant smile. Prior to leaving, I plastered on a fake grin to give him the satisfaction that I somewhat trusted him.

  ~

  A couple of days later, my cell phone rang and it was F. F. Sweeney & Company showing an interest in me. I took the first time slot they had open and set the interview for Thursday morning. Bri helped me piece together an elegant outfit. We coupled my gray pencil skirt with a black pleated sleeveless shirt. She assured me it looked professional enough. Bri dolled me up again and I left the house that morning embracing my new path.

  I could get to my old neighborhood with my eyes closed and stumbling drunk so I was on autopilot on my commute down there. The office I was heading for was impossible to miss. It was the most prominent building in a crumbling community. I parked my car in the back of their lot. On my way towards the building, I tried to ea
se my jittery nerves. After being buzzed inside, I confirmed my appointment with the receptionist. Ten minutes later she appeared in the lobby and raised a finger for me to proceed with her. We went down a long hallway ending in a huge office. She opened the door but left me to announce my arrival.

  "Mr. Fitzgerald?" I asked tentatively.

  The man nodded and pointed to the seat in front of him. He didn't seem like he wanted to be giving this interview and hid no signs of showing it. I scurried from the door to sit down.

  "Ms. Ryan, I presume," he said, keeping his head down.

  He was definitely on the agitated side. His deep voice was terse.

  "Yes, Mia Ryan. Thank you for your time today."

  When he looked up, it stunned me. His eyes ran along my body causing his expression to change somewhat. His scowl gradually transformed to a timid smile. His eyes didn't leave mine as his brows wrinkled as if he was trying to piece something together. I didn't have much brain space to think about what was going through his mind. I was too busy attempting to contain my own impure thoughts as my body reacted in ways I'd never experienced on a first encounter with someone. My body flamed to attention as I soaked him in. Heat rushed to my cheeks while my heart started hammering loudly in my chest. I had never felt anything this strong. It was potent.

  Sweet Baby Jesus! He is beyond gorgeous!

  He gave God like and beautiful a whole new definition. The man sitting across from me rendered me speechless. His detailed body alone would be enough to reduce artists and photographers to sobs as they prayed to the heavens for such an attractive creature to be amongst them. His prior irritation seemed to be gone as he sat up in his chair throwing every inch of his body within my eyesight to devour. He raked his eyes over me every so often bringing them back into my direct eye line to linger with an inquisitive stare. Tingling sensations trekked in waves at an amplified degree throughout me. It made the draw to him more intense.

  The things his appearance is doing to me right now should be illegal.

  "We interview with the best and your resume is flawless so it should be me thanking you for your time today," he replied.

  His voice was commanding tying my stomach into one large knot. I imagined what he sounded like in bed. A fiery burn coursed between my legs making me hastily cross them.

  Gah, get it together Mia!

  His hair was amazing. It was short but not too short. It was a messy style almost like he ran his hands through it a few times without putting too much effort into it. The longer hair spiked up in all the right ways. It wasn't blonde or brown but a blend of both. I couldn't stop staring at his face. His cheekbones were prominent with his ears and nose annoyingly perfect upon his sculpted face. He had to be at least 6'2" if not taller. His shoulders were broad but muscular. I was willing to bet if I unbuttoned his finely pressed dress shirt that a defined six-pack would be staring back at me with the delectable V running deeper. It was like an unspoken message to run for the door now because this could only end in trouble. He had my body revved up. I had no doubt that he was the kind of guy that could teach a girl a thing or two in the bedroom.

  Jesus, focus Mia!

  I readjusted my eyes from the area that led to his pant line to his dark brown eyes finding myself captivated as ever. They begged you to keep staring at them so he could tell you all life's secrets. He had one of those faces that make you want to promise every possession you own just to have a chance at kissing his luscious lips. His lips were full leading into dimples on each side when he smiled. So far, I'd gotten him to do that a few times.

  This interview has to go fast without any challenging questions because I'm not sure I can even spell my own name right now.

  Knowing I had to get my thoughts out of the gutter that they currently wanted to hang out in, I straightened up setting my palms on his desk. It hit me that he paid me a compliment. Perhaps, I should say something in response instead of frothing at the mouth.

  "I'm honored for the consideration. It's a great opportunity," I murmured.

  He leaned back tapping his fingers together. "Your resume indicated you were studying journalism. I can't help but wonder why you would apply for a position with a finance company. It doesn't seem like an industry you'd have interest in if you were serious with your studies."

  I gulped. "I took my studies in journalism very seriously. However, I've come to realize to succeed in any career it is important to have wide range of knowledge and expertise. Since my studies had such a narrow focus, I wanted to expand into other areas."

  "Why do you think that this position is the best fit for you?" he questioned.

  His eyes burned into me completely unreadable. My stomach fluttered at the intensity exuding from him. I prayed my heartbeat would slow down a little. It was beating so loud that it sounded like someone was hammering a board right next to us.

  "I believe it's an opportunity to learn about this industry. I think that the position offers possibilities to learn skills that will benefit me in any industry," I responded.

  He cocked his head to the side bringing his long fingers to his chiseled chin letting them linger above his lips. My body temperature went up several more degrees as I stared at his mouth watching his fingers trace his lips. It took everything in my power not to let my body stray to his and replace his fingers with my tongue.

  God, focus Mia!

  "Why are you interested in working for our company?" he asked with a thin smile.

  "It's well known throughout the financial industry that this company is the most successful privately owned finance company this city has ever seen. I strive to perform at my best in everything I do and your company can give me the opportunity to learn from the best."

  "I don't need to ask you what your major achievements are to date. It's obvious that you climb to the top in all that you do. You were editor in chief of one of the most renowned college newspapers in circulation. You work history confirms that you have held a variety of positions that have given you diverse skills that are all necessary for this position. The 4.0 GPA is an excellent attribute as well. What I can't overlook is the gap from your enrollment last fall at the university to you sitting here today. Can you please clarify why you're not finishing your degree?"

  His question jolted me out of the electric trance his body had me in. "There was a misunderstanding that led to my dismissal from Eckman. The entire experience brings me back to my first answer. It's imperative to have as much knowledge as you can in a variety of areas. It was an unfortunate blemish for me but I've learned from it," I replied not showing any sign of weakness.

  "What has it taught you?" he pressed.

  "It's led me to believe that we can learn just as much by firsthand experience in the work force than in a lecture hall. I've elected to take time away from academics to test the skills and knowledge I've acquired thus far and to continue to grow personally and professionally."

  His fingers drummed on the desk. After a short pause, his eyes connected with mine. There was a hint of understanding from him as he stared at me. "I appreciate your honesty. Most people lie to cover up their downfalls. You've chosen to embrace it as well as learn from it. That's impressive. Have you decided against pursuing journalism? What I'd like to confirm is your long term goal here?"

  "If I'm going to pursue a career as a journalist, there is a lot I need to learn that books can't teach me," I clarified.

  "Why move towards the finance industry?" he inquired.

  The fingers that were tapping the desk were now running back and forth across his perfect jaw line. He was so unreadable but definitely intrigued in everything I had to say which made sense since this was an interview after all.

  Really Mia, has your basic reasoning left the building all together?

  "The driving force in our economy is business and ultimately the financial industry. The financial crisis is a painfully obvious indicator to that fact. Knowledge in this industry will give me invaluable experience," I said smoothly.r />
  "Why switch focuses now?" he asked as his eyes creased together.

  "I'm at an age in my life that I should be exploring as many opportunities as possible. If I'm going to become a successful professional, I want to create a resume that will allow me to assimilate into any field or occupation. The depth in the financial industry can do just that. If my path leads me back to journalism, I'll have gained a wealth of knowledge through this industry allowing me to write about a variety of subjects."

  His tongue made an appearance licking his lower lip. My mouth went dry and I inhaled a ragged breath. The burning sensation traveling through me was close to boiling over. I hoped that he wrapped this up soon. I couldn't handle being here for much longer without doing something stupid.

  "Why should we pick you out of the pool of candidates? What makes you exemplary?"

  I squirmed before focusing my eyes to his with my last shred of seriousness. "I'm a fast learner which I believe is an asset for any company. I'm a team player that can bring a lot to any project. I know how to multi-task and operate well under deadlines. I don't intimidate easily so dealing with difficult people and situations isn't hard for me. I'm never satisfied with learning the basics. I like to be challenged as it pushes me to perform at my best."

  His face crept into a full dimpled grin as he relaxed into his chair. The way he was looking at me made me wonder if I had food in my teeth. He wasn't holding back a bit as he absorbed every feature of me. It was exhilarating and nauseating all at the same time. We sat there for a few moments staring at each other before breaking the heated connection.

  "Well, I think that about does it. We'll be in touch," he said deeply.

  He rose from his chair to walk with me to the door. I collected my purse and remained a step behind him. As I suspected, he was about 6'2" with long legs covered in black slacks that showed every amazing detail to his fine ass. Thank God, this was over. It was even better that this position was entry-level. The less time I spent around him the better. I liked having control over my bodily functions. I learned in this brief meeting that maintaining control around him would be problematic.