‘No wonder it seemed like he was everywhere at once,’ I thought looking at the doorways along each wall.
I saw him again as he walked into a door on the right at the back, only to come out of a door at the front.
‘The rooms must be connected.’
I felt an urge to run, but instead moved out of sight to the left of the door before he saw me. I hadn’t prepared what I’d say, it wasn’t like I had an intricate plan, and frankly, I was surprised I’d not just run away when I got outside.
He started towards the stairwell, and I was about to cough to get his attention when a slight breeze closed the door on my leg.
‘Ouch!’ I said and looked up just in time to see him running towards me.
We were both startled, and for a moment I thought he was going to shoot me. It wasn’t an irrational fear, he had a pretty menacing look on his face and, had raised his bow and aimed it at me. So I did the girly thing.
I screamed.
‘What do ya want here lassie?’ he demanded in a slight Scottish brogue.
‘This be me house, go on get outta ‘ere,’ he said, moving his bow around as he spoke.
‘I’m so sorry for interrupting you on this lovely afternoon sir,’ I said using my best Josephine Marlin phone voice. ‘The clerk’s office said no-one owned the funeral home, and it’d been vacant for years. The council also said they had no use for it anymore.’
He didn’t seem to be listening. He was looking me over, and I knew I must’ve looked and smelled horrible, so I changed the subject to his weaponry.
‘I don’t think it’s very nice to threaten a lady with a… what type of weapon is that?’
‘This? This be a pest eradicator,’ he said proudly. He was beaming as he looked at his weapon. Lowering it, he stroked his hand over it in a gentle caress, smiling the entire time.
‘Made it meself I did,’ he said with a grin.
‘What type of pests are you eradicating with that?’
‘Thar be monsters ‘ere lassie. It be no place far a young ‘un such as yourself. Ya best be gettin’ off with ya before night comes.’
‘Monsters?’ I asked, feigning disbelief. ‘What type of monsters?’
‘Listen, ya best be goin’,’ he said and tried to force me away from the door. He almost pushed me down the two concrete steps behind me.
‘If you don’t take your hands off me, sir,’ I said, in a quiet, threatening tone while trying to regain my balance, ‘I will scream rape.’
He removed his hand from my shoulder as if he’d been stung by a bee, and stepped back. I didn’t like making that type of threat, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
‘I have every right to be here,’ I continued. ‘No-one owns this place. No-one! I’m looking at it as an investment property for my father. We’re thinking about starting up a nightclub.’
‘Nightclub?’ he scoffed. ‘Thar be nightlife ‘ere, that’s far sure, but it ain’t tha type you’d be wantin’ for no nightclub. Now off with ya.’
‘No!’ I said, putting my hands on my hips. ‘I’m tired of being treated like a helpless woman. I bet you don’t even think I know how to use that bow in your hand?’
‘What’s your name?’ I demanded, without giving him time to answer, ‘and what type of monstrous creature requires such a large and dangerous weapon to kill it?’
‘I be Bob,’ he said, stepping back. ‘I bin tendin’ this place and tha graveyard over on fifth for near on fifty year now. An ya don’t wan’ ta know what type of monsters roam these halls lass. Believe me; you want nowt ta do with ‘em. Now off ya go.’
‘No,’ I said again and stood my ground. I can be an immovable force when I put my mind to it. ‘You can’t fob me off, I’ve dealt with bigger men than you before.’
I was thinking about Horse at that moment, and it tickled my funny bone, but I kept a straight face.
‘Please move aside,’ I said pushing past him, ‘and let me have a look around.’
I’d made it into the hallway, and didn’t stop until I’d positioned myself at the top of the stairwell. Glowering at me, Bob looked as if he wanted to tell me off, but decided not to.
I’d heard the word glower before, but I’d never seen it in action. If there was an Olympic competition for glowering, Bob could glower for the country he did it so well.
‘‘Ow come ya wet?’ he asked looking me over. ‘There ain’t been no rain far a month.’
He quickly crossed the floor and began sniffing the air around me.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked indignantly.
‘That ain’t water lass, that smells like old piss. What are ya?’ he demanded, as he lifted his bow and aimed it at me again.
‘What do you mean, “What am I”?’ I asked, with both hands slightly raised in the air. ‘I’m just looking at an investment property for my father. That’s the truth. I’m wet and smell like I do because I walked all the way out here. No-one told me it would be this far from town, and I’m extremely environmentally conscious, so I left my car to charge for the day.’
‘Anyway, just as I reached the park,’ I continued, ‘I tripped over a rock and fell in what I thought was a puddle. But as you rightly say, we haven’t had rain for a month. I don’t know what was in that puddle, and frankly, I’m afraid to find out. All I want to do is check this place out then go home for a shower. I’ve walked all this way, so I’m not leaving until I look around.’
‘Now please,’ I said, with tears in my eyes, ‘put that weapon down or… or I’ll have to report you.’
‘I don’t know what you’re up to lass,’ He said, ‘but I never could stand a woman cryin’, gives me tha shits. I’d be outta here before dark if I was a pretty young thing like you. Ya be a tasty morsel for what roams the city if ya know what I mean?’
Bob must’ve decided I wasn’t a threat because he turned and walked outside. I was curious about what else roamed these halls, and the city, so I followed him to the door.
‘Bob,’ I called after him. ‘I don’t know what you mean?’
He seemed to think I was being… well I don’t really know what he thought I was being because the next words he spoke didn’t make any sense at all.
‘Ya see this?’ he said turning to me, pointing to the prominent scar down the left side of his face. ‘Don’t be sayin’ I didn’t warn ya.’
He muttered something else as he turned to walk away.
‘No, really Bob, I want to know? Bob?’ I called out to him. When he looked back, I said, ‘You still didn’t tell me what monsters you’re talking about? I really want to know.’
‘Ghosts an ghouls be livin’ ‘ere lass, thar be tha things on tha surface, but thar be things that live in ya darkest nightmares, thar be ‘ere too. You’ll be fine; I jest swept tha home. Jest don’t go stayin’ too long lass, an be gone b’fore tha nigh comes, ya don’ want ta be ‘ere when tha night comes,’ he said as he walked away again.
This time I let him.
Bob was a sinister looking character, skulking around in old buildings looking for monsters. He kept whistling that odd tune accompanied by the noticeable clang, of what looked like an assortment of cutlery, hanging off a homemade belt. Several silver spoons and forks appeared to have been flattened out and sharpened. As he rounded the corner of the building, I noticed his quiver. It was made from the same type of leather as his belt. It was also deeper than normal.
‘He’s probably made it himself,’ I thought.
I could see several more arrows with sharpened, and flattened out spatula heads extending above the lip of the quiver.
‘Who the hell is this guy? Granddaddy Van Helsing?’ I thought. ‘Darkest nightmares my arse, he’s never been to a corporate lockdown. Thar be ya monsters and nightmares right there, Bob.’
I stepped out onto the grass at the base of the cement stoop and watched him leave. Standing there, I was dreading having to go back down to that basement.
I took a quick look around an
d realised we were at the abandoned funeral home on the outskirts of town, which was good. I wasn’t sure if the funeral home on the other outskirts of town had a park near it. Turning to walk inside, I reached the stoop and caught my reflection in an old Holden hubcap nailed to the dilapidated, blue weatherboard exterior wall next to the door.
‘Well, that’s a hundred and eighty dollars wasted,’ I said to my reflection as it revealed my newly straightened, reddish blonde hair was awash with loose curls. My eye makeup had run so much; I looked like the sad sister of a sinister circus clown. The green of my eyes were made more prominent against the thick black smudge of mascara and eyeliner. Palomino came to mind.
‘Bitches!’ I thought. ‘They could’ve told me!’
‘Thar be monsters alright,’ I said to my reflection. ‘And thar be you!’
I was laughing at myself when I noticed sections of my hair had dried into strips, and I had large yellowing puddle patches on my white blouse.
‘What the hell is that?’ I asked, putting my hand up to my face. I scraped away something that had dried and crystallised on my right cheek. My body involuntarily shuddered, and a groan escaped my lips as my eyes followed the eyeball jelly as it crumbled to the ground.
That’s when I saw it.
Just below the zip of my jeans, and above the thigh of each leg, running from front to back, was a large wet patch that smelled like wee.
Now I’m usually a positive, upbeat person, but at that moment I thought I knew how it must feel to be Kaz, because before I knew what I was saying, I’d said, ‘Fuck my life!’
I allowed myself a few moments to wallow in the misery of my day, then pulled out of wherever the hell I’d gone and walked back indoors, over to the top of the stairs.
‘He’s gone,’ I called down. ‘You can come up now.’
There was no answer.
‘Why wasn’t anyone answering,’ I started to wonder.
I didn’t want to go down there again. Frankly, the thought of going back down into that dark, cold, mortuary basement terrified me. I’d never felt anything like it before… Okay, maybe I had, when I woke up in a dark wet room that smelled like wee, hence my horror of having to go back down there.
I walked to the outside door and checked again to make sure Bob had gone. Taking one last deep breath of fresh air, I pulled the door shut. Rushing back to the stairwell, I called down to the girls.
‘He’s gone. You can come up now.’
Still nothing.
‘Damn it,’ I said quietly, and started down the stairs, taking each step cautiously. I wasn’t about to fall, break a leg and have to wait there for someone to get me an ambulance.
Nearing the bottom step I heard humming; then the ground began to crunch beneath my feet. Looking down, I saw the remains of fluorescent lights all over the carpet.
Looking to the ceiling once I opened the door and turned the light on, I saw that three fluorescent lights had… exploded, could be a word to use, and that’s what had happened when Pony pulled us back to the basement. I heard three small explosions.
‘But how?’ I thought. ‘They weren’t there when Pony took us the stairs and if that fell had come down, he would have checked the basement.’
All these thoughts were running through my head as I pushed the door open wider. Pony was purring in the middle of the safe circle, and Kaz was quietly singing some god awful song to her.
‘Oh well, whatever keeps her calm,’ I thought.
Watching my friends work together to care for Pony, reminded me how proud I was to know them. After this though, Kaz and I were going to have a serious talk about her taste in music, clothes, shoes…
‘Alright,’ I called out, to let them know I was in the room, ‘there’s no need to panic. I got rid of the bad man.’
‘Who was he?’ asked Ann.
‘I think,’ I said, ‘and don’t quote me on this, but I think he was what is referred to as a hunter. Scars and all.’
‘A what?’ Kaz asked as if her curiosity had been piqued for the first time in a long time.
‘He told me he was hunting monsters, and you should’ve seen his homemade weapons. They gave me a chill.’
‘Like Sam and Dean?’ asked an excited Ann.
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘If they didn’t have angels healing them all the time and they were seventy.’
I turned my attention back to Pony and how to get her to the hospital.
‘We need to get her out of here before the eradicator decides to come back.’
‘Eradicator?’ asked an interested, and if I wasn’t mistaken, frightened Kaz. But it’d been a long day, so it’s likely I was mistaken.
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘At least that’s what he told me.’
I started walking to the door, but apparently, no-one else wanted to get out of that basement more than me, because when I turned back, they looked like they were waiting for an invitation.
‘Are we going to the Hospital, or not?’ I asked.
‘Hosible.’
‘Yes Pony, Hospital,’ I said as Kaz climbed off her back. Suddenly a line formed at the door. Ann was pressing up against me, and Kaz was against her. Pony appeared to be more frightened of leaving the basement than any of us.
‘Shush,’ I said to girls. Then tiptoed to the stairwell. Looking back, I had to smile when I saw Pony copying me. Any other time I’d have seen how far I could take it, you know imitating a limp then move up to a hop.
I was sure Bob had left, but I didn’t want to take the chance he might be waiting outside. I wasn’t going back into that morgue again. Listening for a few moments, I waited until I was certain there were no footsteps upstairs, then motioned for the others to follow me to the light to the top of the stairs.
‘Where’d the glass come from?’ Ann asked.
‘I’m not sure. Remember the small explosions we heard after Pony pulled us back?’ I asked.
‘Oh yeah,’ said Ann. ‘But how, and who smashed them?’
‘I don’t know. For now, I just want to get out of here,’ I said.
Everything was quiet as we climbed the stairs, except for a strange wheezing sound coming from Pony. There was nothing we could do about that. As we reached the top, I told the girls to wait. Walking to the door, I slowly pushed it open and peeked outside. Bob was nowhere to be seen, so I nudged it open a little further. My hands were shaking, but I didn’t know I was sweating until a large droplet fell from my brow to my arm.
As the door opened fully, I stepped outside to make sure he’d gone. Taking a deep breath, I walked down the concrete steps to the lawn. Relief washed over me as I gave the all clear. Kaz and Ann almost fell down the steps trying to get out the door at the same time.
Pony came out after them. She looked around to make sure we were alone before stepping outside.
I watched, still concerned she was about to burst into flames, but she eventually sat on the top step, threw her head back, and enjoyed the sunshine with us. I let out the breath I’d been holding, releasing the fear I’d felt for her. For a moment, standing in the warm sunlight, nothing else mattered. I was just thankful to be chain free and almost home.
You know what they say about best-laid plans and all that? Right? Right?
Nothing!
The Getaway Mobile
After our initial breath of fresh air, I knew we couldn’t hang around for too long, so began to look for a way to get Pony to the hospital unseen. Several small sheds edged a small grass section just outside the main funeral home. Some were closed, others wide open and empty, one had an old tarp hanging from long bent, rusted nails, that were protruding from its sill beam.
Not one of the sheds was big enough for a car, and I’d started to wonder how Pony had got us all to the mortuary.
‘Do you reckon she carried us, Brain?’
‘Anything is possible, but like you, I slept through the whole thing.’
I turned and saw Pony behind me. She was still sitting on the stoop looking up at
the sky… then down at the ground, to my left, then to my right.
‘What the hell is she doing?’ I thought. It took me a moment before realising Pony was desperately trying not to make eye contact with me.
‘Where’s the car?’ I asked Pony, but there was only silence. Even her breathing had stopped its rattle.
‘The club’s got to be at least three miles from here,’ I thought. ‘There’s got to be a car somewhere. Surely Pony and Horse didn’t walk all this way?’
Pony and Horse must’ve had to walk… goodness me, am I really that thick Brain?’
‘I am sorry Josephine, I was not listening,’ said Brain in a tone he gets when he realises that any answer will be the wrong one.
‘Never mind, I was just wondering why it’s taken me this long to remember Uber’s.’
Pony still wasn’t looking at me, and I had no idea what Ann and Kaz were doing… Oh no, wait, they’re doing what I did when fresh air and sunshine touched my skin, they’re soaking it in, although I didn’t lie down and roll around on the grass.
‘Where’s the car?’ I asked again, waiting to see if anyone else was going to take part in our escape. I didn’t expect there’d be a car but was tired of being the only one trying to get home. ‘The eradicator might come back, and I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m not going back in the basement.’
I saw a flicker of fear in Ann’s eyes and watched as she got up off the ground and pulled Kaz to her feet.
‘How can we help,’ asked Kaz.
I was confused, Kaz never offers her assistance. Not one for looking a gift horse in the mouth, I tried to get them motivated by asking about a car. Instead of the expected “I’ll look over here”, all I got were vacant stares. I guessed Kaz’s offer was due to a moment of insanity.
‘Do I have to do everything?’ I asked as I stamped away and started to look through the sheds. I was feeling exasperated, and it was evident in my tone and actions.
Josephine Marlin and The Alternatives Page 6