I noticed Ann and Kaz had begun to help and relaxed a little knowing they’d become involved hostages. Pony was still looking everywhere other than at me, and her glow had begun to turn blue.
‘Breathe Pony,’ I called to her. ‘Let’s have a look around and see if there’s anything here we can use to get you to the hospital.’
Walking around while looking in, and behind sheds, I found nothing, and Pony’s glow still had a slight blue hue. I was about to ask her how she got us all the way out to the funeral home when Ann called out.
‘I’ve got something.’
Pony appeared to be relieved at the interruption because as she exhaled, her glow slowly changed back to green.
Walking over to one of the old sheds, I noticed Ann had an odd smile on her face. She was holding back an old fraying, khaki coloured, canvas tarp. Looking at what she’d found, I admit, I might have sounded a little ungrateful when Ann showed me.
‘What the hell’s that?’ I asked.
Pony’s breathing stopped again, but the roar of Kaz’s laughter broke the tension. It was contagious. Before I knew it, we were all laughing. Even Pony calmed enough to enjoy the moment.
‘Well,’ I said as the laughter died down, ‘not all our arses are going to fit on that.’
Parked in front of us was a bright red and black, homemade bicycle. It had two seats, one facing the front, the other the rear. Two car side mirrors had been strapped to the handlebars with some type of black cloth tape, and a small trailer hitch had been welded to the frame of the bike beneath the rear seat. It was the type of hitch that could rotate a full 360-degrees, without tipping the bike itself.
The trailer was a large flat piece of old plywood. It was poorly attached to a metal frame with fencing wire, and it had two small dolly wheels bolted to the backend. It wasn’t going to win any awards for aesthetics, but it was ingenious.
Each wheel could also make a 360-degree turn.
The trailer was being held to the bike by a lump of metal beaten into the same open-ended square shape as the trailer hitch. The trailers spine appeared to be made from the upright of an old clothes hoist, with the frame spot-welded to it, presumably made from the hoist’s top. The connector beneath the bike’s seat had been constructed to allow the trailer to flip, yet remain connected to the bike without tipping it.
The whole thing was held in place with a small split pin.
It didn’t look like it’d been used for a while, but, if I were correct, I’d say it had been used a bit over the past week.
The front tyre was a little flat, but the bike had an air pump attached to its frame. The black vinyl riders seat was badly torn. Some tears had sharp edges where they were sticking up from the holes in the old foam. The brown metal beneath didn’t make me believe it was going to be a smooth ride.
I was pretty sure it was what Pony had used to get us there.
‘Is this how you got us here?’ I asked, turning to Pony.
I often say what I think. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, but I don’t see the point in keeping it to myself. “At least you won’t die wondering” is what Daddy says.
‘Yep,’ Pony said tentatively. ‘Bwing fwends for Pony.’
Odd visions played across my mind’s eye: in the dead of night a glowing ghoul peddling hard on an old pushbike with an unconscious girl lying on the trailer. Put a full moon in the background and some pine trees, and it would be all very Steven Spielberg. I would’ve loved to have seen that movie.
While Ann and Kaz pulled the bike out of the shed and checked it over, I watched Pony. She was glowing so brightly I had to squint so I could focus on her. That’s when it dawned on me that if we were going to get her to the hospital, she’d need to calm down.
‘Can you please put Pony in the safe circle again?’ I asked the others. ‘When she’s calm she doesn’t glow as much.’
‘What glow?’ Ann asked, sounding annoyed at having to ask again.
‘I agree,’ said Kaz. ‘I don’t see a glow either.’
I took another look at Pony, just to make sure it wasn’t my head trauma making me see something that wasn’t there, then I remembered her glow lit up the basement. Something strange was definitely going on, but it would have to wait for later, we had more immediate problems.
‘There are only two seats,’ I said, ‘and I’m steering. You two can sort out who’s lying next to Pony.’
Pony helped me pull the old tattered tarp down from the bike shed, and I checked it for size. It would make perfect camouflage, which was probably what it’d been used for anyway. Prying the air pump from its brackets took a bit of effort until I found a can of “Multi Purpose Lubricant (CRC)”.
After a few minutes of pumping, I was sweating and breathing like a late night call from a wrong number, but at least the tyre felt firm, so I pushed the pump back into the clamps. I was certain we’d need it again.
Pony giggled at the others arguing about who’d sit where. I felt happy seeing her laugh, enjoying herself, especially considering the week she’d had. After a few moments I got her to lie down on the trailer, and gently covered her with the tarp, but, no matter how I moved it around, her glow just seemed to seep through those old fibres.
‘They might not be able to see your glow,’ I told Pony, ‘but I can, and we’re not going to get very far if you’re uncovered.’
‘Okay.’
‘Alright, you can stop arguing,’ I called out. ‘Ann? You can sit on the rear seat and Kaz can lie down next to Pony. Keep her safe and hidden from sight will you?’
‘Okay,’ said Ann, sending a cheeky smile Kaz’s way.
‘Why do I have to lie on the trailer?’ complained Kaz. ‘Why can’t Ann do it, and why do you get to be the driver?’
‘Because,’ I said, ‘there’s only one set of pedals and, as you rightly said down in the basement, I’ve only just arrived. I’m not as weak as you two. Just be glad you’re not riding. This seat’s a bugger. It’s already sticking through my jeans. Just imagine what it would do to your skirt!’
‘This is excellent,’ said Ann, climbing on the rear seat. ‘I wouldn’t have thought to hide Pony under a tarp. Are you going to get on Kaz or what?’
‘Or what!’ Kaz grumbled as I began to pull the bike away. Then I felt the bike pull back when she jumped on.
‘How you going Kaz?’ Ann asked, sounding pleased with herself. ‘Toasty warm or still cold and wet?’
‘Fuck you,’ Kaz said just loud enough for us to hear.
I love my friends. At that moment we may have been wet, smelly, angry, and frustrated, but we were still good friends, and friends stick together no matter what. I decided Kaz could get on the trailer with Pony because she deserved a good sliming. Also, I liked knowing Ann had my back.
What? I said I love my friends. I didn’t say I couldn’t be bitchy.
When we reached the end of the driveway, I adjusted the side mirrors. Using one to focus on the trailer and the other to watch the road. I checked each way to make sure Bob was nowhere to be seen, while Ann and Kaz kept an eye out from their positions. Kaz was under the tarp with Pony using one of the holes to look through.
‘She’s just plain weird,’ I thought.
We couldn’t see Bob, so we hit the open road. Well, lane way is probably a more accurate description.
The bike was slow to start, especially after Kaz jumped on the back. That’s when I regretted her not taking a more active role. It was hard work, and periodically, when I checked the mirrors, I’m sure I could see sparks spraying from the rear dolly wheels. With Pony on it, I would’ve been surprised if it didn’t scrape along the road. She’s a tall girl… I mean ghoul.
‘Let’s ride!’ I called as we picked up speed.
‘How you going Pony,’ I called over my shoulder.
‘Okay.’
I adjusted the side mirror a little more and saw Kaz had lifted the tarp so Ann could also check on Pony. All I could see coming out from under it was a big slimy ghoul
smile and eerie green glow.
A sudden gust of wind caught the bicycle and almost pushed us off the road. It took all my strength to pull it away from the curb. When I looked back, Kaz was trying to get hold of the tarp before it blew away. Pony sat up to try and help and as she did the slime that had gathered on her front while she was under the tarp got caught in the wind, and covered Kaz. Ann started laughing uncontrollably, and the bike started to shake so much I almost lost control again. I decided to stop for a second as we were going downhill and it would be easy to get going again.
That’s when I found out the handbrake was there for show.
I tried the rear brake, and that was no better. Luckily I had on my steel cored high heel lace-ups and used them to slow the bike by pressing them against the front tyre. The girls were still laughing and had no idea about the brakes, nor how close we had come to a sorry end.
As their laughter died down, I thought I heard something.
‘Shut up,’ I whispered, as my stomach lurched to the sound of cutlery clanging nearby. I quickly checked the side mirrors.
‘Is Pony covered?’ I asked Ann.
‘Yes,’ she whispered, ‘So is Kaz.’
We were near the park, and I wasn’t sure where the noise was coming from but knew who it was coming from. I rode the bike behind a large tree and waited. The park was across the road from the Fifth Street cemetery, and I’d forgotten Bob said he tended to it.
Pony’s panicked breathing changed to a hoarse whining noise.
‘Try to keep her calm and covered,’ I whispered.
Getting off the bike, I turned to talk with the girls. That’s when I noticed the green glow had begun to shine through the holes in the tarp.
‘Kaz?’
‘What?’
‘Get off the trailer and help us cover Pony,’ I said.
Kaz didn’t want to get out from under the tarp, which was surprising considering her complaints about having to lie next to Pony. Just as she climbed out, I took my jacket off and laid it over one of the holes, but it wasn’t big enough to cover all of her.
‘Give me your jackets,’ I said holding out my hand presuming they would just hand them over.
‘There is no glow,’ complained Kaz who, nevertheless, relented after a few moments and took off her jacket. I placed it over a large hole in the tarp and looked at Ann.
‘C’mon,’ I whispered. ‘He’s almost here.’
‘‘No,’ she whispered. ‘I only bought this blazer a week ago. That tarps filthy, and Pony is slimy, not glowing.’
‘Just do it,’ I growled. I was panicking as I listened to the sound of Bob’s cutlery getting closer. ‘You can always buy a new blazer, but there will only ever be one Pony.’
Ann begrudgingly took off her blazer and handed it to me. I placed it over another big hole and, being the only one who could see Pony’s glow, rearranged the jackets. I was only just in time before the rattling of old cutlery, and that tuneless whistle heralded the appearance of Bob.
The main purpose of that whistle seemed to be to alert everything to his presence.
‘He is not much of an eradicator is he!’ said Brain.
‘No.’
The whistling stopped, and I moved to the front of the tree just in time to see Bob walking towards me.
‘Bob,’ I said leaning up against the tree. ‘You’re still out and about I see. Eradicating your monsters are you?’
‘Aye, I be keepin’ tha city safe for ya all.’
‘So how’s it going? Caught any today?’ I asked, stepping forward while waving my right hand behind my back to make sure the girls stayed behind the tree.
‘Aye, there’ve bin a few today. Got me a bugga tha other night. Almost got me a twofa.’
‘I’m sorry, a whatfa?’
‘A twofa,’ he repeated. ‘Two at tha same time. At it like bunnies they was, desecratin’ tha old funeral home down in tha cuttin’ room. Me Ma an Pa woulda seen their last sunset in that room.’
I’m sure I looked confused, I felt it while trying to remember if there was anything in the basement that could pass for a window. Then there’s the bigger question, was his Ma and Pa still alive as they were being cut into?
‘I had ‘em in me sights too,’ he continued. ‘Me bow was cocked n ready, an’ I let it go. The old despatulator does the job quick an’ neat. Took its head right off it did. Bastard exploded all ova tha room. Had I bin younger I coulda got the other one too, but she was quicker than I reckoned. Bowled me over and flew up them stairs an outta tha door before I could reload.’
‘Okay,’ I said, certain he was talking about my friend and Horse. ‘Thanks for the imagery and the story of your life. But now I really need to get going.’
‘Aye, it’ll be getting on dark soon, best you be goin’ home,’ Bob said as he turned to walk away.
Before I knew what was happening, I’d called him back.
‘Bob,’ I said, while Brain mentally kicked me for my stupidity, ‘one more question?’
I heard Kaz groan from behind the tree and, in hindsight my question would have been better left unasked, but hindsight hadn’t caught up with me at that point, so I continued to ask it.
‘That’s an interesting belt and quiver you’ve got there. I’ve seen hide like it before but I can’t remember where it was, and it’s driving me crazy. What type of leather is that? Did you make it yourself?’
‘I surely did lass, made me own weapons too.’
‘I can see that,’ I replied, ‘What’s the cutlery for?’
‘Sometimes tha be immune ta decapitation,’ he said, gently tapping his bow. ‘Me spoons an’ forks are made of silver, you’d be surprised what a silver fork can do lass.’
‘Sorry,’ I said mesmerised by the amount of cutlery he had hanging off his belt. ‘What type of hide was it you used to make them?’
‘Ah, so ya noticed did ya young lass?’
Yeah, Bob hadn’t caught up with himself at this point either, putting my hindsight to shame.
‘Thar be made from tha hide of ghouls. The hooks on me belt be one tooth from every ghoul that me old despatulator decapitated.’
‘That’s where I’ve seen that type of hide before,’ I thought to myself. ‘Down on the old mortuary floor. A little horsehide. Ewwww.’
My mind then took me to places unwanted, including wondering what a ghoul hide original handbag would look like?
‘Stop it, Josephine,’ said Brain, trying to get my attention back to Bob.
Bob laughed a hideous I live alone laugh, that made my skin crawl and let’s take a moment to remember what my skins been through the past few hours.
‘Lupe is going to have a field day the next time I go in for a facial,’ I thought. ‘That’ll likely be an emergency call later tonight at this rate. I’ll tell him it’s a three-way, that’ll perk him up, and we all love to watch a perky Lupe.’
I was about to say they didn’t look like ghoul’s teeth, having had an up close and personal relationship with one not too long ago, but thought better of it. I wanted him to leave, but my curiosity has always gotten me into trouble and found myself calling him back.
‘Bob?’ I asked. ‘Are your arrowheads spatulas, you know the flipping eggs type of spatula?’
‘Aye,’ said Bob, ‘you’d be right. I jest go down to tha old five and dime over on Leech Street and buy up the old spatulas far backups. It’s pretty hard to lose one of me despatulators though. They cut clean an’ mean. They go straight through, an’ I don’ even needs ta pull it outta a ghoul. Those bastards explode on contact.’
‘I know,’ I said, before remembering who I was talking to, and Bob was mentally quick. My comment wasn’t lost on him.
‘How do ya know that then lass?’ he asked, with a wary tone.
‘Well,’ I said, ‘back at the funeral home you told me… and then not long ago you said it again when you told me about the twofa. Remember?’
I know I was sweating on the outside, but I’ve alw
ays been quick-witted and fast with a comeback. Most times with relevant information. I was both lucky and glad I hadn’t lost my wit down in the basement.
‘Aye,’ he said, relaxing his stance, ‘that I did. Alright, lass, I got thin’s that need ta be sharpened far tha nights eradications. Ya best be off now.’
Bob moved his hand through the air as if just because he’d said it, by some sort of magic I’d disappear. Stepping back to lean up against the tree, I watched as he began to walk away. Just when I thought we were in the clear, something caught his eye. Instead of moving on, he walked back to me with a question on his lips. One I really didn’t want to answer.
‘Hey, what’s that behind tha tree, is that me ol’ barra ya got there?’ he said pushing me out of the way, the same as I had done to him earlier. He was pretty strong for an old fella.
I tried to warn the girls to hide Pony, but not only was he strong, he was nimble too, and what was I going to yell, ‘Hide the ghoul girls, Bob’s coming?’
It would’ve been too late anyway because he was already behind the tree before I knew that’s where he was headed.
‘Nothing good will come from this,’ I thought and hung my head.
Kicking myself for my damn curiosity; I realised this was the day my friends had all warned me about when they told me, ‘One day your curiosities gonna get us all in trouble.’
I made my way to the other side of the tree as fast as I could, but even that wasn’t fast enough.
The Despatulator
Before reaching the other side of the tree, I heard screams, threats, and hissing. By the time I got there, Pony had reared up from the trailer wearing Ann’s blazer. Bob, who’d been caught off guard, had taken several steps backwards into the park, and was loading his bow.
Everything was happening so quickly, no-one was prepared for what happened next, least of all me.
Ann and Kaz saw what he meant to do, and ran at him from both sides. They knocked the wind out of Bob as they hit. More importantly, they knocked the bow from his hands, and his despatulator slid across the grass, coming to a stop at Ann’s feet.
It took Bob, and the girls, a few minutes to regain their footing.
Josephine Marlin and The Alternatives Page 7