Blind Faith (Shattered Lives, Book Four)

by Blakeley, Rissa

  “Henry,” I whispered.

  I turned around to face my mum.

  “My beautiful son. Handsome as ever.” She reached up and touched my face. “This is you on the outside. Time to work on the inside.”

  A shy smile crossed my lips, but I hated that I looked like Roger. The fucking bastard. I almost wished it never came out he was my father. I turned back to the mirror, rubbing my hands over my face and hair. It definitely looked a bit like me, but my eyes were still vacant. Maybe the life in them would come back if Elaina returned to my arms.

  Full of shame, I said, “I look like him.”

  “Yes, you do. However, you’re nothing like him. You are your own man, not a monster with a God complex.”

  Was I? I tended to crumble to my demons’ instructions.

  I took a deep breath. With a voice hardly breaking through the quiet in the room, I asked, “Do you think this will help?” Goddamn it. I’m on the verge of crying again.

  She walked up to me and grabbed my shoulders, making me look into her remarkable, pale blue eyes. “Yes. Yes, I do. I think if she sees you are trying to make a physical change, maybe you’re working on a change up in here, as well.” She touched the side of my head again, only to leave my eyes swimming in tears I didn’t want to shed.

  “I need her, Mum. I need her so bloody much. And the baby… She doesn’t even understand how much I need them.” My head hung.

  “I know you do.” My jaw trembled, a few tears rolling over my lids. “Gather yourself and be strong.” I nodded and took a few deep, staggering breaths. “I’ll clean this up and return the razor. Now, go out there and do what you do best. I’m so proud of you.”

  “Thanks.”

  I put on my t-shirt and adjusted the belt on my cargo shorts. After jamming my Sig in the back of the waistband, I pulled on a pair of socks and slid my feet into the only pair of trainers I had. Gazing at the shelf lined with all the textbooks, one piqued my interest. I grabbed it and headed out.

  As I opened the door, Elaina opened hers and stepped out. Her simple beauty astounded me. I paused. She looked me up and down while I did the same to her.

  She had pulled back the top half of her hair, the long, silky length flowing down to the small of her back. She had on a pink, fitted t-shirt, showing off her ever-growing curves. Her pants hugged her meaty ass perfectly. I stifled my groan, feeling my cock twitch in my shorts. What I wouldn’t give to make love to my wife.

  Chapter 9

  Another tear-filled, sleepless night left Elaina reeling. All she could think about was her little chat with Gunther in the gym, continuing to worry she wasn’t helping Henry in the way he needed her to.

  The grumble in Elaina’s belly told her the baby needed food. Since she and Henry had split up, she only ate enough for the baby and not for herself.

  Elaina opened her door and, as soon as she stepped out, Henry was heading out of his mother’s room.

  Oh, my god. Jaw-dropping gorgeous. She worked hard to not acknowledge it, but she couldn’t peel her eyes away from him for a second. He cut his hair, his beard was gone, and he seemed cleaned up. He didn’t look scrubby, but looked like the sexy, beautiful Henry with whom she fell in love.

  With one firm nod, he strode past her, leaving her nasal passages full of his spicy scent. Goosebumps rose, every hair on her body standing on end. The width of his shoulders was delicious in the charcoal gray t-shirt. She could see the outline of his handgun tucked in the waistband of his shorts. His ass looked spectacular in them, and his muscular calves… She wanted to kiss them, among other things.

  That familiar stirring deep within Elaina’s core fired up. She shivered and had to get herself under control or she would chase him down, pin him up against the wall, and give him the fuck of his life.

  Then he stopped mid-stride.

  Oh shit. Did I think out loud again? He didn’t turn around, but glanced over his shoulder.

  “Is the baby doing okay?”

  “The baby’s fine,” she murmured.

  His presence was cold and standoffish. “Okay…good. See you around.”

  As he walked away, Elaina wondered why he didn’t ask about her. Because, surely, she was just as devastated as he was, and she wanted him to acknowledge that fact.

  Shutting down, the hot tears burned her cheeks. She tried to breathe, but it proved to be more difficult than it should’ve been. No air was passing in or out of her lungs as she stood alone with just her thoughts and their baby growing inside her. She rested her hand on the small swell and leaned against the wall, the pain in her chest making her double over.

  “Elaina?” She looked up at Cora running down the hallway, the kids in tow. “Are you okay?” She shook her head. Cora pulled her into an embrace. “Oh, honey. What’s going on? Are you bleeding? Any pains?”

  “No,” she squeaked.

  All the kids stared at Elaina. “Hey, guys, why don’t you go back to our room and get started on your pictures you wanted to make. I’ll be there in a few. I want to talk to Ms. Elaina alone.” Cora refocused on Elaina as the kids walked off. “Talk to me.”

  “We sort of ran into each other,” she let out in a loud whimper.

  “Oh, doll, it’s going to be okay.”

  “No, it’s not,” she sobbed into Cora’s shoulder. “He blew me off and only asked about the baby.”

  “It’s a start.”

  “He looked so good, like the man I used to know. He had his hair cut, beard trimmed, and he was cleaned up.” She sobbed, soaking Cora’s shirt. Another hand pressed on her back, and Elaina spun around.

  “Are you all right?” Anne asked with genuine concern.

  “Maybe,” Elaina croaked.

  “Is it the baby? Should I go find Henry?”

  “No. No, it’s me. The baby’s fine.” Elaina wiped her face.

  “He’s trying,” Anne murmured. “He’s really hurting.”

  “As am I,” Elaina retorted with vigor. “You think I’m enjoying this? That is my husband, the man I have loved for years. I’m carrying his child we made out of that love.”

  “He loves you so much, Elaina. I can’t even express it into words. Every time he talks about you to me, he fights to keep from breaking down.”

  “As do I. I love him with everything I’ve got, but he has to get himself together or we can’t-”

  “Look, I understand. Today is a new day for him.” She paused, then said, “He had another one of his nightmares last night.”

  “Oh no,” Elaina cried.

  “He needed you there to help him through it. He cried so hard, Elaina. I’ve never seen him like that. He cried harder than the night you made him move out.”

  “Now, don’t you go making her feel guilty for what she’s trying to do for him,” Cora snapped at Anne.

  “That’s not my point. My point is you two need each other. The love you share is full of passion.”

  “I can’t right now. I need him to clean up his act and prove he can do this for us. For the three of us.” Elaina ran her hand over her belly.

  “I know and told him that. He’s trying. Just watch. He’ll be that man again. I promise you.” Anne patted Elaina on the shoulder and headed down the hallway.

  “Elaina, don’t allow her to make you feel guilty,” Cora muttered.

  “She’s not. She doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.”

  “Just stay strong. You can get through this. Gunther and I are here for you.” Elaina let out a long, shaky breath. Cora patted Elaina’s belly and smiled. “Now, go feed this baby.”

  As soon as I rounded the corner and out of Elaina’s sight, I sagged. It was so fucking hard to walk away from her. In addition, not asking about how she was feeling was even harder. I always had concern for her welfare, but I wanted to show her I wasn’t wallowing…even if I was. That didn’t stop me from wanting to grab her by the shoulders, push her up against the wall, and force her to take me back.

  Pushing my hand into my pocket,
her rings rattled around. I stepped into the cafeteria and dropped the textbook on a table before I hit up the pantry, grabbing a couple carrots and a red pepper. After preparing them—cutting them into equal-sized pieces and tossing the scraps in the compost bucket—I headed back to the table.

  Once settled in the chair, I flipped open the book… American history. It had been a while since I sat with a book and worked on educating myself. The material was quite interesting and I became engrossed.

  Moments later, my intense focus faded when my senses came alive.

  Elaina…

  As she entered the cafeteria, my eyes drifted toward her, but I never turned my head to look. I had to be strong.

  For me. I had to do it for me.

  My heart thundered when she walked past me. Feeling overcome with weakness, my gaze followed, watching her as she headed for the pantry. She picked out a tomato and continued to search for something else…something she wouldn’t find because what she needed was sitting at a table just as lost as she.

  I refocused in on the text, only to be startled when someone I didn’t even want under the same roof approached me.

  “Is this seat taken?”

  Elaina’s head whipped around when she heard the one voice that made her skin crawl. Mara, that fucking whore. Her hormones raged. Pregnant or not, she was ready to take Mara outside and leave her for dead.

  Elaina’s heart raced, waiting for Henry’s response.

  “Uhh… No, I guess not,” he mumbled.

  “S’cuse me?” Elaina asked under her breath. “Why would he allow her to sit there?”

  “Elaina?” She turned around to see Jane standing right behind her. “I think you killed that tomato.”

  Elaina looked down and realized she had squeezed it with her hand. “Shit.”

  “Are you okay? Let me help you.” Jane grabbed a rag and began cleaning up the pulpy mess.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just stressed,” Elaina whimpered, glancing back at Henry.

  Jane followed her eyes. “I’ll get her to leave him alone.”

  “I swear to you, Jane. If she even thinks about swooping in and trying to take him away from me-”

  “It won’t happen. I won’t let it.”

  “I will gut her like the swine she is,” Elaina growled. “She’s already tried to get him to screw her. She has even tried to blow him… She’s a motherfucking whore. I’m trying to do something here. Trying to get him to build his confidence so he can be the Henry he used to be. He needs to understand that even though he’s broken, he can still persevere and be strong. He doesn’t need anyone throwing themselves at him right now.”

  A little taken aback by Elaina’s berating, Jane said, “I know what happened and understand what you’re doing. I’ll get her to leave.” Jane handed Elaina the rag and walked over to the table. She said something to Mara, then motioned toward the door.

  I kept my eyes focused on the text in front of me. When Jane dragged Mara away, I glanced over at Elaina and frowned slightly. The raging lunatic was coming out of her. Feeling the need to assist, I got up and headed toward her. She slammed the pantry door and stormed past me.

  “Fuck me,” I mumbled and ran my hand over my hair.

  After she dashed out of the cafeteria, I cleaned up the mess she left behind, grabbed the book, and left to get Gunther for a run.

  “We going? I need to do something before I fucking snap,” I growled.

  Gunther looked back at Cora. “Can I leave Grey with you so I can go for a run?”

  “Of course.” She smiled warmly. “It’s almost time for the cranky butt’s nap anyway. He gets fussy without one, just like his daddy.”

  “You all are a regular bunch of bloody comedians today, aren’t you?” Gunther mumbled. I couldn’t help myself and laughed. Gunther crammed his gun in the back of his shorts and stepped out of the room.

  We hit the gravel and jogged off toward the front of the school. Gunther’s stride staggered when we made it all the way around to the back by the arbor.

  I stopped when he did. “You all right, mate?” I asked.

  He walked to the very spot Quinn died, letting out a sigh. He knelt, then pressed his palm to the ground and rubbed.

  “I miss you,” he whispered. I had to look away when I saw him wipe his tears. Rising to his full height, Gunther murmured, “Sorry. I haven’t been out here in a while.”

  We started running again. “How have you been doing?” I asked.

  “I’m okay. Every day is a challenge.”

  “I commend you on your strength.” Upon rounding the back corner tree line, we came up on the graves. “You want to stop?”

  “No. I need to keep going. If I stop now, there’ll be no hope for me the rest of the day.”

  “Understood. Everything going well with Cora?”

  With a small smile, he said, “Yeah, she’s wonderful. She mothers Grey and tries to take care of me, as well.”

  “She’s a good bird,” I murmured.

  “Agreed.” He cleared his throat. “Let’s change the subject.”

  “She’s easy to look at, mate.” Egging him on, I added, “Soft skin, curvy hips, hell of a rack-”

  “Shut it, you arse,” Gunther grumbled.

  I smirked. “Right… Sorry.”

  For the next five laps, we were silent. However, his furrowed brows and hardened expression told me he had a lot going on in his head.

  After seeing the place where Quinn died, then her grave, Gunther shut down and spent the rest of his run in deep thought. Since her tragic death, he led everyone to believe he slacked the reins of guilt. He played the role well. The mask he wore was more for the others than himself. He was still distant in his eyes, but worked hard to be happy for Grey. Gunther wanted to appear as if he was moving forward so no one confronted him as Henry had because he was certain he wouldn’t be able to handle that again.

  It would ruin him.

  When Cora took on the role as mother for Grey, it had been a difficult road for Gunther to travel and grievous to witness, even though it left his boy thriving.

  When Grey and he moved into her room, Gunther brought in a couple mats for them to sleep on in one of the corners, trying to keep his distance. Nevertheless, with all Henry’s chatter about Cora, he felt confused, and had been for a while because he completely agreed with Henry’s statements.

  Once Elaina stomped back to her room, she decided she couldn’t stay. Everything reminded her of Henry. She snatched a random book off the shelf and headed back out to the cafeteria, wanting to get her mind off her life.

  She stood by the window for a few minutes, then saw Henry and Gunther jog past. “Fuck me,” she mumbled.

  There was no escaping him. He was everywhere. Whether it was a room they christened or a spot they had a meaningful conversation in, there was something everywhere reminding Elaina of their relationship.

  Desperate to be in Henry’s arms, her heart died a little more every second they were apart. She wasn’t sure how much more of the separation she could handle.

  Elaina sat at the table, her back to the window, feeling unbelievably lonely. It was awful, almost like she was an outcast. Everything was a shade of gray. There wasn’t color in her life anymore. She sagged and slumped over, so many questions running through Elaina’s mind…

  What if I have to bring my baby into this world without him?

  What if he decides he doesn’t want to deal with my bullshit anymore?

  What if he kills himself?

  What if, out of frustration, he decides to sleep with someone else?

  With a whimper, she lay her forehead on the table. What little strength left in her body deteriorated at a fast pace. Another whimper caught in her throat.

  Then an odd, unfamiliar flutter moved through her stomach, almost like a butterfly dancing inside her belly. She jumped up and placed her hands across her bump. The movement was her baby.

  Their baby, Elaina reminded herself. She felt their baby
move for the first time.

  Elaina sat back down and felt tremendous joy, but also a deep, unrelenting sadness. Knowing their baby was alive and doing well caused tears to well in her eyes, but the baby’s parents? Well, they were a total fucking wreck.

  What have I done?

  What did I do to us?

  Why couldn’t I accept him broken or whole? For better or worse? In sickness and health?

  Elaina stood in haste, knocking over the chair. She slammed it back to the table and stalked towards the door just as Henry and Gunther were on their way in.

  “Ex-cuse me,” her voice cracked, as she pushed between them.

  I almost grabbed Elaina when she practically bowled me over, but Gunther held on to my forearm with an unyielding grip. “She’s upset,” I said. “What if something’s wrong?”

  “If there’s something wrong besides the obvious, she will tell you. If you want, I can have Cora check on her,” Gunther reassured.

  “I need to go bag train before I fucking explode.” Gunther nodded and dragged me toward the gym.

  After wrapping my wrists and hands, I peeled off my shirt and took my stance in front of the bag. I stared at it, wondering if this was what my life had become. A series of rage-filled outbursts spilling from defiance. If Elaina would just talk to me, maybe we could work the situation out. It seemed endless with no hope in sight.

  I threw a right uppercut, the bag popping away from me.

  “Want me to hold it?” Gunther asked.

  “Do I want to dislocate my shoulder again with your big ass behind it?”

  “Rhetorical…,” he muttered.

  “Really, I’m good.” I shook my head and took my stance again.

  “Taller.”

  I glared at him. “What?”

  “Stand taller and square your shoulders.”

  “Are you really going to tell me how to bag train?”

  “Maybe.” He smirked.

  I stalked up to him and shoved him into the wall, stepping right up into his face. He was still wearing that fucking smirk. “I got this, asshole.”