Guarded Dreams

by L. J. Evans

  ME: I’ll call you later. But I’m also buying the train ticket for you now, so you can’t back out.

  I slid the phone into the pocket of my coat and turned back to the ladies at the table and our food.

  “She’s coming on Thursday. You’ll both get to meet her.”

  Mom looked like a fish, mouth hanging open as if I’d just told her that the ocean had dried up.

  “You’re bringing a girl home?” Mom asked, a smile breaking out on her tired face. One of the first smiles I’d seen all day. It made her look more like the Mom I knew and less like the Mom that had withered away.

  I shrugged. “Technically, she’s taking the train and coming to me, but sure.”

  I bit into my lobster roll, trying to stay nonchalant, doing my own bit of egging them on. They deserved it.

  “Who is she?” Mom asked.

  “Her name’s Ava. And she’s finishing her senior year at Juilliard.”

  “She’s an artist!” Leena gushed, and any concern she’d had about our age gap went out the window, because Leena loved art. She was a retired English teacher, but she’d also taught the art classes at the high school. Now, she spent time at the Y, sharing her love of painting there.

  “She’s a singer and a musician. She writes all of her own songs.”

  Mom’s smile turned into a frown, and she was thinking. I could tell she was putting the pieces slowly together.

  “Ava. This is Ava from Rockport, Ava?”

  “No!” Leena gasped.

  I shrugged.

  “What does Travis think of this?” Mom asked, concern lacing her voice. Mom and Leena never called Truck by his nickname. Not the entire time he was in training here at the DCO school, nor any of the times he’d come home with me since then.

  “Truthfully?”

  “No, she wants you to lie to us.” Leena scoffed.

  I ignored her. “Ava brought Truck back to his senses.”

  “What does that mean?” Mom questioned.

  “Once he’d seen her, and they’d talked, it was like Truck was his old self again. Like he let go of all the anger that had been welled up inside of him. Truck is the best I’ve seen him in years.”

  Mom and Leena watched me as I talked, the smile on my face when I spoke of Ava giving me away to them just like it had when I’d come home from leaving Becky Anderson at her house in high school.

  “I’m going to have to run to the drug store,” Leena teased.

  I had one more thing to thank Ava for. That she could make these two grumpy women talk to each other again and make them both smile when they’d just lived through months of hell without telling me.

  “She’s nervous about coming. Thinks she’ll be a burden, considering…” I hated myself for making their smiles falter at the mention of the cancer.

  “You tell her that we are more excited about having her here than having you here,” Leena said.

  “Hey, now!” I complained, but I knew she was teasing, and my protest was only half-hearted.

  “I can almost forgive Leena now,” Mom said, looking at me while her best friend nudged her in the side.

  “You know I did the right thing,” Leena defended herself.

  “She did,” I agreed.

  Mom ignored both of our digs and took a bite of her fish and chips, but I could swear that she seemed lighter somehow than she had this morning when I’d first seen her. That made my heart tighten in happiness but also regret that I hadn’t been here sooner. Regardless, I was here now and not planning on going anywhere for a month at least.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Ava

  WRITTEN IN SAND

  “Are we names in a tattoo, or just a number on a hand?

  Are we last-call kissing or will we be reminiscing with each other for the next forty years?”

  —Performed by Old Dominion

  —Written by Tursi / Ramsey / McAnally / Rosen

  Eli and I texted back and forth almost nonstop from the time I left his apartment on Sunday until it was time for me to leave the city. The first night he was in New London, he’d called, and there’d been so much hurt and anger in his voice that it had made me want to skip the rest of my classes and run to catch a train that very moment.

  “She’s selling the house,” he told me when I asked how it was going. I could hear the loss in his voice. “And she hasn’t told me why.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I responded, not really knowing how else to soothe him. He’d had so many losses in such a short amount of time that it seemed impossibly unfair.

  “She looks…like she could just fade away. With her selling the house, it’s like…”

  He couldn’t finish.

  “You said the outlook was good, right? That they’d gotten the cancer. Stage one has such positive results. She’s going to be okay, Eli.”

  He took a long time before he answered, as if the emotions playing through him were too much. I waited, knowing he didn’t want to show that much emotion, knowing he wanted to be in control of them before he spoke again.

  “You’re coming, right? You got the ticket I sent?” he asked.

  I sighed. “You didn’t need to buy me a ticket.”

  “This way you won’t back out.”

  “Bribery?”

  “I’m not above it. I need you here.”

  It was the second time he’d said that he needed me, and those words echoed around my heart long after we’d hung up. I didn’t have any doubt that Eli could survive whatever life threw at him and his family. He was built to survive. Still, the fact that he had convinced himself of needing me made my weak heart patter a tune that I wasn’t used to it singing.

  That was why I hauled a bag and my guitar onto the train leaving Penn Station, heading to New London on Thursday morning. Then, I texted Jenna as my nerves started to jangle, and butterflies filled my stomach in a totally different way than Eli normally filled it.

  ME: Morning.

  GIRLIE: Morning back. You on the train?

  ME: Yes.

  GIRLIE: Don’t be nervous.

  ME: I’m not.

  GIRLIE: Liar.

  ME: Okay. I’m hella nervous. Is that what you needed to hear? **puking GIF**

  GIRLIE: They’re going to love you.

  ME: I’m only going because he said he needed me. I’ve never been needed.

  GIRLIE: That’s not true. I need you!

  ME: No. You have Colby and your family. You don’t really need me. It’s always been the other way around. I needed you.

  My phone rang. I looked down in surprise to see Jenna’s picture. I answered. “Hey, what’s up?”

  “You scare me sometimes,” Jenna said.

  “Why?”

  “You act like you’re not important. That no one would miss you if you weren’t here. You are so important to me, Ava. My life would never be the same if you weren’t in it.”

  A lump filled my throat. I couldn’t reply at first.

  “Look, I know that your dad is a total ass, but you have people who care about you. I may not know Eli, but I can easily imagine why he would want you in his life. Why he would need you in his life.”

  I wouldn’t cry. Tears and me didn’t exist well ever since Dad had punished them out of me. Plus, I didn’t want to show up in New London with mascara running down my face.

  “Tell me you hear me.”

  “I hear you,” I said.

  “Tell me you believe me,” she demanded.

  “Okay.”

  “Say it.”

  “I believe you,” I told her. It wasn’t that I didn’t. I did believe that she thought she needed me, but I also knew the truth. She could easily get through life without me.

  “Before I forget, and because we are talking about the asshole, I have to tell you what happened the other day.”

  My gut clenched again.

  “Did you see him?”

  “My
mom did. She said that somehow it came up that Colby and I were going to see you for your graduation, and how bad she felt that they couldn’t make it themselves because of Dad’s schedule in the House. He acted like he knew all about it and already had his own arrangements made to go.”

  I sat stunned for a moment before fury filled me. Fury I hadn’t felt toward my dad in a long time. “He wouldn’t dare.”

  “I think he was just bluffing so that it didn’t look like he hadn’t known anything about his own daughter, but I wanted to make sure you knew. Colby and I will be there, so if he does show up, we can tell him to shove off.”

  “He won’t. It would be too much work for him to come. There’s no reason for him to come.”

  “Again, Ava. You are worth it.”

  “But not in his eyes.”

  There was nothing she could say to that. I’d never been enough in the eyes of my dad. He’d told me repeatedly growing up how, just like my mother, I’d end up chasing things that I’d never succeed at. That I’d never amount to anything. It would probably never stop hurting. That he thought I was nothing. I’d keep working on it, but it would always be a wound that could easily be reopened.

  “They’re going to love you,” Jenna said, reminding me of why we’d started this conversation to begin with. I didn’t respond. Eventually, she sighed. “I’m sorry, I have to run. Colby and I are already late for a new client. But I need you to know how loved you are.”

  I was still fighting the tears today, but I wouldn’t cry. Instead, I said goodbye the way we always said goodbye.

  “Take care of you.”

  “Take care of you,” she replied and hung up.

  I tucked my phone away and stared out the window at the scenery as it flew by, thoughts of Eli and his mom and me and my dad running through my head. If I’d heard that my dad had cancer, I didn’t think I’d care. I certainly wouldn’t run home to look after him. I didn’t think I’d be glad, but I wouldn’t miss him. He hadn’t given me anything to miss. Nothing but hurt and fear and anger. My anger so different from the anger Eli felt at the moment. His anger stemmed from love. My anger stemmed from the absence of love.

  By the time the train stopped in New London, I was tired from feeling too much. Like I’d been dipped in the ocean, and it had thrown me out on the sand again. The butterflies were back, bouncing around my stomach at the thought of seeing him and of having to meet his family that he did care about.

  I grabbed my carry-on suitcase, my guitar, and my handbag and headed for the terminal. Like always, our eyes connected immediately. If I’d never believed in “the force” from Star Wars before, I did after knowing Eli. We had a force that bonded us together. An unseen energy that always connected the minute we were in the same room.

  He still hadn’t gotten a haircut. It was the longest I’d ever seen on him, reaching toward his ears in a wave of hair so dark that it was almost black. He must not have shaved for a couple days either, because the scruff on his chin looked like it might almost be soft instead of rough against my fingers…against my lips. It aged him some. Made him look older than me by far more than our three years, but I also found it flaring the desire in my stomach.

  He was using his cane still, but his stride was big as he moved toward me. Then, he was picking me up and squeezing me so tight that I thought I might lose my air and my insides. It felt glorious. It felt like it was the first time that anyone, other than Jenna, had actually been happy to see me, had missed me. I held on tight, letting myself believe in the importance of a hug like I once hadn’t. My lips found the space on his neck right below his ear that had made him gasp last weekend. The same spot that he’d found on me. Matching spots. I felt his arms tighten even more.

  “God, I missed you,” he breathed in my ear, and my flesh prickled happily.

  He still hadn’t let me down, was still holding tight, and I didn’t mind. But I suspected the weight of us both on his bad knee was going to be too much, so I pushed gently. He reluctantly let go, but as soon as my feet touched the ground, his lips found mine, crushing them in a kiss that felt like we’d been apart for four years again instead of four days. I responded with equal fervor.

  I’d never come home to anything before. Not once. But I could imagine that this was what it felt like. Home. With someone who loved you. Eli hadn’t said those words. I certainly was terrified of even thinking them to myself, but I was pretty sure that was what we shared. Love.

  I pulled back and looked up again. We were both smiling this time. Not just him, with that full smile that I was lucky enough to witness, but me too.

  “Is this all you have?” he asked, looking down at the suitcase I’d dropped and the guitar that was beside it.

  “Should I have more?” I questioned. “Do we have plans that I don’t know about?”

  His eyes twinkled at me. He leaned in close and said, “The plans I have don’t involve clothes.”

  My stomach curled happily, and my legs wobbled, but I frowned at him. “I don’t think that’s necessarily a good idea. We’ll be at your mom’s house. I’m not exactly sure what the etiquette is for having sex in your boyfriend’s mom’s house.”

  “Her room’s not next to mine.”

  “So.”

  He grabbed my case and tried to wield it, and the cane, and my hand at the same time. It was cute and pathetic.

  “Just give me the suitcase,” I said, pulling it from his grasp.

  “I’m only letting you because I’d rather have your hand than be a gentleman at the moment.”

  His truck was parked outside, and we threw my stuff into the backseat. He held my door, and I smiled at him. Before shutting it, he leaned in and kissed me again. The kiss was meant to be sweet and short, but it turned deep and frantic before either of us could help it, him leaning up against the truck seat, me leaning into him.

  A voice cleared behind us. “Excuse me. Um. Can I get into my car now?”

  We smiled at each other, and he turned to shut the door and apologized to the woman parked beside him who was waiting. She wouldn’t meet his eyes. It made my smile widen. Public displays of affection and I weren’t a thing. It wasn’t something I’d ever allowed, but with Eli, it was hard to resist touching him.

  He climbed in, started the truck, and then looked at me. “Do you want to go to the house first or the bookstore first?”

  “Is there a right answer to this question?”

  He chuckled. “Well, I know I want to go to the house, but I’m afraid that we will lose ourselves in each other for hours, and then I’ll never hear the end of this story either.”

  “I don’t follow,” I said, confused.

  “Mom and Leena both know that I’m picking you up. If we don’t show up for hours, they’ll know—”

  “Bookstore! Definitely bookstore,” I cut him off with a wave. “I’m not even sure you can convince me to have sex in a house with your mom in another room, let alone have them look at me knowing for sure that’s what we’ve been doing. I’m already nervous enough about meeting them. I don’t need to add a walk of shame to it.”

  He backed out and headed down the road. “Just for the record, there would be no shame in it. It’s not like we’re a one-night swag and bag.”

  “Did you just say swag and bag?” I choked out a laugh.

  He nodded with a twist to his lips that wasn’t quite a smile, but hinted at it. “You know, swag—swagger—and bag—as in the sheets.”

  “I knew what you were alluding to, oh Captain, my Captain. I’ve just never heard it called that before.”

  “That’s because you haven’t hung out with Mac enough.”

  “I can’t believe he would call it that. Even Brady isn’t that crass with his long list of conquests.”

  “Oh, Mac has a whole slew of phrases for it.”

  I shook my head. “I’ll never understand boy humor.”

  The banter had eased the nerves in my stomach that were
growing since he’d mentioned going to the bookstore to meet his mom and the lady who was pretty much a second mom. I flipped down the visor, tugged at the angles of my hair, wiped at the non-existent makeup marks under my eyes, and then flipped it up again.

  When I turned back to him, his eyes were darting between the road and me. “What?” I asked.

  “You’re beautiful. They’re going to love you. Hell, I think they already do.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “What exactly have you told them?”

  “I didn’t have to say much. They saw my smile, and they knew.”

  “Knew?”

  Suddenly, he looked nervous, squeezing the steering wheel. When he spoke, his voice was deep. “Knew that you make me happy.”

  It wasn’t what he was going to say. I didn’t push it, though, because I wasn’t ready for him to say the words. I wasn’t ready for discussions of what came after we said the words. Discussions about what came after I graduated and he had his hearing. At the moment, I planned to return to the house in Rockport. It was the one place that was truly mine.

  We pulled up in a lot next to a bookstore that took up the corner of an old brick building. There was a beautiful mural of a sunset on the side of it, and I could already see three cats lounging in the windows beside the books.

  “Does your mom own the store?” I asked.

  “No. She just manages this location. The owners have a much larger location outside town. It has a full petting zoo and barns full of books and cats.”

  “Wow. So, you worked here a lot growing up?” I was procrastinating, trying to calm the flutters that had worked themselves up inside me.

  He nodded. “You don’t need to be nervous, Ava.”

  I loved it when he said my name. The caress of it across his tongue. The endearment of it in his tone. No one had ever said my name and made it sound like love. Eli was good at that.

  “’Kay,” I told him, but I was unable to move, turned to stone. I didn’t normally get nervous onstage. It was a rare thing, but I could imagine that this was what people who got stage fright felt like.