Blind Faith (Shattered Lives, Book Four)

by Blakeley, Rissa

  At that point, I began sobbing. I was certain what came next would end my relationship with my family, but it was too late to reel it back in.

  “Roger and Drew marched Sophie and I through the line of recruits, down to the punishment room. There were candles lit, rose petals on the floor…” I wiped my face and exhaled loudly before whispering a string of obscenities. “A female recruit from the younger grouping was naked and tied to a sawhorse, each limb bound to a leg. Roger pushed me toward her-”

  “Son, you don’t have to talk about this.”

  I glanced at my mum. “I have to. I’ll never forget the sound of Sophie’s sobs. Roger made me strip naked, then announced that if I wanted to have sex, I would only do so on his command. The girl was turning, her gray eyes pleading with me. I refused to do it. Then they upped the ante and held a knife to Sophie’s throat. I couldn’t let her die for me, but I couldn’t bear doing what he wanted me to do. Shoving me toward the girl again, he positioned me right behind her. I refused, begging and pleading, saying I would do anything else…” I pulled my t-shirt up and wiped my face. “Roger held a gun to my head. I knew if I died, they would torture Sophie because I wouldn’t be there to protect her anymore.”

  I leaned down and held my head in my hands, choking on my sobs before I could continue my dark and twisted memory.

  I looked up and caught Elaina’s gaze. “I raped her, taking her virginity. I stole something precious from her and I hate myself for it. I didn’t even know her name. She turned during, but he made me keep going, gun still pointed at my temple. He finally allowed me to stop after he shot her in the head. Then he had me untie her, making me carry her to the incinerator, naked. I had to walk back to my room and through the hall where all the recruits still stood.”

  My mum cried, and Elaina covered her face again.

  “I’m a rapist and a victim. Elaina, I am so sorry for what I did to you. I don’t know what happened or what snapped in my head, but I allowed the anger to take over and couldn’t control it… Shit. I fucking hurt you more than ever. With everything I have left, I apologize and plea for your forgiveness. Even though it’s undeserved, maybe you will forgive me in due time, but I want to try to work through this. I love you so much and can’t lose you. You’re the only thing that keeps me together.”

  Pausing to take another deep breath, I faced my mum. “Mum, I want to apologize to you, as well. I showed a side of myself you saw one too many times from…him. I hate that I’ve done this to the three of you. And…” I shook my head. “I don’t even know what else to say.”

  Elaina stood and rushed out of the family room. Her heavy footsteps rattled my entire body as she jogged through the kitchen and up the stairs. The door to my mum’s room slammed shut.

  I rolled my lips into my mouth and jammed my thumb and forefinger into my eyes, hoping to keep the tears at bay…unsuccessfully.

  “I’m sorry, Mum.”

  She shook her head. “Don’t apologize.”

  “I could’ve done something, but I was-”

  “You were a scared boy,” she whispered.

  “That’s no excuse. There’s more to the story that Elaina needs to know. I don’t know what to do, Mum. Help me,” I whimpered.

  “You’re on your own on this one, son, but know that I love you.”

  With a nod, I said, “I’m going to go see if she’ll let me talk to her some more.”

  “Don’t push. It will be in her own time.”

  “I just have to try.”

  “Okay, but I advise against physical contact unless she approaches.”

  “Thanks.”

  As I made my way up to the bedroom one slow step at a time, I tried to figure out how to tell her the rest. Standing in front of the door, I leaned against it, sucked in a deep breath, and knocked.

  At first, there was no response…not a creak from the bed, a squeak from the floorboards, nothing. I worried she would just ignore me.

  “Yeah?” she choked out.

  I held my palm on the chilled wood, hoping I could feel her that way. “May I come in?”

  Several long seconds later, she cracked open the door just enough for me to see one eye running with tears, hair plastered to her face.

  “I promise to keep my distance. If I’m scaring you too much, you can even stay by the door or leave it open.”

  Relief filled me when she opened the door and allowed me to enter. I walked across the room and leaned against the dresser. She stood by the door with her hand on the knob. It killed me to see her so afraid, but I had made that happen.

  “Thank you. There’s one more thing I need to talk about.” I gazed at her, trying to read what was going on in her mind. I got nothing. Shaking my head, I continued. “I stayed in my room for a few hours, pacing, wondering how to live with what I did. Unable to take it another minute, I left my room and headed to the gun range, broke into one of the gun safes, and stole a loaded Sig. It was the first time I seriously wanted to commit suicide.

  “Sitting against a concrete wall inside the range, I put the gun in my mouth. Just as I was about to pull the trigger, Sophie ran in. If she was a second later…” I shook my head. “Well, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now. Anyway, she begged and pleaded with me until I handed it over. We sat together and cried for a long time.”

  Tears trickled down Elaina’s face, her eyes never leaving mine.

  “I had to explain to you what happened to me so you know I understand. I’m sorry for what I did to you. I don’t know what else to say. It was wrong and unforgiveable. If you don’t want to forgive me, I can deal with that. I just need to know you and I are going to be okay.”

  She walked away from the door, leaving it open, and sat on the bed. Keeping my distance, I stared at her, longing for some sort of response.

  When she didn’t say anything, I said, “Our son… I fear for him. I just hope he has the goodness you carry, not the evil which travels through me.”

  She cleared her throat. The rough, soft tone made me shiver. “You assaulted me…physically, sexually, and emotionally.”

  “I admit to all my wrongdoings and apologize.”

  “No matter how many times you apologize, nothing in the world can make this better.” She wiped the tears, which ran down her cheeks. “But…I love you and can’t stop those feelings. I am so confused, feeling like the stupidest woman alive. Part of me says I should kick you out-”

  “And I will leave if that is what you would like.”

  She glanced up at me for a brief moment. “The other says to try and help you.”

  “The ball is in your court, love. I will do whatever it takes.” If she only knew about my plans, she would know that was true. I badly wanted to tell her what I was willing to risk to get better.

  “How do I know that’s true?”

  “I understand you have trouble trusting me. That is on me.”

  She stood and walked up to me. Oh god, I wanted to touch her, feel her, heal her. “Henry, you hurt, scared, and humiliated me.”

  My chin trembled. “I know, and I am so fucking sorry, Elaina.”

  “I want to believe you…”

  My hand found its way to my heart, rubbing the undying ache. “I want to show you that I’m sorry.”

  “How?”

  “Can I hold you?”

  She stared at me for a bit before she nodded. I pushed off the dresser and placed my hands on her arms. She was stiff and not my Elaina. The guilt was so overwhelming, I wanted to fall to my knees.

  I eased my hands up her arms and made it to her neck, cupping it. Stroking her chin with my thumbs, I said, “God, Elaina… I can’t believe I allowed myself to get so out of control. If you hate me forever, I’ll understand.” She gazed up at me, eyes wide. “I love you, my black-haired beauty.”

  “Promise me you will never show me that anger again.”

  “Love, I promise you.”

  “Promise me you will never show Nicky that type of anger.
”

  “Yes, of course. I promise.”

  “Your mother cried with me all night. Promise me you will never hurt your mother like that again.”

  I swallowed hard, knowing my mum saw me much like my father in that moment. “I promise, if I ever feel like I’m getting out of control like that again, I will leave the room, go outside, remove myself from the situation. I’ll fucking walk away forever because I wouldn’t be worthy of any of you.”

  She had no idea how much I would be removing myself from the situation, but I had to make things right.

  “I accept your apology, but I’m not ready to forgive you just yet.”

  My head dropped. I did my best to speak clearly, but my emotions took over. “I understand and am so grateful you have accepted.”

  With slow and careful movements, I pulled her into a hug, loosely wrapping my arms around her, not wanting her to feel constrained or uncomfortable in any way.

  “Are you still going to stay in here or…maybe you could come back to our bed?”

  Stepping back from my embrace, she said, “I’d like to think I can trust you enough to do so.”

  “You can. I swear to you. I just want to be near you and hold you in our bed. Nothing sexual. We can even leave the door open if it makes you feel more comfortable.”

  She stared into my eyes, trying to gauge the truthfulness of my words. “Okay. I can do that.”

  “Thank you for trusting me,” I murmured with a rough edge. My throat was closing and I wasn’t even sure talking was going to be an option for the rest of the night.

  I took her hand and led her to our room. She slid under the covers, fully clothed. I adjusted the blankets, tucking her in. Without thinking, I leaned down and kissed her forehead, startling her.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “It’s okay.”

  Her fear of me was heartbreaking. I decided to sleep above the covers and allow her the space she needed.

  Still in my gym clothes, I lay down next to her, resting my forearm on her waist. It was exquisite to have her near me again. I waited a few moments until she relaxed before snuggling closer.

  “I’m sorry for what he did to you,” she murmured.

  “Thank you,” I whispered, then shut my eyes and drifted off.

  When Henry’s breathing grew even, Elaina knew he had fallen asleep. His cool breath against her neck made her shiver. She wanted to cry for him, but she could only cry for herself and the fear that engulfed her.

  Elaina wanted to believe Henry was sorry for his hurtful actions and was being truthful about his apology, but all she could see the moment he had her pressed against the wall with his thigh between her legs was Roger. The moment in the ship’s quarters came rushing back to her, and it scared her to see the fire of Roger in Henry’s eyes…the twist of Roger’s face upon Henry’s…Roger’s sick snarl in Henry’s voice…

  One in the same.

  The rough hands, the greedy touching, the nasty words… It was both of them, and it affected her on a level she hadn’t realized until Henry had her trapped.

  Elaina felt strong to let her capture and assault bother her. She wanted to make sure Henry never felt badly about what his father had done to her, so she had just shut it away.

  With the feelings resurfacing, she wanted to get out of the bed, go lay on the bathroom floor, and wait for her stomach to reject what little food she had eaten that day. However, Elaina knew it would be best to stay in bed. There was no choice in the matter. It was deal with it or run.

  Henry stirred, then mumbled in his sleep. Rolling over, Elaina faced him.

  His softened expression read innocence. Maybe it was the shape of his eyes, or the height of his cheekbones. Whatever it was, she saw a little bit of Nicky there. Reaching out to his face, she swiped her finger over his scarred bottom lip.

  She wondered where her Henry had gone and if he would ever return.

  Maybe this man is Henry. Maybe his true self had been suppressed and he no longer had to strength to keep it hidden. It didn’t matter. She loved him and wanted to be a good wife to her husband. For better or for worse. In sickness and in…

  There was no health. There was only sickness. Be it alcohol, his demons, the virus, or his OCD, Henry would always be sick.

  Tears flooding her eyes, her lip quivering, she scooted closer to the man who would never be well, who would always be devastated, who would never find the correct path to walk on.

  Worries for Nicky took over, wondering if he would be the next apple that didn’t fall far from the tree. She sniffled, then pushed her weakened body even closer.

  Pressing her lips to his, Elaina felt sorrow and loss for the man she once knew as Henry. Her only hope was to love him as well as she could, even if it killed her.

  Chapter 47

  The next morning, I slipped out of the house before anyone woke. I made sure to be loaded up with weapons just in case Erik was pulling a stunt. I had no trust for him yet.

  I left Elaina a note saying I wanted to get in a full workout before I began my day. Easily believable…I hoped. The staff wouldn’t be at Edge for a couple more hours, so my lie would be safe.

  I sat on my bike for a moment, looking up the address Erik texted me.

  There was a small warehouse district outside where Elaina’s flat used to be, and the address took me right to one of the alleys between two of the larger ones. I shrugged, slipped on my helmet, and walked the bike to the street. I didn’t want to start it right next to the house. It was a little loud and may wake Nicky.

  Forty-five minutes later, I pulled up to the deserted district. Some of the buildings were demolished, dirt being the only thing left.

  I checked the time, having a half-hour before I was to meet Erik. To kill time, I decided to take a quick drive down to Elaina’s old apartment building.

  I sped off down the road, going about three miles before the old dormitory-style building came into view. Slowing down, I pulled over to the curb.

  I slipped off my helmet and walked to the building’s front entrance. There were a few people milling around, busy heading to wherever. I walked into the building and looked around. The interior was redone with new paint and flooring.

  Wondering what the old flat looked like, I hopped on an elevator and went to the third floor. My nerves danced and palms sweated. I felt like I was about to go on my first date with Elaina again.

  I approached the door, now painted white instead of the dark brown it used to be. I raised my fist to knock.

  Did I want to travel down that road again? Relive everything we had? As soon as the door opened, I knew I would have flashbacks about the good old days…carefree times. Well, somewhat carefree.

  I shook my head and walked away. I needed to move forward, not backward. After exiting the building, I hopped back on my bike.

  Minutes later, I was back in front of the warehouse, hair standing on the back of my neck. The place definitely gave me the creeps. With my luck, Roger’s evil twin was there and ready to collect my ass.

  I glanced around, looking for a door. I pulled my phone out to check the address again. It was definitely the right area, but I didn’t see…

  Glancing toward the back corner, I spotted a dark, rusty metal door creaking open. Erik stepped around the corner, a metal briefcase in hand.

  “Saw you pull up and leave a few minutes ago.”

  “Yeah. Elaina and I used to live around here. I wanted to check out the building.”

  “Find anything good?”

  “Nah.” I motioned with my chin. “What’s in the case?”

  “A hundred grand in cash for my associate inside. Bring your bike around the back.”

  “I must admit, you have me a bit worried. This place doesn’t seem all Hollywood make-up to me,” I muttered, pushing my bike where Erik directed. At a quick clip, Erik followed on my heels. I turned around after parking. “How do I know you aren’t going to try to do something or even…surpri
se…Roger’s evil twin is here to make me submit.”

  Erik chuckled. My brow raised, not finding it funny. He rested his hand over his heart and smiled. “I assure you, it’s only Solly and me.”

  “I am armed, and you know precisely of what I’m capable,” I warned.

  “I expected as much. Follow me, please.” Erik waved me into the dank and gloomy building. I looked around, my hand hovering over my Sig. “This way.” He hustled toward a metal staircase.

  “I want to take a look around.”

  “Suit yourself. I’ll be waiting upstairs.”

  I glanced up to see a middle-aged, bearded, stocky bloke hanging out against the shoddy railing. He nodded at me, so I did what any man in my situation would do… I pulled out my gun. With a raised eyebrow, I nodded back. Game on, motherfucker. I stalked off to check every corner and every dark place I could possibly find.

  “What’s he doing?” Solly asked when Erik made it to the landing on the second floor.

  “Don’t mind him. He has a case of paranoia, and I can’t blame him. He’s been through more than you could ever imagine.”

  “He’s not going to shoot me, is he?”

  “If you threaten him, he might.”

  “Well, that eases my comfort level,” Solly muttered, watching Henry walk across the bottom level.

  “Look. With his heightened paranoia, plus mental and physical issues, he’s a very dangerous man. Let’s just try to get through this calm and easy. I will do my best to keep him level.”

  Solly faced Erik. “I didn’t agree to work under these conditions.”

  “I already told you he had a hair trigger. Let’s allow him to do what he needs to feel comfortable.”

  Reaching for the suitcase, Solly said, “I want the cash in case something happens.”

  “When you’ve finished the photographs and mold, you will get what’s in the case, getting the other half after the job is complete.”